Young Writers Society

This started out as a story idea, but I decided it might just fare better as a short excerpt. I just had to get it written down and decided to post it to see what y'all think. I love to hear opinions about my work, so have at it! Kudos to HomelessPorcupine for the first review! I've done some editing, so hopefully I've corrected any oddities.


My therapist says I’m afraid of commitment because I’m afraid of losing control. He’s right. If I lost control, I’m not sure what would happen. Wait. Scratch that. I know exactly what would happen, and it wouldn’t be pretty.

Have you ever sat outside at night and looked at the stars? Sure, most people have. I’ve even seen you do it a few times.

But have you ever looked at those stars and wondered which one your parents were in the process of destroying at that very moment? Do you know what it’s like to watch a star die, to see it fade and know deep down in your gut what really happened?

I do.

And it isn’t a warm thought.

I’m definitely not like you. Not human that is. What am I? That’s the tricky part.

Metaphorically speaking I’m an “angel”, but technically speaking I’m an alien. Before you get all excited, let me explain. Angels are a type of alien race. We don’t know how you humans got it into your thick skulls that we were messengers of your God, but I think it was just a prank an early Angel arrival played on the dumb terrestrials of the day. Funny, right?

Angels are a peaceful race for the most part. Some like my family are happy to wander the universe sucking stars dry of their fuel in order to travel. Others stay on our home world—a place of beauty and wonder.

And then there are the Angels like me. I don’t fit into any molds. My name is Aren. My full name is much longer and harder to pronounce, but I'm called Aren by those who are closest to me. It means "lonely one" in my language, which is quite fitting once you think about it.

My primary objective is to just be free. I don’t agree with my parents on anything, and sitting on Arenstat (the Angel home world) didn’t appeal to me. So, I took to my wings and came to earth. I’d heard some pretty cool stuff about studying humans. The Angel scientists find the human mind an interesting subject, so I signed up to go on an expedition to this backwater planet in order to further my own career. Besides, if it would keep me away from the control of my parents or oppressing boredom on Arenstat, what harm could come of trying?

The thing is...they warned me. They really did, and I didn’t believe them. How could I? You were pathetic in my eyes back then. I’m better than you at everything. I’m stronger, I’m faster, I can fly, and you’re so…weak.

They told me that Angels had a habit of falling for their subjects. I initially scoffed at that idea. I had no intentions of love. Especially not for something so bland as a human.

That’s where you come in. I never expected this, any of it in fact. I was completely taken by surprise. How did you get to me? I’m eons ahead of you technologically and physically out of your stratosphere. You literally can't touch this.

Yet…you captured me. You tamed me. You make me wish—no I can’t say it.

You—you are so human. So unbelievably mundane. You have green eyes, brown hair and a nose that I've heard described as slightly large. In the eyes of other humans, you are average. At first, I thought the same. But then, I began to study you, how your face lit up in happiness or fell when you were sad. I witnessed as you smiled and your lips curved delightfully up to the sky. Each thing I learned, I grew to cherish.

I have to say it.

You make me wish I was—human. Are you happy? You’ve torn me from my heritage and now all I have left to think about is you. Are you satisfied?

How I wish I could tell you this in person. Face to face and watch it dawn on your oddly mesmerizing features that you are the paramour of an alien. And more than that: a princess among her own people.

My parents are royalty, albeit disowned royalty, but of higher blood nonetheless. It explains how they got away with giving me the royal name (Arenstatia) and by right, I have a small claim to leadership. Even with my parents being nomads, I can feel the respect of my fellow Angels on Earth.

They do not show me deference outright, because to do so would be to openly violate the rule of the present Queen of Arenstat--my cousin Arenslayme--but all the same, they silently pay homage to me.

You? You are the descendant of an ape. Your parents own a grocery store and yet you hope one day to start your own band and make it to stardom.

I want to tell you that I could make you a star in Arenstat. That you are already the only bright thing left in my life as the stars in the sky are slowly extinguished one by one by my family as they trek their way through the universe.

I want you to know me, inside and out. I want you to see my fears and try to make them disappear. I want you to hold me, like I see other human males hold their significant others. Those females giggle and sigh, and in my depths I feel a yearning for such embraces. I can almost feel you as you remain out of reach. I can imagine the wonder on your face as I show you my wings and how they reflect the moonlight.

