Young Writers Society

The setting sun lit the final dying sky like the embers of a burning burial pile. The intense and electrifying beauty was somewhat subdued by the end of the world.
Adrian and Constance sat on two stripy deck chairs on the beach. The crossword lay across Adrian’s lap as he sipped a rum and slightly flat coke. He played with the lidless biro in his left hand dropping it onto the newspaper every so often.
“Barrow,” Constance said suddenly.
“What?” Adrian moved slightly, his heavy eyelids being dragged up for a moment and a look of confusion passed over his relaxed face.
“Seven across, ancient burial mound found on open moor lands, six letters”
“Oh right, yep, fits." Adrian lifted the pen, found the space and filled the empty squares.
“What’s the next question?” Constance asked.
“Mythological men of the apocalypse, how very apt, it’s in four down as well” Adrian shifted the paper to allow a more comfortable resting surface and put ‘HORSEMEN’ in block capitals into the slot.

The solitary couple sat in silence for a while watching the red sky, Adrian began dismantling the pen now the crossword was complete and Constance topped up the two empty glasses on the sand between the chairs.
“I wonder how it will all end,” Constance asked all of a sudden
“We’re going to be incinerated,” Adrian replied matter-of-factly.
“How did you work that out then?”
“Because the sun is rising, it’s about 25˚c and we’re are sitting on the beach. It is also mid-winter, forecast to rain, and three in the morning. Oh yeah and the ice keeps melting and making the coke go flat”
“Fair enough, is it three already?”
“Quarter too”

Again the couple sat in silence. The now empty rum bottle tipped over and filled with water as the heavy tide came in, the bottle drifted away and the icy water swallowed their feet. Slowly the water became warmer along with the air.

Constance picked up her book and began to read the last couple of pages and Adrian set to on a Sudoku he had left earlier.

As the temperature reached just bearable Constance put down her book, reached over and poked Adrian who was slowly drifting into the realms of sleep. Adrian woke with a start and tapped Constance’s hand.
“Mmm” he mumbled before opening his eye completely. They sat holding hands watching the dawn one more time.

As the rays hit the beach everything ignited, Adrian had been correct. The searing white heat burned everything, spreading like a thick bright fog. Everything was gone by the time the sun set again that night.

Hello Sun,

You've got a nice concept going on, and I really like the relaxed, placid atmosphere through this story, what with the usual "oh noes the world is ending panic!" thing. However, there are a couple things that I think could be improved on.

For one, I found your start too abrupt.

The intense and electrifying beauty was somewhat subdued by the end of the world.

It's a too blunt, and kills any suspense or tension there could be. I do realize it does offer a hook to keep the reader in despite the following succession of trivial happenings, but it comes off as clumsy, and I think there could be better ways to convey the idea across. Just hints, nudges, a few strange things that'd pique our curiosity and keep us going without hitting us over the head with the end of the world at the end of the second sentence.

At the same time, your ending, that "searing white heat" that burns everything down, sounds weird to me when put next to Constance's “I wonder how it will all end”. If it's that bad, why wouldn't she have know? It's a bit unbelievable. Not to mention that Adrian's explanations do make it perfectly obvious, leaving me to wonder whether or not she has eyes or observational skills at all.

The characters also seem very flat. I will agree that limited external third-person makes it hard to characterize properly, but just some vague insight in what they're thinking other than this complete acceptance would be much appreciated.

On a more minor note, I find your sentence structure a bit long at times, and it could stand to be broken up in smaller sentences or reformulated to improve the flow. Also reconsider the use of some dialogue tags: "replied matter-of-factly" comes off as redundant, and you shouldn't have to spell it out to us. You also have a couple of typos that could be caught with some proofreading ("Quarter too" should be "Quarter to", for example), and some punctuation problems (lacking periods at the end of dialogue lines).

Nice job, still.

This was a nice piece.. I really like how the tone contrasts so well with the topic.. how the pace is nice and slow, while it's the end of the world. However- there was one thing I think could be changed: your description. It's very pretty the way that you have it worded now. However.. it's really simply put. It's blatant. It doesn't flow. I had to reread the first sentence three times to picture what was going on, to get into the story and set the scene. It just didn't really work. I would try adding in more description, but do it subtly.. description should always further the plot.. you shouldn't stop and think, "Okay, this is the setting." It just is.


Other than that.. really nice piece. I liked the idea behind it and the way you conveyed it. Well done.


Coral

This was interesting. They accepted the end of their world so calmly! I like how you ended it, too--you just implied what happened, and left the details to the reader's imagination, which in this case worked very well.

Your first sentence didn't hook me the way it should have. I found myself skimming the first paragraph, which should not be happening. I also think you could set the scene a little earlier on in the story--it wasn't clear to me until halfway through where they were.

And also, don't these people have any reaction to the end of the world at all? I like the calm mood, but maybe you could have them reminiscing or something like that? Or are they happy the world is ending? Why? Add a little more emotion.

I liked your style; it flowed very well. This was a pretty good piece overall. Good job. Keep writing.

Hiya, Pink here!

Alright, I liked it. The idea of the end of world, nice. I liked your characters and how it seemed as if they didn't really care or they had gotten over the idea and accepted their deaths. Now, my main concern with this piece was how little you explained things. You gave us a scene but no background knowledge to answer our questions. Since it's a short story, not too much information is needed but just a little bit would have been fine. I though the crossword puzzle had a few answers but everything was still a little hazy in my mind. I also agree with what others have said about the beginning and their feelings. Although, setting all that aside I do think this is an interesting piece and definitely had fun reading it.

~Pink

Hey Sun.

Just a short rundown of what I thought. Well, you created a nice atmosphere with your writing, also I enjoyed the concept you're trying to get across with your story. I like your work, keep up the writing

This was a very interesting concept. I loved the detail of it. How the ice melting made the coke flat and the inclusion of what the answers to the crossword were. Though the beginning is a little abrupt. We don't need to know what's going to happen by the second line. Then what's the point of reading it? But the best part is that they're sitting on the beach drinking rum and cokes at 3 am. That part made me smile.