Young Writers Society

I felt like writing something, so here it goes...

A Priceless Bounty

"Wanted! Dead or Alive! 28-year old killer form Planet Schul! Reward: One hundred platines"

Dane dismissed the holographic sign with his hand, and walked forward. Killers... he'd gotten tired of them. At first, it seemed very bounty-hunterish to get the most dangerous criminals, the ones that really posed a threat. It was only thirty three arrests later that he arrived at simple conclusion: Killers didn't pose a threat at all, most of the time, and even when they did, the rewards weren't satisfying. Smugglers were more interesting. Forgers were comic and fun to catch. But State enemies were Dane true passion.

Every hunt for a State enemy had proved engaging, mysterious, exhilarating and most of all, immensely rewarding. It had been his focus on them that had earned Dane Lorrain the reputation of King of Bounty Hunters, with a faithful crew and top-notch equipment, not to mention ship.

He stopped, looking at another holographic globe, one of the many spread through the Bounty Hunters Bay. The place was a huge outdoor fair, filled with notices and people, mostly males, that looked at them. There were also motels and bars, in which the bounty hunters joined to discuss their latest hunt or plan an alliance for the next. Most of them just showed off telling amazing stories that none but the youngest believed.

Kana, by his side, complained. "Dane, I know you want to feel once in a while this sense of...", she looked around, "humbleness, but really, can't we get on? You now we will end up in the Secretary's office asking who has offended the State the most."

Dane looked at her, half a smile in his mouth. "Kana, dearest, haven't twelve years under my command taught you that I value my roots? Once, just being here made me a part of the club. Who cares if I now rule it?"

Kana didn't respond. The small speech she had just been given equaled a reminder of her position. Being second-in-command didn't gave her permission to mock, or disapprove of, her captain's actions.

"But if you're feeling really uncomfortable, you can go back to the docks. I'll finish here and see the Secretary on my own". Kana did not make a motion to leave. She wanted to see the Secretary too, for her own private reasons, and if joining Dane in his walk through this filthy place was what it took, she'd do it. "I'll stay."

"Look at this, Kana. A ship thief. Maybe you know him". Kana blushed under her hood, which, like Dane, she was using so as not to be recognized. Dane had picked her up while she tried to steal his ship, and reminding her of that humble background was his way of explaining why he liked to come to the Bay.

"No, I don't know him. He's far too young to have been a colleague. It was twelve years ago, Dane". Dane didn't answer. He simply walked forward, his long black cloak barely touching the floor. Under the hood, his eyes closed, and he breathed slowly, as if to prevent the rush of memories that came to his mind from taking over him.

"It's time to go, Kana. Call Meier", he said. His hand were clenched.

"But, Dane, I thought..." She stopped by herself. He didn't need to say anything for her to know she just had to obey. She didn't want to be told off twice in the same day. She took the small comm from her cloak and pressed the blue button. "Meier, we're in the Bay. Come quickly. And don't bring Moss. You know the Secretary dislikes him."

Dane stopped and turned to her. "Now, Kana, we have some things to discuss. Is it today that you plan to overthrow me? For if it is, I rather deal with it before seeing the Secretary."

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That's it. Liked it? Don't know if I'll keep going, but tell me your opinions.

This was a good start, but little on the slow side and somewhat cliche/contrived. You're on dangerous ground as it is writing a piece about bounty hunters. I'll follow this story as you write more to see how you do with the premise of a bounty hunter "king", which sounds ominously banal and boiler plate to me. Be very careful with this subject.

Also, this is probably the worst way to begin a story: by introducing two characters who are shooting the bull, with nothing to do. The best way to begin any piece of writing is to shove the reader and characters into the thick of the action right off the starting block, doing something, anything. This immediatly captures a readers attention, gives you the ability to paint a character's personality in it's rawest form and have fun. You provide a lot of background information here in the beginning as well, which can kill any story fast. Lighten up on the history, bulk up on the action.