Would you love me? An alien? Or maybe would you run?

I wouldn’t chase you. I know what it is like to run and not wish to be followed, so I would give you your space. What am I saying? I would follow you to the ends of the earth and beyond the furthest star!

Oh how I want to talk to you!

Oh how I wish you could see me: that I wasn’t invisible. That Angels weren’t ghosts to humans.

That’s right. You have no idea I exist. I can stand in front of you right now, jumping up and down, and still you would be unaware. My wings could fan you with a breeze and that is all you would think of it. An act of nature. I could scream in your ear all of my feelings and desires and you would hear only a small sound like the wind. When I touch you, you feel the grasp of air. I can't hold you, because each time I try you slip away. I have no weight in your world.

That is all I am.

That is my curse. I’m dead to you, because Angels can only be seen by the insane. And you…you are perfectly sane.

Perfectly…perfect.

And I’m just…not there.

Now I’ve joined the ranks of those lost Angels, the ones who have Fallen to earth. We pine for humanity, we hunger to be seen and heard and even loved.

So, we are outcasts of our own people and rejected by the world we wish to join. I cannot leave you. I cannot go home, because to do so would be like clipping my wings. I'm stuck here on this planet, watching as you go through life unaware of who I am.

I am Fallen, and you will never know what you have caused.

Or what you mean to me: your Guardian Angel.

Hey Baywolf, HP again!

I haven't reviewed anything for a few days, so I saw yours and thought that I would!

First off, this is a great concept. Angels as invisible aliens is a pretty unique take on things. Needless to say, I enjoyed reading this. You did a good job revealing little bits of the story at a time, making me want to keep reading to answer my questions. Also, you made me feel kind of sorry for Aren, and for the Fallen Angels in general. It would be terrible to live like that!

I’m definitely not like you. Not human that is. What am I? That’s the tricky part.

This is something that I thought you did particularly well with, throughout a lot of the piece. Short statements that inspire questions in the reader. They cause suspense to set in and that is perfect for this sort of piece.

How I wish I could tell you this in person. Face to face and watch it dawn on your oddly mesmerizing features that you are the paramour of an alien. And more than that: a princess among her own people.

This was another good sentence. It hooked me in even more by making me ask questions. Why can't she tell him/them in person? Is she shy, scared of his reaction? Is it against the laws of her race? Great job here. Also, I love the word paramour. Don't know why, just do.

That is my curse. I’m dead to you, because Angels can only be seen by the insane. And you…you are perfectly sane.

This sentence just flat out intrigued me. Why can insane people see Angels? Personally, I love delving into the minds of insane characters and people. Seeing what they think, what they see etc. So once again, you kept the reader hooked through use of creating questions. Bravo!

Or what you mean to me: your Guardian Angel.

Once I figured out at she was in love with a man, I was just waiting for this line to come up. It excited me and made me want it to be there. A real entity who cannot be seen or heard by another, but so in love that it cannot help but stand watch over him forever? It has become a bit cliche lately, but I loved it nonetheless!

There were, however, some things that I believe you could do to make the story even better.

Besides, it was anywhere but with my parents or on Arenstat, so what harm could come of trying?

This sentence seems sort of clunky. (Credit goes to Snoink for introducing me to that awesome word.) It isn't necessarily a terrible sentence, but I had to read it more than once to figure out what you were saying because the words just seemed to jumble together.

You were pathetic.

This may or may not be an error in tense. Are you saying that they were pathetic to her, but now her opinion has changed? I think that that's probably the case, but if it's not the case, then you wouldn't want to change from present tense to past and then straight back to present.

Okay, so that's it for the review. Overall, this piece was good and I had a good time reading it. It's too bad that it's only a one-time piece, because I really want more! Hope that I helped!

Keep Writing!
-HP

I really liked this. I have a few critiques and comments:
*The point of view was a little weird; sometimes it was first person, and sometimes it was second person. Maybe you could say the persons name instead of saying 'You'.
*I liked how you changed the definition of the word 'Angel'.
*I think you should make this longer. It seems like a novella or at least a longer story to me.
*Your character needs a little more personality. Right now they're just a person. What are they're likes? Dislikes? Little flaws.
*More emotion. Its kinda bland right now.


