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"The Reality Check"



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Points: 890
Reviews: 59
Sun Mar 04, 2007 10:25 pm
order says...



PG for a little violence and obscenity.

Premise:
In the 21st century the earth was screwed up, overtime, however, the earth got even more screwed up; global warming accelerated at a shocking pace and the glaciers began to melt, decreasing the amount of land available on earth since the 21st century by 10% and –although you’d think that people would learn to use condoms- the population continued to increase.

In the late 21st century the countries of the America’s, led by the slightly weakened U.S., formed a military coalition known as the confederacy; the confederacy, with its overwhelming strength, conquered all of the countries in the Eastern hemisphere by the early 22nd century. Although their power helped, the confederacy’s success was due mostly to the numerous conflicts in the Eastern hemisphere; countries were unwilling to make alliances.

By the mid-22nd century there were no more rural or suburban areas.

The cities, hazes of smoke hovering above them, were dirty, while the homeless -ribs protruding- aimlessly wandered about and -trying not to bump each other- begged for crumbs. Residential buildings –made of grimy yellow bricks, rotting window frames, cracked panes and crumbling roof tops- towered and were filled with numerous families crammed into tight apartments, unless of course they were upper middle class, then they got modest apartments with actual running water. Commercial buildings on the other hand –with their slick smooth steel frames and well maintained utilities- were taken care of (government had to make money somehow).

Garbage and excrement, left on the streets and in alleys, gave of vile odors which filled the air people breathed and –along with the fossil fuels, diseases, violence and UV rays- damaged their lungs and contributed to the shortening of their life expectancy–which was about 40 years.

Trees not short and skinny from pathetic attempts at re-growth in the 21st century, were tinged with yellow sickness and on the verge of death; in no pool or stream, no matter how shallow, could you see beyond the murk and the few animals that existed were dying in zoos and small reserves.

Unlike the environment, people in the upper and middle classes had changed little; few in the middle class cared what about the world around them, and the attempts of those that did to change things usually ended in failure; meanwhile, most of the upper-class had their heads up their asses and the few that didn’t either made superficial attempts at improving the situation with money or were too busy trying to get richer to care. Let’s not forget the politicians; they lied, scammed, murdered…same old same old.

This was the ultimate culmination of civilization in all its glory and majesty.

In Africa the Sahara desert lay uninhabited because of the seemingly unbearable conditions; however, in the late 21st century, while the confederacy was preoccupied with conquering the rest of the Eastern hemisphere, people began to filter from confederation, inhabiting this seemingly desolate area. These people put time and effort into finding a clean and renewable energy source, cold fusion, with which they ran their towns and cities. Knowing that –although the confederacy would probably remain busy attempting to make and maintain their empire- they could be spotted by quick fly-bys, they developed cloaking technology.

Nature lay undisturbed as homes were integrated into the landscape. By the 22nd century the trees in the oases were flushed with green health while the ponds were clear and clean (they made genuine attempts at improving the environment, especially through technology such as toxic purgers and therapeutic nanobots); overpopulation did not occur because people had common sense.

The people of this society worked hard, though some worked harder than others; they actually learned from history and realized that communism and capitalism would not work, so they made a system in which everyone earned enough to live decently, but, those that worked harder than others earned more. The most important jobs were those of people like scientists, engineers, teachers etc… and they, not entertainers and athletes, were respected since they bettered society. Jobs such as those of pimps, strippers, and whores did not exist, not only because they were detrimental to society, but because people were not desperate enough to take such degrading jobs. The elderly were not simply stuck in retirement homes to rot, but, allowed to do things, such as the sharing of their knowledge, which would better the following generation, hence society.

There was nobody the middle and upper-class needed to take care of since there were no homeless or poor; instead, they focused on attempting to better themselves and others, not in a superficial way such as the gaining of money, but in an intrinsic manner such as the accumulation and sharing of knowledge, moral value etc… In addition, the politicians actually did their jobs; their sole duty was, not to themselves and their affiliations, but to the people.