Your dialogue was quite good, but there was little of it. I'll track your dialogue as well if you continue to write this. Dialogue is one of the most important elements of a story.

Some nitty-gritty:

One hundred fligs"

A flig? Give me a break. Please. Come up with a name a little less starwars-esque and immature. It immeditaly puts an age tag on the story. Which is something you don't want.

Killers... he'd gotten tired of them

Consider a colon instead of elipses here.

it seemed very bounty-hunterish

Bounty-hunterish? You couldn't come up with any word better than "bounty-hunterish"? Use a thesaurus, pick your brain, do anything, just don't use that word.

Killers didn't pose a threat at all, most of the time, and even when they did, the rewards weren't satisfying.

Since when are killers no threat? This just doesn't make any sense at all. And since when is smuggling higher on the list of felonies than killing? I think killers would be the most dangerous, the most sought after, and the biggest threat.

not to mention ship.

You can cut this part. A ship would be included with the "equipment".

Kana blushed under her hood,

How does he know she's blushing? Say instead that he "sensed" her blushing or that he felt her blush. Something like that. The presence of a hood would generally make it difficult to see one's face.

humble

You used this word multiple times in very close proximety. Use a thesaurus and find alternative words.

Anyways, keep writing. I'd like to see where this goes.

-Kylan

Kylan (BTW way, cool nick, really matches with my story), since you seemed to, despite all the flaws, like the story, I'll keep writing it. Now I've got to comment on your comments:

- The fligs thing was really terrible. I'll change it. No discussion there.

- The ellipse is to indicate a reflection on the subject. Kinda like a sigh. Colons would kill the purpose, they would explain coldly.

- The "bounty-hunterish" is supposed to be annoying. It's something Dane found annoying, and you should feel just the same. After all, that's why you put an "ish" after the word.

- The killer thing: You are right when applied to our present world, but who knows what threat will killers posses in a world where Earth is not the only inhabited planet? Besides, I didn't say other where more threatening, just more entertaining.

- "Not to mention ship". It's not part of the equipment. Is your car part of an exploring equipment? At all. I meant guns and gadgets, not mean of transportation.

- I'm not saying Dane saw Kana blushing. I just said she did. Just I said that she wanted to see the Secretary for private reasons. I'm an outsider in this scene, I haven't taken sides. I know the inner feelings and thoughts of both.

- I said humble once. And I also said "humbleness". Does that count?

That's all. I think you maybe right about killing the story. The things is, I'm not committed to it, so I'm not really paying attention to planning, except for the title, which does refer to something that hasn't happened yet.
Oh, and the King thing, it means "More important, prominent", not actually ruler.
So, here's more... tell me if you (all of you who read this, not just Kylan) like it and what do you think I should change.

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Kana immediately reached for her pistol inside the cloak.

"Overthrow you, Dane? What do you mean?"

"Well, call it what you will. Take my place, do my job, command my crew... kill me. It's all the same, isn't it?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

Dane reached for his pocket. Kana's grip around the pistol tightened.

"You can let go of that pistol, Kana. You don't have a chance", said Dane, taking a pack of cigarettes out. "You are a ship thief"

"No"

Kana's eyes were tight now. She had begun to draw the pistol slowly.

"No, I'm not just I ship thief. I have been one, I still am. But I'm also a bounty hunter, and one that knows more about it than you do. You taught me, remember? Of how other peoples wrongs could be your rights? Of how criminals were necessary, because then we had a job? Well, lesson learned. If only right now you discovered you're principles were twisted and decided to go back to your roots, you deserve to be killed."

Dane took a long draw from the cigarette before answering.

"I suppose my refusal to hunt the anti-slave trade activists in our last meeting with the Secretary has shocked you."

"They were the best bounty there was! Dane! For God's sake, why didn't you accept?"

"You know what they say, the slave traders? That Julians don't have a soul. That it's not wrong to enslave them 'cause, after all, what else would they do in life if not work for us? And the Secretary, oh, the Secretary agrees and says it's good for economy and the flux of capital. Yes, he and the rest of the Office are quite pleased with this new form of exploitation."

