Young Writers Society

This was part chapter 13 of FREAK.

Snoink!

Ooh, more FREAK! ^_^ Unfortunately, I only read chapters 1-7 (if that's right)? So, we'll see how much help I'll be, haha.

Lord, Snoink, you torture me. This is so freaking good, I almost cried when it stopped. Cruelty, that is.

The Freak

You're right, I don't completely understand the Freak's actions due to skipping a few chapters. I know enough to say that she's not out of character. I felt sorry for the Freak when Sadie's father found her. That entire scene -- I think I'm still frowning. *feels brow*

Sadie's Father

You say you're more worried about Sadie's father being out of character the most. I don't think he is. His talk with Carolina seemed to have fit, especially his tiny rage attack when she left. Sadie's father is definitely by himself in that he respects the Freak well enough, and yet he knows what actions deserve punishment, much like a strict father. We just see different sides of him, and that's perfectly fine. He doesn't seem out of character, from what I remember of him.

Overall

I wouldn't worry one bit. This is awesome, and I wasn't kidding about nearly crying when it ended. You're a horrible person.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow, I haven't read any of them, but now im going to. i have to say, this was absolutely awesome! Keep 'em coming!

Now im going to go read the others.

He stalked into a room Carolina had come out of and slammed the door hard.

It should be, "He stalked into THE room.." Snoinkifer.

And that's pretty much all the mistakes I found. I only read 1 - 7, the ones you posted in the AC forum. Where are these 8 - 12 you speak of? I want them! *rummages through Snoink's portfolio frantically*

FREAK

The Freak was pretty much herself, with the uber polite-ness and such, but I don't really understand why she did what she did. She's not an idiot - she knows, and she's been told this many times - that if she goes out, she could easily be killed. Of course, I haven't read 8 - 12, so I may be wrong.

SADIE'S FATHER

Seemed unrealistic. His dialogue with Carolina just made him seem helpless and out of character. I know he's always like that around his wife, but the dialogue was also a bit stifled.

She suddenly pushed him away. “But I can’t!”

He tried to hold her back. “Why not?”

“Because I have something else I have to do.”

“But you said--”

Here, the dialogue is cliche and unoriginal, which is very un-snoinkish for you. "But I can't!" Oh, dear Carolina, "Why not?" See, if I were Sadie's dad, I would be a bit angry. She was a little more than pleased when he kissed her before, and now she wants to do squat. Carolina, I can understand, because she's an evil bitch, but the father I don't. Instead of "why not," he should refer back to the fact that she said she was free for the day, rather than let her explain it to him. And during this dialogue, try to show more characteristics. Did he hold her back because he was sad? Curious? Angry? This is just my opinion, of course.

Like Jabbah said, though, when he had his little tantrum when she left, that was definitely in character for him.

OVERALL (Sorry Jabbah, I copied your format =))

Awesome. Don't worry about this too much, this is just serious doubts and opinions. You know how people just hate typing, "Oh Em Gee! So awesome! Can't wait for more! Are literary flaws nonexistent is your world?" Ha ha, no.

But the servants were definitely in character, and the detail was great. Work on that dialogue though. And have Carolina killed. I hate that woman!

~*Sara*~