Young Writers Society

This is a short story I quickly wrote, yet havn't finished, for my younger brother. It is a story about a robot construction factory that is run by robots. Comments would be appreciated, review would be nice if it was focused on style, voice, word choice, and sentence structure.
Danke
~Eloquent Dragon

They said I was a mistake, a failure. A glitch in the company’s long running perfection. They ignored me; they treated me like sand. An “inanimate” object, said they. A lifeless shell of metal. So perhaps it was that which made me hate them, and then, perhaps not. Perhaps, deep down, I really only hated myself. For they were, in some ways, right about me. I was flawed. Only in my core, where it truly counts.

“Makuro.” Kido said. She had brought me here to this “office” so she could present me to my “creator,” Kido had said. “This is uh, the first module of the Epsilon project.” Kido didn’t stop talking, so I looked around at the “office.” My intelligence chips were still learning how to process and evaluate. I could still not think very quickly or clearly. I felt new. The office was as ugly, bare place with high walls and a long, polished floor. The entire area was unmoving and dead, as if time had passed it by. One side was completely made of glass, and light rigidly cast its light on the floor. Almost as it too, were mechanic. I noticed as Kido finally stopped talking and I slowly drifted back to the present. An old and rusted robot stood slowly at the end of the table. His joints creaked as he moved. So this was Makuro. I was unimpressed.

“I remember this Epsilon project.” He said. He walked over to me and squinted, his face close enough to mine that I could discern all the little scratches in his paint. He chuckled. “Sure took you a while.” I stepped back a little and thought about saying something…I didn’t. “So, eh, what did you say I wanted this, Epsilon project to do?”

“To install a self sufficient charge core.” Kido sighed. I wondered what she meant. Makuro bobbed his head and hobbled over to Kido.

“So…did it work?” he asked.

“No. This module here, well…it cannot understand a word we’re are saying. And it is incapable of speech.” Kido said flatly. As much as I hated the factory, and Makuro, for building me with an error, I hated Kido most of all. Makuro waved his hand in front of my face. I glared at him. He studied me for a bit, lost in his own thoughts.

“Is there any way we could replace his intelligence servos? We’ve tried that previously and…”

“The results have been unsatisfactory.” Kido cut in. Makuro sighed and looked away.

“I just wanted to make something that would help people. Why are we having so many difficulties?” He muttered.

“Maybe you need a vacation?” Kido suggested. Makuro shook his head.

“Maybe.” He walked away.

“What should I do about this…about the failure?” Kido asked. I noticed as she tried to keep her voice from shaking with delight. Makuro stopped, slowly turning back to face us. “You don’t want another William Stormer.” Kido prompted. I was confused. What was “William Stormer?” Makuro stared at me for a long time. Finally he nodded.

“Cancel the Epsilon project. And do what you will with this one.” He spoke as if in surrender. Worry pricked at the edge of my mind. I was invisibly screaming for information.

“You’re dismissed, Kido.”

“Thank you sir.” She said with a curt bow. Then, she grabbed me by the arm and led me out of the office. I glanced back and watched as the doors slid shut behind, catching one last sight of the forlorn figure of Makuro. I turned to Kido; her eyes were slits with amusement. For a long moment, neither of use spoke. The silence worried me, what was Kido going to do? Finally, she spoke.

“I’m sure you’ll understand that this is nothing personal, but I just happen to hate imperfection.” She pulled out a small metal object. I recognized it as a remote control. “Before you go, I just wanted to explain what death is to you.” She ran her finger over the control’s buttons. “It’s when you’re Hero Core stops working, and then, you stop working.” I backed away, already knowing what she was about to do: send me to my death. “Ah, where are you going? I still have to tell you how you’re going to die.” I stopped, unwilling to let my gaze break from Kido’s. “It will be painful, but don’t worry, for it will be fast. You see, I’m going to throw you into the furnace.” I stared at her. “Furnace?” What did that mean? I tried to slow my thoughts down, concentrating as my mind searched for an answer. Then, suddenly, it all made sense. I knew where this was all going. My first reaction was to run away, but I forced myself to remain still, I wanted to see what she would do. Kido raised the remote control.

“Goodbye, my little ‘Epsilon.’” She sneered and pressed a button. At first nothing happened, then I noticed to green light appear down the hallway.

PART ADDED AFTER 11/27
Suddenly, two Sentinel Droids emerged from nowhere. Immediately I knew they were zoned in on me. I cast one last glare at the smug Kido, then turned and ran.
“HALT!” One said. I ran faster. I heard a zing as laser fire pelted the walls all around me. The long, straight hallway provided a clear shot to my back; this was a very bad place to be. I glanced wildly around for an escape route. An elevator control panel exploded in front of me; scratch that plan. Ahead, I could see the end of the hall. But before I could reach it, I felt something slam into my leg. I went sprawling, my sensory wiring screaming in firey pain. The shooting stopped.
“HALT!” The electronic voice was closer. I ignored my busted leg and jumped up, half running, half limping down the rest of the hall. I turned left, light brightly coming in form an opening up ahead. I emerged suddenly into the openness of a plaza, the light streaming through a window high above me in the ceiling. I did not stop running as I passed hundreds of worker-bots going every direction. All my senses were hyper alert; I heard the droids coming my way and chose a random direction. “HALT!” The droids sent up a signal for reinforcements, I could feel the message’s electric pulse in the air. I wound in through the crowd, trying to avoid the droid’s line of vision.
“HALT!” this time the voice came from the front. Suddenly, four more sentinels emerged from the throng in front of me. I skidded to a stop. The droids stopped as I did. Six behind me, four before me. There was no way out. I turned and noticed as the lead droid raised its laser canon.
“HALT!” it said in final warning. It was at that moment that time seemed to stop. All my senses were locked on the droid. I could feel the trigger in the canon automatically cocking itself. The air moved as the laser bolt ripped through it. I was already gone. I dived slowly behind a trolley cart. Time again resumed its course as a shattering explosion rocked the floor. I ducked low as debris flew overhead. The explosion died away as soon as it had come. Taking my advantage, I leaped up and choose a corridor to run to.
“HALT!” I nearly groaned as I heard that voice. Would this ever stop? Laser fire zipped over my head. I raced across the open floor of the plaza and turned down the hall. Spotting a route of escape, and thinking quickly, I leaped into a vertical transporter just as the doors were sliding shut. The first thing I noticed was the silence, and I took the liberty of catching my breath. That’s when I noticed that I was not alone. A small worker-bot was staring at me, eyes wide. I waved to him, but he made no move. So we said nothing as the lift slowed to a stop. The doors again slid open and I stepped out into my unknown destination.

