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Born At Dawn



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Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:42 am
Quetseli says...



The clock ticks by seconds, the sound exploding in my ears like cannons. The seconds seemed slow and minutes seemed longer. Master sits at his desk, looking grim faced. A pudgy man that is slowly losing his roundness, making him look more flat and out of place to this manor. I liked him with his round belly. But it’s his wife’s condition that makes him refuse the foods that his swallowed in two bites. Psycho, insane, nuts. I could go on. She lost her mind over the death of her unborn child. But what do I have to do with any of it?
Master sits in an over stuffed, leather chair that no longer creaks when he rocks it slightly back and forth. I use to get annoyed by that bother, but now I miss it. It reminds me of, well not happier, but better days. When these mourners had their lively personality. Master stares with a steel gaze at a paper on his desk, one with so many large words, charts, and graphs. Things I am undereducated to understand. Servants, slaves, don’t get the same rights as my Masters people. At least, the Switcher do not.
The Master stops rocking in the chair and leans over the desk, eyes tearing away to look at me. I don’t sweat or become nervous like the other do. I’ve been in this family for three generations. I know when to be nervous when coming into this office. Now is not the time. Now is a serious talking time. Master sighs and rubs his sweaty palms together, looking at them for a moment before at me.
“Do you know what this paper is?” He asks me, gulping a lump in his throat. I shake my head.
“No, sir,” I reply. “I doubt I would for I have not been taught to those levels of education.” The Master nods his head slowly.
“Yes, yes. Of course.” He pauses, looking at the clock and reading the time. I don’t dare peel my eyes to look also. Diverting your eyes from your Master when they are directing something to you is an offence and Switchers can be severely punished. The Master doesn’t continue for some time and I wait with much patience to spare, unlike some of the newer servants and slaves here.
“This paper,” He says, picking it up and waving in beside his head. “Is deeply scientific information of the Switcher race.” I hold and push my shock down. Very rarely do humans engage in the studies of Switchers. They feel they don’t need to learn about “animals” such as us. My eyes keep their size ad my mouth holds its place. The only thing that shows my astonishment is my deep breath intake. Master knows me better now that that one move indicates I’m interesting in learning more.
“It tells me about the beginning of your kinds creation. It tells me about the mind, the body, thought process, everything I want to know,” Master informs. “But more importantly, it tells me about the Switchers limits and abilities.” His dark brown eyes lock onto my black ones. He holds my gaze for what feels like minutes before breaking it first and looking back at the paper, coughing to clear his throat.
“There is one thing that really caught my attention here,” Master continues. “And it quotes, ‘Switchers have the ability to become surrogates mothers to the fetus of species outside their own. An example of this ability would be the implantation of a human fetus, or zygote, into the womb of a Switcher. The body would either keep the fetus/zygote for full development or reject it by its foreign cells. A way to prevent rejection is to put a False Fetus into the womb, allowing the body to recognize the cells and gaining the ability to become a Surrogate.’ Unquote.”
The Master looks up at me to see if I understand. And strangely I do, even though some of those words were beyond my mental vocabulary. I know a Surrogate from my years of being here. A Switcher that was impregnated with the baby of something else. Forced to care and birth it. Usually the Switcher is Rejected afterwards because the birth itself physically harms the Switcher, nearly killing it and keeping it from working ever again. The whole speech gives me the hint of why Master wants me here. What he wants me to do. For the sake of his wife’s sanity, I’m guessing.
“You want me to birth your child.” I say, monotone. Master doesn’t look shocked by my answer. He knows I am smart enough to figure it out. Master puts the paper down and folds his hands again, keeping his eyes off mine. I clutch the stained wood, plush chair’s arm, my knuckles turning white and tendons tightening like a violin’s strings. This is very unlike Master’s requests. Way beyond the human race. Who wants a Switcher, no better then a wild animal tamed for work, to carry their child for nine months.
“I will, of course…pay for your agreement.” Master says, blinking a few times and taking a daring glance up at me. In that one glance I can see hope, worry, fear, and…regret. Does he regret asking me? Or does he regret that he wants me to do this? Why didn’t he ask a close family member or friend, a human, to do this? This thought bothers me and I can’t help but ask.
“Why me?” My voice sounds strained and a little higher pitched from my deeper tone. The Master’s head straights up and he looks a little pleased that I’m asking questions instead of staying silent, showing that I refuse the offer. Asking the question shows I might do what he wants. I might save his wife’s sanity.
