Young Writers Society

As a YWSer is wont to do, I read the comments before I read the piece. So here I go Comments in red, repetitions in green, overall opinion at the end.

iwrite27 wrote:The sun peeped through the towering buildings, throwing its sunlight We know it's the sun, "light" is sufficient. across the lecture hall. The green creatures, both mobile and immobile, fed off it. Not literally fed off it. But their bodies did the function of using the sunlight to feed from.

Photosynthesis: Carbon dioxide + Water + Sunlight = Glucose + Oxygen + ATP

Interesting idea. I understand that this text would be as: a) footnote or b) written in a different text or in a text box. The idea, to me, is similar to Matthew Reily novels where he has diagrams and such in text and colours different to the story font to differentiate between the materials. Michael Crichton does the same thing.

Doctor Shephard was setting up his MacPens for his next presentation on “Life in 2010”.

Enter here. He inserted three of his pens in their three respected MacPots. Clicked the “Start” button on each one of them. Three red spotlights shone. One on the wall for the screen. Two on his mahagony table for the keyboard and mouse. I belive these short sentences are a bit jerky. Maybe if you merged them together for flow it'd sound better. He moved his finger on the “red mouse” to open his Keynote presentation on the screen. He turned to his class. A group of 150 young neophytes, all perfectly green and healthy. The variety of their heights created a swift harmony among the large room. Heights ranging from 20 to 40 metres. The behemoth of the group, Jakob, sat up straight. Increasing few more metres to his towering figure. Again, I have a problem with the short sentences. While short sentences are good for creating tension, or adding drama, I don't see why this paragraph is inundated with them.

“So, our next topic will be the diet of the people in 2010,” he said and tapped the “red keyboard” for the first slide.

First slide Omit. Not needed.

Diet -
1. non-vegetarian Shouldn't this be categorized as "carnivore"?
= most common - ham, chicken, eggs, seafood (can include every possible living being)
2. vegetarian
= most common - fruits, vegetables, dairy products

“These are the two main divisions for their food. Would anyone give us a definition of “food” to help us understand better?”

Jakob quickly shut his green eyelids, commanded his MinDictionary for the definition and raised his hand. Since he was the tallest one: the most sunlight absorbing, he was the first one to find the answer in his brain. “Any nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink, or that plants absorb, in order to maintain life and growth,” he said, when asked Redundant. He is obviously answering a question that was asked, no need to state so.. He loved the feeling of pride that he got "that he got" is also not needed here, learning about the ancient, antedilluvian savages. Being captious about them. To disgust at them. o.O What? "To disgust at them? Captious? Forgive me, but I don't understand at all. Also. I'm loling right now. This is starting to remind me of the "horror" movie, Trolls 2. Not a recommended viewing. Quote from it, "Think about the cholesterol!" They were just like animals. It is natural for animals to eat other animals. Not natural for humans. How could they have spent centuries living like animals? Living on the death of other living beings? All for the sake of the fleeting realm of epicurean tastes. All for their desire to fill their stomach, which ironically enough, could never stay filled. Fascinating. Disgusting, yet fascinating.

Second slide Again, omit

Food processes -
1. ingestion
2. digestion
3. excretion

Might look better as, "Food processes - Ingestion --> Digestion --> Excretion." And am now reminded of the movie, The Human Centipede. Another movie you shouldn't watch. Quote, "Shit, I need to shit!"

“So evidently, the people back in 2010 were pretty much ignorant. They loved food. Breaking it down. Ingestion. They took pleasure in crushing food and ipso facto, it didn’t even last longer than maximum 10 seconds in their mouths. Unlike us, a tercentenary after their existence. We have a quintessential supply of food: the sun. We are now able to convert the sun’s energy and directly use it as our own. We don’t even need to break it down. Nor do we ever run out of it! Back then, they knew no better. Knew no other way than to crush food for their energy intake. They didn’t have the technology, nor the brains to develop the technology.”

A wave of murmurs swept over the room. Murmurs of disgust and repugnance. Jakob continued on the thought. “Funny how they used to claim themselves to be in the technologic age. When they still relied on cave-man ways to obtain energy!” he demeaned them mentally. If this is mental thought, there shouldn't be speech marks, but some other way to show that it wasn't spoken aloud. Such as italics or the use of "<>". And that’s when his mind started to lose track. He could hear Doctor Shephard in the background - a crescendoing voice - passionately continuing the lecture.

“digestion...... food converted to disgusting “muck”....... used to abstract their energy......excretion...... form of food, mixed with all the impurities of their bodies....”

