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Oxygen Thief



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Thu Jun 24, 2010 9:12 pm
SporkPunk says...



He lay on the hill, hands tucked behind his head. The soft blades of grass tickled the back of his neck. He looked skyward, dreamily watching the blue-grey clouds skulk across the light grey sky. The air smelled like rain. A soft breeze blew through the meadow, causing the leaves of the trees to dance lazily. A single bird cried out as it streaked across the sky. The boy closed his eyes and inhaled, a reluctant smile curling on his lips.

Peaceful days like this were hard to come by. So much fighting…the smile faded to a frown and his brow furrowed. He shook his head, as if trying to clear his mind and return to the tranquility the field offered. The cool, damp earth blanketed by lush grass stretched out, and he’d been lying there for so long that there were small depressions now forming under him. For the first time in days, no weeks, he’d let go of the worry, the anxiety, the all-consuming preoccupation with survival.

It hadn’t always been like this, the boy had been told by his father a few years before…he left. When the boy was but a baby, the cities had been bustling. Cars filled the streets, drowning out the sounds of nature with their awful engine drones and blaring horns. People spent the vast majority of their time in this virtual world called the Internet. Oh, the wonderful stories he knew about the Internet and computers! How millions of pieces of data, whatever those were, could be sent through the air, or through cables, at lightning fast speed! It was incredible. Nothing like that existed these days, and hadn’t since his own infancy. Because then, something went terribly wrong.

People began to get sick. And not like back in the village where old Helene could cure just about anything with a mixture of herbs or maybe a poultice. No, his mother said they were very, very sick. And they were violent. Both his mother and father said that nobody was sure what it was that caused these ill and dying people to lash out on others. But the boy had his own theories. Once, in the cellar of a friend’s house, he had watched Dawn of the Dead. It had seemed quite likely to him, and spoke to his parents of this theory. But as soon as he had uttered that word, his mother’s hand had clamped over his mouth and she’d shushed him. His father had barked at him to never, never, under any circumstances, say that word. Don’t even think it, he’d growled.

And the boy complied. From that day on, he avoided that word and everything connected to it. Until now, of course.

A crack! in the distance. The boy’s eyes opened. He knew that sound well. It wasn’t an animal lumbering around, but it wasn’t a firearm. He sat up, attempting to trace the sound to its source. He could see nothing. He swallowed, the blood in his veins rushing. This could be very, very bad. He took a breath and closed his eyes again to remain calm. It was nothing to worry about, he tried to convince himself. It was probably someone just like him, tired of dealing with the constant danger of the world.

Another crack. This time, there was also a rustling of leaves and of underbrush. And he could have sworn he heard a feral snarl among the line of trees. He stood up; it was best not to take chances. Even if it was a harmless animal, or an angry human…he was unarmed. And that was just like begging to be killed, or worse. As he stood up, the weightless feeling of fright and determination made getting his bearings awkward, combined with the lack of the familiar weight of his crowbar. He looked around, assessing how much time he had to leave before whatever was causing the racket would get to him. Another crack came, but this time, much to his chagrin, he had a visual.

It was a person alright. One of them. The ill, the mad, the inhuman shells of former humans who plagued his town, state, and world. He’d never seen one in real life before. Only in black market books and movies his friends had stolen, or had traded a great deal of gasoline or food for.

His only thought while rooted in place was, The illustrations were wrong. They had no exposed brains, vocal cords, or bones. No, they looked merely like greatly beaten, grotesquely feverish, hovering-on-death humans. This one was a female, maybe a few years older than him at the most. She was bruised and had gashes everywhere. Scabs oozed a substance, but it wasn’t the sickly yellow he’d been accustomed to seeing. It was a strange brownish-greenish, with tinges of black. The color reminded him of mold. He frowned in disgust. Dried blood, among other fluids, stained her once white sundress. Her long black hair hung in matted clumps, twigs and leaves, and undoubtedly bugs tangled throughout. She had several bald spots, a few of which were bleeding. One of her eyes was missing, as was a pinky. Oddly, her teeth were intact while her lips were torn to shreds.