"I'm not saying I agree with it. But you never asked yourself who you were hunting! You just did! And now you decided to refuse ten million platines, take just five and hunt a Profaner!"

Dane threw his burned-out cigarette to the ground and smashed it with his foot as he would an ugly bug.

"You're not a bounty hunter, Kana. You're a mercenary"

Too fast for Kana, he grabbed her own gun and shot her in the head. Catching the body so it would not fall, he held her close and whispered to her ear.

"I'll tell the Secretary your little arrangement with him is finished."

And, holding her in his arms, he threw her to the water surrounding the Bay.

"I'll miss you Kana. But I suspect the pain for your treason will hurt more than your absence. No one overthrows the king of bounty hunters"

Meier arrived in a sleek, red ship. It had room for four. Dane sat beside Meier.

"Take me to the Secretary"

"Where's Kana?"

"She resigned."

The ship took off, and the Bay got lost in the mist of the city. No one there had seen anything out of the ordinary.
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There's more coming!

(BTW way, cool nick, really matches with my story),

Heh, it's not a nick, it's my legal name, printed on my birth certificate with grade A ink.

Anyway, in regards to the reply of my critique: It's your story. Most of what I said, I sincerely meant. Like the "hunter-ish" comment. It just doesn't fit. But if you want to keep it, by all means.

On to part 2:

I really liked this section. Good action, good dialogue, good characterization. It was written with much more passion and purpose than part 1 was written with. And that was really shown on paper, figuratively speaking. Kudos. I find myself, however, wishing that Dane had been killed and Kana had lived. She seems like a better canidate for Main Character - invoking more emotion and pity from a reader than the cold and distanced Dane. What Dane did makes me dislike him. If this is what you were aiming for, you hit the target square on. If you're considering making Dane the character you follow throughout the entire story, you made a bad move. I don't care if your MC is hardened, cold, calculating, a killer, but the reader is supposed to root for him. Killing Kana makes us hate him instead. Mainly because she was more of an underling and because she was "defensless", so to speak.

The conflict in part two seems to come out of nowhere. It's well written, but poorly placed. There was too much calm before the storm, I think. There should have been more tension between the two and more story before he killled her. Consider making parts one and two the prologue to the piece. The actual story should be more carefully executed and well planned. I don't think, that when you started writing, you were originally planning for Dane to kill Kana (correct me if I'm wrong.) and if you were, then you kinda sped things up a little too quickly. Take time. Describe more of the setting and think about switching PoVs between Kana and Dane. Something just seems missing about the transition from shooting the bull to shooting the girl.

Anyways, like I said, consider describing a little more about the setting. You did little of that in the first portion and from what I gather, they're at a bounty hunter fair standing on the banks of a river. If that's right, I still don't have a very vivid picture.

Good job. Lots of drama and chills and action.

-Kylan

Kylan... (This is REALLY turning into a personal chat, but who cares, you're the only one who seems to read it anyway). Sorry about the nick thing, mine's not my name, so I figured...

So you disliked Dane? Well, here's what I though when writing (and yes, I did plan to kill Kana the moment she appeared in the prose): Dane is a bounty hunter who, after years of a hard job has realized that getting paid doesn't equal to fulfilling the law, specially since he started hunting government enemies. Kana doesn't care about that and will do anything that gets her the most money (such us, indirectly, support slavery). I thought that by showing that side, her death would seem like a right thing. The first, I dare say, in the path of Dane to getting the priceless bounty. If you truly disliked him, give me more details of what triggered such a feeling.

The thing about descriptions is absolutely true. I didn't take the time, as I had the Bay in my head, and didn't worry, as I should have, about showing it to the reader. My apologies. About the action, you're also right. Maybe Kana grew in those few paragraphs to be more than a story-starting kill. There was too much calm. However, the Prologue idea won't work for I am not really committed, and a format won't work (I am in the middle of a novel revision and so, I can't dedicate time to this. I just empty my brain here). I hope the use of flashback action will be able to justify and explain everything that has happened up until now.

