Young Writers Society

This world is very different from my own; I sensed it from the minute I set foot here. The ground is gray, jagged, the sky an endless black sheet dotted with an array of silver stars. It is silent except for the sound of my breath, amplified by my white suit and helmet I wear for protection. They blend into the atmosphere of this world. I can't see it now, but I know there is a little American flag stitched on the chest.

A few hundred yards back from where I'm standing is the small shuttle that I used to land here, and a ways from that is the spaceship where my colleagues are, where I've spent the last two weeks. I'll be able to call for anyone should I need help, but for this mission I will be on my own.

I walk slowly, trying to tell myself not to be frightened. I've seen this place many times before from back home. There were the camping trips where I slept under it. I think my first date with Vivian was at night. We went to a restaurant, and it was summer so we ate outside. I remember now. It was so small then, so distant.

I wonder how my wife is doing, how Luke and Colleen have been getting along. They will probably be alright; Vivian was always the better with them then I was. No doubt they'll want to here every detail of this trip; two more days and I will be able to tell them. I wonder if Luke will ask if I'm like a character from Star Wars. He loves those movies, and he has Lego spaceships from them scattered all along the carpet. He is simply in love with the fact that the main character shares his name, but that is not why Vivian and I named him Luke.

I take a deep breath. Although this is my first trip up into space, I'm not the first person to walk along this ground. No, that happened nearly thirty years ago. I saw the clips on television growing up. I don't remember the news of it actually happening. I was only a baby.

Before I can take another step, I notice a strange sensation in my back. And suddenly everything feels dry. I begin to cough, realizing that my air supply has run out. I try to run back toward the shuttle, where help will be waiting. But It's too far. I grow weaker. My lungs feel as if they're burning. I'm not ready to die, not yet. My wife and kids are waiting for me at home, waiting for their dad to tell them stories about his first trip to space. I won't be there to tell them.

They told us it would be safe.

But it is. Thirty years ago, a man much like myself accomplished a similar task with no injury. Astronauts have gone into space before and come to their families. This like 2001: A Space Oydessy, but there is no computer gone rogue to blame.

Only my bad luck can account for this.

I hear a noise, vague and faint. They're voices, asking me if I'm okay. I don't have time to respond.

If I only I could speak to Vivian one last time, I'd let her know that everything will be okay.

This is great. It is not original, but I like the suspense you build along the way. Your style possesses voice. And voice is a difficult thing for many writers to accomplish.

Now, I do have some critiques, but most of them lie in the second half of the piece.

It blends into the atmosphere of this world.

This sentence doesn't flow well with me. It could be the slight grammatical error: since you're talking about two things - the helmet and the suit - the "it" should be "they." But just the overall flow of this sentence gets me. It sounds much too abrupt, if you know what I mean. I know you need a reference point for the "chest" in the following sentence, but perhaps you could refer to it another way? It could just be me, though. You could run it by some other users, see what they think.

A few yards back from where I'm standing is the small shuttle that I used to land here, and a few yards from that is the spaceship where my colleagues are, where I've spent the last two weeks. I'll be able to all for anyone should I need help, but for this mission I will be on my own.

"A few yards" sounds much two close a distance for two sizable space ship landings to take place within. How about a few hundred yards, instead.

She will probably take them everywhere they want to go.

You just said that the mom was better with the kids, but now you're saying that she's spoiling them, which I, as a reader, do not think of as particularly exceptional parenting.

No doubt they'll want to here every detail of this trip; two more days and I will be able to tell them.

Here I think you mean "hear."

Before I can take another step, I notice a strange ripping sensation in my back.

This is too abrupt. A moment ago you were talking about how you saw clips of the moon landing when you were a baby, and now...this. Before you delve right into the suspense, you should bring the reader back into the present, at least.

But It's too far.

Now I'm confused. Last I heard you were a few yards away from it. That's too far? I think it needs to be clearer that the character is walking away from it. While I'm here, I think you accidentally capitalized the I in "it's."

I hear something vague and faint. They're voices, asking me if I'm okay.

Change this to: "I hear a faint sound. It's a voice, asking me if I'm okay."

If I only I could speak to Vivian one last time, I'd let her know that everything will be okay.

Awesome. Nice work.

