Young Writers Society

The year is 3001, and mankind has advanced beyond imagination. They have made contact with many alien species and have invented many new things. But they will need more than technology in order to survive what is to come...

* * *

A man ran down a corridor, both blood and sweat were wetting his brow. Daringly he would lurch sideways to dodge bursts of laser and try to shake his pursuers. In his hand he held a computer chip, the key to the survival of the known universe. He felt something squeezing his throat, but he couldn't see anything. He turned a corner and skidded to a halt; the vultrinos had cut him off. The ones that were chasing him closed off his escape route from the back. The pressure around his throat ceased, and chains coiled themselves around him.
"You will see our lord," said a vultrino in a cold, robotic voice. They resembled robotic torsos with domes for heads. The domes had three horns protruding from the top, and three glowing lenses. The torsos were fixed at the waist to treads. A voice box could be seen sticking out as well. All were rusted.
"Fine," said the man. His name was Gregory Tailgunner (Greg for short), and he was in trouble. He was marched into a ship, then was put into a stasis tube. When next he awoke, there was an armored prison vehicle waiting to deliver him.
At the end of an unseen journey, a vultrino brought him into some sort of royal chamber.
"Captain Gregory Tailgunner," said the vultrino that brought him to a royal chamber, "Is charged with attempted infiltration of an armored starship."
Greg tried to hide his pleasure, for they had not discovered that his mission was successful, and their dream of destroying all other life would be just a dream. He was surprised to hear a high, squeaky voice answer him.
"What do you have to say for yourself, human?" He was even more surprised to see that it came from what looked like The Lord vultrino. The Lord's body was replaced with several metal tentacles. Greg couldn't help but laugh at the voice of the so-called almighty leader of the most dangerous race alive. The Lord shot forward and snatched up the captain. Greg felt immense pain as his muscles moved against his will, his mind wondered hopelessly if there was any end to the powers that the vultrinos possessed.
"You wish, you pathetic life form," The Lord said, answering his thought. He dropped Greg and went back to his throne. "Throw him in the dungeon; he does not deserve either the attention or time of this court."
The captain's mouth dropped open. "This is supposed to be a court?! This is inhuman!" he said.
"Get used to it," said a vultrino as he yanked Greg down a corridor. On the way through the work areas, he saw many frighteningly advanced pieces of equipment hovering too and fro. The vultrinos definitely were the ones controlling them to do that. Greg was then unceremoniously dumped in a prison cell with a dirty old man. After storming around the room in frustration, Greg cautiously said, "I thought the vultrinos didn't take prisoners."
The man slowly looked up, and then wheezed, "I only wish that were true."
"Why?" Greg inquired.
"Because then I would be dead, and no one would be here to ask me stupid questions!" The man then gave a wheezy laugh, and Greg angrily turned back to the bars.
"But don't you want to escape? Don't you have friends out there?" He asked, exasperated.
The man looked at the floor, as if this was an upsetting subject. After a while, Greg considered apologizing for bringing up something this sad.
"I ain't got nothing to live for." said the man. Greg was surprised.
"At least tell me where you came from." Greg said. The man thought, then shifted and began his tale.
"I come from the future, and my entire life was ruined by some idiot who invented auto correct for life. You see, I was a Guru, you know, someone who helps people with their problems. But when that stupid thing was invented, I lost my job. So I hopped in a time machine, punched in some coordinates, and here I am." The man sighed, and Greg got an idea.
"You like helping people? Then I got a job for you..."
Some Time Later...
A vultrino sped along the corridor. There were seldom vultrinos that could have the honor of fetching the prisoner for execution. However, the robotic menace had the rising sense that something was wrong. Sure enough, when he reached the cell, he couldn't see the prisoners. He knew very well that vultrinos were supreme, and that if he didn't see the prisoners, then they weren't there. In a panic, he sped back down the corridor to alert The Lord. The cell bars, being programmed to do so, opened to let the prisoner be taken for execution. Only the escort wasn't there. Greg and the Guru stepped out, looked around, and tried to find an escape pod. They were careful to avoid the work areas, where there were hundreds of the frightening robots. The sound of an enraged vultrino patrol followed them. They reached, entered and launched an escape pod just in time. The Guru had based their escape plan on the fact that vultrinos have ordinary sight, but they can sense electrical activity. By blocking their electrical transmissions and hiding them visibly, the Guru had made it seem that they weren't there. He applied this principle now by shutting off all the power he could in the escape pod, at least until they were out of range. He turned to Greg.
"You do realize that we will have to go into hiding and use no electronic devices. There should be a planet nearby..."
Greg thought, Although that may have been a horrifying experience, it was not all in vain. He turned the computer part over in his hands.