This place, Corbata, was a Utopia.

A clash between these two societies did not seem imminent; however, in the late 23rd century there was a pause in the constant civil wars that had occurred since the confederacy took over the world and the Corbatan’s land was discovered as well as the precious ores and fossil fuels it contained and so began what was later known as “The Reality Check”. The winner of this conflict was obvious from the start for there was no way that the Corbatans, the ignorant and vile barbarians that they were, could stand up to a sophisticated civilization such as the Confederacy, in all their glory and majesty.

Declaration:
The leaders of the confederation stood in a semicircle, facing the holographic projection of the Corbatans. John Rose, his green eyes betraying no emotion and his brown hair –which complemented his nut brown complexion- tied back in a pony tail, said “it’s a pleasure to meet you.” His words rang hollowly in the ears of the confederation leaders: Danielle Coop, whose piercing brown eyes were focused upon the projections before her even as she brushed her bright red hair from her chocolate brown neck, and Joey Elliot, who swept his coal black hair –which contrasted with his albino skin- from his dark blue eyes. They inclined their heads in acknowledgement.

“We want your resources and your submission,” stated Joey and Danielle in unison as they stared impassively at Mary Campson, whose flowing auburn hair fell across her hazel eyes which stood out against her milky white complexion, and John.

“We don’t want a war,” said Mary; John, standing to her right, nodded his head in agreement. This was perhaps the biggest mistake the Corbatans could have made; the mistake was not in their words, for many leaders have said such things when confronted with the threat of war, but in their conviction; they meant what they said. Joey and Danielle glanced at each other, barely able to contain themselves; this would be easy.

“Surrender,” demanded Danielle.

“No,” spat John, deep green eyes glinting with contempt. “We’ll not submit ourselves to your glorious civilization.”

“We will, however,” began Mary, jaw firmly set. “Allow you to have our resources.”
“Especially since we’ve no use for them,” added John. “Better yet we’ll teach you how to use cold fusion.”

Danielle and Joey glanced at each other incredulously.

“Why the hell would we want a clean and renewable energy source!?” screamed Joey, genuinely shocked.

“We’d make less money!” added Danielle.

“Your people would live better,” stated Mary.

“Who…cares…about…the…people,” Joey sputtered between fits of laughter.

“Spew crap, make it sound intelligent, and most of them are happy,” added Danielle flatly.

“Since you refuse to surrender,” began Joey, finally able to contain him-self.

“We’ll destroy you,” finished Danielle as she turned off the projection.

John turned stiffly to Mary, “I’ll issue the order for civilian fortification.”

War:

Across the desert came a wave of soldiers, confederate red suits contrasting with the yellow desert and bright red bikes skimming above the desert surface, followed by W-18 tanks. The standard confederate soldier carried a pulse rifles while their bikes were equipped with glinting black cannons at their front and back. The sky was laced red with W-19 confederate planes, sleek design allowing them to destroy the sound barrier, which were poised to rain death upon their enemies. There were at least 1,500,000 troops.

Among these troops was 19 year old David whose red hair whipped in the wind, exposing his cocoa brown skin as he charged with the wave of soldiers, his dark brown eyes aflame with bloodlust. He, like every other soldier, charged with reckless abandon, knowing that there was no way that they, with civilization itself at their backs and no obstacles appearing before them, could lose. The wave of soldiers approached the cloak of Corbata, sensing the imminent victory, and as the first bikes crossed the threshold of the cloak, W-19s above, the civilizations greatest moment was unveiled.

Pockets of fire appeared as the bikes exploded, sending blood red shards in every direction, some of which pierced the armor of confederate soldiers; the W-19s were blown backwards, plummeting into the broken wave of soldiers below while leaving a beautiful trail of glowing red embers which gently floated down to the battle field, crackling with laughter.

David was the only one who had the sense of mind to swerve his vehicle, bringing him face to face with a wall of W-18’s and, as they bore down upon him, he flung him-self from his bike, which rushed headlong into the wall and burst into beautiful shards that reflected the light of the sun. One of these shards tore through David’s right arm leaving a trial of blood which glittered in the sunlight, reveling in civilization’s greatest moment.