“Because the fact is, Asa,” He startles me by calling me by my creation name. “I, we, trust you more then you think. We trust as if you were one of our own. Not meaning human.” His eyes show no lies behind the emotions. He trusts me like I was part of the family, when the fact is I have been a servant to the Blackwood family for three generations. Back when I was in my younger “Post-Creation” years. The years when I was something interesting, exciting, and frightening all at the same time. When I was respected, not treated like a household dog. When I was the first to emerge in the world as the first Switcher. All of this trust comes into me in doses. It fills me with a new look on my serving family, the family that created me 149 years ago. Created me as Asa Darkwood. I guess I have always been a part of the family, just the one kept in the attic.
“What will I be rewarded with, Master?” I ask, my voice a promise. Master smiles, his lips getting back to using the muscles to move up instead of down. His eyes now gleam with glee and a proud fact that he got me.
“Please, call me David for now on. You are one of us after all.” I can help but give a small smile. David. That will sure fill strange on my tongue, as well as having time to get use to. I wonder what his wife’s name is. But something else deep inside still bothers me about the last part: You are one of us after all. So does he finally, after so many serving years, see me as an equal? Humans usually see differently, I have observed, after being around one for so long. Why didn’t that happen way back when I was younger? When I was at the height of my popularity. When I wasn’t classified as an “animal”.
“For your agreement,” David says. “I promise to give you a full education, seeing yours on hasn’t even passed a sixth grade level. I will also grant you freedom to the house. You will have your own room, own clothes, own service-”
“No.” I speak so strictly that it startles David. He looks at me with wide eyes.
“I’m sorry?” He says, cocking his head slightly.
“I will not be served,” I enlighten. “I will do it myself.” The moment is silent that I feel that he might tell me to get out his office, canceling the deal. But he just nods and writes something on a blank piece of paper that replaces the Switcher one. The idea of being served by my own clutches at my heart’s weak spot. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t watch as another Switcher gives me food that I was restricted to eat. I couldn’t watch as another Switcher does the same jobs that I had to do, without pay, without benefits. Before David could return to his conversation, I complete it instead.
“I wish to have the benefit of leaving and freedom.” David’s head snaps back, eyes the size of quarters once again. His dark, handlebar moustache hairs seem to stand on ends like a dog’s fur gets when it feels threaten. I know it is a request so highly forbidden to grant, I fill up with doubt that I will get it. Switchers roam freely around the streets like humans. It has been a law against us since more Switchers were created and I have yet to know why. Is it because they fear we will mix with their own? That we will breed with them, created our own things, or dominate them possibly? Some humans hate us out of disgust. They hate the fact that we can switch sexes at will, the reason we got our name Switchers. The fate and doubt of my question is answered. David slowly shakes his head, his eyes sorry.
“I-I’m sorry, Asa,” He says, slowly. “I can’t give you that. It’s against myself that I can. Someone else would have to. Someone higher in the family.” My eyes downcast, knowing now that I can’t be punished if I’m one of their equals. The ticking of the grandfather clock, the one I remember since my beginning years here still in its place between the two bookshelves, booms in my ears again. I’m not in deep disappointment. My hopes were set too high when I suggested something of the sort. But the fact still eats at me like a food course meant to be savored.
“The best I can do,” David says, making me look back up. “is allow you to attend public affairs with us. Of course others won’t like it, but we’ll have to ignore their faces and thrown objects.” I can’t help but laugh at the last part. David joins in too. It has been known for humans to throw things at public serving Switchers. Food, shoes, glasses, plates. All sorts of objects that sometimes cause injury. Our laughter soon dies and I nod in agreement to his offer.
“That will be better then nothing, I suppose.” I reply and David smile becomes wider.
“Should you come up with anything else, tell me. I can see to it if I can benefit you with it,” David informs and I nod. “It’s very grateful to have you do this for my wife and me. I thought I would never get you to agree, seeing you served us. I believe the birth of a new child will bring Adora out of her state.” My smile vanishes at the word “birth”. The memories of watching Surrogates being put down after birthing a human child reminds me of the fact that it will also be my fate. That after bringing the Blackwood’s next generation into the world, I will get Rejected to end it all. And those religious humans say that animals don’t go to heaven. They have no souls. But am I really an animal? Or something like a human? David catches notice of my sudden change in thought like a highly contagious illness. He also knows why.
“Don’t worry about the Rejection, Asa,” David reassures. “You won’t get it. The Blackwood doctor will take care of you during labor and delivery and will also make sure you are well nutrition and cared for while you carry the child. This will all prevent the fate of other Surrogates. I promise you.” My thoughts don’t vanish though. They stay there a heavy cloud ready to rain down regret and fear over David’s soothing words. But I nod for him. I nod because you never know what you think and what you think might never be true.
Last edited by Quetseli on Sun Mar 21, 2010 9:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
And I vow oath to this creed and all who are within it, to protect and value them all.
-Altorian Guard Recruit Ceremony
  