The End?

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This is my best work so far! Hope you enjoy !
Please leave reviews!

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

THE END?! It can't be the end! He's almost escaped! He has the chip! Everything is going great, how can it be the end? What is the chip for? Please! Don't end it here! Keep going!

Okay! Here I go.

First, you should describe the vultrinos more! I get that they are evil and can control people [?] but what do they look like! They are a type of alien no one has heard about yet because you made them up so give me some description! You got the Lord down; his body is completely replaced with metal tentacles, but is that the case for every other vultrinos?

Second, you did a great job of making it seem futuristic with the lasers, the escaped pods and the chip. So good job and maybe add in a few other things.

You announce Greg Tailgunner as a name that's supposed to be recognizable, yet I have never heard about him nor do I know much background on him. Now you may be waiting to tell more later if you write more, but as of now I don't know who he is, where he came from. Maybe just add a few details here and there to give me a little background. Also, why is he running from the vultrinos? I get that they are bad, but what has he done to make them mad at him?

You capitalize almost everything the vultrinos say. Why? It doesn't tell us it's a different race speaking, it just seems annoying and makes me think they are constantly shouting [which could be the case]. Instead of making it look different, describe the difference with words. And the "Lord" always talks in italics. What's so different about his speaking than his people's/minions'?

You've done a good job on catching my attention and wanting to know what the chip does, who Greg is and the old Guru's part in all of this. So great job! If you add a few details or description to the ship, the prison cell etc. instead of just corridors and bars and stuff, and maybe fix a few things here and there, it will be great!

These are all suggestions since I'm not good at pointing out grammar and things, so take what you want from this and change what you think needs changed. And keep writing!

-Narniafreak!
P.S. if you have questions, put up more, need a review for anything or need anything else feel free to message me. Thanks!

Thanks! I am a new writer and I appreciate any help!

Hey! I'm Jet, here for a sci-fi review at last. It seems like you have an interesting story building here, and if your title's anything to go by it looks only to get better, but you have a few issues with language that're crying out for some attention.

NB: I apologise if you find this harsh. I'm hoping you take it as the advice it's intended to be!

Dialogue

This is a very common problem, unfortunately. Punctuating dialogue correctly is an important skill, and I'd argue one of the most important when you're posting your work online. If you punctuate it correctly, you're sending out a message that you've spent time learning and ensuring your work is as "correct" as writing can be before posting it. A reader trips up on these mistakes, so it's best to catch them as soon as possible. I can't tell from this piece as to whether you're struggling with dialogue or just not proof-reading thoroughly. If it's the latter, I'd encourage you to start doing so. When I review, it's always good when I don't have to worry about the basics.

Here is a guide on how to punctuate dialogue. I suggest you refer to it while proof-reading to ensure you're getting it right. I'll give you a couple of examples here as to where you've gone wrong.

The man slowly looked up, and then wheezedcomma "I only wish that were true."

"I ain't got nothing to live forcomma" said the man.

Greg thoughtcomma Although that may have been a horrifying experience, it was not all in vain.

I think those are the main types of dialogue punctuation you've come across here.

The other half of this dialogue section comes under language in general, I suppose. You don't have an aversion to said, but even when you use it you seem to feel the need to clarify it with an adverb. Then there's the several synonyms you use for dialogue tags. Don't struggle too much with these tags; sometimes, they're not necessary at all. It's often better to describe the movements a character makes rather than try to attribute a tone to their voice. Well, I speak very generally. Search The Knowledge Base for some guides on using said, or even just google it. It's a fairly common issue, as I said.

Tension, Action and Emotion

Quite a lot happens in this short segment, but your writing doesn't reflect it. The worst offender is the opening paragraph. A lot of your sentences are short and fairly bland, and the paragraph is rife with comma splices, like this one.

He turned a corner and skidded to a halt, the vultrinos had cut him off.

Here, instead of a comma, you should use a semi-colon or full stop to separate the two points.

