Young Writers Society

they were sitting in a bright white room that was spotless

John woke with a start. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the morning darkness he could tell there was nothing wrong, it was just a dream he told himself. He got out of bed and started to walk out of his room with a small stumble due to his morning grogginess. As he reached the doorway he noticed the floor was comfortably warm beneath his feet. The door slid open with a slight hiss of air and he was in his kitchen. His family was already up eating breakfast, they were sitting in a bright white room that was spotless. He walked over to the table and pulled out a chair, from the moment, his hand touched the chair, the chair (better to use 'it' instead of saying 'the chair' again, 'cause it's already understandable that you're referring the chair}automatically warmed to his touch. (Explain why would it bring as such, was it because the dining room was cozy? Usually, chairs don't transmit warmth)He sat down to a bowl full of Wheaties with a small amount of milk on them, exactly how he liked it. He said “Good morning” to his Mom, Dad and younger brother('family' would be easier) and began to eat. Today was just like any other Saturday, John and his family slept in late, ate breakfast together and then would go to their separate ways. After John was finished eating, he got up, still stumbling slightly on the chair leg due to morning grogginess,(Just reading 'morning grogginess' makes me think that I seemed to be lost in reading but I wasn't. So, that tells me you used that word twice and it doesn't look good. Try using other words) headed towards the shower. As he approached the bathroom, the milky white door slid open with a slight hiss and steam rolled out of the doorway. He got undressed and stepped into the steaming shower water. (I don't like how you tend to repeat the words 'steam', 'hiss' and 'slid')The water was a bit hot for his liking so he reached out to the clouded glass door and touched it right below the handle moving his middle finger in a downward motion. Instantly the water minutely cooled to his exact liking.('Liking' again?) Finally fully alert, he touched a small button under the shower head. The water emitting from the head (use 'it' so that you'll not be using the same word again)was suddenly full of bubbles. John scrubbed himself down and after a few nagging calls from his mom to get out, he got out. He stepped out of the shower at first feeling the bite of the cooler room, but the bite was short lived, the room warmed back up quickly. (you just said that he got out from the shower then you placed 'He stepped out' in another sentence) He dried off and went back to his room to get dressed. He saw a steadily blinking green light up his whole room as the door to his room closed behind with a soft hiss of air. The green light was coming from the white keyboard to his computer. (Just a light from the keyboard and it already lighten up his room?) He dressed quickly, walked over to his computer and pressed the small smooth button to turn his screen on. He squinted as the bright screen came to life. There was a pulsing “mail” icon at the bottom of the interface, he clicked it and a message from his best friend, Sean, popped up, asking if he could hang out today. As he was about to type the letter “s” in “yes” in reply, his mom yelled, “You need to drop your brother off at the mall, he's meeting his friends there.” John sighed. He quickly typed “yes, but I need to drop off my brother at the mall first I’ll pick you up on the way home,” then he pressed 'enter', picked up his keys and yelled “Let’s go!” to his brother. After fifteen minutes of yelling at his brother to hurry up, John and his brother were walking out the front door. They stepped out the door onto a deck like structure. On either side, above and below apartments were identical to his,(identical to his what?) some with one car hovering a bit out side the deck to as many as five. His car and the rest of his family’s cars were suspended in mid air inches away from (where?) and opening in the grey railing that allowed for John’s car door to open. He grabbed the smooth, warm door handle and pulled the door open so his brother could get in. He looked down through the miniscule crack between the deck and his car; he could see thousands of feet below the exact same decks extended like he was perched on top of a tower. A chill ran down his back as he slid into the pleather seat, he hated heights. He shut the door, put his key in the ignition and a large glowing interface popped up, he quickly selected the option for directions to the mall, after the directions had loaded, and he started the car. A low humming sound meant that the driving jets had activated. He checked to make sure no one was coming in his side mirror and pulled out into the mid-air street. As he and his brother smoothly sped along in his car, (use only him, if not, it'll only let us think that his brother and him are both driving the car) a female voice with a British accent calmly directed John towards their destination. The mall was a massive, but plain, white structure. The whole surface was covered in large windows with different types of merchandise on display. John circled the massive structure looking for a parking deck. After five minutes of circling the mall (the mall? or parking lot?) he finally found one. He pulled up to it and tried to get his brother out quickly. “I dropped my keys in between the seats!” his brother whined. John sighed “Ok, just hurry up and get them.” Another five minutes passed before John's patience started to wear thin. “Come on!” John urged. “Relax,” his brother said snottily. “It’s not like this is the last time you’ll hang out with Sean in ten years, I just got them.” His brother closed the door and John angrily pulled away. This time he didn’t used the directional interface, he knew how to get to Sean’s apartment from here.