He could no longer stomach facing her. He looked around again, knowing that if he ran the exact opposite way of her, he’d be able to make it. These things, though viciously relentless, were slow, which was no disappointment to him. He began to walk, so as not to alert the being of his presence more than he already had.

Not even six paces later, he heard another low moan. But this wasn’t from the female. One, it was lower, and two, it was to his right. She was behind him. The boy’s eyes darted to the direction of the sound, gaze met by another creature. This one an older male. The boy swallowed. He had to get out. Now.

He bolted. His legs pounded against the earth; thankfully the thick grass muffled the sound of his boots. His arms pumped smoothly, and his breathing became even. He thanked whoever was left in charge of his godforsaken life for his running ability. His mind calmed as he focused on the path ahead. Soon, he’d reach a road. From there, it was a right turn, then a left on a dirt path. Three hundred yards along this path, the first watch towers of his village would emerge from the dense foliage.

Then, he’d be safe.

He continued to run, inhaling and exhaling, allowing his mind to blank. He focused on his body parts. Legs, arms, lungs, eyes. Ears. He stayed alert to his changing surroundings. The moans and cracking and shuffling were closing in on him. He felt like an idiot for daring to leave the village without any protection. Trees, rocks, weeds, and bushes flashed past him as he sprinted to the road.

He wouldn’t allow himself to panic. This kind of stuff happened all the time now, anyway. Just last week his friend was ambushed by a couple of them. But then again, he was armed and was able to take them down, then run. The boy wasn’t. He couldn’t possibly face them without being mercilessly torn apart, or some how infected. At least with his crowbar, he stood more of a chance of surviving, or at least taking some out with him. He continued to curse his stupidity and lack of foresight the rest of the way home.

He reached the village, and didn’t notice that the watchtowers were empty. He just ran, the muscles in his legs and arms, and sides now shrieking in pain, and his lungs crying out with each exhale.

He slowed down and jogged to the small, squat house he shared with his family, all thought processes erased. He just wanted water, a rest, and his mother. The fright he’d blocked until this point crashed into his consciousness. It hit him like a brick and he stopped dead in his tracks. He was pinned to the spot, the only thing he could think, I’m just a kid. And I’m going to die. I’mgoingtodiei’mgoingtodieI’mgoingtodie.

He scanned the village. It was silent. Everyone must be locked up in their houses, they must know of them. He proceeded to his door, finding it unlocked. He stepped inside, cautiously. Silently. Everything was as it should be, and he filled with relief. He walked further into the house. He heard something.

Shuffling. Scraping. A groan.

He ran up the stairs, throwing caution to the wind, bellowing and beginning to cry, “MOM!”


Also, I'm in need of title ideas. I don't really know if my current one fits. xD
Last edited by SporkPunk on Sat Jun 26, 2010 1:31 am, edited 2 times in total.
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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Thu Jun 24, 2010 11:01 pm
Shaundeman says...



I assume these are zombies you are writing about. I'm not sure how they are considered oxygen suckers, but I like that you are trying to veer from cliche titles like "Dawn of the Dead" and such. I personally am not into zombies, but if that's what you like, and if you can make it original I say go for it.
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Thu Jun 24, 2010 11:12 pm
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lilymoore says...



Spork Punk, I officially love your username. And I’m Lily! *gives a cookie* Welcome!
And I’m not just here to tell you that. I’m here to review you as well. Mostly because I told myself I couldn’t change the channel from The Tyra Banks Show until I finished one review. The horror!!! :D

First off, I’ll mention the title, since you said that you were looking for ideas. Because, well, titles don’t always have to make sense. If you read this article, you’ll see a lot of great points to consider when titling a short story. But honestly, this one grabbed my attention. I didn’t really make sense to the story, but that doesn’t always matter, at least to me.

And of course, one little nitpicks. There are always nitpicks to be picked.

He lied on the hill, hands tucked behind his head.


This is the wrong word choice here. ‘Lied’ means ‘to have given false statement.’ You want ‘lay’ here. It may sound funny but Joy Sauce explains it all here.


The only issue I had with this is that it started off very slowly. If you spend too long with a ‘pondering character’ you can end up boring readers so be careful. It’s always important to try and start a story off with action in almost any chase. Movement in the story will keep the readers brain going and envisioning this character and his movements.

