Young Writers Society

Alright, before I give the story, I just wanted to say I don't write scifi very often (this is my first, to be honest) and I usually write fantasy. I also noticed that while I was writing I changed my tenses (I tend to do that). Some of it wasn't very well thought out and I just made it up as I went (partly because I was in my math class). Well, without any further ado, here it is:


The sounds of the dead and dying were everywhere. The monolithic buildings of glass exploding from percussion. Shards of glass fell on the body's below in the cratered roads. Smoke and blazing flames billowed from trees and smaller, wooden buildings.

Jets and alien machines plummeted from some where in the sky, exploding in a blast of flame and shrapnel before they hit the ground. People ran everywhere -- those who were still alive -- trying to escape the city and the cold blade of Death.

In the sewers of the city there were hundreds of people trying to escape the city this way. The soldiers left alive were trying their best to direct the mob, resorting to shooting anyone who got violent. The only soldiers who weren't directing the movement were an elite group specialized in stealth assault and extraction. They were bending over a map of the city, hardly visible by the little light the fluorescent flares produced, contemplating their orders and how to carry them out.

The map showed the city with red lines tracing attack routes to a library. The library was softly sketched over with a drawing of some sort of space craft. Covering up half of the map was a pile of papers, haphazardly stacked up. The top paper looked highly official and it read:

To: The Assault and Extraction team
Subject: The destruction of alien transport

The following information is for AAE only. When orders are read destroy immediately.

There is an alien transport vehicle above the local library. The ship, according to reconnaissance, carried in an estimate of 220 soldiers, all carrying light plasma rifles and shock grenades. The ship itself contains very little firepower, but is heavily guarded. Your mission: Survive insertion and retrieve any vital information, then destroy the ship. Upon successful completion of the mission you will be debriefed and given new orders.

You will be inserted via a drop from one of our Apaches. The drop will take place above the library. While the drop is taking place, two more teams will enter the front and back of the library, securing the bottom floor. We expect you at the base at 0200 tomorrow.

We're counting on you.

An average looking man that held himself in such a way that is was as if he mocked himself spoke to the others, "He said destroy it, so what are we waiting for?" He looked at the other seven with a determined glare. "John, you even said that it should be easy, what's the problem?"

"Exactly that." Said a more heavyset man with a scarred face and dented dog-tags that read: Johnathan, XXXX. "It's too easy is the problem. A normal grunt could pull this off. I don't like it, there's something we're missing."

The group looked around uneasily. They had never gone into a mission that John had felt bad about. Then again, they've never attacked an alien transport. What was HQ thinking, sending in a stealth squad for a frontal attack? It was madness -- not that it couldn't be handled -- this was a grunts job, and should be carried out by a grunt.

"Well, there's eight of us, so I think we should team up like this; Tarry and Me drop in on the roof; Ben and Ron and Laura, you go in the back." John got a few looks at the last name, Laura didn't work very will with Ben, and everyone knew that. "And Hail, you are with James and Anne. Any questions?"

Besides a few disgruntled looks from Ben, who looked thoroughly disgusted, and Laura, nobody spoke or moved. The amount of people rushing by was beginning to lessen. It was almost quiet enough to hear the dripping from the sewage pipes, almost.



There was a loud rumbling coming from the engines of the Apache as it started up. Pilots and engineers rushed purposefully across the base, shouting orders to idle men. The base itself was made up of only a few tactical tents and two hangars. Inside the largest tent, situated at the center of the makeshift base, John and Tarry were being informed of all the new recon that had come in during the last two hours.

The inside of the tent was almost completely bare, with the exception of a weapon rack that had several alien weapons which were glowing radically. There was also a table lined with computers with satalite (what was left of them) connections. The radio was currently being flooded with explosions of noise, men shouting orders, the sounds of gun fire, and screaming.

There was very little new information. They had been able to get a head count of the amount of hostiles on the ground floor of the library. They counted twenty at least and thermal scanning didn't work because the aliens seemed to be cold blooded. The only other information they had was there were no guards on the roof at the time of surveillance--about two hours ago.

The information was still lacking, and they still had no clear idea why the aliens were holding that building specifically. There was nothing of importance, as far as anyone knew. It was just a simple public library. All it had were a bunch of books and video's, and maybe some old worn out computers. This must be what John was thinking because he spoke up.

"Isn't it possible that they could use the libraries resources to learn about our ships, planes, and weapons?"

Everybody elses eyes darkened, but they all had a sparkle of thought as they contemplated. One officer, a short, scrawny man, walked out of the tent suddenly.

"You might be onto something." Stated the general, as he turned to start giving out new orders. "I want two more squads to team up with the two groups of AAE storming the library." He turned back to John, his face set. "I want you to burn down the library before extraction. Do not let that transport transmit any information."

Saluting, John turned on his heel and leaft. once ouside of the tent he breaks into a run to the hangar. He had no time to waste, the alien threat could take the information and send it at any second.