Ten minutes later, he pulled up to Sean’s apartment and honked the horn, after waiting a few minutes, John heard the hiss of air as Sean’s door slid open and he walked out. (why would there be a 'hiss' sound?) John greeted Sean with,“what’s up dude?” and pulled away from the apartment.(You seemed to be rush in this sentence, it's kind of awkward to read like: they met then said 'what's up, dude' and next thing I knew, they headed to John's parent... it's just too fast.) They pulled up to John’s house and headed inside. Sean said “hi” to John’s parents and they went into John’s room. They fired up the virtual reality gaming system, put on the required headset and were completely immersed into the world of their favorite game. (This paragraph was almost too much of a 'telling' part)

Right before dinner, Sean had to go home. His parents picked him up from John’s house just before John’s family was sitting down for dinner. This was also around the same time John’s little brother got dropped off by his friends. The cooking system had selected burgers and fries for dinner. The burger didn’t have anything except cheese on it, just how John liked it, just as he was about to take a bite there was a massive explosion and John and his whole family were thrown to the far side of the kitchen.(kaboom! ...lol) Luckily, their far side of the kitchen was a smooth wall where cupboards only slid out on command so no one was hurt. (No one was hurt? How could you say that when there was just a big explosion? Where did the explosion happened? in the kitchen? Even a scrap... nothing?!) Suddenly, the light flickered and went out; the only thing visible was a flickering glow that read “EXIT” on the opposite side of the kitchen. “Is everyone OK?” John's Dad asked, after they all answered with a resounding “Yes!” (usually, they wouldn't say "yes" in almost unison. You know why? there was just an explosion!)He pulled out a small, almost cell phone like device that he quickly turned on. As the screen flickered to life, it read “abandon ship”. When John Dad read this he immediately yelled “hurry” and this was all the instruction the family needed, they rushed over to the exit sign. (Firstly, you need to say why John's dad suddenly pulled out the device. Was it because it rung? or vibrate? show us why and how.) John’s Dad fumbled with the latch for a second and with frantic screams of “Go, go!” he pried the door open. They ran down a long hallway and were at another door that read “AIRLOCK” John's dad pushed a button and a large door opened with military issue space suits specially made for all of them. After they rushed to get those on, they stepped into the air lock and into their family’s escaped pod. The escape pod was made of an almost entirely clear material. As John’s dad sat into the pilot’s seat a large interface screen popped up and started scanning the solar system they were in. But John’s Dad interrupted the scan and forced an emergency launch. The pod lurched and suddenly the family was away. As the pod emerged from the bottom of the ship with thousands of other pods, a few other pods had escaped in front of John’s family but many more had just been launched behind them. John’s Dad let the pod scan the system for planets that’s could sustain life now. They turned around and slowly coming into their field of vision was a massive V-shaped ship that seemed to be charging some type of weapon because a large orange orb was slowly growing at the very tip of the ship. As they sped out of range, the orb was released and John’s family’s home exploded. John’s family braced themselves for an impact that never came. Slowly, John opened his eyes and said “Oh my God.” The family looked back and saw their massive Home Ship rent in two, with the two parts of the ship slowly drifting away from each other. Closer to the family’s pod white hot embers floated eerily when they knew thousands of pods used to exist. (Observe that you kept on writing 'pods') As the ship’s location program whirred to life, it scanned the strange, new solar system for a suitable planet John’s family sat in their pod quietly mourning the loss of the only home they knew ('have' will be much better) and staring out at the strange void that was to eventually become their home. But more than anything else on his mind, John desperately wanted to know if Sean had made it out.