David fell to the ground, his vision blurring, as W-19’s passed above him and, as a bike which had been blown back by an explosion plummeted toward him, his world turned black.

Glittering drops of tears fell to the floor as John and Mary watched the scene, eyes wide with shock and stomachs turning with nausea.

“What happened!?” they screamed in unison turning upon the man behind them. “It supposed to incapacitate them.”

“It was their fault,” Jean began calmly –his black eyes seeming to tremble as he nervously ran his hands through his short brown hair, sweat sliding down his paper white skin. “Had it not been for...”

“If there are any survivors,” interrupted Mary, still trembling.

“Then we’ll take them in,” finished John, sobbing and shaking his head. Jean nodded, as he turned toward the computer screen.

Sounds of laughter echoed through the room as Joey and Danielle watched the scene.

“This is definitely a good way to take care of overpopulation,” said Danielle.

“Has he made contact yet?” asked Joey.

Shaking her head Danielle responded, “He’s going to have to leave that off for a few years.”

Eyes opened, vision blurred, as they examined the white ceiling, slowly coming into focus; David, his body aching and arm throbbing, sat up.

“About time,” said Jean. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” David responded, his voice shaky. “More importantly,” he continued, as he collected him self, “Where am I and who are you?”

“You’re in my house and we are taking you in,” Jean responded smoothly. “As to whom I am, I’m the defense system engineer and, for reasons you don’t need to know, I’ll take you on as my assistant, after teaching you about the system.”

“How long will that take?” David asked, careful to keep his face blank.

“Five-years,” Jean said. “You won’t get too bored though, seeing as how my daughter will be learning with you; lessons begin next week.”

David walked into the room, nodding to Jean as he did, and sat next to Ally who, black eyes full of caution, greeted David while pulling her red hair from her paper white skin.

“Alright,” Jean began, clearing his throat. “We’ll start with the basics of cold fusion. First…”

Ally and, surprisingly, David stared intently at Jean, absorbing the information and so it went for the next 5 years, until Ally and David were given jobs as Jeans assistants, both now having access to Corbata’s energy system; an obvious mistake was made.

David now stood a bit taller in his black and blue engineer’s suit while Ally, hair now died blue and face more mature, was more comfortable with David. Jean, on the other hand, hadn’t changed at all, although he’d been promoted and his hair grew longer.

Before Danielle and Joey the projector flickered to life, casting a pale green glow on the unsurprised faces of Danielle and Joey; the man’s face was hidden from view but his blue and black engineer suit was plain as day.

“You’re ready?” asked Danielle.

“Yes,” the voice responded. “I’ve access to the main energy system and by tomorrow...” he continued menacingly. “These barbaric fools will die,” he finished venomously.

“If you do as good a job as you did 5 years ago,” began Joey, grinning from ear to ear. “We’ll double your pay.”

“10p.m., tomorrow night,” the cold voice said.

The clock on the blank wall read 8:30p.m, its needle unwillingly trudging forward.

“David and I are pulling the night shift,” Jean said to Ally as he walked through the door.

Two men stood in the control room monitoring and regulating the process of cold fusion; one of them slipped a silver disk out their black and blue suit pocket, surreptitiously inserting it into the panel, while rapidly running their fingers across the remorseful key board. The lights started to blink red as the warning for an energy build-up flashed across the screen. One of the men started for the alarm but fell to the floor as a heavy hand fell upon the back of his head, his vision blurring as the grey floor rushed to meet him; the man in black and blue threw open the door to the control room, while taking out a small grey pole. Blue light, glowing with torment, spurted onto the frame of the door, welding it shut and retreating to the grey pole as it left a trail of sparking tears

The cloak flickered angrily as a grey car crossed its threshold, its driver in blue and black smirking.

The alarm’s scream rang in his ears as he regained consciousness and, vision blurry, turned to the flashing screen.

9:5955p.m.The needle struggled against its gear as Oedipus did against his destiny.

As the screen broke and the fusion core cracked, waves of radiation burst from within, causing the man to convulse in pain. With a moan of agony the core glowed, trying to hold back the explosion, the man’s dark brown eyes widened with fear.

As the main core exploded, incinerating Corbata’s center, a pure white light burst into the sky which illuminated the despairing clouds.

The man in the grey car turned as the pure white light was forced to the sky, his black eyes dancing with delight as his dark brown hair flowed in the wind.

Reality is…life sucks.
Last edited by order on Mon Mar 05, 2007 11:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Mon Mar 05, 2007 4:06 am
Jennafina says...



Hello.

Please copy and paste your story here instead of having it as an attachment. You'll get more reviews if you do.

Also, there's a forum rule that says you should critique two other things before you post your own work. If you aren't sure how to do that, there are articles on that here. :)

Thanks, and welcome to YWS!

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Gender: Male
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Tue Mar 06, 2007 9:20 am
Valkyreminator says...



Nice Story, at least global warming is mentioned!

Well, although like most stories do, lack of name dictionary. However, well written indeed!
  





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59 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 59
Wed Mar 07, 2007 11:58 pm
order says...



Thanks, it took me a while to do this one and those descriptions were kind of new for me.
  





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58 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 58
Wed Mar 21, 2007 5:47 pm
Sean Pendr says...



it was very good, i see no point with the apprentice stuff and the adults of the confederation sound like extremely selfish teenagers.......but this paragraph was very well done: "In the late 21st century the countries of the America’s, led by the slightly weakened U.S., formed a military coalition known as the confederacy; the confederacy, with its overwhelming strength, conquered all of the countries in the Eastern hemisphere by the early 22nd century. Although their power helped, the confederacy’s success was due mostly to the numerous conflicts in the Eastern hemisphere; countries were unwilling to make alliances." it gives a realistic approach to the reality of conflict between ideal comunism and radical hedgemoney......i like it.......keep up the great work!!!! :D
I do not want the first pithy lines that pop into your head. I'm not interested in that. I want plot, real characters, sharp dialogue. Plan, dream, live your story, then write it. Novel writing is not for the impulsive. ~Kitty15
  





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Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:27 pm
Zen says...



I didn't finish reading this. The premise was interesting... but a bit of an info-dump, and that bored me. However, I do believe that this info-dumped could have been rephrased for a more dynamic, more engaging feel.

Let's take your first paragraph:

In the 21st century the earth was screwed up, overtime, however, the earth got even more screwed up; global warming accelerated at a shocking pace and the glaciers began to melt, decreasing the amount of land available on earth since the 21st century by 10% and –although you’d think that people would learn to use condoms- the population continued to increase.


I can rewrite it as:

In the 21st century, the Earth was screwed up, big time.

And then it went to hell.

Global warming accelerated at a shocking pace. Glaciers began to melt. Landmass decreased by ten percent. And though you'd think people would have learnt to use condoms, the population continued to rise.


A bit of statistics here would also have lent credibility to your premise.



One thing I noticed about your writing is that... in paragraphs without dialogue, you have a tendency to use long sentences with alot of commas. There's nothing wrong with this... but it does get a bit tedious. My suggestion is to vary sentence lengths, and break off sentences that are too big into smaller ones. It creates a more dynamic feel, and gives a better sense of rhythm and fluency to the story. Also helps to create mood.


And another thing is the description of the appearances of the people. I really don't understand how they relate to the story. Does it matter if I know how David or Jean look? Do their appearances play a role in the plot, in the message you're trying to convey? Cause I don't see it. And the thing about description is... never put it in if it doesn't serve a purpose.

So that's my short critique. Rephrase for fluency, and crop out the unnecessary things. ^_^
  





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59 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 59
Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:25 pm
order says...



Thanks for the critique Zen; also the description actually does play a role in the story, specifically the end.
  








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