It's very important, especially in the opening paragraph, to draw the reader in, and you have so much potential for doing so. It's an exciting situation and we're plunged straight into it, but for your writing to do it justice, you have to pull out all the stops. Vary your sentence structure, use your vocabulary and description, and perhaps head along to a few "action sequence" tutorials. They're very difficult to write, and I speak as someone who often skips them anyway. There are some die hard adventure fiction enthusiasts here who'd probably be more helpful. As it is, I'll pick out the sentence which struck me most as flippant in the face of an intense scene.

Occasionally he would lurch sideways to dodge bursts of laser and try to shake his pursuers.

You used "occasionally"! "Occasionally" is a word you use to describe friends who visit for afternoon tea once every few weeks. It's not really a word you use for a full-blown action sequence in which a man is dodging laser beams. This needs to be more fluid.

The other phrase I'd apply is "show, don't tell". It's difficult to explain, but basically, rely more on imagery to do the talking rather than simply relating events to us. In real life, we have all five senses working overtime to give us the world we see around us. As the writer, you're acting as all of those senses, and we're not even supposed to notice you doing it. It's about subtlety, and again, I'd recommend you look for some tutorials which would explain it better.

Transitions

There are several asterisks here to indicate a scene change. This isn't a TV show, and you don't have the luxury of simply cutting. If you can write in a transition, smoothly, it's better for the reader because s/he doesn't have to stop and start in the middle of the story. Sometimes, such as when Greg is tossed into a cell, it's completely unnecessary to add the asterisks at all. You could have just continued straight on.

As a final note, I'm not sure what the first two lines are there for. They don't really serve a purpose.

Anyway, I might move on to the next couple of parts if I have a moment, as I want to see where this goes. I'm sorry if I came off as harsh; I haven't reviewed sci-fi in a while and thought I'd get into one. Good luck with any editing you do and in the rest of your writing.

- Jet.

Yeah, I was not really confident in my work. I am still a rookie, and I don't yet know all the tricks.
Thanks! And don't worry, you didn't put me down !
I would always like to try to stick a small intro to the beginning of every story. But if it has a negative impact, then I suppose it could go.
If you get around to viewing the other installments, you will notice that I used the asterisks to signal the beginning and end of a flashback. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THEY WERE BETTER PLACED THERE

hmmm, I like the premise. I'm intrigued as to what happens next, and also, what happened before.

A couple of quibbles though.

"Captain Gregory Tailgunner," said the vultrino that brought him to a royal chamber, "Is charged with attempted infiltration of an armored starship."

how do they know his name? perhaps you should include a part about them finding out who he is.

"You wish, you pathetic life form," The Lord said, answering his thought. He dropped Greg and went back to his throne. "Throw him in the dungeon; he does not deserve either the attention or time of this court."

These are robots, correct? they seem unusually emotive and well, human. Maybe tone down their emotional outbursts a little.

However, the robotic menace had the rising sense that something was wrong. Sure enough, when he reached the cell, he couldn't see the prisoners. In a panic, he sped back down the corridor to alert The Lord. The cell bars, being programmed to do so, opened to let the prisoner be taken for execution. Only the escort wasn't there. Greg and the Guru stepped out, looked around, and tried to find an escape pod.

There are a few problems I have with this passage. First, and this is going back to what I said about the robots being too emotive, it seems as though the vultrino has an almost ESP. This might be fine, if it is supposed to be that way, since you used something like this with the lord vultrino when he read Greg's thoughts, but it stands out as awkward. Secondly, if the escort couldn't see the prisoners, I think he would naturally enter the cell, not leave. This part seems a little unbelievable. Lastly, why are there no other vultrino's around, the rest of your story has them waltzing to an escape pod, yes with a pursuit, but you mentioned earlier that the halls were filled with machines.


Other then the things I mentioned, I like it, and look forward to reading more.

-Prosithion

Thanks, I really appreciate your help!
About the vultrinos being too emotive, the later installments will explain that part. And knowing his name? Well, I hoped the ESP would explain that. But, I can change it if it would sound better! Maybe they are so self confident, they thought that if they couldn't see anything, then nothing was there. Does that sound plausible?
Now that you mention it, it does seem kind of odd that they would waltz to the escape pod. I will have to think about that. I don't think that evil robots would have work hours, so there goes that idea !
Thanks again!

I think this a good draft. You should proof read more and use more description to describe the characters and settings.
Good job
Keep writing