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[September Contest] Floating Metal Coffin



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Tue Sep 14, 2010 9:34 pm
silentpages says...



Spoiler! :
“Your story is about a nurse trapped in a black hole, forgetting names.”

Link to Related Poem-ey Thing: topic69486.html


She floated. Their ship drifting, with no determinable goal...
No, drifting wasn’t the word for it. She had the sensation of moving very fast, in a very definite direction. The forces of the black hole sucked the ship in further and further, gobbling down anything it could in an attempt to fill its empty void of a belly.
Inside the ship though, those forces felt very distant. There was nothing outside to determine anything about how they were moving. There was just that feeling… That feeling of unseen motion.
Her patient – her employer, her master, her murderer – breathed in and out, the raspy sound all that broke the silence in the ship. Tubes were hooked up to him, running in, under, and over his skin. To some, it might have seemed gruesome. To her, it seemed normal. After all, she’d been working as a nurse, placing tubes like that, for how many years?
Really… How many?
She’d shut off the monitor that showed her his heart rate, along with a lot of other things that took up power. They were running short on that now, and even if she’d long since given up hope of rescue, she felt the need to conserve power. To give them a few more short minutes to live.
In the years they’d drifted, they’d always had air, thanks to the filtration systems her patient’s company had developed. They’d had plenty of nutrients to keep them going (she’d put herself on an IV drip, after the solid food ran out). That had never been a problem. She’d always known he’d stored too much… She’d always known they’d die long before the nutrients ran out, their life leaving them for one reason or another.
After going into the black hole, all the filtration systems had stopped working. They were going to run out of air. It was only a matter of time…
So, she conserved power.
“I hope you’re happy,” she said to her patient. Her voice rasped, like her patient’s breathing; she hadn’t spoken much in the last few years. There hadn’t been much point after her patient’s condition worsened. She was not of the belief that people in a comatose state could hear what was being said to them, or that it would even matter if they did. She’d always considered the idea to be as ridiculous – talking to an empty shell.
But no one else was on the ship to hear her… Why not blame him, aloud, for everything that had happened to her? At least her last few breaths of air might garner her some satisfaction.
“Everyone said you were crazy to launch yourself on that space mission,” she continued. Her tongue felt thick and clumsy. “In your condition… Everyone said it was insane… But you just had to go anyway. And haul me along with you, to take care of you… Never mind about my family… Never mind about my friends…”
Her family… Only one of them had been left when she’d gone. Some cousin she’d met maybe twice. She hadn’t been able to remember his name even back on Earth.
Her friends… Shasha – or was it Shawna? – had loved sports and books equally, sneering at anyone who tried to tell her such interests could not coexist in one person. After High School, she’d married Jeff. How she could remember his name when she couldn’t even remember Sha—as’ was a mystery to her.
The man whose name had started with a ‘T’… Trent? Tommy? Tate? They’d gone out a few times. Had a real pity party before she left; though nothing had pointed them toward being truly serious before, by the time she was set to launch they’d become convinced that they were meant to be together forever, if only she hadn’t needed to go off into the final frontier with her pushy boss.
Alexa – Or… Anna? – and the one who’d taught at the local elementary school and always had a funny story to tell about one of the little brats...
For so long, she’d clung to the little bits of information about them. She remembered their favorite movies, their favorite memories… But some of the basics she’d forgotten to focus on were gone. Like their names…
She leveled her gaze at her patient. His name, too, was a mystery now. Lost in space. Perhaps she’d blocked that one out on purpose, though.
“Did you ever really think you were going to survive the journey?” she asked hoarsely. “Was traveling into space just something on your bucket list? Something to do before you dropped dead?” She trembled. And then she started to yell.
Why would you drag so many people along with you, if that’s all it was?
So many people… All on that huge spaceship… All there when things began to go wrong. All of them dead now. Caught in the explosion that had rocked the craft, or starved now after so long in the tiny escape pods.
Her patient’s pod had been larger than all the others. Better equipped. He’d spared no expense, saving his own life even though he was already on the road to death.
She’d gone over the last days so often… Those memories, and the memories of her life on Earth were all that she had left to keep her from going mad.
If they had ever really saved her from that fate…
Floating in a cold, metal coffin, with no other stimulus… She’d relived every memory, over and over again.
But she’d neglected the names.
She hadn’t realized until it was too late.
How could she have realized earlier?
How could she ever guess that she’d forget even her own name?
Unsteadily, she crossed the ship to the patient’s bed. She unhooked all of the tubes. Watched him until the breathing stopped.
Had the pleasure of making sure he died first.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Tue Sep 14, 2010 11:38 pm
Elinor says...



