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Apathetics



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Fri May 25, 2007 5:15 am
Trident says...



[This is not yet complete. I do plan to finish it, so please feel free to comment.]


The four sat in opposite corners, never quite knowing how exactly they had gotten there. The white-walled room, congruent in every way, even to the very chairs they sat in, was so eerily silent, so pristine, so fresh, so very perfect, that the four found no need to move at all. They merely sat in their perfect corners and stared at one another, the only imperfections in their little world.

The four wore white shirts and pants, white shoes with white laces, and on their chests were four symbols, not numbers or letters, but symbols, easily recognizable. The first man had a simple line, which he first thought looked like the number one, but dismissed that idea when he saw the others’ shirts. The woman to his left had on her chest a large X, not the letter she recognized immediately, but another symbol. The man to her left had a triangle on his shirt, a simple shape, but with his symbol, they began to see what pattern was in order. The last woman in the room had a square. One, two, three, four; not numbers per se, but amounts. One line, two lines crossed, three connected, four. Symbols they were familiar with, a system they could register. And on each of their right temples, a white device protruded. They knew instinctively not to touch it for fear of reprisal, as if they had been trained all their lives not to touch it, as one learned not to touch a snake or stick a hand into fire. The device only raised more questions: what was it meant for? would it tell them something? would it kill them if they touched it?

On the four walls, reflecting their plain faces and plain bodies and the room’s plain white paint, were four long horizontal mirrors. The four felt a weighty presence behind those mirrors, watching, bearing them down to the floor. Waiting for now, as the four were content enough just to sit, but also watching. No doubt evaluating, calculating, assessing, appraising. Waiting. Watching. Rather boring work. Rather tedious work.

A piercing wail came from the ceiling, through a vent above their heads; a tiny and insignificant little hole. It was also centered, like everything else in the room. It was symmetric. It was perfect.

When the wailing finally sputtered out, the four saw the walls overcome by blue light: the deepest shade they had ever seen. It was of the darkest skies, the deepest of ocean trenches. Blue so beautiful it screamed a tranquil escape. At each of their corners, directly above their heads, a small black nozzle fell from the ceiling. A jet of smoke, or of steam perhaps, colored by the walls’ blue, grew thick and enveloped the room. They breathed in the concoction without much objection. Once its influence was fully in effect, the four felt a rumbling deep within their stomachs and their hearts fluttered. Their hands shook along with the rest of their bodies. They began to sink deep into the walls. The mirrors only reflected more of that deep hue. They were lost, wandering aimlessly into the deep recesses of the room. They discovered new worlds, found uncharted abysses. Slowly, they gathered to the center of the room while the blue light danced with more vivacity then ever before. Line grasped Square’s arm in despair. X joined the two, and Triangle sat aside from the rest and wept. The four had never known such anguish. They wandered and wandered, but never arrived. Some destination awaited them, but it never came.

The blue gently faded and the walls once again were white. The four, terrified and confused, made it awkwardly back to their corners. It seemed that this part of their ordeal was over.
Perception is everything.
  





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Tue May 29, 2007 11:13 am
Rydia says...



I think I'm going to do this one a paragraph at a time -

The four sat in opposite corners, never quite knowing how exactly they had gotten there...


I'm not sure about the word 'gotten' in this paragraph. Perhaps it would be better to say 'never quite knowing how exactly they had arrived there.' Other than that I think it's a good start but you could make more of the comparrison between the perfect room and the imperfect people. Perhaps outline that while everything in the room in congruent and white, the people have different colour hair and are of different heights. That or in some other way describe the features of these four.


The four wore white shirts and pants, white shoes with white laces, and on their chests were four symbols, not numbers or letters, but symbols, easily recognizable...


I couldn't find much wrong with this paragraph. It was very nice and I like the idea of symbols used to count rather than numbers.

On the four walls, reflecting their plain faces and plain bodies and the room’s plain white paint, were four long horizontal mirrors...


I think you've emphasised that the room is white and perfect enough now. It gets a little repetetive after a while. Same with the watching and waiting. I think it's best if you mention it, add a little description and then move on. Other than that though, your punctuation is good and it's a nice paragraph.

When the wailing finally sputtered out, the four saw the walls overcome by blue light: the deepest shade they had ever seen...


First off, I think you should say 'indigo' or 'navy blue' rather than 'blue' the first time you mention the colour because I got an image of light blue in my head and then had to re-think it when I read the next few lines. For me, that took my mind out of the story and you do the same again with steam and smoke. These two substances are a little too different to mistake one for the other. Other than that though, I liked a lot of your description and how you refer to the characters by their symbols. Very well written, keep up the good work!
Writing Gooder

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Tue May 29, 2007 1:05 pm
Myth says...



Hello Trident!

The only thing I can point out that came up too often was the mention of 'white', for their clothing you could have given a list instead of: white this, white that, etc.

Otherwise I didn't see much else to bring up. The blue steam-smoke could have been anything and I'll wait to see what it is.

Myth
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'...'
  





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Tue May 29, 2007 4:43 pm
Alteran says...



Holy Hell that was wierd. Good though. Very nicely written though i agree with Myth about the White. I understand though that you are describeing the are but perhaps there is another way to do this without such repetition.

Hope you finish it soon.
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Tue May 29, 2007 4:56 pm
gyrfalcon says...



I loved it! For me, it was like watching a champion figure skater competition, every move graceful and flawless, every piece coming promptly and perfectly after the one before it--bravo! It was easy to read and, once you got used to the strangeness, easy to follow. Only one small thing:

A piercing wail came from the ceiling, through a vent above their heads; a tiny and insignificant little hole. It was also centered, like everything else in the room. It was symmetric. It was perfect.


You don't show the four's reaction to this noise, only what they do afterwards. Even if there is no reaction, you should mention it as it will give the reader vital clues about your characters (i.e. did they all react the same or not? if different, how?)
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
  





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Wed May 30, 2007 6:48 am
Trident says...



Many thanks for the comments all. I'll see if I can't get another part up within the next week or so.
Perception is everything.
  





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Fri Jun 01, 2007 1:32 am
Poltergiest says...



This is my first comment so...

I thought it was very well done. It confused me abit in the end, but you're obviously very descriptive. I'd like to know alot more about the individuality of the four and what they're feeling before this "blue".

Overall it was amazing.
Your really good and I can't wait to read the rest.

~Pol
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