Grizzy wrote:John woke with a start. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the morning darkness he could tell there was nothing wrong, it was just a dream he told him self Himself should be one word. After internal thoughts or monologue, you should put a comma and/or show that it's thought with italics. ie, "I wonder if it's raining outside, Ben thought, turning off his Gameboy.".

He got out of bed and started to walk out of his room with a small stumble due to his morning grogginess. As he reached the doorway he noticed the floor was comfortably warm beneath his feet. The door slid open with a slight hiss of air and he was in his kitchen. His family was already up eating breakfast, they were sitting in a bright white room that was spotless. He walked over to the table and pulled out a chair, from the moment his hand touched the chair, the chair automatically warmed to his touch. He sat down to a bowl full of Wheaties with a small amount of milk on them, exactly how he liked it.

He said “Good morning” to his Mom, Dad and younger brother and began to eat. Today was just like any other Saturday, John and his family slept in late, ate Breakfast Capitalization not needed together and then would go their separate ways.

After John was finished eating he got up, still stumbling slightly on the chair leg due to morning grogginess, headed towards the shower. As he approached the bathroom the milky white door slid open with a slight hiss and steam rolled out of the doorway. He got undressed and stepped into the steaming shower water. The water was a bit hot for his liking so he reached out to the clouded glass door and touched it right below the handle moving his middle finger in a downward motion. Instantly the water minutely cooled to his exact liking. Finally fully alert he touched a small button under the shower head. The water emitting from the head was suddenly full of bubbles. John scrubbed himself down and after a few nagging calls from his mom to get out, got out.

He stepped out of the shower at first feeling the bite of the cooler room, but the bite was short lived, the room warmed back up quickly. He dried off and went back to his room to get dressed. He saw a steadily blinking green light up his whole room as the door to his room closed behind with a soft hiss of air. The green light was coming from the white keyboard to his computer.

He dressed Can you SEE the repitition in your writing? And to be painfully honest, this whole scene, everything in the last few paragraphs have been pointless. It was boring to read. It was not entertaining. If I picked this up in a store and read the third paragraph, I'd put it down and walk away. All of the above could be deleted, and the reader would be better off. Sometimes it's good to start the story in a place where there is no action, only calm. In your case, that idea is certainly wrong. quickly, walked over to his computer and pressed the small smooth button to turn his screen on.

He squinted as the bright screen came to life. There was a pulsing “mail” [color=#FF0000 Not needed. Mail is fine.[/color] icon at the bottom of the interface, he clicked it and a message from his best friend Sean popped up asking if he could hang out today.

As he was about to type the letter “s” in “yes” in reply, his mom yelled “You need to drop your brother off at the mall, he's meeting his friends there.”

John sighed. He quickly typed “yes, but I need to drop off my brother at the mall first I’ll pick you up on the way home,” pressed enter, picked up his keys and yelled “Let’s go!” to his brother.

After fifteen minutes of yelling at his brother to hurry up, John and his brother were walking out the front door. They stepped out the door onto a deck like structure. On either side, above and below apartments were identical to his, some with one car hovering a bit out side the deck to as many as five. His car and the rest of his family’s cars were suspended in mid air inches away from and opening in the grey railing that allowed for John’s car door to open.

He grabbed the smooth, warm door handle and pulled the door open so his brother could get in. He looked down through the miniscule crack between the deck and his car; he could see thousands of feet below the exact same decks extended like he was perched on top of a tower. A chill ran down his back as he slid into the Pleather seat, he hated heights.