Arriving at the hangar, he gets salutes and two soldiers walk up to him. They salute and tell him to follow. They walk to the back of the hangar to an equipment storage room. This room contained state-of-the-art weaponry and utilities. There were several empty racks, the sudden invasion and pressing war was slowly diminishing weaponry. One case had solid metal doors on it with the insignia of the AAE, specially made weapons and equipment not to be used by any other soldiers.

John pushed his hand onto a gel console, which molded itself perfectly to his hand. The gel was warm around his hand, causing his hand to sweat slightly. The gel released a blast, making his hand freeze, causing the pores on his hand to contract to get a more accurate scan. The "blast and scan", as it's called, lasts only a few seconds. This way of print scanning was unable to be fooled. It can even tell a dead hand from a living one, since dead skin doesn't contract or persperate.

YAY! someone else who writes while he's supposed to be paying attention. I wrote half of my first novel in school. Which makes you wonder how I managed to do so well in grade ten science. But oh well, on with the crit.

Okay, first I need to refer you to the dialogue grammar topic in the Writing Tips section. *shakes head* Someone your age should know by now.

I can tell that you're normally not a science fiction writer. Since originality in terms of story is hard to come by with stories involving aliens, I find that making it as much about the characters involved as the aliens, if not more about the characters, that makes a much better story. That's why a movie like Independence Day is so great. Yes, it's about aliens that want to destroy the planet, but it's also got character conflicts that existed before the invasion, and are important to the main conflict. The characters don't blend in either. We remember who they are. So making John just some average-looking guy is not a good idea. Using such boring names like John and Ben is not the best idea, either.

The other thing this lacks is dramatic tension. It needs action, a sense of real danger. Right now it seems just like a routine mission without much riding on it. There are two things that you should be able to answer and convey to us: What will happen if the mission goes wrong, and what is in their way?

Thanks for the reply. I had had more to it, but I seem to have lost it. It would have shown some team conflict before all of this. I don't like writing more realistic things, I prefer writing fantasy (as I stated) and making memorable characters in a "real" world is much more harder for me. I'm not sure if I like this story and I might just end up scrapping it anyway. Another reason for the bland names is because this was really just for me to let out an idea, which turned out I didn't like it very much.

Well, you tried it, and that's the point. Nothing ever has to come from it.

Personally I find stories that are set in places that are supposed not "real" more believable than the ones that are. With a fantasy setting or story-line it's already a heightened reality, which makes it that much easier to accept what happens. I like "realistic" teen novels, but have trouble believing them most of the time. Things hardly ever happen like they do in the real world. I mean, would you have accepted a character like Jack Sparrow and walking the plank so readily if it wasn't a story about a pirate ship full of ghosts?

Ha, it's lookin' purdy purdy good, even though it was written in math class and all. I'm just glad the team isn't attacked by hordes of vicious square root signs and and the dreaded quadratic equation.

But anyway, on to my critique:

The sounds of the dead and dying were everywhere.

Do dead things really make noises? It feels like a noun is missing, or something like that. Dead and dying... people? creatures? souls? broccoli? You could also reword it to say something along the lines of "The sounds of death was everywhere." But now I'm tearing that apart; I'm sorry! Do what you will.

The monolithic buildings of glass exploding from percussion.

First off, monolithic is an awesome word. All things considered, though, this is a confusing sentence--you mean to say the buildings themselves are made of glass? If so, then don't correct that part of it. Also, the sentence is a fragment. Unless you wish to keep it as such, change it to "The monolithic buildings of glass exploded from percussion." or "The monolithic buildings of glass were exploding from percussion." Lastly, are you sure you mean percussion? I think you're thinking of the word "concussion," actually, in which case you'd need to put something like "The monolithic buildings of glass were shattering from the concussion of explosions." Son of a pickle, I've digressed again.

fell on the body's

...should be "bodies".

plummeted from some where in the sky

I'd correct you that it should be "somewhere," but that feels like a weak word. How about removing it entirely? "Jets and alien machines plummeted from the sky" has more punch.

the cold blade of Death.

A vivid visual description, but the capitalization of "death" gives me the impression that everyone is running from an anorexic creature with a black blanket and a farming tool. I'd recommend having no caps.

escape the city this way

Saying "this way" is redundant; take it out.

who got violent

"Got" is a very weak work; how about "turned"?

hardly visible by the little light the fluorescent flares

Okay, now I'm getting picky. By all technical standards, I don't believe a "flare," which is usually light produced by flame, can be "fluorescent," which is usually light produced by making phosphorous glow with UV light. But hey, it's the future; take your pick.

The following information is for AAE only.

This information is for the Assault and Extraction team, right? Generally, the "and" in a group's name is left out in the acronym, so you should either have it the "AE," "AET" (in which case "team" probably should be capitalized), or change team to squad, force, or another name. Assault and Extraction Force? AEF! Or, if you really really want to, it could be the Extraction and Assault Team, for "EAT." So I haven't had lunch today.