The last thing I would note is with this paragraph:
A nd the boy complied. From that day on, he avoided that word and everything connected to it. Until now, of course. But his father would never know. He’d left. Not that long ago, but long enough for the boy. He was beginning to forget how his father dressed and carried himself, the sound of his feet clunking up the stairs, the way his voice could be jovial and fluid at one time, livid and gravelly the next. His mother assured him that the boy was his father’s spitting image, but for one reason or another, the child was never fully convinced. Maybe it was his older brother, who acted just like their father. Taciturn, sort of clumsy. He obviously looked like their father, while the boy knew he possessed his mother’s sandy hair and plain, brown eyes, though hers had dulled with the absence of his father…oh, how the boy missed him….


It’s a very bulky sentence and I think it holds a lot of information that you don’t really need in a short story. When you write a short story, you don’t have to give nearly as much back story as you would if you were writing a novel.

But I think the idea here was good and proof that YWS needs a Horror Section. :D
Good luck, Spork, and happy writing!

~lilymoore
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Thu Jun 24, 2010 11:24 pm
GoldenQuill says...



Hallo! Aushy here! :} Nice to meet you, and welcome to YWS.

Grammar Yeah, I know. But, it must be attended to.

He stood up, it was best not to take chances.

That comma should most likely either be a period or a semicolon, whichever is better to your taste.

His only thought, while rooted in place, The illustrations were wrong.

Either 'His only thought while rooted in place was,' or 'His only thought, while rooted in place: The...'

He could no longer stomach facing her, her stench was creeping toward him, to where he stood.

This sentence is very awkwardly written. I suggest either: 'He could no longer stomach facing her. Her stench was creeping toward him.' or 'He could no longer stomach facing her; her stench was creeping toward him.' In either of these choices, you can add on 'to where he stood,' but I definitely think the sentence sounds better without it.

These things, though viciously relentless, were slow. Which was no disappointment to him.

Try putting them together in one sentence, separated by a comma, for perfect grammar. :}

His legs pounded against the earth, thankfully the thick grass muffled the sound of his boots.

Period or semi-colon.

Trees and bushes, rocks and weeds, flashed past him as he sprinted to the road.

Trees, bushes, rocks, and weeds. (Though I like your way better, kehe.)

Okay. That's it.

NOW, time for the fun part.

The Actual Storyline
*wildly claps*

This was great! Amazing! Wonderful! Gah!

I'm not big on the whole 'zombie' thing as well, but I really enjoyed this, because it's really amazing. I also like how we don't know his name yet. That just made me smile.

I couldn't find anything wrong with it other than those few grammical errors. Great job, and keep writing!

If you ever need a review again, (or if you post more of this up) please PM me, post it to my Guestbook thingie, or come to my tropical shack!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

*clicks like, follow, and submit*
formerly ZlyWilk

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Sun Jun 27, 2010 5:55 am
Tatra says...



The title was what made me click on the story, though I do agree with the other reviewers that it doesn't really fit with the story. But, it still is an awesome title. :D And this was an awesome story. I like how you didn't know it was a zombie story at first, but then it was slowly revealed.

I have to say that I really loved your descriptions at the beginning of the story. It is a bit of a slow start, but you have a lovely way of describing things and it drew me in.

I do have a question about this statement, here:
Nothing like that existed these days, and hadn’t since his own infancy.
The internet hasn't existed since around the time that he was born, medicine women have taken over treatment for sick people, but he was still able to watch Shaun of the Dead? I really love the descriptions and the references to pop culture, but it makes me curious about your world.

Because then, something went terribly wrong.
I don't really think that comma is needed. Maybe if you made a distinction about the time that happened, like 'Because at that time, something went terribly wrong.' But, otherwise it really doesn't fit.

Even if it was a harmless animal, or an angry human…he was unarmed.
I think a comma would work just as well as an ellipse.

As he stood up, the weightless feeling of fright and determination, combined with the lack of the familiar weight of his crowbar, made getting his bearings awkward.
Moving that part of the sentence back makes things flow better, although you might want to also use hyphens to set it apart.