Hiya,

I really, really like this story. It's captivating and although we know there is no hope for the characters, I'm still hooked. I want to continue and see what happens. We grow to like these characters and feel sorry for them, and as thus we do not want them to die. Throughout reading it, I imagined what I would do if I was in the nurse's situation. I did smile a bit at the nurse placing the blame on the patient, even though it wasn't really his fault that they got sucked into the black hole. It just shows how humans realistically act when in tough situations. The metaphor of the metal coffin is great and had shivers running down my spine.

That being said, it still does feel a little vague. I understand you're confined to a word limit so you don't have very much space or freedom to expand on the characters and the situation you've been presented with in the theme. You do well with what you have, but still, I would like to see more. First, I am incredibly curious as to how the ship fell into the black hole. These things just don't happen every day. Also, would be a little surprised that she's survived and die instantly when thrust in it? Does she panic? Right now there's little to know character growth; it sort of just goes as "Wow, I'm in a black hole. Sucks to me me.

...
...

Hey! He caused all my problems! What can I do before I die too to show him who's boss?"

You say in the story that 'she'd long since given up hope. Show that to us. Even if you just allude to it, it will make the piece seem much stronger. Hope this helps! And good luck in the contest. PM me if you have questions.

-Elinor x

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:31 am
Evi says...



This was awesome! Loved the nurse's voice; it was very clear and personal, even through it was in third person. Cool metaphor of a metal coffin for the ship, also. And your last line! I loved it.

If they had ever really saved her from that fate…

Floating in a cold, metal coffin, with no other stimulus… She’d relived every memory, over and over again.


These two sentences were phrased oddly. If what had ever really saved her from what fate? No -other- stimulus? That suggests there's at least one stimulus-- remembering the names and recounting events? But it doesn't seem to quite fit or flow. Organize your thoughts here.

My only overall point, really, is to go easy on the ellipses. You use them twenty-three times. For a less than 1000 word story, that's way too many times. The only instance that I really like ellipses is if a wistful character is trailing off during dialogue, but outside of dialogue they seem gimmicky and amateur. I understand that you've created this drifting, apathetic mood, but a bunch of dots won't achieve that. The actual words will. So unclog this story of all its punctuation fillers! You can keep five sets of "...", I'd say. No more.

This is a short snapshot piece, and I think you gave us just enough information to keep us engaged without info-overloading us. Oh, except for on one account-- why did her patient/master want to go into space in the first place, and why did she feel compelled to go with him? Did she sign a contract? Was she held accountable by law to keep watch over him, even at danger to her own health? Or is she just that kind of person-- no one left to love, nothing better to do, and unable to watch someone she's taken care of go off into certain death? Something made her go, but according to this, I don't think it was an undying affection for this poor, feeble man. She resented having to accompany him-- so why did she? Give us that insight, at least, into her person.

Other than that, keep writing! This was a lovely story, especially for such short notice, and I look forward to reading more work from you. :)

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  





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Sun Sep 19, 2010 2:35 pm
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hiya Silent, I'm Jai :D

Just wow, this story was really good. It was chilling. I was thinking the whole time, Murder him! Smother him with a pillow! I couldn't find any faults within the story besides what the previous reviews also mentioned, the over usage of ellipses. I think that you could probably eliminate half of them at least.

The only other thing I have a problem with is the concept of the black hole.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_hole wrote:An observer falling into a Schwarzschild black hole (i.e. non-rotating and no charges) cannot avoid the singularity. Any attempt to do so will only shorten the time taken to get there. When they reach the singularity, they are crushed to infinite density and their mass is added to the total of the black hole. Before that happens, they will have been torn apart by the growing tidal forces in a process sometimes referred to as spaghettification or the noodle effect.


So... Maybe you could mention that the life support systems of the escape pod had noticed some irregularities in the surrounding space - the presence of a black hole. That they were drifting towards it, due to the gravitational pull, but had not yet entered it.

You could mention something about the nurse witnessing the event horizon, considered one of the most beautiful sights in the world. "An event horizon is a boundary in spacetime through which matter and light can only pass inward towards the mass of the black hole. Nothing, not even light, can escape from inside the event horizon."

This review was probably not very helpful :/

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  








When something is broken, it can be fixed.
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