He shut the door, put his key in the ignition and a large glowing interface popped up he quickly selected the option for directions to the mall, after the directions had loaded, and he started the car. A low humming sound meant that the driving jets had activated. He checked to make sure no one was coming in his side mirror and pulled out into the mid-air street. As he and his brother smoothly sped along in his car, a female voice with a British accent calmly directed John towards their destination.

The mall was a massive, but plain, white structure. The whole surface was covered in large windows with different types of merchandise on display. John circled the massive structure looking for a parking deck. After five minutes of circling the mall he finally found one. He pulled up to it and tried to get his brother out quickly.

“I dropped my keys in between the seats!” his brother whined.

John sighed “OK just hurry up and get them.”

Another five minutes passed before Johns patience started to wear thin. “Come on!” John urged.

“Relax” his brother said snottily “It’s not like this is the last time you’ll hang out with Sean in ten years, I just got them.” His brother closed the door and John angrily pulled away. This time he didn’t used the directional interface, he knew how to get to Sean’s apartment from here.

Ten minutes later he pulled up to Sean’s apartment and honked the horn, after waiting a few minutes John heard the hiss of air as Sean’s door slid open and he walked out. John greeted Sean with “what’s up dude?” and pulled away from the apartment.

They pulled up to John’s house and headed inside. Sean said “hi” to John’s parents and they went into John’s room. They fired up the virtual reality gaming system, put on the required headset and were completely immersed into the world of their favorite game.

Right before dinner Sean had to go home. His parents picked him up from John’s house just before John’s family was sitting down for dinner. This was also around the same time John’s little brother got dropped off by his friends.

I give up. I'm sorry, but highlighting every repitition in green would take me another half an hour more than it's taken me so far. So I'm just going to leave it here, place the paragraphs and comment at the end.

The cooking system had selected burgers and fries for dinner. The burger didn’t have anything except cheese on it, just how John liked it, just as he was about to take a bite there was a massive explosion and John and his whole family were thrown to the far side of the kitchen. Luckily there far side of the kitchen was a smooth wall where cupboards only slid out on command so no one was hurt. Suddenly the light flickered and went out; the only thing visible was a flickering glow that read “EXIT” on the opposite side of the kitchen.

“Is everyone OK?” Johns Dad asked, after they all answered with a resounding “Yes!” He pulled out a small, almost cell phone like device that he quickly turned on. As the screen flickered to life it read “abandon ship”. When John Dad read this he immediately yelled “hurry” and this was all the instruction the family needed, they rushed over to the exit sign. John’s Dad fumbled with the latch for a second and with frantic screams of “Go, go!” he pried the door open.

They ran down a long hallway and were at another door that read “AIRLOCK” Johns dad pushed a button and a large door opened with military issue space suits specially made for all of them. After they rushed to get those on they stepped into the air lock and into their family’s escaped pod. The escape pod was made of an almost entirely clear material. As John’s dad sat into the pilot’s seat a large interface screen popped up and started scanning the solar system they were in. But John’s Dad interrupted the scan and forced an emergency launch. The pod lurched and suddenly the family was away. As the pod emerged from the bottom of the ship with thousands of other pods, a few other pods had escaped in front of John’s family but many more had just been launched behind them. John’s Dad let the pod scan the system for planets that’s could sustain life now. They turned around and slowly coming into their field of vision was a massive V shaped ship that seemed to be charging some type of weapon because a large orange orb was slowly growing at the very tip of the ship. As they sped out of range the orb was released and John’s family’s home exploded.

John’s family braced themselves for an impact that never came. Slowly John opened his eyes and said “Oh my God.” The family looked back and saw their massive Home Ship rent in two, with the two parts of the ship slowly drifting away from each other. Closer to the family’s pod white hot embers floated eerily when they knew thousands of pods used to exist. As the ship’s location program whirred to life it scanned the strange, new solar system for a suitable planet John’s family sat in their pod quietly mourning the loss of the only home they knew and staring out at the strange void that was to eventually become their home. But more than anything else on his mind, John desperately wanted to know if Sean had made it out.