Your mission: Survive insertion

No cap on "survive."

successful completion of the mission you will be

Add comma after "mission."

The drop will take place above the library.

Don't the aliens already hold the airspace directly about the library?

"Exactly that." Said a more heavyset man

Should read, "Exactly that," said a more heavyset man".

was a grunts job, and should be carried out by a grunt.

"was a grunt's job, meant to be carried out by a grunt."

Tarry and Me drop in on the roof;

The norm, for what I've seen, to spell "Tarry" is "Terry," but that's your choice. Yet unless the people became so cruel from the alien attacks that they started naming their children after antecedents, "Me" should not be capitalized. In fact, in context it should be "I," which should be capitalized.

John got a few looks at the last name, Laura didn't work very will with Ben,

"John received a few looks of dismay at Laura's name; she didn't work very well with Ben,"

Besides a few disgruntled looks from Ben, who looked thoroughly disgusted, and Laura,

"Besides a few digruntled and digusted looks from Ben and Laura,"

It was almost quiet enough to hear the dripping from the sewage pipes, almost.

The inside of the tent was almost completely bare

Almost? Are we absolutely sure of this? I'd remove every almost except the very first one in the first sentence, and perhaps change it to "nearly."

There was also a table lined with computers with satalite (what was left of them) connections

Correct "satellite," and take out "(what was left of them)". We've long since determined that everything is in a haphazard state of partial destruction; let the imagination take this idea by itself.

because the aliens seemed to be cold blooded

Correct "cold-blooded." And, as much as I hate to tell you this, cold-blooded creatures can still be seen with thermal technology. (I seriously don't know this all off the top of my head; I simply do a quick research.) To remedy this issue, you can simply say that the aliens have some kind of technology or brain wave pattern or voodoo magic that renders such technology useless.

All it had were a bunch of books and video's, and maybe some worn out computers.

"All it had was a bunch of books and videos, and possibly some worn-out computers."

"Isn't it possible that they could use the libraries resources to learn about our ships, planes, and weapons?"

Ha! I just had a silly thought; "be careful who you're talking to online--they may be an alien!!" Sorry, I just saw a picture in my mind of your aliens surfing the web, and oh, did my imagination run with it. Don't worry, that's not a problem--though the spelling of "library's" is.

Everybody elses eyes darkened,

"Everyone else's eyes darkened,"

"You might be onto something." Stated the general,

"You might be on to something," stated the general,"

The rule of thumb when writing dialogue is that if the tag line ("stated the general") comes immediately after the character's dialogue, you end the character's dialogue not with a period but with a comma. Also, you don't capitalize the tag; just remember, it's still one sentence, and you don't put periods or unwarranted capitalizations in the middle of one sentence.

Saluting, John turned on his heel and leaft.

Now, I'm no military man, but isn't there a specific term that means "turned on his heel"? I think it's "made an about-face," but don't change it to that on my account. If nothing else, turn it to "John pivoted away." Spelling of "left" needs fixin', too.

He had no time to waste, the alien threat could take the information

"He had no time to waste; the alien threat"

once ouside of the tent he breaks into a run to the hangar.

"Once outside the tend, he broke into a run to the hangar."

Arriving at the hangar, he gets salutes and two soldiers walk up to him.

There's that change of tense of which you spoke. It should be "Once he arrived, he received salutes and two soldiers walked up to him."

They salute and tell him to follow. They walk to the back of the hangar to an equipment storage room.

"They saluted and told him to follow, leading him to the back of a hangar into an equipment storage room."

There were several empty racks, the sudden invasion

Change comma to semi-colon.

with the insignia of the AAE

Make certain that any changes you make earlier in the tale is reflected here.

specially made weapons

"specially-made weapons"

The gel was warm around his hand, causing his hand to sweat slightly. The gel released a blast, making his hand freeze, causing the pores on his hand to contract to get a more accurate scan. The "blast and scan", as it's called, lasts only a few seconds.

"The gel was warm around his hand, causing his hand to sweat lightly. The gel released a blast of ice, causing his pores to contract. The "blast and scan," as it was called, lasted only for a few seconds."

...And that's all you have, so that's all I have!

Ways to improve:

Better integrate the characters' descriptions.
Avoid use of words like "got," "just," and "there," Basically, filler words.

You did well! Seriously. I could easily visualize the scenes you portrayed, and I was kept interested until the end. At times, the story did seem a little overdone (eg. other people have done it before), but that's really not much of an issue. Simply work on finding better words throughout the story, and you should be good! I've made a reference to a younger writer earlier on this forum, and I'll say it to you too--your style of writing reminds me of myself when I was about your age (which is only two years' difference, imagine!). Keep up the work! I'll have to keep watch for coming installments.

~Tarver