Now, here is the follow up, hope you enjoy it and, by all means, don't stop giving your opinion. Again, everyone else who's not Kylan is also invited (Someone? Anyone? Hello?).

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The ship sped through the streets of Seine, guided skillfully by Meier, who did not dare to ask why such an active member of the crew would resign in less than half an hour. Dane's face did not invite to question-asking.

He was closed inside himself. The boldness that would be required of him in a few minutes was too much. It had hurt enough to kill Kana. It was nothing he wanted to do. But she was the essence of the rotten society he had decided to leave. She, in her lust for money, overlooked principles and moral just to obtain what she wanted. And the mutiny she was about to carry out would have come sooner or later. There were helpers: Her private conversations with the Secretary, his refusal to take on the activists, but there would come a time when her greed alone would rebel against being under him, working for him, earning less than him.

And he had just discovered that. It hurt. It shocked him. For, despite always having such worries, he had loved her. Ever since the minute that he first saw her, trying to emulate his fingerprint on his ship's door, he had fallen in love for her. Had she ever known? He was cold enough to hide every emotion. And that was why her treason had hurt so much.

Tears spilled from his eyes, cloaked eyes that Meier could not see now, and he wept. Money had become his foremost enemy. It had taken love and happiness from him. And the most dangerous thing was he did not want them back. He just wanted revenge.

*

The Secretary switched in his chair and looked at his watch. Dane was three minutes late. That had never happened. And shouldn't, specially now, when he needed to see Kana so much. He was afraid. Someone had been indiscreet, and now he feared Dane knew. For, in that matter, knowing one thing was knowing it all.

The intercomm made a piercing sound, and the Secretary picked it up fast, so it would stop.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Secretary? Dane Lorrain is in his way to your office"

"Thank you, Clarion"

Sighing, he hung up. Clarion was a stupid girl. She was supposed to call before the appointed went through, not after. He would have to fire her.

The door opened, not too fast, not too slow. It simply did, and a perfectly still Dane Lorrain was outside.

"Dane, my friend, how are you?"

Dane closed the door and pulled a chair. He sat, not slouching like he usually did, and took out Kana's gun.

"Good evening, Secretary."

"What's the gun for, Dane?"

"You'll see."

The secretary raised an eyebrow, trying to look skeptical and mature, but his fears grew inside him.

"Where's Kana?"
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The sun came through the Secretary's office window, and everything under it seemed to glow in the it's dim light. The day was ending.

The Secretary's body was half through the window, glass covered, blood soaked and still. Deathly still. It had been so for a few minutes now.

Dane Lorrain, across the Secretary's desk, did not stare at the body. His eyes were closed, and his head faced the roof. Memories occupied his mind. He was reviewing his story since he started to hunt bounties for some memory that would explain why, in the span of an hour, both Kana and the Secretary were dead. They had been, not too long ago, the two most important people in his life. The Secretary had given him the opportunity to become what he was now, and Kana had been the love of his life. But both had betrayed him. And it was, in a basic level, his fault.

Dane's last assingment had been to hunt a pack of rebels who opposed, some times violently, to slave trading. He had accepted, for the pay was irresistible. It had proven a hard job. The rebels were quite hard to find and uncommonly smart and quick. Not the run of the mill manifestant. Even so, he had cornered them at last. The pay demanded them dead, and so he readied his gun.

But a thought held Dane's finger when it was about to pull the trigger. Unlike the State offenders he had haunt through the years, this people he was about to shoot had not disturbed public order out of madness or greed. They did not seek glory or recongnition for their deeds. They wanted justice. The fact that they weren't Julians, the species being slaved, just proved it.

It was the first time Dane had a clear view of his job. Although he was no government employee, he had helped to keep order in a minor scale. And, when recieving his pay, he had been rewarded for such a service. It was not the free-lance job Dane had always thought bounty hunting to be. He had been, specially since meeting the Secretary, working for the State, and thus supporting it. And he had never considered the state of such employer.

