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When The Strangers Came (Contest Entry)



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Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:25 pm
Tigersprite says...



Note: Just to save you the trouble of figuring it out yourself, after each distinct break the story is written from a different character's point of view. Also, the italics are necessary. :)



We never did expect them to be honest. We just went along in our established world, never expecting and never caring. And so they came. History repeats itself, I suppose.

That day, Ma had been sick. I remember well because it was Sunday, the only day Da let me watch TV. Normally I would lie on the couch, but it was Ma who lay coughing there in my stead.

I sat at the table, doing my homework. It was History; we were learning about the colonization of Africa. Did you know, I had asked aloud, that there were over 10, 000 different states in post-colonial Africa? Ma had coughed in her sleep. But I hadn’t minded. I often talked to myself.

Da was checking on the sheep. Crickets chirped outside, and I had been wondering whether to get myself a snack from the fridge or to stay put and let the gentle whirring of the overhead fan lull me to sleep. But in a blink of a second I had neither of those options, because that was when they came.

They did not come quietly. They did not come quickly. They were loud, but they were slow.

Our front door blew open and Ma awoke, her red eyes darted about. A stranger stepped inside, the weapon they held in their hands resembled a gun but was too bizarre to be so. It had blinking red lights and bottles of blue liquid attached to it; it was khaki green as the stranger stepped in but a thousand alien colours in the glow of the living room lamp.

The stranger turned to Ma; she opened her mouth to scream. And then there was a horrible, loud and piercing sound, like metal scraping against a chalkboard a million times over. When I opened my eyes without knowing I had closed them, Ma was still on the couch. Her scream had never left her, and as I stared numbly at the small red spot on her forehead I knew that it never would.

The stranger turned to me. I opened my mouth to scream and I deafened myself. The sharp pain in my ears was quickly overcome by relief, I was spared. The stranger stared at me, gun lowered. And then they beckoned.

Why did I run to this stranger? I don’t know. Don’t think I was a traitor. I wasn’t. But in a flash half my world had been stolen from me, and the stranger’s beckoning was a shred I could hang onto.

And so I went to him.

*****


I’d never known such destruction. We’d been learning about the Afghan War that week, about how there were civilian casualties all the time, bodies lying in streets. We’d seen videos even. Now I couldn’t tell the difference, not between the body-strewn cities of Kabul and the headless torsos in London.

The alien led me down the middle of the street, right through the carnage. Others who looked just like him—they all had that same pale blue skin—walked in and out of houses, high screeching sounds announcing their presence inside, a trail behind them of a person or two in shock proof of their recent exit. As it was there was a middle-aged man behind me.

We didn’t walk for too long. Soon we reached a flat open space; it took me a long time to recognize it. It was the local high street, completely levelled.

The stranger led us towards a strange vehicle. It was like a ship, but like the odd gun the stranger had used to murder my father it was a colour I didn’t know existed.

The stranger stopped me and the man, and from nowhere more of their kind came. We had our hands and legs chained; the blue chains were as thin as wire but as strong as steel.

We weren’t led onto the ship, we had thin, cold discs pressed against our eyes and when they were removed we were inside. I had a brief time to look around and to see all the people, Asians, Europeans, Americans; people from all over the world somehow brought into a single place. And then a hood was placed over my head and I could see no more.

*****


They searched us and stripped us, and when that was finished they gave us new chains. We were chained to each other and they did it cleverly too. They chained English-speakers to Spanish-speakers, Punjabi-speakers to Yoruba, Bosnian to Chuvash. Take away our speech and there is no common ground. Take away our common ground and there is no rebellion.

The ship began to move, I could tell this by the humming and rumbling. People started mumbling to themselves, a babble of different languages reverberated around the small, hot room we had been packed into. One person in particular was shouting quite loudly. He foamed at the mouth, barking sharp words in a language that sounded vaguely Russian. An alien removed him from his chain gang and took him away. When we heard the sharp metallic sound a second later, we all fell silent.

I felt dead inside. Completely sapped of my will. I looked around as much as I could with the heavy chain around my neck, and I saw that I wasn’t the only dead one. Grey faces looked back at me, a room of soulless people. We did not fight. We already knew our fate, already knew what would happen. We knew that one day this day would come, that it would happen again. Everything that happens once will happen again. History must repeat itself.

I lifted my weary hands, and I touched the person in front of me. He turned around, a young boy; his sideburns had just begun to grow. His eyes were dead.

“What are they called?” I needed to know the names of these aliens, our Masters. For undoubtedly that was what they now were.

