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The Messengers: a blip from the middle



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Tue Jan 05, 2010 11:33 pm
cjscoot says...



I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I need to let you know: this is a blip from the middle of my book. I decided to write it from the middle to the end and then go back and do the begining. So if some things don't make sense, that's why. Along with the review, I'd just like to know: If this were an actual book at Barnes & Nobles or Border's, would you read it? Thanks!
---
As I pull up to the house, Bekah switches off the radio, and looks into my eyes. She seems scared; meeting my family for the first time. I’m a little freaked out too; no other girl has met Mom and Dad. I reach for her hand and reassuringly squeeze it.
The dark shadows emerging from the setting sun make it even more obvious that there’s no one home.
“Aaron, wasn’t I supposed to be meeting your family? Not just an empty house?” she whispers.
“They’re probably just getting something from the grocery store.” I say, though I’m not sure. Why would they all have to go at once?
I open the door for her, and she smiles. I wouldn’t be using such common courtesy if she weren’t the one standing there. Inside, there is no smell of Italian food being cooked, no hearty laughter resounding through the house. I turn on lights as we move through the house, Bekah looking at the décor and old family photos.
When we get to the kitchen, she finds a quickly scribbled note on the counter.
“’Aaron,” she quotes, “Forgot Cara’s parent teacher night. Order pizza. Back at eight. Can’t wait to meet her!’”
Reaching for the twenty dollars underneath the note, I pull out my cell phone and start to dial the nearest Domino’s.
“What kind do you want?” I ask her.
“Cheese, and olives,” she replies, smiling.
We have about a half hour before the pizza gets here, so Bekah and I sit at the huge, brown table and just talk. Immediately all my worries melt away; forgetting about the recent news with the world-wide virus. She tells me about her swimming; how she feels underwater. Her hair is still dripping a little, so I get her a towel from the bathroom closet.
When the doorbell rings, I’m so out of it that I hardly realize it’s my job to get the pizza. But Bekah stands up, grabs the money and flashes me a smile as she heads for the door.

When we finish our pizza it’s only six o’clock, and I have no idea what to do. I had originally though this night would nervousness and stressing out to help Bekah make the right impression on my parents. So when she suggests a house tour, I’m all up to it.
She’s already seen most of the lower level, so I take her upstairs. The first door belongs to Mom and Dad, so I quickly open the door to give her a glance inside. The room is painted a moss green, with brown accents and a huge king-sized bed.
Down the hall is Cara’s bedroom. There’s a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door, so we won’t be going in there. Instead, I lead her into my room.
My walls are white except for a thick, dark blue stripe around the room. The bed is in the center of the room, the headboard barely touching the wall. There are two windows, each on either side of the wall the bed is pressed to. There’s a shelf on one wall filled with trophies. Bekah walks over to it.
“Nice collection,” She says, picking one up. “But most of these aren’t even for sports. Really Aaron, a spelling bee trophy? Who did you steal these from?”
Laughing, I walk over to her. “I’m a word wiz, alright? Hey, I’ve never failed a spelling test in my life.”
“Yeah, right. Can you spell Tyrannosaurus?”
“Yes, I can, just not right now. Maybe some other time.”
“Chicken.” She replaces the trophy, moving to sit on the bed.
I saunter over, lifting her small frame in my arms. “Yes, farmer?” I say in a haughty voice, “Would you mind taking this chicken to live with the others? Wait, she’s not a chicken? But, farmer, she just called me a chicken. Doesn’t that make her a chicken? No?”
Laughing, she pushes me lightly. “Put me down! I’m not a chicken and neither are you!” she says, squealing. I sit down on the bed, Bekah still in my arms.
“Aaron,” she whispers, serious now. “You’re parents are gone,”
“Yes, they are,”
“And we’re alone,” she continues, stating the obvious.
I’m still not getting it. Yes, my parents are gone. Yes, we’re alone. What does she want? Then she put a tender hand on the side of my face, and looks directly into my eyes. Only then do I understand.
Of course I’m willing to comply. After weeks of barely touching her, weeks of only holding her hand, of course I’m willing.
“Bekah,” I whisper. I’m finally good enough. After being hurt so many times, she finally trusts me.
I lean my head toward hers, till we’re almost touching. Angling my face in exactly the right way, I press my lips to hers. Her hand moves up through my hair, the other on the nape of my neck. My mouth parts slightly, as does hers. And for a split second, I’m in totally bliss. She’s not just a random girl I picked up at a party, not someone I hardly know about. She’s Bekah, and that’s all that matters.
Then the bliss is gone. A huge bang! echoes throughout the house, as if a rocket were taking off. Bekah jumps up, ending the moment. She runs to the window, and I follow her. What is going on? Looking out the window, I immediately get my answer. A huge, round blimp is hovering in the air two miles from the house. It’s not taking off, however, as I originally thought. It’s landing. A closer look reveals it’s not made of polyester, but metal. It’s not a blimp at all. It’s a spaceship. And in the middle of its surface is a picture. A picture of the virus.
"You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me." Ian O'Shea, The Host.
Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeding the 20th.
Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail.
  





