Young Writers Society

AFTER 98.6

“Sir, I have a report to make.”
“Yes Sergeant, what is it?”
“Intruders have been detected in Harry city,” The Sergeant replied.
“What action has been taken against this?”
“We captured them and examined them, but nothing else yet sir, the Mayor wanted you to be in charge,” The Sergeant was getting a little nervous.
“Just because I am the General doesn’t mean my officers can’t make their own decisions. I want you to raise an army quickly,” The General order.
Yes sir. And one more thing these intruders have a very thin armor on, my council is that we use arrows to take on our enemy.”
“That is very sensible of you Sergeant. Equip two thirds of the new recruits with bows and arrows. The rest will be regular ground units.”
“As you wish sir,” The Sergeant left. The General slowly walked over to a table and picked up his armor. Out of his closet he grabbed a sword. Immediately he began running to the center of town.
As he approached concerned citizens stopped him. Most of them wondering how these intruders might affect them. The General kept his replies short and usually answered with “I don’t know.” One citizen stopped him for a different reason.
“I want to join the battle. Let me fight them with you,” The citizen begged.
“No, you are simply not made for this kind of activity. You are here to harvest food and spread it to the citizens. I don’t want important men like you getting hurt.”
“I could be a spy, or I could be a weapons carrier. Please let me come,” The citizen got on his knees.
“I’m sorry, but in the caste system we live in you must harvest food, and my men must do the fighting,” The citizen slumped in disappointment.
As the General continued to town, old veteran fighters came out of their houses. They asked what was happening. After the General explained the situation, they grabbed their weapons and started marching to the front lines. Soon the General reached the town center. The Mayor was currently lecturing citizens that fear is not required. The Mayor noticed the General and asked if preparations were going well. The General nodded and continued toward the armory. As the General was walking away, he heard the Mayor assure the people once again that the White army (as they are called) could take on this threat. Every soldier came to attention when the General entered the armory.
“At ease soldiers,” The men relaxed and went back to doing their assigned duty. The Sergeant approached again.
“Sir, we must move our army quickly. The “T” scouts have informed me that a group of intruders are coming to invade in the lower city. I heard that the new tribe leader is a particularly nasty man who enjoys torturing members of the White army specifically.”
“No need to worry Sergeant, with the armor specifications you gave me we should be able to put these intruders away nicely,” The General was about to leave when the Sergeant stopped him again.
“One last thing, a Penetrating Invasion Limitation and Location Squad, or P.I.L.L.S. has been given to us for our disposal. I was planning on escorting them to our front line myself.”
“Thank you Sergeant, I don’t know how this unit would run without you.”
“Thank you sir, and your welcome sir,” The Sergeant saluted and ran toward another part of town.
The General proceeded to the front lines. Not knowing exactly which part of the city wall the invader would strike at, he was patrolling the entire lower section waiting for disaster to occur. Unfortunately it struck sooner than he thought. On his second pass he heard a scream.
“They’re here!” As soon as the scream ended, a large horn began blowing profusely.
“Stupid T scouts, always get over zealous with that dumb horn,” The General thought to himself. He drew his sword and charged forward. A metal battering ram slice through the city wall. Invaders charged forward. The General met them head on. An invader raised its sword to attack, but an arrow knocked it down. The General jumped into the mix cutting down any invader that got in his way. He blocked away a sword and rammed his own into the invaders throat. Then he cut down another invader from behind. This kind of war wasn’t ever honorable. As the old saying goes, survival of the fittest.