Over all it was a very good read. Tell me if you post any more!

Hey Bay Wolf! I'm here to review. =D

I like the concept you have here. Angels these days are so overused and cliched (almost as much as vampires), but I think you added a nice twist to the general idea, making them aliens and whatnot.

But overall, it didn't really mesh together. For one, the narration is all first person introspection. In fact, I, as the reader, am being told what the narrator is feeling by the narrator herself. I suppose it wouldn't be too bad in moderation, but your entire story is like this. It gets a little tiring and annoying after a while.

As I said, this is a cool idea, and you shouldn't dump it. What I think would help you improve on this would be to write the story over in a different way (i.e, third person). Not only that, but add a plot to move things along. Maybe incorporate the narrator's thoughts into the story while something is happening, such as an event in her love interest's life (possibly an event--a life threatening situation?-- that would force her to intervene and help him somehow, showing us that she is his guardian angel). Those are some ideas...

Keep it up! This has potential, definitely. I just think you need to peel away the unnecessary things and make this as poignant and thoughtful as I know it can be. ^__^

Hi baywolf!

So first of all I want to compliment you on the turn of the word 'angel' here. Describing them as aliens was quite funny and I liked the little part you mentioned about the angel who probably pulled a prank on the humans. Haha.
One thing I did notice was the use of 'aren' as both his name and the planet 'Arenstat' I mean, was there purpose to that? You described 'aren' to mean lonely was does that mean his hone is 'lonely world'? That was just a thought that occurred to me while I was reading this.

That’s where you come in. I never expected this, any of it in fact. I was completely taken by surprise. How did you get to me? I’m eons ahead of you technologically and physically out of your stratosphere. You literally can't touch this.

I choked on my sandwich when I read this!
So funny, I love it! I love it!

You? You are the descendant of an ape. Your parents own a grocery store and yet you hope one day to start your own band and make it to stardom.

Haha, this part too. :3

Alright, so overall I think this idea was brilliant. I loved it and I'm a sucker for these little bits of romance-like things.
I disagree with Mr. Knightly, I think first person fits perfectly in this story. I mean, it's his desire and his feelings and being able to grasp them and fully understand them, I think only first person can do that without making it sound weird. Normally, most romantic novels and stuff are in first person, or even second. But hardly third, well I don't think. But anyways, you could always experiment and see where it leads you.
Also, I think the part about his background was like an info dump. You didn't necessarily need it and it could easily be taken out without causing any damage to the piece itself.
In the end, I think your writing was good, not many errors or anything and I loved reading it. I mean, you captured my interest from the beginning and kept me reading till the end. And by the end I was just sighing, I love how you tied everything together in the end. I was predicting once he fell in love with the girl and all he was going to be her guardian angel. So sweet. I can see this becoming a novel and maybe you might want to try expanding this a little. I would read it!
*likes*

~Shear

Hey there!

I thought that you did spectacular with this piece. I loved how you changed the definition of Angel! Who would've thought that they could be somehting else completely? Another thing I liked was how you made the alien fall in love with the girl, but he couldn't communicate with her.

I like how a few of y'all assumed the MC is a guy. It's made me go back and rethink how I've phrased things. But in reality, I guess it could go either way, despite the fact being that I meant to have written about a female Angel. Oh well! Thanks so much for the reviews!!
And good news for those who enjoyed the story: I've been expanding it in my free time, and I've decided to see how far I can take this idea. Yay! So look out for some new installments sometime in the future.
Thanks again!!!

But have you ever looked at those stars and wondered which one your parents were in the process of destroying at that very moment? I did not understand this sentence.

You? You are the descendant of an ape. Your parents own a grocery store and yet you hope one day to start your own band and make it to stardom. I could not stop laughing when I read this sentence. So true, so true.

I really liked this piece. It was unique and I had never read anything like it. I liked how you put it in the view of the angel, we don't see that very often. I liked how you made it sound as if he was writing a letter to her. I liked how you added the humor in so it was so harsh. I really liked this piece and didn't find any grammar mistakes. You are a really good writer and I hope to read more of your work. Keep writing, you're really good!
Wicked <3