The boy looked at me blankly. I jerked my head towards the single alien with its back towards us and I pointed at him.

“What are they called?” The boy blinked, and when I was about to drop my gaze he whispered, “Il sconosciuto.” I had taken an Italian class a long time ago, and so I understood him.

The Strangers.

*****


The Strangers took us to where they lived, which was not another planet, though we later learnt that they had indeed come from one, but another continent. A part of Earth we had never explored.

The Strangers changed things. They said our technology was primitive; they killed most of us and enslaved all the remaining. They ridiculed us. They laughed at us.

As we toiled for them, day after day in their stinking factories, they tore down our cities building by building and replaced them with their own. What was once ours was no longer.

We did try and fight once. We took their weapons and attacked them. But they gathered those who rebelled, and they killed them. We were quelled.

Decades passed and we became used to the toil. The Strangers had become used to us too, and though they hated us as much as we hated them, they gave us rights. We didn’t sleep with the swine, they gave us houses. We slowly regained a shard of our former humanity.

The biggest change came when our children were allowed into their schools. The Strangers were divided on the topic. Most said that we were still slaves, but the ones who had gotten used to us, too used to us, said that we had earned the right. That things needed to change. So they did, and our children were allowed into their schools. But we still hated each other.

More decades passed, and it seemed that we had merged together, that we had almost become one. But then there would be a riot, or a killing, and then we humans and they Strangers would remember that we were two separates. Not one whole.

*****


I looked at the diary again. A Collective Diary of Four Former Slaves, the caption read underneath the glass. I looked at it once more. And then I turned away to continue the rest of the tour with my class. Strangers, humans, side by side. And then me, the pale blue skin of Strangers and with the appearance of my human father. The diary was old, it was of another time. Perhaps if those slaves could see what life was like now, in the 23rd century, they would no longer think of Strangers the way they did. They weren’t strangers anymore, anyway. They simply were, and so were we, and we would exist alongside each other for a very, very long time yet.

TIGERSPRITE
Last edited by Tigersprite on Fri Oct 29, 2010 8:47 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:55 pm
Ladynagrom says...



Wow. This is absolutely amazing. It had me at the beginning, and as I kept reading the deeper it sucked me in. PM me if you win the contest!
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Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:34 am
WaywardBird says...



Oh wow oh wow wow oh wow..... That... Has to be... one of the best short stories... ever..... ¡¡¡¡¡EVER!!!!!!
I loved it! I'm gunna keep it if you don't mind, 'cause that's awesome! The only issue I found in it was how similar the points of view looked. Perhaps make one obviously rich and another in the Projects. But that's amazing Tigersprite, really, really good.
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Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:27 pm
Jashael says...



Hey, Tiger!! RAWR! lol Jashy here as requested. =))