The General was fairing well himself, but the masses of invaders were wearing down his men. Slowly the invaders pushed the White army back. The White army was pushed into the streets of the city unable to keep fighting back the terrible invaders. Two invaders charged the General. He met them straight on. He blocked the first attack and kicked back the second attacker. Ducking under the next swing he stabbed the first attacker in the throat. Then as he turned to fight the second attacker; he suddenly felt his body get hit by a bundle of bricks. In actuality the attacker had just tackled him. The General ‘s sword skidded away from him down the street. As he tried to reach for the closest weapon the invader was bringing it’s sword down to the Generals throat. Seconds before it struck and arrow zipped from the town center and went straight through the attacker. The General looked to his savior; his Sergeant was lowering his bow.
“Looks like I got here just in time,” The Sergeant commented, he looked back and yelled, “Charge!” A group of about a hundred heavily armored soldiers started running into battle. The repeating crossbows attached to their arms helped them take down twenty or so invaders, in only a few seconds. In fear the invaders started to run, but to their dismay the opening in the wall had a temporary patch over it making it impossible for them to escape. Before they could even turn to fight they were cut down by the P.I.L.L.S.
The General stood up looking at the war torn part of town. Only a small fraction of his army now stood, but they had held. Harry city would be safe for another day. The General ordered the draft to continue for the time being. He knew from past experience that once the first attack happened many more would come before the time of battle would pass until another season of war arose. Two days later seemed to close for another war, but time doesn’t stand still, and neither does you enemy.
“Sir, we have a report that an enemy is massing near our front gate,” The Sergeant reported.
“Thank you Sergeant. Get all of our new recruits up there immediately. I don’t want a near fiasco like last time.”
“Yes sir,” the Sergeant said with a salute and ran to raise the alarm. The General put on his armor grabbed his sword and started for the front gate. He was getting to old for this. He swore that after this battle he would retire and quickly promote the Sergeant to at least a Colonel. Doing double time he swiftly got to the front gate. His armies were already assembling. The Sergeant again came to give a report.
“Sir, I have no evidence suggesting we will have the assistance of P.I.L.L.S. for this battle.”
“Not to worry Sergeant, we will do fine,” With the General’s comment the Sergeant gave a half smile.
“The enemy is advancing,” A yell sounded once again followed by a horn blowing loudly. The General nodded to the Sergeant and yelled for the men to hold their positions. The enemy came into view. This time they had new armor much thicker than the last time. The Sergeant gave an audible gulp and shuddered at the sight. The General stayed calm waiting for the advance. He raised his arm and the archers raised their bows. He lowered his arm and they fired. Arrows whizzed through the air and landed among the invaders. Only a third of the arrows did actual damage. The General then became worried.
“Fire at will!” He yelled. Arrows started to rain down on the enemy. Their march forward continued. Finally a yell to charge sounded and the invaders began running forward. The General yelled for a charge and his men ran forward. In seconds the steel of both troops crashed together. The invaders thick armor was no match for the White army’s steel. But the White army hadn’t anticipated the advancement in technology so likewise their armor was no match for the invaders steel. It was a blood bath. Every time the intruders would get beat slightly back a new batch of troops emerged. The White army was getting pushed slowly toward the center of town again.
The General ordered a full on retreat at one point. After hours of fighting, the General looked around to survey the battlefield. While looking around he saw his Sergeant taking on five intruders. The General ran with all his strength to get to him. He tackled two of the intruders and stabbed one in the back. Two more replaced the one dead. Every time the General or the Sergeant killed an intruder, one or more kept taking its place. The General pushed back his half of the group, but the Sergeant got pushed down. He stabbed one of the intruders, but two more came in and stuck their swords straight into the Sergeant’s gut. He fell back and let his eyes roll into the back of his head. “NO!” The general yelled as he cut down two more intruders. Soon the massive group of intruders surrounded the General and he became overwhelmed. More then one blade came in to give the heroic General his last breath. The rest of the White army was quickly dispatched of and the intruders ran rampant threw the city.

