Young Writers Society

Removed

Wow. This was - this was AMAZING!

I really don't think that I'll be able to "tear it apart" like you wanted but I'll tell you what my thoughts on it were

I absolutely loved the narrator; her sadistic nature with a rise and lowering of her tone. I also loved the concept of her narrating the story through "Instructions". This was a very original piece that pointed out many real-world values. This can easily be compared to our own society which is crazy and for that, I applaud you.

The only thing is that I wish there was a bit more background as to why she was locked up in jail even though she created the machine? Maybe you could have her comment bitterly about that and how something she built ended up turning on her. Also, I'm a bit confused why she is even writing him in the first place, she says it's because she chose him for his stupidity and average-ness, but i still don't understand why.

Sorry I didn't have much constructive criticism )=
Great job with this!!
-Once

I love this story so much. XD

Also! It looked really fun to edit. Really fun. So I edited, using Track Changes, of course. What I did, mainly was reformat the paragraphs some. Sometimes they would be awkward and jerky and the paragraphs looked like they were falling over themselves, so I streamlined it.

The main change, however, was a move. I basically moved this one whole section to another part. I think it reads better... you may not. Look at it. You'll be able to see the changes I've made.

I also deleted the very last section. I think the last part is unnecessary, as the other ending is much more punchier and ironic. And creepy. The last section seems additional repetitiveness.



You know you want it!

EDIT: Also! I am changing the rating on this. It's 12+, not 16+.

@ Once

Thank you for your comments! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'm very glad that you want more on the narrator, because that's the direction I've been trying to take it, where it's more about the narrator. 1984-esque stories are approaching cliche and so I've been trying to differentiate it by making it less about The Machine and more about... well, the narrator and other stuff.

I'll work on adding in some more tidbits about her/his nature.

@ Snoink

Thank you oodles and kitten caboodles! I do agree with the move of the paragraph. Definitely works a lot better.

And do you know that the last section you deleted there didn't exist until about 15 minutes before I posted this? Yeah, I should really learn not to tamper with my own writing.

Whoops... I thought I clicked 12+.

I'll be working with your edits. Thank you so much!

I loved the story, let's just start with that. It was innovative, which is something I always like to see. There isn't much I can say criticism wise because the piece seemed really well polished for the most part. But I do have thoughts.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but the narrator seemed to be creating a formula for a story in the instructions. Some of the parts in the story seemed to be almost like a farce (for lack of a better word) of how streamlined story writing seems to be now a days and the narrator was making fun of that in toying with the main character... Maybe I need an example:

Then and only then, remember more about the Machine.

That line was when I started to think about this. It's like the formula you see when you read about how to write a story or something. You start out with the action to get the reader's attention, then in the middle of it you can let the main character remember why they are there and introduce something more complicated. Once that is established, the action continues until the character hits a 'wall' of some sort, in this case literal, which he/she needs to overcome in order to continue on. I think you may get where I'm getting with this, I hope.

It didn't take away from the story in any way, but it made it actually more fun to read and try to make the connections.

Good job!!

Thanks, Ithy!

Your comment made me laugh for a little bit (in a good way!) because one of the explanations I had for the narrator's relationship with "you" was that of an author talking to his character. In fact, this entire piece grew out of a flash fiction (the first section of this only) that was about an author giving the instructions to his character. The behind-the-scenes of a story, in other words.

I'm really glad you picked up on that. Makes me very happy indeed, and I might consider swinging the story back that direction.

Rach

This is utterly fantastic. I am a personal fan of this genre of writting, and it is difficult to find younger writers that are decent at it. Instructions really just made me want to be able to write something exactly like it, but I know that if I tried to, it would end up much too much resembling your's, so I'll just leave this type of narration sci-fi to you, for now.
I really love the voice that you gave your narrator. She is sweetly sardonic, reminiscent, and rueful of the past and of what she has created.
I was going to tell you that I would like to see her character elaborated on more, and less so on the Machine, like many other novels, but you already mentioned that yourself.

This was an amazing piece. It's not very often that you see a well written piece in 2nd person. The development of the narrator through their tone was really well done. Though I was curious about who this creator was and why they are locked up and also why the other character was chosen by the creator.

Hmm, I've read the phrase 'happy teeth' before, one of Isaac Asimov's works. Never mind, you used it well, and the story is definitely a win. It also reminds me of Asimov's 'Multivac' (the Machine) but it was hardly ever that scary.
Who, by the way, is giving the robber these instructions?

Oh my goodness. That was so totally awesome!!! It kept me hooked. It made me ignore everything else I was doing. You are one talented young writer my dear. I wish I knew how to write suspense like you do. It just draws a person in and then keeps them there. You did good. You did great! Keep up the great work!!!

Thanks so much, everyone!

Though I was curious about who this creator was and why they are locked up and also why the other character was chosen by the creator

I'm still figuring out that myself. I'm also trying to decide how ambiguous I want to make it.

Hmm, I've read the phrase 'happy teeth' before, one of Isaac Asimov's works. Never mind, you used it well, and the story is definitely a win. It also reminds me of Asimov's 'Multivac' (the Machine) but it was hardly ever that scary.
Who, by the way, is giving the robber these instructions?

I've never read any Asimov. Probably should But, the creator of the Machine's giving the robber the Instructions. You know, good citizen tries to solve all society's problems, creation turns on creator, that sort of thing. But I'm still figuring out the details. More specifically, the Machine's a figment of the narrator's imagination, and the 'you' is the narrator himself, in the typical 'you are your own worst enemy' sort of sense.

Again, thanks to everyone for all the likes and comments!

Rach