Well, after reading Kafkaescence's review, I have an ammendment to one of his points, or likely more to clarify what he said, we probably mean the same thing:

It blends into the atmosphere of this world.

This sentence doesn't flow well with me. It could be the slight grammatical error: since you're talking about two things - the helmet and the suit - the "it" should be "they."

"They blend into the atmosphere of this world." But, this might be better "My suit blends into the atmosphere of this world."

Again, the suit ripping seems kind of abrupt, and I hope it doesn't destroy the story, but if the suit actually had a rip in it, your eyeballs would be sucked out due to the lack of pressure in the "air". If it is a punctured or empty oxygen tank, then suffocation is fine. Also, don't think that that oxygen is flammable, because I thought the same thing, but I heard that they use an actual blend of what we normally breathe, just for future reference.

Astronauts have gone into space before and come to their families.

"come home" might be better.

Good story, I am actually wanting to see more. Or, read more. I want to know more of the planet and the world, I assume it is the moon right now. I am also curious on simply what the plot is, as this doesn't reveal much, but remember, don't lead the reader on too long, keep new leads coming, or if your story is physical conflict, rather keep the pain coming.
--ShadowKnight155

Shadow -- yep, it's the moon. I had thought that I had made it fairly obvious and I was hoping to get by the story without naming where he was to add a bit of mystery, but I just reread the story and it does seem a bit unclear.

Ka -- Thanks! I realize the transition does seem abrupt, so I will try to lengthen that out possibly by adding a paragraph about how he's scared something is going to happen as this is his first time in space.

Thank you both for your helpful comments!

Hi.

I like this story. May i say your style is terrific!

However at the end, i come away thinking is she dying? Has she died? Why??

Also, i feel a tad emotional when this is happening. Perhaps some more back story on her and her family.

Other than that, i thought it was great and well written.

~ T.K

Heya Elinor!

It is silent except for the sound of my breath, amplified by my white suit and helmet I wear for protection.

I feel like this would read better as "and THE helmet I wear," but it's up to you.

They blends into the atmosphere of this world.

I see you did what Kafkaescence recommended you fix... but you didn't do it all the way! >.< That should be "They blend."

I'll be able to all for anyone should I need help, but for this mission I will be on my own.

Do you mean "call?" ^_~

I walk slowly, trying to tell myself not to be scared.

Maybe I shouldn't be pointing this out, because it's not really a major issue and it's completely subjective anyway--but this sentence (and especially the underlined part) sounds childish to me, especially compared to the rest of the piece. You don't have to change it if you don't want to, it's just something that struck me as out of place when I was reading it.

He loves those movies, and he has Lego spaceships from them scattered all along the ground.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by the underlined bit. "Ground" implies (to me anyway) outdoors, so this makes me think that he has Legos scattered all across their front yard. But I think you probably meant to say (and correct me if I'm wrong--I don't want to put words into your mouth!) that the Legos are scattered around the house, right? Maybe say "floor," in that case? Rather than "ground," I mean. Or you could elaborate a little here, and paint a bit of a clearer picture? Just some thoughts. Play with it.

I didn't remember the news of it actually happening. I had only been a baby.

This part sounds like it should be in a past-tense piece. But this story is present-tense. Unless I'm very confused (<--quite possible), this should be: "I don't remember the news of it actually happening. I was only a baby."

Thirty years ago, a man much like myself had accomplished a similar task with no injury.

Again, no need to use the past perfect tense ("he had done"), because the piece is in present tense so simple past tense will imply that something happened before the time of the story. What I mean to say is: nix the "had" and this sentence will be fine.

If I only I could speak to Vivian one last time, I'd let her know that everything will be okay.

Nice ending line! But, you seem to have made a little editing error (underlined). ^_^
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Overall, I there isn't really much to say about this (because it's so short!) but it's a great little piece. It really seems like a character sketch, to me--the main point of the piece is to write about this man. The setting and premise are almost incidental, just so long as his personality comes across--which it does. It's fascinating that, for a piece like this, you would choose to have the moon (of all places!) as the irrelevant setting, but it works really well, I think. You've been specific enough back-story to make me not be overly curious, but you've also been vague enough to let me know that the back-story is not the pain point of the piece. Even though I don't even know his name, and know very little about him, AND this is quite short, I know your character surprisingly well. It really reads like a stream of consciousness, and because of the drifting, abstract way it's written I get the sense of silence, darkness, and weightlessness of outer space. Good job!