My nitpicks are in pinkish font.
~~~
Delete space between comma and zero. =)
Did you know, I had asked aloud, that there were over 10, 000 different states in post-colonial Africa?


But in a flash, half my world had been stolen from me, and the stranger’s beckoning was a shred I could hang onto.


It was like a ship, but like the odd gun the stranger had used to murder my father, it was a colour I didn’t know existed.


We weren’t led into the ship; we had thin, cold discs pressed against our eyes and when they were removed we were inside.


They searched us and stripped us, and when that was finished they gave us new chains.


This paragraph kind of confuses me. Who turned around? =| And how? I'm just confused, Sarreh...
I lifted my weary hands, and I touched the person in front of me. He turned around, a young boy; his sideburns had just begun to grow. His eyes were dead.


“What are they called?” Did your MC say this? If so,

~~new paragraph~~

The boy blinked, and when I was about to drop my gaze he whispered, “Il sconosciuto.” I had taken an Italian class a long time ago, and so I understood him.


There are some things you cannot just set off with commas.
The Strangers took us to where they lived, which was not another planet [color=#FF0080](though we later learnt that they had indeed come from one) but another continent. A part of Earth we had never explored.[/color]

We did try and fight once. We took their weapons and attacked them. But they gathered those who rebelled, and they killed them.

See those two pronouns? Nothing is grammatically wrong, but the pronouns confuse the readers. This should be restated. Probably:
We did try and fight once. We took their weapons and attacked them. But they gathered those who rebelled and they killed the mutineers.


Overall, your grammar was awesome! I couldn't believe what I was reading. =D/ And the plot was great, too. =)) The short clips made it more interesting, pulling in the reader to read more. XD Good job!

~~ Jash ♥
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Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:17 pm
retrodisco666 says...



I am here as requested :D

Well I would like to say I liked it but then doubt creeps on the edge of my mind. Aliens are not my favourite topic but yopu asked for a review so I shall give you one :)

Right from person A's point of view. A young girl i'm presumming. I didn't realise they were aliens. It wasn't until the next persons point of view and until you put aliens until the penny dropped. You tried to be spacey in describing the weapons,(which felt just thrown together and it felt like you hadn't put much thought behind them), but that type of weapons already exist. Sorry to be negative there but the first point of view didn't really work for me, and I didn't think it did much for the story so I am not sure what to suggest.

The second person I thought was much better, although lacking in description and emotion.
The alien led me down the middle of the street, right through the carnage.
For example. Okay you give the basic skeleton now flesh it out. Tell me how the flame soar towards the sky scorching the clouds. Tell me than you see people being sick. Tell me how you fell? I had been expecting this but it never got this bad in my imagination. I wanted to run, to scream, to cry . . . to die.That is a really bad example but an example nether the less. With the blue wires could you describe how they feel. The description was quite good on them but could you put they cut your wrists or the were rough against your skin. This was much better than the first but still needs improvement.

Next person! I liked!The first paragraph was like whoa. It showed real thought and you stepped into the mind set of all the characters for a short while. The next paragraph beautiful description and i got a pang in my stomach and was like whoa, so well done! The next one was equally good.
I had taken an Italian class a long time ago, and so I understood him.
I loathed that line with the upmost passion. Sorry. It was so conicedential. Couldn't your character be like. I didn't understand him, but I didn't need to. Another bad example I know but something like that.

The next person. Pothole for me. If it is an unexplored part of earth, how would you know it was Earth? Just a thought. This person was flat. Very flat. I didn't feel sorry for them. It felt rushed, you need to pack this piece to the rafters with emotion for it to work in my opinion. As it is very non-chalance about the fact Aliens have kidnapped them all and are making them work.

Your last paragraph was a nice little twist that made me smile, and summed a couple of things up so well done for that!

Overall

I think I have said everything I need to. Please remember that this is just of te piece and not you and that it is only my opinion. For it's genre it could have real potential so defiently work on it. And i know see it's for a contest entry, you could have a good shot of winning.

Where I have putI thought it was good, loo at the emotion and try and transpose that into other areas in my opinion. I would give it a 3/10, but again this is just my opinion.

PM me to elaborate or explain or anything.

~Retro Disco666
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Sat Oct 30, 2010 12:29 pm
Sins says...



Heya, Tiger :)

I'm here to review as requested. You'e already gotten some nice reviews, so I'll try not to annoy you by being repetitive. Can I ask, is this for PinkShearwater's contest about aliens? I assumed it was because... well, this is about aliens. Technically not aliens though, I guess, considering they live on earth. Then again, they are aliens because I haven't seen many blue people recently... I'll shut up now.

I have to say, although things like aliens aren't my cup of tea, this was a really good read for me. I loved how you made aliens into something more original. Instead of going for the cliché living on Mars, bright green, bug eyes, skinny things, you managed to put our own twist on what aliens apparently are. One thing I liked a lot was that they lived on an undiscovered part of earth that's clever, in my opinion. Your grammar was very good, and you used a nice, varied vocabulary which helped stop the piece from sounding at all boring or repetitive. I also like the title, for some reason...