It was a very bad state, when he came to think about it. The fact that the Government offered a ransom for the silencing of rebellions against slave trading showcased just how bad it was. And, if he fired that gun, he would be accepting such a request as fair. It was not, and he did not fire the gun. He grabbed a stunned Kana and called for Meier, and they leaved the planet.

The Secretary could not have been more displeased with his performance. He gave Dane another job, but was very wary of speaking to him. He seemed to prefer Kana as a dealer. And so was Kana's, and the Secretary's, treason born. She was to kill Dane, take his place as leader of the squad, and then perform the Secretary's assingments without second thoughts or considerations as to what was she doing. A mercenary, that was what she would become.

Dane took a cigarette from his shirt pocket and lighted it.

"You see, Secretary, it was not a selfless act."

The body did not answer. It would not, Dane knew, but speaking to it seemed ironically irresistible.

"I killed you, and Kana, for your plotting against me. For the corruption you discovered, and expanded, on her. For turning her against me. Killing her hurted more that reaping my heart off. But I already had, because she'd proven not to love me."

He threw the cigarette out the window and got up. He walked to the opposite side of the desk, and, grabbing the legs of the Secretary's feet, he threw the body after the cigarette.

"I will not be overthrown. I am the King of Bountyhunters."

He walked to the door and opened it. Looking back one last time, he said:

"I do not seek justice, for it would be a priceless bounty to pay. But I will not get in it's way."
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This is it? Liked it? Leave comments!

Hey there Cuni. I just recently noticed your shoutout on my profile. I'm sorry I didn't continue reading this piece, but you made it sound like you didn't really want my opinion. Probably just something screwed up in translation, though.

By the way, you mentioned something about one of my pieces, "The Oil Fields Are Burning." Did you read it? I didn't notice any critiques from you in the three threads. More importantly, did you like it?

Critique of part 3:

You definately know how to hold one's attention. Your prose is blunt, to-the-point but not overbearingly so. For the most part, you also managed to pull off Dane's inner dialogue quite well, without forcing his emotions on the reader. I feel that you could've taken a little more time with the Secretary as a character and taken some more time as well in describing the setting. I can't see these people very well. Description is a fickle thing. A tightrope operation. You need the description, but there is a thin line between too much and too little. You happen to be wavering on too little. Consider lengthening the piece a little by elaborating on your world - in moderation, of course - and spend more time with your character's personality. So much has happened to people I know very little about.

For, despite always having such worries, he had loved her.

I'm sorry, but this just isn't realistic. If you love someone, you aren't going to shoot them. Never. Love is an extremely powerful emotion, much more than interest or attraction. If Dane really was compelled to kill Kana, he would be a tad more than acutely disappointed. My advice: take out the love angle. It just isn't viable.

And the most dangerous thing was that he did not

Grammar stuff: missing a "that".

The Secretary switched in his chair and looked at his watch.

I don't think "switched" is the appropriate word here. Maybe "squirmed" or a similar word, but "switched" doesn't work.

specially now,

Grammar: specially = especially.

Anyway, sometime tomorrow I'll take a look at the rest.

Keep up the good work.

-Kylan

Okay. Game over. Finito.

Though you did a good job writing this portion of the story - the story in general for that matter - I feel there are a couple problems here. Eventually, you've just got to step back, take a good long look at at any piece you've written, and ask yourself, "what have I accomplished?" And this story, with so much build-up and so much potential, falls flat on it's face at the end. It accomplishes nothing. I don't care about any of the characters, the plot, Dane's problem, or Dane's "sacrifice". Do you know why? Everything is happening too fast. There isn't enough story. There isn't any time for us to develop relationships with the characters or get a taste of the world you've set up. It's bam, bam, bam, the end. There's no subtlety. There's no irony. Dane is arcane. He's out of reach as a character because you've done little to help him grow.

You introduce these concepts - slavers, slave trading, Julians - and you do nothing about them. They're only mentioned. To salvage this piece, you need to make it longer, novella length, and draw us into you're science fiction world by showing the crime and the corruptness and the complete destitution of the people in general. I leave this wanting more, unsatisfied.