Yes, I know, its against the rules to post your story like that in the text, but I hate exhuastive manuels, though the instructions given on this site are hardly sublime...
Plus I chickened out and did'nt want to use my newbie points...heh.

Note to self: If you want people to review your work, don't comment on it.

Hi, I'm Nephthys, and I will be your reviewer today

EloquentDragon wrote:A glitch in the company’s long running perfection.

Awkward. Perfect record maybe?

EloquentDragon wrote:They ignored me; they treated me like sand.

Is this supposed to be a space-like variation on "treated me like dirt"? Because I don't think it quite works.

EloquentDragon wrote:So perhaps it was that which made me hate them, and then again, perhaps not.

EloquentDragon wrote:“Makuro.” Kido said. She had brought me here to this “office” so she could present me to my “creator,” Kido had said.

Very awkward. "Said" is okay, as long as there is not a better word to describe what the character is doing, but not twice in the same paragraph!

I would suggest that you show this part of the story rather than tell it. Write the scene out in full, because referencing it like this is confusing!

EloquentDragon wrote:My intelligence chips were still learning how to process and evaluate. I could still not think very quickly or clearly.

This sentence doesn't quite flow right either.

EloquentDragon wrote:The entire area was unmoving and dead, as if time had passed it by.

I don't quite understand this simile?

EloquentDragon wrote: One side was completely made of glass, and light rigidly cast its light on the floor.

I'm beginning to get that you like to repeat words a lot. I would suggest trying to come up with synonyms instead of using the same word twice in one sentence. Repetition can work, but in this case, I think it just sounds awkward.

EloquentDragon wrote:Almost as it too, were mechanic.

???

EloquentDragon wrote:“What should I do about this…about the failure?” Kido asked. I noticed as she tried to keep her voice from shaking with delight.

I'm not sure that a voice can shake with delight? Also, would not "hope" or "anticipation" be a better description, since Kido has not yet been told that she can dispose of the robot?

EloquentDragon wrote:“It’s when you’re yourHero Core stops working, and then, you stop working.”

RAWR! Pet peeve!

EloquentDragon wrote: I backed away, already knowing what she was about to do: send me to my death.

This sentence seems redundant.

EloquentDragon wrote:She sneered and pressed a button. At first nothing happened, then I noticed to green light appear down the hallway.

Was that the ending? I'm confused. Did the robot die or not?

SENTENCES:
I think at times you have too many small sentences. I understand that this is on purpose, but if you overuse short sentences, your piece becomes tiring to read.

Also, the flow of your sentences is quite awkward. I would suggest reading your pieces out loud before you post them, so that you can get a feel of how your flow is.

CHARACTERS:
I like them! However, I would like to see more description, especially for Kido. Have your MC describe her perfect appearance, and the preciseness with which she walks (etc). That way it will make more sense to the reader that she hates imperfection.

OVERALL:
I think this is a very interesting idea, and I like your characters. However, as I mentioned before, many of your sentences don't flow well at all. Also, I am very confused about the end- is this the end of the story? Is the green light someone else coming down the hallway? Is it the light of the furnace? If so, why would the furnace light be green?

- Nephthys

Thanks for the review. To answer your question:
No, the end is yet to come. Mwahha ha ha ha aha ha!!!
Also, any tips on how to make it sound as though the MC is still getting used to forming words and thoughts?

Yeah, I wondered why your story was "Danke," then I noticed the comments and it all became clear. Well, sort of. It was confusing for a little while, and I had a hard time associating names with people. I got it, eventually, though.
So I thought it was pretty good. I'm not sure if it was your intention, but I envision Epsilon as looking a lot like Astro Boy, for some reason. I liked the action, and the awkward moment in the elevator was funny. However, the fact that the lift is referred to as a "vertical transporter" after it's already been referred to as an elevator previously (when he first started running) made me wonder if Epsilon is losing information or if you just forgot...Hard to say, but that might be a good plot point.
Also, in response you your pitiful note to self...
The only reasons people might not review your stuff is because it's so beautiful and perfect that nobody can find anything wrong with it (unlikely) or they don't notice it. A good thing to keep in mind: advertisement works (good title, good description, etc).
I mean, people even review sucky stuff. And mediocre stuff.
And I realize you stopped writing all this stuff about a year ago, but I'm getting back at you for boycotting my post.
And it wasn't terrible. And there's only one review.