Young Writers Society

There was a light through the darkness.
One light, a tiny speck of hope that expanded into a column, which grew into a door. A person stepped into it, casting their shadow, inky black against the blinding color.
Deep within the black stone pit, Lillian stirred, squinting up at the unfamiliar brightness. Her sore limbs, stiff from laying still for so long, creaked and groaned as she got to her knees.

“Who’s there?” she cried out, her voice thin and treble.
“That is not for you to know or ask. You are only to obey what I tell you.”

It was a man’s voice. Lillian shivered involuntarily, her frail body weak with cold, and hunger.
He tossed down a bundle. It landed with a soft ‘thwop’ beside her.

“Put these on.”

Lillian did as she was told, dawning the soft gray tunic and leggings. They were warm, and through her suspicions, she was grateful.
The man bent down, and she heard a metallic banging. A latter unfurled.

“Now come,” the man said, “and don’t try anything.”

Wondering what she was expected to have tried, Lillian acceded up to the platform. Her summoner was in his mid-fifties, his hair liberally streaked with gray. His face was lined, his brows thick, and he was wearing an official guard uniform.
There was a weapon, a aerodynamic rifle, strapped into his belt. His hand strayed to it as he
watched her.

“Where are we going?”
“You have been ordered to appear before the High Priestess.”

Lillian frowned. This didn’t bode well. The High Priestess was a cruel, merciless dictator, using the church’s power to fuel her own well-being.
Lillian had been arrested leading a mission against her, six months ago.
However, she complied, allowing herself to be led down the corridors, and up several flights of stairs. She kept an eye out for possible escape routes, by habit more than conscious thought.

The High Priestess's throne room was a cold, empty rectangle. The symbol of the church, a sword piercing the heart of a deer, was intricately embroidered onto a large tapestry, hung on the wall behind the throne, on which she sat.

“Leave us.” she said to Lillian’s guard, who complied instantly, shutting the door with a resonating ‘shud.’
“Come.” she said to Lillian, her voice as cold and hollow as the chamber.

Lillian stood before her, studying her appearance. She was sitting strait in her chair, her dress black with long sleeves, and a low neckline. Her cheekbones were high, and her eyes were steely gray. Her hair was a mixture of pale blond, and white, and she appeared to be in her mid-sixties. She looked proud, and imperious.
“So... I speak to you at last, Lillian Brighten of the Rebel resistance force; code name: Rosette squad nine, mission fifteen.”

Lillian gasped. How did this woman know the details? Had one of her fellows told? Given in to the torture they had all been submitted to?

“Who else do you have?” Lillian whispered, her voice echoing.

The High Priestess gave an icy smile. It was an evil thing, there was no joy in it at all, only spite. “Lucille. Teth. Adam, Markle, Starla, Jofi... Asher.” She listed off their code names.

Lillian felt dizzy. Asher! If she had him, their mission had been a failure. It had been his job to relay the information they gathered back to the Rebel base. Her knees dissolved, and she sunk to the floor.

“What do you want from me?” she asked, looking up at the Priestess with loathing, more than actual fear.

“I want the name of the president. The Rebel president. The one in charge of it all.”

“But that’s me! Of course, and you know that!”

The Priestess shook her head.

“No. You’re just in charge of squad nine. I want to know who’s behind everything. Who is organizing it all?”

“Doreth.” said Lillian, stating the code name of her leader, which was common knowledge among the general public. Maybe, if she pretended to be stupid, the Priestess would give up.

Instead, the priestess pushed a little button on the side of her chair. The guard reentered abruptly.

“Take her back to her cell, and interrogate her further....” Seemingly as an afterthought, she added, “But make sure, when you’re done, she still has the ability to speak...”

Lillian was marched from the room. Frail as she was, she had no intention of going back to her cell. The doors were guarded only by two officers, that plus her own, it would be three against one.
She had fought her way out of worse.
Of course, that was when she was stronger, before being locked in a dark cell for six months, surviving on next to nothing.
What was there left to lose, she thought, thinking of Asher.

They were drawing nearer to the doors. They were glass, and she could see landscape behind them, taunting her.
Without another thought, Lillian elbowed the guard hard in the stomach. He folded, stunned, and fumbled for his weapon, but by that time, Lillian was at the door. She tripped one guard, then the next, and was through the doors before they had time to untangle themselves. However, it was an inevitability that they would eventually get up, and make chase.
She ran as fast as she could, skipping across the ground. She risked a glance over her shoulder, and saw a guard , alarmingly close behind her, rifle cocked.

A bullet of some type whizzed past her ear. Lillian heard another shot, then a bright pain erupted in her back. She reached around, and pulled out a drugged dart.

Figures, she thought. They want me alive.

Even as she felt the effects of the tranquilizer seep through her, Lillian kept running. There was a canal ahead of her, and maybe... Just maybe, if she could get to it....

By some stroke of luck, she reached it. A boat was approaching at high speed, an open-topped speeder powered by a small electric motor, and an orange sail.
Without thinking, Lillian hurled herself over the railing, for a single terrifying second, she thought she was going to miss, before she landed heavily in the schooner, making it rock.
As the canal curved around a bend, she saw the palace disappear from sight.