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Sun Mar 21, 2010 9:18 am
MiaParamore says...



Hey Quetseli. This story is awesome. I loved it. You are creating a new type of species and you will give them your own created history which is amazing. I didn't find any big errors but some are here:
The clock ticked by seconds, the sound exploding in my ears like cannons.


The seconds seemed slow and minutes seemed longer. Master sits at his desk, looking grim faced.

In the first sentence you are making seem like it all happened in the past and in the second one it looks like its happening now(Present continuous). Check that dear.

Master stares with a steel gaze at a paper on his desk, one with so many large words, charts, and graphs.


I don’t sweat or become nervous like the other do.

I know when to be nervous; when coming into this office.


Servants, slaves, don’t get the same rights as my Masters people. At least, my own type of servants and slaves. Switchers.

The bold sentences make it seem like she also owns servants who are Switchers. But in fact, she is herself a Switcher.

Humans usually see differently, I have observed, after being around one for so long.


David’s head snaps back, eyes the size of quarters once again. His dark, handlebar mustachemoustache hairs seem to stand on ends like a dog’s fur gets when it feels threaten.


“The best I can do...,” David says, making me look back up. “is allow you to attend public affairs with us. Of course others won’t like it, but we’ll have to ignore their faces and thrown objects.


They stay there, a heavy cloud ready to rain down regret and fear over David’s soothing words.


I love the story and please continue it. KEEP WRITINg!!!!
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:16 pm
curiousvampire says...



I thought that your story was well written and creative. There was nothing wrong that I could see so all in all it was a solid piece of literature. I gobbled it up in one serving and can't wait for the next course of this story. Thanks for the story, it was good read and can't wait for rest.
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."
  





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Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:04 pm
midnightread says...



Hi Quetseli
I really like this story and I think it is a really good beginning.
I think you should re-read it though as I saw a few small mistakes, nothing major but they are noticeable.
Other than those small mistakes I really liked it.
Can you pm me when you post more?
Thanks
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.
  





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Sat Apr 03, 2010 3:03 am
GryphonFledgling says...



*whoot* This was intriguing.

Two things that I noticed:

1) Asa seems to get really cozy with David towards the end, to the point where they are laughing fairly comfortably together. It seems like after three generations of service, it would be a bit harder to shake the habit of servile detachment. There would be a period of uncertain relations, rather than a quick switch to familiarity.

2)The threat of Rejection seems like such a huge potential conflict and while Asa seems to still be apprehensive, it seems like the worry was put to rest by David's words. But what if he didn't mention it at all? What if he didn't even think of it? Has he thought that far ahead? What is going to happen when the birth really does take place? This is such a driving point to Asa's future and I don't want it to be easy. Conflict is good!

