Young Writers Society

Odd how a tag like (Warning: Graphic Imagery) got my attention... Ah well. I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon repetition on my part.

The taste of blood in her mouth terrified her and, though she knew that the blood only came from a couple pulled teeth, in another hour it would come from the rest of her body.

I think 'although' would make this flow better than 'though', and I would consider ditching the comma after 'and'.

Wires had been attached to her wrists, her fingers, her toes, her spine, her shoulders, her knees, her mouth, her nostrils, her nipples, her clitoris, her brain, her liver, her heart, and five feet away the computer beeped happily, analyzing the data.

I'd say you should ditch all the 'her's. Without them, you can blast through so much quicker, where with them, you kind of fumble now and again.

They had designed it like that on purpose, she remembered, though the memory seemed fuzzy, as if she had heard it from a scratched record rather than from Dr. Montgomery’s lips. Dr. Montgomery’s lips. She smiled involuntarily.

Start a new paragraph with the second sentence, the one that repeats "Dr. Montgomery's lips." When it's in the same paragraph, it feels too much like bad repetition, but when it stands at the front of its own paragraph, it feels like the skillful kind.

A robotic arm swung over and immediately put an oxygen mask on.

This phrasing implies that the robotic arm is putting the oxygen mask on itself. Maybe something like....
'A robotic arm swung over and immediately pressed an oxygen mask to her face.'
Or something similar.

And with that, he sliced her open.
She saw everything. They sliced her open, making sure to peel off her skin back, and she saw them open up her ribcage.

I'm not liking the repetition of "sliced her open". Also get rid of 'off' in the second sentence.

And with that, he put the lung on the cart and wheeled it out. The technical operators followed him out.

Watch out for repetition of 'out'. You ended both sentinces with it.

Alright, other then those little things, I thought this was great! A breath of fresh air in the act of reviewing. I loved it. Very creepy, graphic (as you promised), and an overal great experience. Thanks for writing.

What a cool story! I really like this!

There were a few things that bothered me (I'm not talking grammar, of course!)

At the very beginning, it seems very disjointed, and it doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the story. I just got a little bit turned around before I could get into the story (which is otherwise very well-paced).

I did read that someone else was confused about her being awake the whole time, and this also tangled me up a little bit. It seems unreasonable not to put her under a general anesthetic, and even more unreasonable not to use some sort of local painkillers (neither of which would impact the quality of the organs). I don't think the story would suffer if she were put under for the procedure and woke up to reflect upon her predicament (wonder what they'd taken, and so on).

Another thing, which is just a problem in terminology, is the idea that you would place an organ meant to be transplanted on a cart, rather than in an refrigerated container (which is not only more sterile, but also more practical as organs become unusable extremely quickly when subjected to room temperature).

Did I read correctly about the removal of the lung? She was given no artificial replacement? A single lung is not going to be able to supply as much oxygen as the pair together (haha obviously), and I would think that the doctors would be concerned about oxygen debt damaging her other organs, especially when her respiration rate is already so high.

Also, it bothered me a little that the problems she was describing in other people (blind people, asthma, etc) seemed a little trivial to give your life for. There are treatments for some of these ailments, and her devotion to what she sees as he cause seems a little misplaced to me. Perhaps you were intending to make it seem surreal?

In all honesty, though, this is a great horror story. I love your concept! Nice work!!!

Thanks for the replies! I'm looking to revise this, so it's really helpful!

>> Jelly! I have told you how much I love you, haven't I? I'll see what I can do to add on even a little background information! It won't be a lot... just enough, I think. I kind of like the detached feeling, lol. But we'll see!

>> Thanks for the nit picks, Mike! I'll see how I can rewrite those confusing parts!

>> Shepherd, thanks for reiterating that point! That point has bugged me for several months now, so hopefully in the rewrite, that will be covered. I think I'm going to change it so that it she is numbed up, to an extent, but she can still feel some of it. In my surgery that I had, somewhat after this was written, I was awake during all of it, but the surgeon only numbed the localized area and, when she did her first cut, it wasn't completely numb, so it hurt and she had to redo the anesthetic. So maybe a localized numbness would be good to start with, seeing as she hasn't gone through the really major surgery... just the tiny surgery. And then it started really hurting when it lost the numbness, soooo... yeah. That could be a possibility! So thanks!

I really like this. I'm a big fan of creepy stories. You are magnificent with descriptions, the image of the room was so vivid. Even with the descriptions, there is enough space for the reader's imagination to pull him or her further into the story. I had to read each sentence at least twice, I loved it so much.

One note I have is that the repetition of the word "face" in these two sentences is very close together, so it somewhat bothered me.

She remembered his face clearly. He had a round face, almost like a baby’s, and he had two crooked front teeth.

Dr. Montgomery leaned forward and stroked her hair with his latex fingers. “Everybody’s scared when they first start out,” he said kindly. “But you’re helping out many people. Those teeth, they will go to someone who really needs them, whose gum disease is so bad that he can’t even wear dentures. You’re saving his life, you understand?”

Ugh, I got shivers. (In a good way)

The part about her eyes is my favorite part. If you'd like to, I think you should expand on this. You're very talented.