Young Writers Society

1970 was the year when Jeffrey Simpson was born. His father wasn't there to witness the birth. He died in a horrible car accident. As the years went on Jeffrey was getting older and so was his Mom. His mom was 40 years old and was a heavy drinker.

14 years later Jeffrey and his Mom were walking home from his basketball game. (Jeffrey had played basketball since his 4th grade year.) And a middle age man comes out of a dark ally. Holding a hand gun. As my Mom screams for help the strange man pulls the trigger and firs at my Mom. The speeding bullet hit my Mom in her nose blowing right off her face. As he cried holding his Mom in my arms. He made himself a promise. Revenge on that strange man.

An hour later the cops finely came and took Jeffrey to the station where they asked him questions about what he saw. After Jeffrey explained to them what happened. They found no trace of the strange man. They then asked him what his face looked like. But Jeffrey told them "it was to dark to see the face."

Then after a week or so the police came to Jeffery grandparent's house where he was staying after the accident. They told him he had to go back to the station for more questions. But before they bored the car the officer slapped cuffs on him. He didn't say any thing at the time, but it was also 7:00 in the morning, and he was to tired to really care.

When they arrived. They told him that they had his blood all over the crime seen. And a bloody knife in the ally where the man came from. So then they told him he will have to be put in child prison ti'll further details.

3 years in child prison. He figured they have forgot about him and so he was right. Forgot that the police put him in a place where you have to fight for your life, when a kid no older then Jeffrey got put in here for drugs and stabbing a cop. But that day a security guard let him free. And went back to high-school where the kids there called him murder kid.

The next few days Jeffery was dressing in dark colors and wearing dark make up and talking with a deep voice. Today as he was getting his books out of his locker he over herd his classmates Darren and Tracy talking about going to "Make-Out Point" tonight at 12:30. At that time Jeffrey looked away from his locker with an evil smile and an evil thought.

12:26 was the time when Darren and Tracy arrived at "Make-Out Point". As Jeffrey watches over them we waits for the right time to strike. The first time they gently put there lips on each others. That's the time. The time to attack. They kiss, Jeffrey jumps into action pulls out a knife. Opens up the car door pulls out Darren first and cuts his nose off. As Darren tried to yell for help it was to late. Tracy curled up in the car crying with fear. Jeffrey walked over to the other side of the car, opens the door pulls Tracy out of the car and carries her off.

Later Jeffrey returned to "Make-Out Point" to dump the car in the river. But to his surprise the car and Darren's dead body were gone. At first Jeffrey was afraid the cops picked them up. Then he told himself " I can't go to jail for murder because I had already been to jail for murder."

The next day at school every one was crying about Darren and Tracy missing. Later that day Jeffrey got called up to the office in the middle of his English class. When he arrived there he notices two police cars in the school parking lot. As he opens the office door he see 4 cops standing on each side of the principles desk. Mr. Jelly was the name. "Mr. Simpson, are you aware there was a killing?" Mr. Jelly asked Jeffrey.
"Ya, what about it?" he told Mr. Jelly.
" Well we think you might have something to do with it. Did you?" Mr. Jelly asked.
" No sir."
"Your sure."
"Yes I didn't kill Darren."
"Now, I didn't say any thing about Darren."
"Well you didn't have to everyone knows what happened."
"I see, you are free to go."

As Jeffery gets up the police officers look at him wondering what's going on in his head. When Jeffery walks out he ran into Victor the school bully also Tracy's brother. As he walked passed him Victor noticed that Jeffrey had blood on his right shoe. Jeffery noticed at that same time and ran into the bathroom as fast as he could. He grabbed a wet paper towel and wiped off his shoe at the same time Shane walked in and asked Jeffrey if he thought Zoey was cute (another classmate.) or not. He said "Ya you should take her to a dinner."
Shane told him "Thanks man."

Later that day there was a rumor that Zoey said yes and they were going to AppleB's and Shane had told him that it was true and they were going at 8:30 that night.

8:30 that night. Jeffery waits for there LAST dinner to be over with. The time was 9:03 when they arrived and they were walking through the same ally where Jeffreys Mom was killed. Jeffrey came around the ally corner holding a hand gun and shot Zoey and she fell into Shane's arms as a single tear fell from his left eye. Jeffrey looks at him with a plan look upon his face and he picks Shane off the ground with out a fight from Shane and takes him back to his hide out where Tracy still lays. A hide out in a old bear cave in the middle of the woods. The same cave he found as a kid. When he arrived to the cave he found Tracy sleeping in the same position he left her in. He kicked her in the side to see if she had died and sure enough she was just sleeping.

Jeffrey told Tracy "i
If you want to live she would have to cut off all of Shane's fingers."

Tears came rapidly out of Shane and Tracy. She said "No" But when Jeffrey said the same thing to him " If you want to live you have to cut off all Tracy's fingers" and with a long hesitation and a single tear he said "Yes" so Jeffery strapped Tracy into a chair and gave Shane the knife. Shane took the knife to Tracy's pointer finger and pushed with all his might to cut the finger off as Tracy screamed with such pain. Jeffrey rapped a towel around Tracy's mouth to stop her screaming. OFF COMES THE FINGER!!! Shane looked away and throw up 7 1/2 times. Tracy stars to cry even harder. Then the 2nd finger comes off and Shane can't bare the 3rd finger so he told Jeffrey he has to stop and he can't go on. So Jeffrey pulled out a gun and shot him in the face and Tracy in the back of the head.