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Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:33 pm
S.S. Rose says...



Hello cjscoot. Nice to get a taste of your prose. All in all, pretty good. It got my attention. Would I by it from B&N? Probably not. Not if this was all I read of it. Give me more of the mysterious deadly virus and less of the sappy teenage romance. There were a couple of instances where your grammar was iffy. For example:

“Aaron,” she whispers, serious now. “You’re parents are gone,”
“Yes, they are,”


I would put periods whenever a certain person stops speaking.

Also, some of your adjectives could be spicier. Could you tell me about something other than a "huge, round" blimp? Of course the blimp is huge and round, but what else?

I lean my head toward hers, till we’re almost touching. Angling my face in exactly the right way, I press my lips to hers. Her hand moves up through my hair, the other on the nape of my neck. My mouth parts slightly, as does hers. And for a split second, I’m in totally bliss. She’s not just a random girl I picked up at a party, not someone I hardly know about. She’s Bekah, and that’s all that matters.


This is good, I suppose. But again, make your descriptions more original. Tantalize the reader and connect with their sensuality. Don't give them blah.

So do I want to read more? Of course. But make some changes first. Make it yours, and make it original.

I wish you the best of luck!

Sincerely,

S.S. Rose
"Hand in hand, the letters cross the room, whirl around the bed, sweep past the window, wriggle across the wall, swoop to the door, and return to begin again."

~Jean-Dominique Bauby
  





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Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:06 am
BenFranks says...



I agree with the changes S. S. Rose has said about grammar, but I personally think you should keep the Sappy teenage romance because it hinders a strong point of your writing. However, aswell as changing the prose grmmatically as Rose has suggested, I think you should cut down on your use of the word, 'so'. It's all I really picked up, that in the paragraphs that follow the ordering of the pizza you seem to (maybe only twice or three times) use the word so and it just doesn't feel right. Perhaps replace it with a 'then' or some other alternative?
Otherwise, I loved it! I'd probably consider buying this book for the sappy romance and the hint of Sci-Fi, but first I'd like to read more assosciating with this "virus".

Brilliant! :)
Keep up the great work and Best'a luck!
Ben.
  





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Thu Jan 07, 2010 9:07 pm
narniafreak12 says...



Hi! Hope I help.

First, like you did with Chapter One I suggest putting at the top, Aaron, to indicate who's view it's in.

“They’re probably just getting something from the grocery store.” I say, though I’m not sure. Why would they all have to go at once?

I think you should put his thoughts in italics

Reaching for the twenty dollars underneath the note, I pull out my cell phone and start to dial the nearest Domino’s.

Alright I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t have a pizza place’s number memorized. Instead I’d have maybe an ad from the paper out with coupons or something to get the number from. That just seems more realistic than Aaron knowing the exact number.

I had originally though this night would nervousness and stressing out to help Bekah make the right impression on my parents

I think you forgot a couple words. Should it be “I had originally thought this night would be filled with nervousness and stressing out...”

There’s a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door, so we won’t be going in there. Instead, I lead her into my room.

Actually, I think a brother would care if his sister had a sign on a door or not. He’d probably just walk in, especially since she’s not home.

The bed is in the center of the room, the headboard barely touching the wall. There are two windows, each on either side of the wall the bed is pressed to

I’m just a little confused on this description. If his bed is in the middle, and the windows are pressed into the bed, how big is his room? And what other furniture is in there? Just a shelf?

I’m still not getting it. Yes, my parents are gone. Yes, we’re alone. What does she want?

Now,I’m not trying to say anything against guys or anything, but I think he would get it. He’d be the one to be more likely to think of it first. But maybe not, if he’s not that kind of guy. But majority would.

A huge bang! echoes throughout the house, as if a rocket were taking off

You don’t need an exclamation point after bang, just put bang in italics. Also, would a normal person really know the exact sound of a rocket taking off? Maybe use a different metaphor.

Okay, keep writing, but I suggest that when posting more do it in order so reader's understand what's going on. I would also like to hear more about the virus and the main plotline of the story. Also, why the title is messengers, because so far I've found no evidence of that explantion. =]

-Narniafreak!
  





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Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:39 pm
BenFranks says...



narniafreak12 wrote: Also, would a normal person really know the exact sound of a rocket taking off? Maybe use a different metaphor.


I don't mean to be picky... but I think you mean a simile because he is comparing the sound to something as opposed to saying it was something.

For example:
A metaphor might be: The houses were perched birds ready to strike.
And a simile is like follows: The houses stood as if they were birds ready to strike.
or: The houses stood like birds ready to strike.
  





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Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:10 am
Wang Chung says...



Interesting, but I must say it's a little odd, especially for a "blip" from the middle of a book. It almost seems as though you should have placed this in the Romantic Fiction forum, especially since you only mention this "virus" once. And it's in such an offhand way that it really doesn't seem to be a big deal. More of an afterthought, really.

It makes me wonder what the first half of your book has been about, if the virus is still only a meager problem. I do enjoy your writing style, however. Simple and effective, without being choppy or boring.

That's my two cents. Do with it what you will. Good day, and keep up the writing and all that.
  








I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
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