One, it was lower, and two, it was to his right.
Do you mean that the tone of the moan was lower, or was the actual figure lower? And, yes, this is really nitpicky. :D

But then again, his friend was armed and was able to take them down, then run.
Since the boy is unnamed and referred to by the pronoun 'he,' you might want to keep the two apart.

And, on the one hand, I do love the ending, but on the other, I would feel like there should be something more to let us know that his mom was a zombie now. Of course, if his mom is a zombie, that makes me wonder about a bunch of other things that then seem like inconsistencies. It makes me wonder if the boy was merely blocking everything out, although the run to the village says otherwise. Other questions that pop into my mind with this: How long does it take for people to turn into the zombies? How long was the boy gone for? Why didn't he take the crowbar with him? Why does he carry the crowbar with him before this if he hadn't run into any zombies before this?

Anyway, this is a very interesting story. I like the description of how the boy meets his first zombie and then finds how foolish he is. And I like how it's a nice little glimpse into this world with a zombie apocalypse. And, of course I'm still curious as to what's happening in the village.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions and good luck with your writing.

- Tatra
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Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

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Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:20 am
Lavvie says...



Hi SporkPunk,

First, it does seem like you're writing about zombies, which I'm not a fan of really, but I was pulled in immediately by the first sentence.

Second, you have little wrong with this. You have a great way with describing things and your imagery is wonderful! Sure, I wasn't into reading the almost gory section of this piece (I practically skipped it), but the rest was nice. A few things I noticed:

A crack! sounded in the distance.


It's smoother with my addition and doesn't seem so much as a fragmented sentence anymore.

It wasn’t an animal lumbering around, butand it wasn’t a firearm.


Corrected this. "But" implies something different, as if you were to say: "It sounded like a gunshot, but it wasn't a firearm." Animals and firearms are nothing to be compared to each other.

He continued to run, inhaling and exhalingbreathing heavily, allowing his mind to blank.


I would be surprised if he wasn't inhaling and exhaling. It's what us humans do :) I thought what I added made more sense.

He focused on his body parts. Legs, arms, lungs, eyes. Ears.


This is very weird. I suggest deleting the whole thing. It's redundant for where it is and adds no description at all. Not needed at all.

That's really the only things that popped out at me. Others already seemed to cover most of it :)

Lavvi


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Sun Jul 18, 2010 1:30 pm
Prosithion says...



well, everyone else gave you a lengthy critique, so I'll keep mine short and sweet.

Yea Zombies! I like zombie stories, and this one did not disappoint. However, one thing that really boggled my mind was that if this is the world now, where zombies roam the earth eating people's brains, then why on Earth would the kid not bring a weapon of some kind? That would definitely be a top priority for me.

Out of curiosity, why is there a cracking sound when the zombies got the munchies?

Other then that, I don't really have any other complaints. I didn't look much at the grammar aspect of it, but I like the description, the fast pace, pretty much everything about it. If there is, or will be more of this, then I definitely want to read it.
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Fri Nov 05, 2010 2:22 pm
Cspr says...



With all the fellow Grammar Nazis (I bet you just saw a sudden G-shaped swastika) above, I shall go nice on you. :)

1. That kid is a moron. Even I look around for the first weapon when I enter a room. But that's probably because I've seen zombies in the guise of hobos/druggies on my porch before--and probably because I've been attacked by a mentally ill person. But, in other news, inform your character to carry a weapon from now on. Yes, I know that makes no sense... Basically, just try to make him act appropriately to the danger levels in the future... I mean, he could be just young and I could just have epic paranoia but...

2. What made the cracking sound? ...A breaking neck? ...A twig? I must know!

3. You may have some grammatical errors, but this was really good. If you would, I'd love to see you continue it. "The Forest of Hands and Teeth" was a new YA book, but it wasn't logical. This is pretty logical. Human bodies don't decay very fast, after all...or at least, not that fast. I think that goes for most zombie works.

4. I definitely liked it, even though I'm not too big of zombie fan--mostly because I've looked half-dead myself in another life. The character pulled me in and your writing is quite, well, beautiful for a zombie book.

So, yeah. Keep it up and maybe write another chapter, please? I'd love a continuation...
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