To Be Continued....

I love that story great work keep it up

Thanx i wrote this at my Gradnfathers house to give him nightmares!! Hahaha

You have really good idea here, but the the flow of the story is what I call "jagged." The last few paragraphs mainly, I think you need to add some more details into this story and also I noticed some incorect quotation marks in this story. But other than those you can really make this a great story. Keep on writing.

I liked the story, but I think it could be made even better if you edited a few things. There are quite a few info dumps and a few places where it doesn't quite make sense, but you'll see those below.

1970 was the year when Jeffrey Simpson was born. His father wasn't there to witness the birth. He died in a horrible car accident. As the years went on Jeffrey was getting older and so was his Mom. His mom was 40 years old and was a heavy drinker. (This is a big infodump, remember the YWS motto Show, don't tell or something similar. Try something like "He'd never met his father, he never would. As the years went by, he'd often wonder about him. Try to picture him in his final moments, crumpled in the front seat of car")

14 years later Jeffrey and his Mom were walking home from his basketball game. (Jeffrey had played basketball since his 4th grade year.) And a middle age man comes out of a dark ally. (This is random and also starts a sentence with And, which you rarely see - apart from the Bible. The phrasing gives it an almost comical air, which isn't what I think you want to achieve) Holding a hand gun. As my Mom screams for help the strange man pulls the trigger and firs (fires) at my Mom. The speeding bullet hit my Mom in her nose blowing right off her face.(Blowing what off where? Her face off her face, her nose of her face) As he cried holding his Mom in my arms. He made himself a promise. Revenge on that strange man.

Sorry I haven't got time to do the rest, but keep writing I want to know what happens next.

Being as "harsh" as I can

Minor spelling errors:
alley*
wrapped*
plain*
starts*

I think you also used the word "Mom" a tad too much on the second paragraph.

Why would the police throw you in prison for witnessing a murder?

"They kiss, Jeffrey jumps into action pulls out a knife. Opens up the car door pulls out Darren first and cuts his nose off. As Darren tried to yell for help it was to late." So before Darren can let out a scream, a boy his age pulls him out, cuts off his nose and then proceeds to kill him? I doubt it, but otherwise the idea is fine.

OFF COMES THE FINGER! (cracked me up ) always good to have some "sick humor" in these ^^ (but slightly unrealistic, considering he was throwing up 7 & ½ times.

"Shane looked away and throw up 7 1/2 times." *Threw, and isn't 7 times a little too much ? And how do you throw up ½? XD Just say he vomited once.

Otherwise I liked the story, do keep on writing it.

Sincerely,
The Perverted Iguana~

This story, I have to say, was a pretty difficult read. You seemed to jump perspective quite a bit from third to first, especially when you were trying to show possesion of something. Another thing is that there wasn't much sense of plot direction. Most of your story has little to no relevance to even it's self. You don't really emphasize too much on why the character developed the way he did. Was it his mom's murder? His fatherless lifetime? Or was it being forgotten in "child prison"? As a reader I couldn't quite get a feel for why this kid was on a murderous fling. If he's suffering from anything make it more apparent.
Alot of the things stated in this story are kind of choppy. For instance the kid being forgotten in a prison because he witnessed a murder, it doesn't really fit. Maybe instead give him a feasable reason to be there. Wrongly accused, actually committed a crime, things that people go to prison for. Most of this story is hard to believe. A story is like a dream. No matter how fantastic it may be, there are still shreds of binary reality woven into them.

hey hun Nice start on your writing, but there are somethings I'd like to go over with you.

1970 was the year when Jeffrey Simpson was born. His father wasn't there to witness the birth. He died in a horrible car accident. As the years went on Jeffrey was getting older and so was his Mom. His mom was 40 years old and was a heavy drinker.

Instead of saying 1970 was the year etc. Try something more dramatic like "In the year of 1970, Jeffrey Simpson was born." Or something of the like. I like what Scion of Fangor said about his father, I'd do that as well. I don't think we need to know that his mum is a heavy drinker. That can be implied throughout the story without really telling us. There are also way too many short sentences.

14 years later Jeffrey and his Mom were walking home from his basketball game. (Jeffrey had played basketball since his 4th grade year.) And a middle age man comes out of a dark ally. Holding a hand gun. As my Mom screams for help the strange man pulls the trigger and firs at my Mom. The speeding bullet hit my Mom in her nose blowing right off her face. As he cried holding his Mom in my arms. He made himself a promise. Revenge on that strange man.