My main issue with this piece was the moment when he starts thinking he's going to die. I feel like this should be the climax, and it should be really powerful... but it feels rather like more stream of consciousness. The change in style isn't drastic enough for the reader to understand the sudden panic of our hero. One second, he's walking on the moon, in a little bit of a daze about where he is (I got the sense of a dream-come-true moment) and the next second he's passing out, maybe even dieing. But I sort of drifted over this change the first time I read it. The writing of the first part had lulled me into a drifty, dreamy mood and if you wanted to wake me up from that mood you would have to write something really punchy and abrupt. Maybe even go for a few one- or two-word sentences, just for contrast. Really, I think you could do to make that shift stand out more.

The other issue (which is really part of the same issue as the last one) is with the thoughts he has as he is suffocating. I'm not sure what his attitude is. Is he in denial ("This can't be happening.")? Or is he resigned ("If only I could speak to Vivian one las time...")? It's fine if you want his emotions to go through a spectrum (maybe starting with denial, then optimism, then a sad realization, then resignation, or something), but I think you need to elaborate on that thought process. Right now it just feels a little bit bare to me.

Other than that, just be careful with your past tenses. I think this is probably from editing, but there are a few places that are in past perfect that should just be in simple past. I think I pointed them all out, but just watch out for it! ^_~

Overall, though, I thought this was a great piece! You did really well with developing a character, and portraying him withing a short story. Great job! I know I shouldn't be saying this, since I'm competing against you, but... good luck with the contest! ;)

Of course, let me know if you have any questions or anything about my review. ^.^

a

Heya, Ellie. Like I promised, I'm here to review this for you.

This review may be a little short, so if it is, I'd like to apologise in advance. Okay, overall, I like this. Like Azila said, I surprisingly like your character quite a lot. This is a short piece, but you've managed to create an interesting character within the space of a short time. That's definitely the best thing about this, I think. I also like the descriptive part at the beginning, by the way. It set up a good atmosphere.

You asked me why you didn't place in the contest, so obviously, I do need to mention the negatives. I think the main reason this didn't place was because it could have been expanded a bit more, then turned into something even better. Basically, this has loads of potential and I think you could have really brought it out some more. Although I do rather like the vagueness of the piece, in some places, it feels a little too unclear. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want you to give me your MCs entire life story, but I think you could have been more vivid and descriptive here and there. Ultimately, you would make it longer, I guess.

Something else I'd like to bring up is actually what Azila said. I really think you could have done something more with the dying/death scene. I'm not too sure on whether he dies or not, but I actually like not knowing. It works well. Anyway, I would have liked to have seen you giving it a bigger impact. Like Azila said, it feels like it should be the climax of the story, but it doesn't stand out much to me. It almost feels like you rushed it. I suppose this could connect with the first critique about the length actually. I would have liked to have seen you spending more time on some scenes and the emotions that were created from them.

To put it simply, this is really good, but if you'd have expanded on the idea and maybe made it into something bigger, I think you would have had more of a shot at being placed. Don't get me wrong by thinking that you didn't place because this was short. There are plenty of short, short stories that really create an impact, but when it comes to this story, I think that making it longer and more detailed would have been effective.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Really neat story. Definitely liked how it was a brief glimpse into the final moments of someone's life, and that the person just happened to be an astronaut. The voice was well-done, and the story's brevity definitely made it accessible enough to where it didn't feel pretentious or boring.

No doubt they'll want to here every detail of this trip

I think you mean "hear." That, and the fact that "Star Wars" isn't italicized are the only two specific nitpicks I could find.

Other than that, I would say to limit the pop culture references. Star Wars is cool because it makes sense in the context of his reminiscing about his family, but the 2001: A Space Oddysey thing kind of comes out of nowhere and doesn't really add anything. It was a little difficult to tell that he was on the moon (having him look up at Earth or something should clear that up), but it was obvious enough that most people should pick up on it.

Other than that, this was a really neat story Can't wait to read more from you!