You might be familiar with this piece since I've posted it on this site before, but after a few months of hard thinking. The final re-write of the first draft has taken flight and won't stop (I promise). So please, if you would be so kind, critique and rip this to shreds. Thank-you 
I'll try to return the favor as quickly as humanly possible. 
People say when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. That’s a lie. All I could see were the small bubbles of air escaping from my lips and drifting up to the surface of the ocean. Fear overwhelmed me and I fought wildly against the water that was stealing my life from me. Darkness gained control of my vision and my lungs convulsed painfully. The small remains of life slipped through my loose hold like smoke.
My memories consumed me. I could remember everything; from the moment that I was born to the moment I died. I could feel everything as well, my emotions unbearably vivid and overpowering. All my love and joy clashed brutally against my sorrow, anger and fear, which made me scream and writher in agony. It was worse that the most morbid torture one could endure. I was powerless against it, unable to make it stop. It was like having your life compressed into one memory. Slowly, it faded away. I was left weak and disoriented.
A flat, emotionless voice blasted through my aching head, making me wince. “F58 has awoken. M.E is complete.”
Who is that? Where am I? What am I doing? I thought sluggishly. I wanted desperately to open my eyes and see who was talking, but they felt glued shut. My whole body burned and ached. Something was wrong. I had just drowned. I was dead; but that was impossible.
“And? What’s F58’s status?” snapped another voice, their tone implying great annoyance.
“79% possibility of containing information,” replied the monotonous voice.
I forced my eyes open, but quickly squeezed them back shut. The light was blinding and painful, seeming to burn my eyes. I took a deep, ragged breath and murmured,” What’re you talking about?” My mouth was dry and my throat parched. Pain shot through my head and down my spine, enabling me to move. My thoughts returned to their chaotic state.
“Should I get the M.W ready?” growled the annoyed person. “Hurry up, before F58 wakes up completely.”
“No, F58 can join the other Dreamers.”
I forced my eyes open, the light not as blinding as it had been previously. Everything was white and my eyes wouldn’t focus. Slowly, I turned my head to one side and something soft and dark covered my eyes, returning me to the darkness. Determined to not let whoever was with me get the best of me, I whispered,” What’s going on? Who are you? What are you talking about?”
“Damn it! Before F58 wakes up, give me the normal rundown! I don’t want another N02 episode to happen.”
“Yes, sir. F58’s name is Jacqueline Birstmor, female, fifteen years old, born in 1994-”
“What’s going on?” I said clearly, my head finally clear. I was positive that I was dead, so whatever was going on at the moment was impossible. In one fluid motion, I ripped the cloth that was covering my eyes off and sat up, my eyes settling on something that made me regret ever having opened them. My throat closed up in terror, not allowing me to scream.
There was some sort of deformed human next to me. It had skin so translucent that I could see its veins clearly beneath, as if they were blue lines drawn on paper. It had no hair, just smooth unwrinkled skin. Bones jutted out of it’s face awkwardly, skin stretched so tautly that I thought it was going to tear. It had no nose or ears, just small barely noticeable holes for ears and nostrils.
The most horrifying features were it’s eyes and mouth. It’s eyes could barely be seen as they had sunk so deep into their sockets and were so white that they seemed to glow, with pinpricks of black pupils. Tiny, thread-like streams of red flowed down its face, as if it were crying tears of blood. Never did it drip from the creatures jutting chin though, only vanish at the tip. Its mouth seemed to be sewn shut with thick, black cable that crisscrossed over it.
I began to shake so horribly that I could barely sit up. My breaths came in short gasps, making darkness edge into my vision. I kicked out with my feet, which caught on bed sheets and forced me backwards until I hit a wall. The wrong feeling that I had felt before was nothing compared to what I felt then.
“This is exactly what I didn’t want happening. G76, deal with her,” said someone on my other side. I wanted to look, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the creature. Footsteps sounded and then vanished. Whoever else had been in the room left. Me and the creature stared at each other. Eventually, I felt my racing heart begin to slow. Terrifying as it might look, it didn’t seem to want to harm me in anyway.
“What is F58’s name?”
I dug my nails into my palms painfully. “A-are you referring to me?” I was proud that my voice barely shook.
“Yes.”
I tried to stop trembling. “Why do you call me F58? And you already know my name, I heard you tell someone else. Where am I? Am I dead? What are you? What the hell is happen-” My voice got higher and higher until I was yelling. The creature cut me off.
“F58 was born in Ward F and is the 58th child, therefore, F58 is called F58. F58 is in the Dream Lab, Ward F, room 58. F58 is not dead. G76 is human.”
This isn’t happening. Was I abducted my aliens? I thought in panic. Blood started to drip from my clenched fists and onto the pure white bed sheets.
“What is F58’s name?”
I didn’t want to answer, but something forced my mouth to form words. “Jacqueline Birstmor.”
“Year of birth?”
“1994.”
“Age?”
“Fifteen.”
“What continent, country and city is F58 from?”
I bit my tongue, trying to force myself to not talk. “North America, Canada, Calgary. I’ve been living in St. Johns with my uncle for two years.”
“How did F58 wake up?”
Now I wasn’t able to answer because I had no idea what the creature was talking about. Seeing my baffled expression the creature said,” G76 seems to have phrased that question incorrectly. F58 is a new Dreamer. How did F58 die?”
I swear my heart stopped when the word “die” emerged from the creature. The shock that I should have been feeling previously started to kick in. My head started spinning, my stomach churn and my heart throb. The one thing that I had told myself was impossible, and feared the most, was true. I was dead. I didn’t want to accept it, I wanted it to just be a lie. My mind rejected the words instantly. I wasn’t a religious person, but I had always thought there was some sort of heaven or hell that one would go to after death. I had been proven wrong.
Even though my brain was frozen in shock, I whispered unconsciously,” I drowned.”
“How did F58 drown?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to think about it. More blood flowed from my hands.
“My uncle got into a fight with my parents so I ran out of the house during a storm. I slipped and fell into the river, which had swelled up to twice its size from the rain.”
I noticed a white, sliding door behind the creature that could be easily mistaken for a wall. I can escape if I’m fast enough! I thought with hope. I just have to get around this creature. I decided to ask a couple more questions to stall for time while I prepared myself to make my run for it.
“Am I really dead? I mean, if I’m dead, how am I here? You jut asked me how I died, but before, you said that I wasn’t really dead. It doesn’t make sense,” I said quickly, edging slowly towards the edge of the table that I was on.
“F58 is not dead. F58 experienced death within the Dream, of which F58 has woken from.”
“What’s the Dream?”
“G76 is not permitted to give out information about the Dream.”
I held back a scowl and asked,” Before, you referred to me as a Dreamer. What’s a Dreamer then?”
“A human who has undergone the Dream.”
Now! I screamed to myself. I threw myself off the bed and raced towards the door, but in one lightning face motion, the creature injected a needle into my arm and I crashed to the ice cold floor. I tried to break my fall with my elbow, which hit the floor with all my weight and pain danced up my arm. Cursing, I desperately tried to crawl towards the door, but my body wouldn’t respond to me, like it were made from lead. The last thing I saw before my vision faded away into darkness was a bloody smear from my elbow on the pure white floor.
*** Note - Remember that this is just a first draft so suggestions on ANYTHING would be highly appreciated. Thank-you again!
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