Instead of putting the numerical number 14, spell it out: "Fourteen years have passed and Jeffrey and his mother were walking him from his basket ball game. He had gotten into the sport since his fourth year in school." Something similar to that. Also, instead of "Mom" I'd use "Mother" it's more professional and not personal. When you put Mom, it seems you know them and you don't want that. Now if Jeff was talking then yeah he'd say "mom." Instead of telling us that a man comes out, describe it. "Out of nowhere, a man jumps out of the shadows in a dark ally they were walking passed. It was unfortunate for them he was holding a gun." Then you switch perspective. That is a BIG no no! I would choose one and stick with it. Switching it is confusing and it makes readers loose interest. There's a little typo and those are common. Firs would be Fires. This paragraph seems really dreamy and there's no body to it, not enough description, you're just telling us "Hey this is what happened!" Like you would your best friend.

An hour later the cops finely came and took Jeffrey to the station where they asked him questions about what he saw. After Jeffrey explained to them what happened. They found no trace of the strange man. They then asked him what his face looked like. But Jeffrey told them "it was to dark to see the face."

I don't think it'd take an hour for the cops to come by to investigate a shooting. Especially if there are witnesses and if Jeff calls on a pay phone. I would have dialog between Jeff and the Police. It makes it more personal I think. Also, "It was to dark to see his face." The first to, should be TOO. You do this in another paragraph I've noticed and I'll point that out too. I've noticed that you start sentences with and and but a lot. I'd cut those down a bit. "They then asked him what the man's face looked like, but Jeffrey told them that it was too dark to see his face." That kind of thing.

Then after a week or so the police came to Jeffery grandparent's house where he was staying after the accident. They told him he had to go back to the station for more questions. But before they bored the car the officer slapped cuffs on him. He didn't say any thing at the time, but it was also 7:00 in the morning, and he was to tired to really care.

Wow, what did Jeffrey do in that week? I'd think he'd be pretty depressed. No dad to begin with and then he looses his mom? I think some description and some incidents happening within that week should happen especially between Jeff and his grandparents. Then you can make the police come. Bored should be board well boarded actually. Again, instead of the numerical 7:00 write it out, seven in the morning and then the first to needs to be too.

When they arrived. They told him that they had his blood all over the crime seen. And a bloody knife in the ally where the man came from. So then they told him he will have to be put in child prison ti'll further details.

"When they arrived." That period should be a comma. Also, Crime Scene. I think there should be description of the police station and the ride there and how Jeff feels about this. He should be realizing what had happened. Then when they arrive at the station, describe them taking Jeff out and into their interrogation room. Then the police man will slap down some evidence then dialog between the two. That's what I suggest. Juvenile detention center is another good name for child prison or Alternative schools, since he's too young to be in adult prison.

3 years in child prison. He figured they have forgot about him and so he was right. Forgot that the police put him in a place where you have to fight for your life, when a kid no older then Jeffrey got put in here for drugs and stabbing a cop. But that day a security guard let him free. And went back to high-school where the kids there called him murder kid.

I dont think the police would forget about him. They could probably get into huge trouble if they did. Let's say he was innocent and they forgot him there, Jeff can sue for big money if that happened. Jeff would be put on trial in court and the jury would have to decide. If innocent, he wouldn't be left there, if guilty then yes he'd be put there for how many years the judge decides. Even in the 70s this wouldn't happen. He has a right to a fair trial.

Well, this has gotten long so I'll summarize it since I basically got the main points down and it continues throughout your story. I suggest research as well. Research helps with a lot of things, especially if you want to be accurate with the American system. I assume it's in America with the American names. I suggest picking a state they live in and have the first paragraph describe where they live and then describe the hospital scene. I also want to suggest that giving the mother and father a name would be a good investment and maybe tell us about their life before the father died and before Jeffrey was born. I saw some there, their and they're problems. It should be "Their LAST dinner." Their shows procession. There describes a place and they're is they are. Forgive me if you know this, it's one of my biggest pet peeves when writing. When Mr. Jelly says "Your sure?" It should be "You're." When it comes to spelling, do you use Microsoft word? If so, there will be a red squiggly line underneath the misspelled word. If you right click it, Word might help you with the correct spelling. If not using word and using Notepad or Word pad, Google will help you spell words you're not familiar with.

Also, I found this story in the Science Fiction forums. Are you planning on making it Sci-Fi? If so, I'd change the time from the 70s to some place in the future with futuristic guns and such.

Believe me, I was the same at your age. Practice makes perfect; just like artwork, writing needs practice and memorization. I'm still terrible with grammar and comma placements. I would definitely keep a copy of this the way it is and then have another copy you fix up. That way you can look back after the years and smile. I do it all the time, especially with my artwork. Then it makes you feel good on how much you've improved.

I hope I helped as much as I can <3 I wish you the best of luck and if you need help with anything, I'll be happy to help. Stay safe and enjoy your stay here at YWS <3

Kiki~

You scared me so bad. Now I'm gonna have nightmares. Thanx. But it was really good and well written.

Awesomely morbid and macabre stuff here. It seems like you have a good concept, but you might want to hone and refine it some more. Additionally just make sure to go over your works with spellcheck, grammarcheck etc. to keep stuff flowing and as natural as possible. This really is a kid out of hell! I want to no more about him and why he's doing all of this (son of satan or the like?) also rereading your stories to make sure they make sense can help a lot too. Nice work!