The main issue I found here was that, to me, I didn't notice POV changes. I did read your notice at the start, but I kind of forgot about the POV changes as I was reading. I actually thought it was all in the little girl's POV at the beginning until I finished reading, and saw the notice again, reminding me that it was in different POV's. What a lot of people don't realise is that POV changes are hard to grasp well. Don't get me wrong, the way you wrote this was very good, but in a way that's the problem. All of the POV's were written in the same style. They all seemed to think in the same way, I suppose you could say. I did actually notice a bit of a difference with your first POV because thad a childish tone to it, but the rest all seemed similar.

Something else that I'd like to bring up is arguable, I suppose. Basically, I'm about to say what I said in the other review I gave you... Your characters seem distant, almost emotionless. Now, I'm thinking that distant characters are simply your style of writing, and looking back at the other piece I reviewed for you, this is very similar in terms of the way its written. You use Ma and Da, for example. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with that, but I don't know, I'd like to see emotions in this. Actually, this could be a good way of making your different POV's more distinct. For one character, you could make them distant, but then for another, you could express their emotions more. Different POV's are all about the way the character sees things. For example, one character might look at a woman crying and feel sympathy towards her, but another character might see a woman crying and want her to shut up because she's annoying and loud. One character might be emotional, another might not. Do you see what I'm getting at?

The only other thing I have is a question. Why were specific people killed, and others kidnapped? At the beginning, for example, the mother and father were killed, but the girl was spared. I assumed that it was because she was young, but in the second POV, I think you say something somewhere about a middle aged man. Were the hostages taken at random, or did the aliens specifically pick people? Maybe it's just me... Maybe you did make it clear, but I'm being dull. If you haven't explained that though, I'd suggest thinking about doing so. It's not extremely necessary, but it would add an extra touch to the story overall.

Good luck in the contest! I guarantee you'll do well... ;)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Sat Oct 30, 2010 2:06 pm
Lava says...



Heyo!

Just a quick review.
I do agree that you can add a little more of what's going on.A little more description.
My main nitpick is that all the different entries sound the same. They are different people. They have different styles. They have different spelling. You could mix in an American spelling one and then another with British. You have to 'show' us each person.
And you could elaborate a little more on the future. How is the harmony? What's technology like? What's the place like?

Good luck!

Cheers,
~Lava
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Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:28 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey, Sprite! Thanks for submitting a piece. Everyone else is slow -___-
Anyway, here is your review!

First of all, I'm not going to go through an entire nitpicking session with you because that part has already been accomplished. Although there are a few points that I would like to point out, otherwise talk about. For beginners, I wish that you would have put names as every character changes. Therefore we aren't confused as to where the pov had changed and who this new person is we're talking to.
They searched us and stripped us, and when that was finished they gave us new chains. We were chained to each other and they did it cleverly too. They chained English-speakers to Spanish-speakers, Punjabi-speakers to Yoruba, Bosnian to Chuvash. Take away our speech and there is no common ground. Take away our common ground and there is no rebellion.

Brilliant. You dug into the minds of these aliens and gave us a glimpse of their intelligence. I was expecting something clever from you and I'm glad you decided to deliver this. This part here really excites me for some reason. It's just awesome. No rebellion. Good! ahaha.
The Strangers took us to where they lived, which was not another planet, though we later learnt that they had indeed come from one, but another continent. A part of Earth we had never explored.

Ah, interesting. But I wish you went a bit further with this. Technology these days, how in the world would we miss an entire population that was living under our noses? Surely, they have advanced technology and maybe they camouflaged themselves but I'm interesting know more of this part. Where they came from is a big question and one that should be answered with precision.

Now the ending was neat. I liked it a lot actually. The way it was written, the telling of the tale through four peoples eyes - a neat idea. Creativity points for you. Although, I should have seen the ending coming, that they would soon go side by side but I didn't and it actually came to a surprise for me, oddly. I thought everyone was going to be obliterated and there would be a mass war but the story was executed nicely and I had a lot of fun reading it as it progressed. One thing I would like to mention is that it lacked some emotion. Through a diary, it was bit bland and slightly missing some fear. What these people felt while they were going through this terrible experience. The diary would be the only thing that listened to their fears and sorrows, this would have been so much better if you gave us some more emotion. Don't fear it being too long, working up those feelings could do the story some good. Nonetheless, this was great. I liked it a lot.
Good job, Sprite!

-Shear
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Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:32 am
DissolvedIntoCoffee says...



Ugh. That was SO GOOD.