He could multi-task. Now, he was busy imagining the mental state of these fellows he was learning about. What must they be thinking, while considering food as a palladium? No need for the enter here. He felt like the people were un-understandable. An overwhelming sense of curiosity rose inside him. Engulfed him. Suffocated him. He felt a desperate need to truly experience their lives. Not just hear about them. Being a maverick, he decided to do just that. Experience. He shut his green eyelids and switched on the MinDual mode in his brain.

Respiration: Glucose + Oxygen = Water + Carbon dioxide + ATP

Beneath his eyelids, his eyeballs were spinning orange. Behind his eyeballs, hormones were running to and fro. Sending messages. Receiving messages. Using the sun’s energy. Cells were replicating, dividing all over his body. Mitosis. And then it was formed. His replica. An invisible twin. But was only visible to Jakob. He liked to call him Jake – a halfpart of him, literally. Jake was only there for a second before he followed the brain’s command and disappeared. To appear in a new time. 2010.

Third slide Omit

Eating disorders
anorexia
bulimia
3. binge eating disorder I don't think the "3" is meant to be there.

Jake found itself in a hustly bustly street of some Megalopolis. Everything looked the same. Except for the people. It was the only green creature amongst the pallor of their skins. No many plants to be seen either. He felt like an anachronism.

“........anorexia... starving themselves on purpose.... bulimia..... throwing up food.... binge-eating..... eating more than normal.... high calorie foods....”

Jake went into a restaurant. “McDonalds - I’m loving it.” Everyone was busy Eating away. Apparently enjoying themselves. A group of 3 "three" young boys were Bingeing away at the back of restaurant caught his attention. He walked up to one of them. Shrunk to his size. 5.2m. Merged into him. The boy - his friends called him Mike - had an edacious, carnivorous appetite. Mike gobbled up the Hamburger. And one more. And one more. The Jake inside him experienced it all. Food. Its acidulous taste. Its ephemeral taste. Felt the muck growing inside the boy’s stomach. The same muck that when excreted, the boys can’t bear to look or smell! He understood the heights of the boy’s ignorance. The boy was still not satisfied. He wanted more. French Fries. 500g of them. Chocolate Ice Cream, 250g. All the time, chatting away with his two Binge-eating friends. Jake felt satiated. Dyspeptic. Could take no more.

Forth slide

Contribution to the environment
exhale greenhouse gases; CO2
deforestation
result = increased greenhouse effect; global warming

“..... a man named ________ came along........ invented the Chloroplant gene.......transmitting genes from plants to us, humans......... solving the problem of global warming............ more creatures to inhale the CO2 in the atmosphere.........”

Jakub called Jake back in the future. Jake appeared again, grew back to his full size and merged back into Jake. They were one again. Jakub now understood the source of this love of Food.

And he checked one more word in his MinDictionary: “dissatisfaction”

Nice twist? I'm not quite sure if I'm getting this right, but:

a) Jakub is dissatisfied with photosynthesis now and wants to eat
or
b) the reason people ate was because they were never satisfied

Either way, I thought it was an interesting story to read. I'm questioning, however, the reason why the students are being taught all this when they can just access it on their "MinWorldThing" and be basically omnipotent because they have the world's knowledge at their fingertips.

What inspired you to write this story?

It was a good piece of work, if not a bit weird. But it's definitely something that could get published in a science magazine. I'm not kidding either

Keep on keeping on!

-JaI

Also, PS: it took millions of years for us as humans to evolve. 300 years pales in comparison. Maybe you should consider changing the date. And wow! 20-40 metres tall? That's insane. The atmosphere is 17km away from the equator. Think about it. What if one of the buildings created by these tree people was 10 stories or more high? Just. . . Gosh. . .

The green creatures, both mobile and immobile, fed off it. Not literally fed off it. But their bodies did the function of using the sunlight to feed from.

Doctor Shephard was setting up his MacPens for his next presentation on “Life in 2010”.
He inserted three of his pens in their three respected MacPots. Clicked the “Start” button on each one of them. Three red spotlights shone. One on the wall for the screen. Two on his mahagony table for the keyboard and mouse. He moved his finger on the “red mouse” to open his Keynote presentation on the screen.

“So, our next topic will be the diet of the people in 2010,” he said and tapped the “red keyboard” for the first slide.

First slide

They took pleasure in crushing food and ipso facto, it didn’t even last longer than maximum 10 seconds in their mouths.