Young Writers Society

From Are You Me?

*

[Southern 36th Level]

“Are you me?” She slumped to the floor as the recurring head made her faint, staring across her prison to the girl standing on the other side.

Silently observant, the girl smiled, eyes flashing to see weakness.

“You look a lot like me,” she said, “the way I used to be, anyway.” Raising a bandaged hand, Aethel gestured as she continued, “Pinned up hair, cocktail dress. You even speak the same.”

The twin laughed, sound vibrating against the glass, hands behind her back, as she walked the length of Aethel’s confinement. “We may look alike, but I’m perfect.” She displayed a set of gleaming white teeth. “You’re plump.”

“You noticed?”

“What if I’m real and you’re not? The life you’ve had is just a dream, my dreams and my thoughts.”

“No.” Aethel closed her eyes to the blinding lights, the artificial girl that looked, and sounded, so much like her. She needed to think but her head seemed to be all over the place, and the bruise, no doubt, was still dark, still visible.

Her counterpart squatted behind her, putting a hand to the glass as if to stroke Aethel’s stringy hair through the very material that separated them.

The girl laughed again. “Are you me?”

This, Myth, sent shivers up my spine. Reading it immediately made me think of something you'd written earlier, I think it was 2.2, where Aethel mentions being referred to as 'Quent's little 'matron', and also the part about her eyes being bright blue, and 'matrons having bright eyes... Hmm,

Beautifully tight, as is apt with beginning being the ending. ^_^ Nothing at all I see to go on about as far as critique. The dialogue moved the piece, really - and was neatly set out between action, without too many hanging threads of tags or extraneous detail.

...Perhaps Are You Me? will be posted in partiality, soon?




IMP

The Imp: Glad you read it, thank you! Will post Are You Me? next week or the one after.

Ok it was rubbish.
Because it doesn't really talk about how the character looks like except in speech, which is confusing because the speech is someone's opinion like they might say someone is ugly, but they might not be.

fishface wrote:Ok it was rubbish.
Because it doesn't really talk about how the character looks like except in speech, which is confusing because the speech is someone's opinion like they might say someone is ugly, but they might not be.

Fishface: If you're going to critique, and call something rubbish, be specific. Dialogue is as a good a way as any to convey character. Why do you think Myth didn't manage to?

And, if you'll notice, it's a sketch - not a full story.



IMP

Fishface: Like Imp said this is a sketch, doesn't really go into the story and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give suggestions on improving the piece.

Thanks, Imp.

Hi Myth,

I thought this was a really well written character sketch. I can get a good sense how these characters act and think, and would like to see more of this story.

As much as I'd like to critique it properly, I'm not sure how to go about doing that since you said this doesn't fit into your story. I will say, however, that if the rest of the story is written the same way this is it will turn out really good.

Mr Green: Thank you for reading. I'm actually writing the chapter where this takes place, since posting I've decided to include it in. I'll be posting the first parts this week, would be glad if you critiqued/tore it up.