So good that I want to put my final comments and suggestions before the nitpicking I did on some technical and general workings of the piece itself, because I want you to know that this is the coolest thing I've read all week. And one of the best-written things I've come across in a while.

And I don't even like aliens or apocalypses or anything brushing up against aliens and apocalypses. But I liked this. Especially the fact that the Strangers didn't come from some random planet; they were a part of the Earth as much as the humans were. That's really cool. I also found the intro to be really excellent, the voices distinct, and the reveal to be a surprising and surprisingly awesome resolution.

Most importantly, it was gripping. Really, really gripping. I want to read more!

As far as critiquing goes, my major concern is in the details, which I mention a couple of times in the nitpicks. I wavered back on forth as to whether it was really a necessary problem or just a passing whim on the part of me, the reader...but because we're reading diary entries, and because the resolution of the story hinges on the impact of those diary entries, I want some more specifics of this world you've created. Especially near the end. You begin the story with a very precise narrator and end it with one who glosses over every plot point he or she brings up. I like the fact that you can differentiate between the two mentalities-- one is very human, and the other is distinctly beaten-- but what about the rebellion, and the monumental change from sleeping with swine to sleeping in a bed? In order to sell the diary entry and the perspective, I need to have a narrator who feels for something whether it be something positive or something negative.

Also, watch those run-on sentences. Make sure that you're using a semicolon when you have two fragments that are two ideas.

And did I mention that I also loved the comparisons to the Afghan War and the colonization of Africa? I was sold as soon as I read those first paragraphs with the narrator talking about the states. That's exactly my mentality when I'm doing my real history homework.

Seriously, awesome job. Don't let anyone tell you different.


TIGERSPRITE wrote: Note: Just to save you the trouble of figuring it out yourself, after each distinct break the story is written from a different character's point of view. Also, the italics are necessary. :)



We never did expect them to be honest. We just went along in our established world, never expecting and never caring. And so they came. History repeats itself, I suppose.

That day, Ma had been sick. I remember well because it was Sunday, the only day Da let me watch TV. Normally I would lie on the couch, but it was Ma who lay coughing there in my stead.

I sat at the table, doing my homework. It was History; we were learning about the colonization of Africa. Did you know, I had asked aloud, that there were over 10, 000 different states in post-colonial Africa? Ma had coughed in her sleep. But I hadn’t minded. I often talked to myself.

Da was checking on the sheep. Crickets chirped outside, and I had been wondering whether to get myself a snack from the fridge or to stay put and let the gentle whirring of the overhead fan lull me to sleep. But in a blink of a second I had neither of those options, because that was when they came.



They did not come quietly. They did not come quickly. They were loud, but they were slow.


This last sentence is a little redundant, and doesn't add anything for me stylistically.
TIGERSPRITE wrote: Our front door blew open and Ma awoke, her red eyes darted about.



That's a run-on. Either make the comma a fragment or split it into two sentences.
TIGERSPRITE wrote:A stranger stepped inside, the weapon they held in their hands resembled a gun but was too bizarre to be so.

Ditto to this sentence.
TIGERSPRITE wrote: It had blinking red lights and bottles of blue liquid attached to it; it was khaki green as the stranger stepped in but a thousand alien colours in the glow of the living room lamp.

The stranger turned to Ma; she opened her mouth to scream. And then there was a horrible, loud and piercing sound, like metal scraping against a chalkboard a million times over. When I opened my eyes without knowing I had closed them, Ma was still on the couch. Her scream had never left her, and as I stared numbly at the small red spot on her forehead I knew that it never would.

The stranger turned to me. I opened my mouth to scream and I deafened myself. The sharp pain in my ears was quickly overcome by relief, I was spared. The stranger stared at me, gun lowered. And then they beckoned.

Why did I run to this stranger? I don’t know. Don’t think I was a traitor. I wasn’t. But in a flash half my world had been stolen from me, and the stranger’s beckoning was a shred I could hang onto.

And so I went to him.

*****


I’d never known such destruction. We’d been learning about the Afghan War that week, about how there were civilian casualties all the time, bodies lying in streets. We’d seen videos even. Now I couldn’t tell the difference, not between the body-strewn cities of Kabul and the headless torsos in London.

The alien led me down the middle of the street, right through the carnage. Others who looked just like him—they all had that same pale blue skin—walked in and out of houses, high screeching sounds announcing their presence inside, a trail behind them of a person or two in shock proof of their recent exit. As it was there was a middle-aged man behind me.

We didn’t walk for too long. Soon we reached a flat open space; it took me a long time to recognize it. It was the local high street, completely levelled.

The stranger led us towards a strange vehicle. It was like a ship, but like the odd gun the stranger had used to murder my father it was a colour I didn’t know existed.

The stranger stopped me and the man, and from nowhere more of their kind came. We had our hands and legs chained; the blue chains were as thin as wire but as strong as steel.

We weren’t led onto the ship, we had thin, cold discs pressed against our eyes and when they were removed we were inside. I had a brief time to look around and to see all the people, Asians, Europeans, Americans; people from all over the world somehow brought into a single place. And then a hood was placed over my head and I could see no more.

