Young Writers Society

Something I threw together one day.


A world’s history rested on our shoulders the General had said to us just a day before. Strange how long ago that really felt. . .

I am a United States Army SAPRT (Space and Planetary Reconnaissance Trooper). Zak Ruoper is my name, the FNG and Inter and Outer Planetary “Helo” pilot. One does not simply achieve a status such as this over night. I spent the better part of three years training, learning, to be the best. I studied past battles plans. I learned how our predecessors fought for freedom when this dream wasn’t even in spitting distance when it was thought up. How we stormed the beaches of Normandy in WWII. How we faced down many with numbers so few. I graduated March 5, 2155, the proudest day of my life. But now I am here on this planet. This is our Normandy and I am here to see it through.

-One day ago
0500 hours, May 17, 2157
Plant Earth
UNSE (United Nations Space Embassy) HQ
Mess Hall

“Hello Soldiers,” boomed the deep voice of General Marez which rebounded off the thick, tan marble walls of the mess hall amplifying his voice. The General was a tall man of respectable stature. He had a long scar on his left cheek that ran from his eyebrow to about level with the end of his nose. His brown eyes had seen the death of many men and because of this never seem to blink. The brown hair atop his head was graying slightly due to the many stressful decisions his career forced him to make. He wore simple ACUs adapted for 22nd century use. The gold five stars of a general rank shimmering in the twilight of the mess hall hung from his left shoulder.

“Hello, Sir!” yelled the company of United States Army SAPRTs, the audience to this mission briefing, in a ensemble of mismatched and out of sync voices.

“Y’all haven’t the slightest idea why you’re here so let cut the BS and get straight to the point.”

General Marez paused to collect his thoughts.

“About an hour ago we lost contact with a research station on Mars. Take a look-see.”

He motioned to a HOLO-TV which was suspended on a wall to his right. The floating pixels shimmered in an array of colors before turning into a dark skinned man’s face. The soldier had a long gash across his forehead that was dripping blood into his eyes. A look of exhaustion was plastered to his face and the fact he had to constantly yell over sporadic gun fire told that he was in the middle of a war zone.

“THIS IS SGT. MOORES OF THE 36th ARMY BATTION STATIONED AT REASEARCH BASE ELEVEN FIVE NINE. WE ARE CURRENTLY UNDER ATTACK BY UNKNOWN HOSTILES! SEND REIENFORCEMENTS WERE UNDER ATTACK BY UKN-”

The “screen” went black.

“And to this very moment that is all we’ve heard from Research Base 11-5-9,” whispered General Marez.

The General let the statement hang in silence for several seconds before continuing.

“Guess what you lucky boys get to do. Y’all get to board the USS Texas and figure out what the hell is going on out there in that little lonely corner of space. Departure is in about three hours. Pack. Then get your backsides back down here and learn the “battle plan” which is currently in the tweaking stage. Then you do what SAPRTs do best. Defend the front lines. Remember. Whatever is out there an entire world’s history rests on your shoulders don’t disappoint. But I’m sure you little girls won’t. Hooah!”

“HOOAH,” the SAPRTs shouted back.

And with that said Marez turned and walked out of the room as we all stood and saluted.

There was something about the way he said that last statement that go me thinking. But were SAPRTs we can handle it.

Three hours till D-Day. Hooah!


-Present Time
01300 Hours, May 18, 2157
Planet Mars
Middle of Hell


Ding. Thump. Who am I?

Blackness.

Am I dead?

No. Open your eyes.

Who am I?

Your CW3 Zak Ruoper of the United States Army SAPRTs. FNG (Freaking New Guy).

Where’s my bird?

I open my eyes. Vision is. . . cloudy. I see red. Where am I? Mars. . . that’s right. My bird? I stand shaking from head to foot. I try to walk. Something is dragging behind me. An airless chute. Damn that’s right birds gone. I got the eject light and?

I fall. The memories flood back with little detail. My co-pilot shouting something about a strange enemy fighter. Hull breach. Venting oxygen. Damn. Troops deployed in their landing pods. Good news. Got the eject light and ding. Thump. Hit the ground hard. Now I am here.

My vision begins to clear. I am lying on my belly. I push my self up. Ignoring the pain in both legs I stand to survey my surroundings. An endless waste land of red rock comes into focus. Nothing but a small hump that I can tell by the way she’s burning that it’s my UH-t54 Spacer to break the hellish landscape.

Martian atmospheric power red flames are shooting up out of the massive energy burn in the top side of the Spacer cutting through the dull black “paint” finished hull. What did this? Not much left of her now though. Need to find . . . others. My mind still a’int working.

The speakers in my helmet begin making noise.

“*phhhssss*. . . Ruoper. . .*phsss* you-- right ---need your--- ah what the hell is--- AHHH!”

The rescue signal stopped as quickly as it started and I don’t know what to think of it.

My mind isn’t working. I said that right? Did that broadcast end with a scream? Who was that.

I fall.

I feel the all to familiar world of unconscious force its way back into my head.

Blackness.

Silence.

Am I floating?

Hi Skillful!

This was a fun read. You've got the space-soldier-adventurer voice down, and, as a result, this was really easy for me, as a reader, to get into. I still got a few suggestions for you, though.

First: don't forget to proofread before you post. Reading aloud will keep you from skipping over lines accidentally and as fix typos and spelling errors and such. And, having a piece free of errors makes readers happy, and happy readers are more likely to review, and reviews = good. If you've fixed the spelling errors and typos but can't figure out the tricks and flips of grammar (commas, for instance,) find a resident grammar specialist (*cough* I'm one *cough*) and I'm sure she'll be willing to help out.

Second: I notice that you use the same sentence structure throughout almost all of the first part of the piece. It's Subject (He, she, I, the group, etc.) Verb Rest-Of-The-Stuff. And while Subject Verb Rest-of-the-Stuff is the core sentence of the English language, one after the other makes dry storytelling. So, try to vary up the structures more, and vary up sentence length too. If you do it consciously and actively for long enough, it becomes second nature to you.

Oh, and before I forget--great use of fragments and tense in the second part of the piece. But, I'm a bit confused about the very ending. Is he falling again, or reliving the previous fall? Was he knocked unconscious? I dunno. And while some vagueness and ambiguity is good, too much just makes your reader feel as if s/he missed something, and so s/he read the passage over and over again instead of turning the page. So, maybe be a bit more clear? Is he sick? Was he attacked? Give us more of his thoughts and feelings so we can at least make an educated guess.

And... that's it for now! Again, I love the voice in this. Let me know if you'd like any further explanation or help or anything!

Rach

Hey SkillfulAmerica,

Your story sounds pretty interesting, but there are a few things to address in order to make it better. Firstly, the introduction is a little dull. I feel like upon being introduced to the character, the style of the introduction wasn't unique. How about meeting the character under different circumstances? In the beginning, there's a lot of telling, not showing, and I want to be shown the character. His voice needs a little bit of work, too, but I DO like the tidbits that you included to make the character unique. Knowing he researched the war and his predecessors allows me to understand that he's someone who takes his status as a soldier very seriously.

I was bothered by the mention of a "dark skinned man" showing up on the screen with the message. Firstly, it's a little unoriginal to address him as such, and it gives no added character to the man. What was the point of announcing his description when it had nothing to do with the message? Be careful of that--extra descriptions are sometimes extraneous.

Overall, I liked how you formatted it like diary entries over the course of days, and I thought you handled the ending well. Keep going. You've got a good start going here!

Thanks for the reviews.