Though this battle is lost, Harry city will soon regain its former glory. But it will take time. For Harry Ericson, a boy of 12, his body will soon heal, and then his noble General will be replaced by another. Harry doesn’t know it yet, but wars like this are fought for his health everyday.

I really like the concept of this piece. I just think you should try to show, not tell, a bit more often.
Example:

The General proceeded to the front lines. Not knowing exactly which part of the city wall the invader would strike at, he was patrolling the entire lower section waiting for disaster to occur. Unfortunately it struck sooner than he thought. On his second pass he heard a scream.

I'd like to see you have some subtle descriptions so that the reader may draw his or her conclusions.

He tackled two of the intruders and stabbed one in the back. Two more replaced the one dead. Every time the General or the Sergeant killed an intruder, one or more kept taking its place.

I think with a bit more subtly and interesting language, this scene could really create a lot of emotion, such as frustration or anguish caused by this unstoppable force.
If you go through the piece and add more descriptions, showing not telling, it could be very powerful.

Hi, Shaundeman! Let's get right to the review.

Grammar.

So I found a few errors, nothing too major. There were some commas missing, a quotation mark misplaced, some wrong word choice, but nothing crazily wrong. My suggestions for next time would be a bit of proofreading. I usually proofread by reading aloud. It helps. Here are a few examples of things I found:

“We captured them and examined them, but nothing else yet sir, the Mayor wanted you to be in charge,”

For this part, you'll want to insert a comma after the "yet." And for perfect grammar, you'll want to put either a period or semi-colon after "sir." This is because the two clauses have their own subjects and verbs, essentially making them their own sentences.

your welcome, More then one

Wrong word choice here. You want "You're" because it's the contraction form of "you are" and you also need "than" because "then" is a transition word akin to "next."

Harry city

Since "city" is part of the city's proper name, you should capitalize it. Think, 'New York City," or, "Jersey City."

One last thing, the last part you say "will soon return" and then in the next sentence say "it will take time." Those two sentences contradict. You might want to look at that.

Story

I rather like this concept. I'd like to see it expanded. Now, I agree with f1shes. You really should work on showing rather than telling. It will make this piece much more powerful. Also, my main suggestion is to do some research on military and its structure. A sergeant, unfortunately, wouldn't have the power you gave him in your story. I know it's science fiction, and it's not exactly realistic. Though, I think a realistic military structure, combined with the sci-fi elements
would make this piece amazing.

Haha, interesting concept indeed, although it reminds me of a true story some years back. There was a young boy (about 8 or 9) who was diagnosed with cancer, but he thought of it as asteroids and thought of the chemo he was getting as little rocketships being sent into his body. He ended up recovering relatively quickly.

Both of the previous reviewers are right, though: you need to work more on showing rather than telling. There's also some really stilted language in this work that made me cringe. For example:

Arrows whizzed through the air and landed among the invaders. Only a third of the arrows did actual damage. The General then became worried.

Combine the first two sentences into one. With the part in italics, just get rid of it. It's completely redundant.

So, what you need to do from here on out is just start crossing out anything unnecessary. And if you can say it using fewer words, then do so.

For future reference:
Unneeded Information by Suzanne

Hey Shaundeman! Here to review. : )

Shaundeman wrote:AFTER 98.6

“Sir, I have a report to make.”
“Yes Sergeant, what is it?”
“Intruders have been detected in Harry city,” The Sergeant replied.

Words like this are tricky. Technically, it shouldn't be capitalized, because it's not being used as a possessive or a name (I think that's how it goes...). Instead you're speaking about this person who is a sergeant. No capitals. If you were to say something like, "Sergeant Gray stormed into the command tent," then you capitalize, because that is the person's personal title.

“We captured them and examined them, but nothing else yet sir, the Mayor wanted you to be in charge,”

Woah, woah, woah! Back up! Take a deep breath! You need to split this up into separate sentences, because there is more than one complete thought in it.

I want you to raise an army quickly,” The General order.

Okay...? That's like saying, "Hey, go blow up that mountain right away!" Kind of an impossible request, right? Armies take weeks, months, years to assemble, and here you make it sound as if there's a bunch of fit young men waiting outside the tent to be recruited as necessary. It just wouldn't be possible.

Yes sir. And one more thing[One sentence] These intruders have a very thin armor on[One sentence].M y council is that we use arrows to take on our enemyWe already know that they're the enemy. No need to reiterate. .”

“That is very sensible of you Sergeant. Equip two thirds of the new recruits with bows and arrows. The rest will be regular ground units.”

Where's the General's thought process? He has a mind as well, one that we'd like to see being out to use.
So yeah...I have to cut this review short... Sorry. :/ Just watch out for these things in the future. Pay attention to what the others before me said; they're right!

This is an inventive piece. However, you should work on grammar, more description, punctuation and develop the charcters to make them more well rounded. Good job keep writing.