She heard a voice, sounding as if it were coming from underwater. It was a man’s voice, with a rough, heavy Italian accent.

“What the Hell do you think you’re doing on my boat?”
“I will pay you... in full...” Lillian gasped. “Two million lira.”

Then, entrusting her fate to an angered fishermen, she slipped under.





To be continued..... lol


Instead of doing what I am doing with Koani and the bandits, I think I'll just post the rest here. Be harsh, please, critiques! Its a work in progress, lol.

By the way, its pg-13 because I'm not sure what will come of it.

I thought that this story was pretty interesting. I like your descriptions of the high priestess, and you do a good job of conveying the rebel movement against this lady. It'll be neat to see how this all unfolds.

I did have some problems with sentence structure here and there; just that it was awkward to read. For instance:
"Deep within the black stone pit, Lillian stirred, squinting up at the unfamiliar brightness"
As it stands, you're saying that "stirred," a verb, is squinting. You want to move that last clause to right after Lillian.

"It had been his job to relay the information they gathered back to the Rebel base."
Here you're using passive tense, which is alright, but changing "had been" to "was" gives it extra emphasis.

Overall, pretty good.

Thanks!

I actually don't really know what you mean on the first part. Sorry, but would you mind explaining?

Which part? If you mean the part about squinting...
""Deep within the black stone pit, Lillian stirred, squinting up at the unfamiliar brightness" "
You have two clauses here. One ends at stirred, and the other one starts after that. But, as it stands, you're saying that "stirred" is squinting, which makes no sense at all. So you want the sentence to read like:
"Deep within the black stone pit, Lillian, squinting up at the unfamiliar brightness, stirred."
The first one is readable, but it's awkward, although I'm sure most people won't even notice. But just remember it's good writing to make sure that what you are describing is immediately followed by the description. Delaying the description until further into the sentence makes it difficult to read.

Hope that helps more.

I feel as if this should be in the 'Other Fiction' section as this did not seem to be set in the future and there isn't anything sci-fi about it. Sorry.

But I did like it in someway. The main problem is about Lillian's escape, I believe it happened too quickly and you should have had more detail to it. How was it possible for her to escape so quickly when she had been in a cell for six months or more with not much to eat.

her voice thin and treble. -- Treble? Did you mean it was echoing or did you mean trembling?

"Now come," the man said, "and don’t try anything." -- The correct way to write this is:
"Now come," the man said. "And don't try anything."

High Priestess's thrown room... the wall behind the thrown -- Throne is the right word here.

She was sitting strait in her chair, her dress black, with long sleeves, and a low neckline -- Too many commas for my liking, how about "She was sitting straight in her chair and the black dress she wore had long sleeves and a low neckline"?

Brian- Thank you for explaining, I'll fix that.

Niobe- Treble means high and smooth. I fixed the rest, though. THANKS!

Sorry I was thinking of a different word.

Edit: You're welcome.

Good... um... made me want to write...

So... I'll critique this later and write instead, eh?

But it reminds me of FREAK! A sci fi that isn't a sci fi! *huggles*

Lillian was in a familiar scene, at a demonstration on the steps of a temple in Sienna. It was packed with people, and she, Starla, Jofi and Asher were negotiating their way to the front, in order to address the public.

“Do you have contacts in?” Lillian whispered, anxiously. Contacts prevented the police from learning their identities. If , somehow, they were caught on film, their eyes would be blurred sand distorted.
Lillian heard three affirmatives, and continued foreword.

“You stay there,” she said to Starla and Jofi, once at the foot ot the temple.

Asher and she hurriedly ascended the steps, thankful to be out of the crowd. She took her place, standing tall next to a particularly gruesome interpretation of the churches symbol. Asher handed her the little device, designed to be heard, but not recorded. It operated at such a high frequency that it was next to impossible to get on tape.
“People of Sienna,” Lillian said, her voice reverberating inside the temple’s hollow walls, “I would like you to imagine, just for a moment, what you would do if it wasn’t against the rules of the church. What religion would you pursue? Is this the way you want it to be for your children?”

There was a silence, then an old woman said, softly but audibly, “I don’t have children anymore.”

There was another outbreak of voices.

Lillian spoke out again. “The globe has been dictated by a single woman since the dawn of the twenty-second century. It is two hundred years later, and that's two hundred years too many. Its time for this to stop, and we can’t do it with out your help.”

She scanned the crowd. Usually, she could tell by looking who was and wasn’t supporting her cause, and this group seemed pretty positive.
Before she could continue, however, a rough voice in polished Italian spoke out.

“Get down,” he said. “Get down, and get away from here, before I arrest you.”

Lillian glanced at Asher.

“Do we go?” she mouthed.
Asher gave the tiniest shake of his head. It was enough.

“People of Sienna,” Lillian said again, “This can’t go on. We need to be free. We need to fight back. We need to-”
“Get down, at once!” The officer said, taking a few steps closer.

