Young Writers Society

A newly-made laboratory is home to Oklahoma City's best scientist, David Greeden. David Greeden has been into science his whole life and has finally seen an opportunity to come up with the newest invention, the best eraser, "The Color Decrease". He has done as many experiments for this eraser as he could do in four years until this opportunity, Spectrum's Comet, a comet that was last seen in 12,477 B.C., distantly floats through the sky above his lab. So he took his mightiest telescope and gazed at the comet for as long as he could. The comet was covered in material that captured every color in the Red, Blue, and Green color spectrum. But the material and the colors mixed generated harmful X-Radiation towards the telescope and painfully shined in David's eye. "Ow!", David said as he stepped back and accidentally bumped into a button. The button was connected to a laser that blasts gamma rays. The gamma rays blasted from it and were captured by Spectrum's Comet. At the point of their collision, the gamma rays hid deeply into the comet and exploded. The explosion was big enough for the whole planet to see at least a glimpse of light in the sky. In that short time, every color on Earth quickly vanished. A piece of the comet fell in through the ceiling and in front of David. Even though it was the size of a bear, David managed to chip a piece off of it and used a torch to melt it and put it in a jar. He rode a bus to Texas and traveled to the coast. There, he threw the jar far out into the water. Three days later, a strong rainstorm happened and the melted leftovers of Spectrum's Comet evaporated and made a rainbow ring around Earth. After that, every raindrop that fell from that storm held color, color that when touched something that lacks color, fills it with its original color. In less than a week, every color on Earth was restored and Spectrum's Comet never threatened color ever again.

It's preety cool. About the comet. But I don't understand something. What it's means "The Color Decrease".

Naydy wrote:It's preety cool. About the comet. But I don't understand something. What it's means "The Color Decrease".

"The Color Decrease" is the name of the eraser that he wanted to invent, so he named it after being able to decrease color percentage in things.

I like this piece as a outline or an idea, but it isn't exactly a story. It needs to be beefed up a little bit to go as far as to call it that. And there was one thing I didn't understand; what did the "Color Decrease" have to do with anything? Is that what was loaded into the gamma ray gun that fired and hit the comet? If so, why was the "Color Decrease" in the gamma ray gun? And what does creating the "Color Decrease" have to do with seeing the comet? I have no doubt that you have answers to all of these questions, but you have to answer them in your writing so the reader isn't asking those questions. Again, I think this is a great idea for a story, it just needs to be expanded. Keep writing!

~Amylith

Similar to Amylith, this definitly seems more like what the story is going to be rather then what it actually is. Generally speaking, it is better to take breaks to prevent big blocks of text (this goes the same for literal writing, not typing, as well.) It also seems a bit too random and doesn't really have a flow to it.

There's no dialogue and not a lot of sense to the story. Why was there a button so conveniently placed behind Greeden? Shouldn't an experienced scientist like Greeden be more attentive to his doomsday buttons, and not make such a rookie mistake? The idea is interesting though, and it would be a good idea, in my opinion, to rewrite the story and, you know, flesh it out some. Good luck!


-- Jim

I can't say that I am not a bit confused. I like the general idea, but I agree that it isn't really a story, and your sentences are kind of choppy. I do think that it could make a good story, though, if expanded upon and made to flow better. For example:

There, he threw the jar far out into the water. Three days later, a strong rainstorm happened and the melted leftovers of Spectrum's Comet evaporated and made a rainbow ring around Earth.

Could become:

There, he threw the jar far out in the water. Three days later there was a strong rainstorm that melted the leftovers of Spectrum's Comet, which evaporated and made a rainbow ring around Earth.

I liked the plot, and the way that you kept the story simple, but I do think you should expand.I also think that this sentence,

So he took his mightiest telescope and gazed at the comet for as long as he could.

is kind of old fashioned. How about,

So he took his strongest telescope, and gazed at the comet for as long as he could.

I like your hard science writing you obviously did you research. I also like how you described the comet. I would recommend a little bit of editing in some parts, but otherwise great story!

The story for me was intersting, I like the idea of the comet and the Colour Decrease and all that. But I think you should have explained things in some more detail, like maybe a bit more detail with the eraser. The comet description was fine, in fact it was excellent, but the rest could have done with more.