Really liked this. Looking forward to more!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sun Apr 04, 2010 3:11 am
Quetseli says...



Wow, thinks for all the comments! I didn't really think people would take a second look at this. Big surprise! X3

To the people who pointed out mistakes-I think I got them all. If I didn't, quote it and I'll fix it. Thanks!

To Fledgling-Even though Asa went through so much, he trust the family. He never thought bad of them because it's more of his personality to be on the positive side of things. But I can see why that is confusing, so sorry. I should have cleared that up. :p
And with the Rejection. He knew what happened when a human child is implanted into a Switcher and so he thought ahead because he knew in the end there would be death. It's kinda what anyone would think of if they knew how things went and the aftermath of it. And at the end, you can see that Asa doesn't really see David's words as soothing. He doesn't trust that things can will go right even with the best care. I'm sorry about that too. That should've been clear also. :p

Sorry if I confused some of you guys. I love to write, but my thoughts get ahead of me and I can't bring myself to think of the present which messes me up big time. Sadly though, I think I won't write anymore to this story. It was more of a story idea and I can't think about what would happen next. So I came to a stall and can't go any further. That's how most of my stories go. I write and write then stop and ask myself where it's going. And I can never make a clear story to fit with the idea. So I'm afraid this is all of this idea :[. I'm really glad you guys liked it though. Gives me a boost. Thanks!
And I vow oath to this creed and all who are within it, to protect and value them all.
-Altorian Guard Recruit Ceremony
  





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Mon Apr 05, 2010 3:27 pm
DirrtyMoney says...



I hope you continue with this, Quetseli, it's too good to end here. Best of luck!
Frank Costello: When you decide to be something, you can be it. That's what they don't tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I'm saying to you is this: when you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?
[The Departed]
  





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Wed Apr 07, 2010 5:13 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hey there!

I thought this was a great story; too bad you hit a rut! I come across the same problem when I write; I make about 5 chapters and then I think- wait, what’s going to happen now? And I realize the story was going nowhere in the first place.

But since I read it I thought I would give you a few pointers nonetheless :)

It was a little difficult for me to connect with your main character, Asa. It can be hard to connect with someone that doesn’t have a distinct personality. I pictured Asa as a man, but since he/she could be either sex at will, it kinda makes this character confusing. Also, Asa seemed extremely intelligent, and I was wondering why he hadn’t found a way to escape this prison yet. His relationship with David was a bit foggy too- it was weird how at the beginning Asa thought of himself as a slave, unable to break eye contact and such, and then just a little bit later David pops the question for him/her to bear his child. Its kind of a giant responsibility, and I thought Asa would’ve been even more surprised about it. And then later, they were laughing together.

I have to say that I really loved your descriptions! I really enjoyed the ‘tendons like violin strings’ and the ‘ticking like cannons’.

Thanks for the great read! And keep writing, you’re really good :D
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





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Sun Apr 18, 2010 2:11 am
Maddy says...



Hi Quet,
I love your story, but you really cannot use commas and paragraphs properly. It was hard for me in some places to read. Here's a example:

“You want me to birth your child.” I say, monotone. Master doesn’t look appear shocked by my answer. He must knows I am smart enough to figure it out.
(new paragraph) Master puts the paper down and folds his hands again, keeping his eyes off mine. I clutch the stained wood, plush chair’s arm What? This does not make sense: reword , my knuckles turning white and tendons tightening like a violin’s strings. This is very unlike Master’s requests. Way beyond the my expectations of the human race. Who wants a Switcher, no better then a wild animal tamed for work, to carry their child for nine months.You are asking a question here, so you need a ? at the end


-Maddy
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  





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Wed Apr 21, 2010 12:05 am
Bandgeek says...



But it’s his wife’s condition that makes him refuse the foods that his swallowed in two bites.
This sentence is confusing, I don't know what you mean. You are also mixing up tense (indicated by the red) in the whole story, but otherwise it's good.
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!
  








It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore