Young Writers Society

There was a deep, metal pit. Within, three aliens lay. Two were fornicating, although not willingly, while the other slept. Around the pit, on the walkway, three figures stood.

"Disgusting," the General said.

"They are rather primitive," the scientist affirmed. He was staring at the three fixedly. "They appear to be slaves to their carnal desires; little more then animals really."

"And to think we once feared these things," the General sneered.

"Yes, well, their capacity for violence should not be underestimated. It is easily a match for their lust. And given the state of their planet, I think it safe to say that lust is near unquenchable." He tittered.

Their companion said nothing.

Below, the creature finished rutting, and finally deigned to notice the presence of the three. It looked up, eyes shining, feral. Massive muscles rippled as it moved, crawling about the pit with deadly grace.

The General made a strange noise. His face was twisted with hate. "I don't know why we even bother keeping them alive!"

This heated declaration was met with a smile from their as yet silent companion. "Is that the scent of fear I smell, General?" A small, dark chuckle escaped his lipless mouth, as he lifted himself from his leaning position. He sniffed deeply. "Yes, there can be no mistaking that scent... so delicious."

The General bristled. His fingers tightened about the railing but he said nothing. He couldn't slip up before the Inquisitor, or all would be lost. There was nothing he could do. "Are you calling me a coward, sir?" he said, in a low, dangerous voice. It was perhaps unwise to force the issue now, but at the same time, he knew his opponent too well; he wouldn't take the bait. The time was not yet right and they both knew it.

"Ah, now," the sly creature tutted, "what made you think I was referring to you, General?"

The tension heightened.

The scientist cleared his throat, uneasy. "Interestingly, the aliens don't appear to be restricted to a mating season," he said hastily, steering the conversation onto less dangerous grounds. "They can mate and impregnate almost at will."

"And how does the impregnation occur?" the Inquisitor asked, curiosity piqued.

"The male places an appendage within the female, sending out tiny parasitical creatures, one of which will nest in the females egg. Even from inception, they must fight for life."

The General spat. "Barbaric!"

"Let us keep in mind that we know nothing of the specimens we have gathered here. We know not their position, their role, or their function in society. For all we know, they could be the equivalent of the Res'nari Pit Fighters," the scientist said. "There is still much we do not know."

A moment passed as they stared thoughtfully.

"Well, gentlemen, I trust that is all for today?"

The others nodded and as one, the three turned and walked away, leaving the humans to wallow in their filth.

The story has an interesting perspective - Not a new one but one that isn't used often. The descriptions nice, and I the dialogue was good.

It is equally a match for their lust,

I don't think that quite makes sense, "It is equally matched by their lust".

I think that this is a good foundation for developing a new story. Oh and the grafitto thing on your other story - I guess you learn something new everyday.

Wow, your really getting around arent you, haha lol. I thought it was unusual til I saw your a fellow Australian lol. Most of the american based writers here arent on at this time.

And nicely picked out, that quote. I meant 'easily,' so thanks a lot for the comments!

Cheers.

Yes the nights on YWS are quite lonely, lol. It's nice to have someone else on around this time. Well I'll stop spamming your thread now, just wanted to say its been nice reading some of your stories - hopefully they'll be more about this time everyday

I don't really have much to crit here. I remember reading something like it in a school play, but this actually had some pretty good dialogue.

The real aliens actually had some personality. Odd these days, usually they just want to come in and kill everyone. It was refreshing not to have them do that for once.

So I just had to say good work Jigs. :p

Ah, the least helpful, but the most sought after type of comment lol. Guess I'm still smarting from Bubbles post haha, nah, she was really helpful.

But yes, back to the story, thanks a lot for your comment matt!! I'm surprised neither of you were, well, surprised that it was humans not real aliens in the pit. Guess that wasnt the clincher I thought it was, eh? hehe.

My mind seems to think too far ahead lol. I read the first line or two and thought: Yep, they're studying humans down there. You did at least make it seem more original.

Hah hah, I completely blanked out the final line for some reason, and didn't realise it was humans until you pointed it out. Kind of stupid of me really, especially as I've written a story told from an alien's perspective regarding humans as aliens also. I prefer your approach though.

Having said that, the whole mating description had me thinking, 'wait, humans do that', which I think was perhaps the strongest aspect of this story. Yayness.

Anyways,


"Disgusting," one, a General said.

- Suggestion:

‘"Disgusting," [s]one, a[/s] the General said.’

This is really just a POV thing that nagged at me a bit. Your next line of dialouge has a different POV - instead of being ‘a scientist’ it is ‘the scientist’. This may just be me being stupid though, so take this advice with a grain of salt (actually, that goes for most of my suggestions).



"Yes, well, their capacity for violence should not be underestimated. It is easily a match for their lust," the scientist said. "And given the state of their planet, I think it safe to say that lust is near unquenchable."

- Suggestion:

‘"Yes, well, their capacity for violence should not be underestimated. It is easily a match for their lust[s]," the scientist said[/s]. [s]"[/s]And given the state of their planet, I think it safe to say that lust is near unquenchable."’

I didn’t think the speech tag was really necessary hear. You’ve already established who the speaker is, and this flows just as well without it.



The tension heightened. The scientist cleared his throat, uneasy.

"Interestingly, the aliens don't appear to be restricted to a mating season," he said hastily, steering the conversation onto less dangerous grounds. "They can mate and impregnate almost at will."

- Suggestion:

‘The tension heightened.

The scientist cleared his throat, uneasy. "Interestingly, the aliens don't appear to be restricted to a mating season," he said hastily, steering the conversation onto less dangerous grounds. "They can mate and impregnate almost at will."’

I just thought ‘the tension heightended’ worked better in its own paragraph.



"And how does the impregnation occur?" The Inquisitor asked, curiosity piqued.

- Correction:

‘"And how does the impregnation occur?" the Inquisitor asked, curiosity piqued.’

I’m pretty sure that isn’t meant to be a capital t.



"Well, gentleman, I trust that is all for today?"

- Correction:

‘"Well, gentlemen, I trust that is all for today?"’

Plural.

Also, is ‘gentlemen’ really a good term to use here, considering that we are not, in fact, talking about ‘men’?



Great story - I really like your writing style. There were a couple of lines in here that lead some things left open - such as ‘The time was not yet right and they both knew it’. So I’m curious: do you have a sequel in mind? I’d certainly be interested in how you’d continue it, although this does stand up well on its own.

Ciao for now. ^_^

Ah, noice crit Sur, very noice indeed. Do I have a sequel in mind? Yes and no. There is a sci-fi story in my head, which really has nothing to do with the above, but I think I used this oppurtunity to start creating the main alien race, kinda a character sketch if you will.

So perhaps we'll be seeing the General and the Inquisitor some other time...

Thanks for the crit!! Tis appreciated.

Heyo Jiggity!

It is easily a match for their lust.

Something doesn't sound quite right about it to me, perhaps 'It is easily matched by their lust.'?

The others nodded and as one, the three turned and walked away, leaving the humans to wallow in their filth.

I like the way this is quite backhanded, and not making such a big deal out of it, as if the reader's already worked it out that it's humans(well that was my thoughts anyway...)

Squee! I liked this, although I did work out it was humans after reading the first two lines, though I think I preffered reading it that way. It did leave me with one big question though, what do the General, the Scientist and the Inquisitor actually look like? Even though I'd figured out it was the humans in the pit, the three of them still appeared quite humanesque in my mind, just with slightly grayer skin than normal.

Well that's all from me, toodle pips!

-Fish!