Young Writers Society

There were whispers as soon as the boy with the broken arm came into the classroom. He was a little boy, just under 130 centimeters tall, and his arm was slung up so that it pressed against his chest. His arm had been wrapped and plastered and there were things written on it. The teacher looked up and frowned. “What is that on your arm?”
The boy’s face turned red. “A cast,” he said. “I broke my arm,” he said again, when the teacher still looked blank. “It hurts. My mama put it in a cast for me.”
The class burst out in a nervous giggle. The teacher didn’t stop them. Her eyebrows rose. “Your mama did this?”
His face flushed red again. “Mother,” he corrected quickly. “I meant mother.”
“And I suppose she gave you a note for this?”
The little boy’s face turned darker. He took off his backpack, carefully so that it didn’t touch his arm, and rummaged through the contents using his free hand. But he was too slow. After a minute, the teacher snatched away the bag. The whole classroom erupted into giggles.
“Let me look.” She put her hand in and took out an envelope in one efficient stroke. She tore it open, read it twice, and folded it up carefully. “So, I suppose this means you can’t write.”
The little boy squirmed. “I can use my other arm,” he suggested.
“Don’t bother.” She threw the envelope away. “Why didn’t she take you to the doctor?”
“She said she couldn’t.”
“She’s wrong. The doctor can heal you instantly. A bone cell implant should do the trick. You’ll be able to write in an hour. Tell her that she should bring you in.”
“But she said I can use the other hand.”
“And let you break that one?”
The boy shifted uncomfortably. “I climbed a tree. That’s why I broke my arm. I fell.”
The teacher looked annoyed. “So go to the doctor.”
“But we don’t have the money.”
“What?”
The boy inhaled deeply. “We don’t have the money. It’s expensive.”
“Don’t you have insurance?”
“What’s that?”
The class broke out in giggles again. The teacher sighed. “Go home and make your mom take you to the doctor.”
“But she can’t!” The boy looked upset. “She says that I’m high-risk.”
The class quieted down. And suddenly, the teacher understood.
She turned around and went to her desk, cleared the screen of her notes, and opened it up to this year’s students. She scanned the lines of A’s, T’s, U’s, and G’s and frowned. “You have the wrong allele,” she mused, more to herself than to the class.
The boy leaned over. “What?”
“The wrong allele. You’re a risk-taker, aren’t you?” She looked up to the boy. Her eyes narrowed. “You see opportunities and you take them. It’s a compulsion. An addiction. You can’t help yourself.”
The boy’s face turned white. “I only climbed a tree!”
“And why did you climb that tree?” When the boy hesitated, the teacher sighed. “No wonder you couldn’t go to the doctor. Accident coverage is too expensive and insurance won’t cover it.” She flicked her finger across the screen. It turned black. “I expect you out of my class tomorrow. I don’t want to see you here again.”
A fat tear slid down his check. “But I’ll be good! I won’t ever climb a tree again. Ever. I don’t have to be risky. I don’t!”
“Your genetics say otherwise.”
Now he was crying.
“Get out.”
He nodded, wiping tears with his free hand. He turned to walk out. The class watched him silently.
When the door closed, the teacher set her lips grimly. “Let’s start at the top,” she said.

This was really good I enjoyed it a lot and I felt very connected to the protagonist, it really makes me want to know what happens next. One thing I might suggest is making it obvious before the teacher speaks about healing the arm the same day that we are looking at the future because the initial reaction of the class and the teacher was a little confusing for someone who doesnt have background information. For example, perhaps an initial view of the city or even things in the classroom itself that wouldn't exist in the 21st century before the action starts? But all in all I thought that it was an interesting idea and your pacing was good keep posting more of the story, I would love to see more, thanks.

I love the idea that our behaviour is partly determined by our genes. I've always been thought that it's mostly the environment, but I do think genetics have a role to play. It's interesting to look at the other side of the argument. I did really enjoy this, too. It was easy to empathise with the little boy, and I was starting to get quite involved in the story.

A few nitpicks, though:

His arm had been wrapped and plastered and there were things written on it

I get the impression that it's rare for people to wear casts, and that it wouldn't be something you'd make any more obvious than you can help. If I was in a situation like that, I don't think I'd be asking everyone to sign the cast; I'd be hiding it.

The class burst out in a nervous giggle...The whole classroom erupted into giggles...The class broke out in giggles again.

There's an overuse of the word "giggle" here.

“But she can’t!” The boy looked upset. “She says that I’m high-risk.”

The class quieted down.

I'm assuming these kids are all the same age. So why does the rest of the class have some understanding of what this means, when the one little boy doesn't? He would at least have an idea that there is something wrong with it. So maybe the little boy doesn't know what is so bad about it, but he would whisper it to the teacher - in the same way a child might tell a teacher that she can't do the classwork because she can't read.

Well, I hope I helped! Let me know if there's anything else I can do.
~Grin

I agree with formertywcwriter but not too much. I think putting it in the sci-fi forum is adequate.

While I'm not a short story expert, I think that they're meant to be extremely powerful. WHile BCG might have gotten to the heart and point of the story, I think you could have had another theme or point put in: Genetic Engineering. I think maybe you might do well to say that this is the near future. Afterall, that might be entirely possible in 2 years. A calendar maybe. And perhaps I missed something but... what screen? What do you mean by a screen. Sorry, I live in a developing country - we still use chalkboards and whiteboards

Thanks for the read. Edit it up. Make it sharp and powerful. Sudden. Bursting like a bullet shot! Don't be afraid to overemphasize. Maybe he should wince a little too much, showing he's in pain? It makes it all the more obvious that he should go to the doctor, earlier on. And then you can explain the sci-fi bit behind it. Edit and I'll *LIKE*.

Thanks,
TheNewHero

Why is the teacher such a jerk? Who would treat a kid this way?

I'm not a fan of biology, but I thought that your idea of genetic judgement was good one. Original, in my limited experience. The emotions of the little boy were well portrayed. You might want to make the teacher a little more human, though. Or is the teacher a robot? dun dun dun...

LOL. She's a disenchanted former creative writing major. XD

I would like to politely disagree with formertywcwriter. I don't think you need to make it too obvious they're in the future from the very beginning. Part of the fun of the story is seeing a seemingly normal situation - a kid breaking his arm and telling his teacher - into something fantastic and out of the ordinary.

I think their confusion at seeing the cast is enough to start us thinking "This is something different", and her instructions for how to heal his arm clears up any immediate confusion pretty quickly.

This is really good, I don't really have any negative comments... I think you did a great job with it. ^^

YOU ROCK, SNOINK! 8D

Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This was... good. Reallyreally good. (I need to work on my description....)

Anyhoo, the first few sentences seemed more tell-y than show-y. And I don't think he'd have stuff written all over his cas it if he's only just got to school, he wishes it wasn't there and he doesn't seem to have any friends.

Apart from that, I loved it.