Also, you do a lot of telling here at the end. You tell us what happened and why. This isn't how a good story works. The reader should know and should be completely aware of what's happening throughout the story and you, as the author, shouldn't have to explain. The means should justify the ends. I cannot stress the fact that you need to show me what you tell me at the end there any more than I have already. Please.

I'm being harsh on you because, essentially, you are a good writer, but you just need to know how to piece together a successful story.

grabbing the legs of the Secretary's feet, he threw the body after the cigarette.

He threw him out by his legs? What is this guy, superman? It would be extremely difficult to throw someone out a window by their legs.

"I do not seek justice, for it would be a priceless bounty to pay. But I will not get in it's way."

This is an iffy end line. It seems contrived. Like you were trying too hard. A lot of Dane's dialogue feels the same way beforehand as well. Consider fixing it to seem more natural and take out the self-righteous cliches.

It would not, Dane knew, but speaking to it seemed ironically irresistible.

Nice line.

Anyway, as I've said your writing is pristine, but how you write could use a little polishing.

I hope I've helped.

-Kylan

Kylan, thanks. I PM'd you, okay?

hey good story so far - but in the second part, there's this:

Too fast for Kana, he grabbed her own gun and shot her in the head. --- i find that too short a sentence to be dealing with such an action. If i had been speed-reading, i would've missed it, and wondered what the hell happened to the chick.

also, just your punctuation regarding speech marks is. . . anyway - remember fullstops go INSIDE the "" and make sure there ARE full stops.

No one there had seen anything out of the ordinary. ---- that seems unlikely to me. i rather think if they were at the pier, the merchants and such would be quite used to seeing "out of the usual" stuff, and would have picked up on Dane's actions immediately.

otherwise, neat story - off to read the rest.

cheers,

jai

EDIT:

ok - i've read the rest

there's too many hurt's in the 1st and 2nd paragraph of part 3.

Tears spilled from his eyes --- should be ";" --- cloaked eyes that Meier could not see now, and he wept. Money had become his foremost enemy.

*

He was afraid. Someone had been indiscreet, and now he feared Dane knew. --- weak language useage - "he feared Dane knew" - *shudders* you can come up with something better than that.

The intercomm made a piercing sound, and the Secretary picked it up fast, so it would stop. --- again, weak "so it would stop"? gah.

{{{{Dane Lorrain, across the Secretary's desk, did not stare at the body. His eyes were closed, and his head faced the roof. Memories occupied his mind. He was reviewing his story since . . . --- ect. was quite boring to read. maybe include this back ground history someplace else. i want to hear more about the dead Secretary and NOW time, not back then.

He threw the cigarette out the window and got up. --- i don't get why he'd throw away a peice of evidence that suggested he was the murderer. and also, how will he get rid of that girl (the one who announced Dane) who is one of many that knew he was the last int he presence of the Secretary before his untimely death?

He walked to the door and opened it. Looking back one last time, he said: "I do not seek justice, for it would be a priceless bounty to pay. But I will not get in it's way." --- i agree with Kylan - that last line is too try-hardish, and also subtracts from the story value. i know i, for one, wouldn't tarry any longer after killing a man - neither should a professional bounty hunter.

****

all in all, this is a good read, and i look forward to reading more

cheers!

jai
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Well, that was very interesting. I'm taking it it's not finished. I hope it's not, because I'm really liking it.

There are grammar mistakes in every part which can easily be fixed up if you go through it. But just to be sure, I'll point some of them out now.

Call Meier",

Call Meier,"

"You are a ship thief"

"No"

"Your are a ship thief."

"No."

I think there's more than that, but those are a few areas you can fix up. Overall your story and characters are very interesting. I hope there's more, and I'd love it if you could PM me when you post more so I can come and crit.

Guys: Thanks a lot for your critiques. They were saved and I've been correcting the text in my PC. See ya!