*****


They searched us and stripped us, and when that was finished they gave us new chains. We were chained to each other and they did it cleverly too.


The word "new" struck me as odd...were they previously chained?
TIGERSPRITE wrote:They chained English-speakers to Spanish-speakers, Punjabi-speakers to Yoruba, Bosnian to Chuvash. Take away our speech and there is no common ground. Take away our common ground and there is no rebellion.

The ship began to move, I could tell this by the humming and rumbling. People started mumbling to themselves, a babble of different languages reverberated around the small, hot room we had been packed into. One person in particular was shouting quite loudly. He foamed at the mouth, barking sharp words in a language that sounded vaguely Russian. An alien removed him from his chain gang and took him away. When we heard the sharp metallic sound a second later, we all fell silent.

I felt dead inside. Completely sapped of my will. I looked around as much as I could with the heavy chain around my neck,

It's at this point that I realized I hadn't previously known they were chained around their necks. It's a little jarring because I was envisioning traditional chain gangs and this is an alien story, so obviously some of the details are going to be switched up. Maybe insert a description of how they were chained when it occurs a few paragraphs up?
TIGERSPRITE wrote:and I saw that I wasn’t the only dead one. Grey faces looked back at me, a room of soulless people. We did not fight. We already knew our fate, already knew what would happen. We knew that one day this day would come, that it would happen again. Everything that happens once will happen again. History must repeat itself.

I lifted my weary hands, and I touched the person in front of me. He turned around, a young boy; his sideburns had just begun to grow. His eyes were dead.

“What are they called?” I needed to know the names of these aliens, our Masters. For undoubtedly that was what they now were.

The boy looked at me blankly. I jerked my head towards the single alien with its back towards us and I pointed at him.

“What are they called?” The boy blinked, and when I was about to drop my gaze he whispered, “Il sconosciuto.” I had taken an Italian class a long time ago, and so I understood him.

The Strangers.

*****


The Strangers took us to where they lived, which was not another planet, though we later learnt that they had indeed come from one, but another continent. A part of Earth we had never explored.

These two sentences are odd. I got the gist: the Strangers came from Earth. But in the first sentence it sounds like you're affirming that they are aliens and then denying it. Maybe "The Strangers took us to where we lived, which was not another planet but another continent, a part of the Earth we had never explored.

TIGERSPRITE wrote:
The Strangers changed things. They said our technology was primitive; they killed most of us and enslaved all the remaining. They ridiculed us. They laughed at us.

As we toiled for them, day after day in their stinking factories,

This is another point where I want more descriptions. What kind of work? What kind of factories? How could the primitive humans manage it?
TIGERSPRITE wrote: they tore down our cities building by building and replaced them with their own. What was once ours was no longer.

We did try and fight once. We took their weapons and attacked them. But they gathered those who rebelled, and they killed them. We were quelled.

Decades passed and we became used to the toil. The Strangers had become used to us too, and though they hated us as much as we hated them, they gave us rights. We didn’t sleep with the swine, they gave us houses. We slowly regained a shard of our former humanity.

The biggest change came when our children were allowed into their schools. The Strangers were divided on the topic. Most said that we were still slaves, but the ones who had gotten used to us, too used to us, said that we had earned the right. That things needed to change. So they did, and our children were allowed into their schools. But we still hated each other.

More decades passed, and it seemed that we had merged together, that we had almost become one. But then there would be a riot, or a killing, and then we humans and they Strangers would remember that we were two separates. Not one whole.

*****


I looked at the diary again. A Collective Diary of Four Former Slaves, the caption read underneath the glass. I looked at it once more. And then I turned away to continue the rest of the tour with my class. Strangers, humans, side by side. And then me, the pale blue skin of Strangers and with the appearance of my human father. The diary was old, it was of another time. Perhaps if those slaves could see what life was like now, in the 23rd century, they would no longer think of Strangers the way they did. They weren’t strangers anymore, anyway. They simply were, and so were we, and we would exist alongside each other for a very, very long time yet.

TIGERSPRITE



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"We'd live under the sun and talk so fast."
  





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Mon Nov 01, 2010 1:28 am
Warrior Princess says...



Um....that was brilliant. XP Darn you.
You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.
  





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Sat Dec 11, 2010 11:33 pm
DanielRichard says...



Great job. It was a complete story but it was interesting enough that I'm sure you could add to it if you wanted. For this site it's good to keep things short, but if you want to try to publish it at some point, making it longer might help.
Anyway, one of the best amature short stories I've ever read. I liked the pace, how you changed up the length of your sentences often. Very original take on a story that has been done before (earth invaded by aliens), and I REALLY respect that. It's always fun when writers take an old plot and make it new again.
I hope you won the contest!
"A story is a way to say something that can't be said any other way"
-Flannery O'Connor
  








In the past I would definitely say who you would find inside. Not so much today. Place is bonkers …. As is everywhere
— Greg Specter