Again, Lillian turned to Asher.

“Okay, Rosette. We can go now,” he said, using her code name.

At that moment, the officer threw a stone. It was small, not large enough to kill, but it hit Asher with such force that he stumbled, and fell off the podium. He landed heavily, and lay still.

“Asher!” Lillian screamed. “ASHER!”

And screaming, she woke up.







Snoink: Thanks! Yay! Horray for almost-si-fi! (You gave me the idea, btw. I'm not coppying, though... I promise )

yah... I love this... I love all your stories. Misspellings included .
Lillian seems like a really cool character. And the plot is exciting. You are brilliant.

I think I'll be the one to point out the mispellings.

negotiating their way to the front -- I don't think 'negotiating' is the right word here, how about 'making' or anything else you might want to use.

blurred sand distorted -- Blurred and distorted.

foreword -- Forward.

what you would do if it wasn't against against the church -- I'm a little confused here, what do you mean by this sentance?

two hundred years two many. Its time for this to stop, and we can't do it with out your help -- 'Too' and 'without' are the correct words.

Lillian glanced to Asher -- Lillian glanced at Asher.

I think you coul have used description, describe what Asher, Lillian and the officer look like, describe the people. Are they peasants or dressed well?

Edit: Keep writing.

If it was not 3am I would give you an extensive review... But seeing as it is 3am, I can not trust my mind

A few points I will bring to your attention until I have time to fully review this.

1.) Science-Fiction right? add some more futuristic stuff, or techno-talk.
2.) I am still not clear as to where this person is... On a ship? On earth? On Saturn?
3.) Describe the scene when she is being escorted back to her cell. Of course she would have handcuffs on, and most likely her legs would be shackled as well. Come up with a clever way of escape.

Ok, overall, I liked this. It has potential to become great.
Just remember, the more you write, the better you get.
You have no real faults that I can point out, but its clear that you need a little work in certain areas.

I will be back later with a full review, I promise! *passes out in computer chair... stupid insomnia*

hey jane!! sorry i took so long to post on this.

this seems really interesting, lots of potential. well- written, good description. i found it a bit confusing, but i think thats probably just me. you know how slow i am.

and NO SPELLING CRAP!! WOOT WOOT!! HIGH 5 MAN!!! *pulls hand away, jane does monkey scowl* ooooohh burn you missed!!

Very good!
I liked it a lot. Suspenseful ending...
makes me want more.

Lillian sat up, her head swimming.
It was only a dream. Nothing but a memory, revisited in sleep.
She recalled the rest of it. Jofi and Starla had revived Asher, and the four had left. Several of Asher’s ribs were broken, but they healed eventually. Their had been no lasting consequences.

She was inside a small, cramped room, presumably the inside of the boat. It was dark outside, and the cabin was lit by a little kerosene lamp. The boat was rocking serenely, as though no longer on a canal, but the sea. There was only one bed, and she was not on it. Insteasd, she was on a small, hard couch, that smelled vaguely of fish.

It could have been worse.

A man poked his head in through the door.

“So you’re up, then, arn’t you.” he said, squinting at her. He looked good-natured enough, and Lillian was pleased to see a thin gold ring on his left index finger.

“How long was I out?” Lillian wanted to know.
“Just since this morning,” he said. “Who were you running from?”
“The palace.”
“Don’t blame you.”
Lillian shuddered, then laughed, haltingly. She had an ally!
“What’s your name, girl?” the fisherman asked.
“Lilly Rose.” Lillian said, combining her real and code names. “You?”
“Adam.”
“Pleased to meet you. And... Thanks.”
Adam grinned.
“You mentioned lira?”
“In the bank. Lots of them.”
“Well, we arn’t going back for another three days, assuming we catch lots of fish. If we don’t catch any, it will be longer.”

Lillian thought. Three days was a good amount of time to be missing. The guards, who hadn’t seen the ship, would think she had plunged to her death in the canal. She could never have survived unconscious in the currants.

“Anything I can do to help around, while I stay?” she asked.
“Plenty, but I don’t want you to do anything yet. You look terrible.”

Thanks, Lillian thought. He was probably right though. A ten hour sedative after three days with out food and six months without nourishment did not make an attractive sight. She felt very self consious: her hair had once been golden, but her time in the palace dungeon coupled with the stress of her capture had added streaks pf premature grey. Her eyes and cheaks were sunken, and she had a sickly aura even she could dicern.

Adam handed her a container of dried fish.

“Good for the body, good for the soul,” he said, almost lovingly. “Shout if you need me.”

Lillian ate the fish. Though hardly gourmet, it was quite good, and she felt strength slowly returning to her limbs.
She looked around again, this time studying everything in detail. There was a stove, a sink, and a plush chair that looked quite deflated. In another corner stood a computer, looking quite broken. It was not an up to date either, but was not so far outdated that it could not be used.

Lillian fixed it, quite easily. She was good with technology.

Adam returned an hour later. He noticed the change immediately.

“You did that?” he asked, surprised.
“Yeah,” said Lillian.
“Want to do the radio, as well?”