Young Writers Society

[removed]

Bonjour, MMM!

I get the feeling that this supposed to be a hardboiled-detective-noir piece, I'm not a fan of the genre in general nor do I really know the conventions, so, prior warning given!

I brought a cigar to my mouth, bit, and aimed my laser pistol at the far end. Best damn firearms ever, apocalypse or not, because they allow the good fortune to shoot a man dead a hundred yards away. No questions asked with a laser shot, it just ate through the body. If you were damn good, you could get the shot square in between his eyes in an instantaneous blur. A sick smell of burning flesh would let light pour through the head, and gave the worms an easy point of entry.

This seems like a kinda slow way to start off. Who is Hattrick addressing, the reader? If he is comfortable enough to use a laser gun that could kill a man as described as a means of lighting his cigar, then it must be considered fairly common technology and so he wouldn't really need to go into that much detail about it.

From there, we're still getting into things quite slowly; memories of the rockets, Hattrick's real name (which doesn't seem to be mentioned again all at throughout the piece, so why bother now?), pocket-watches. It sets the scene, but then I'm an impatient person. I get bored very easily and want things to start happening. I guess it's hard to have action if all that's happening is Hattrick is waiting for a ride, but it feels as though we're very focused on him and his smoking (which I have do admit, I do approve of. Characters smoking is soft spot of mine~). We have snow falling from the sky that looks like ash, we're in a post-apocolytic scenario, but what's out setting? Out in the wilderness? In some decaying city? Hattrick is waiting, but where exactly? Also, why light his cigar with his gun the first time, and then match the second? I know that it's best to light them with something wooden.

---

like a fire sprouting in every direction

Sprouting is a word I'd associate more with plant life and growth, not with flames. Sprouting is a slow earth process whereas fire is more of an instant spark.

“Sulfur, Hattrick, is that what you’re thinking now?”

“What do you mean?” Faith furrowed her eyebrows.

“Fireworks, you hate seeing them alone. Something about-,”

“Sulfur, they smell like rotten eggs.” I finished her thought.

She frowned slightly and pointed into the glittering sky.

“Can’t you enjoy them for the meaning?”

This dialogue really really confused me. At first I assumed with was Faith talking, but then with her furrowing her eyebrows at the next line I then thought those were her words, but I didn't see why Hattrick would be referring to himself in the third person. I had to piece together the pieces of who was saying what myself reading through it a few times just to work out who was saying what. (Also, I'm assuming sulfur is the American spelling of sulphur?)

My grandfather was a hearty man and he smoked ten every morning

Generally in terms of cigars, they last from about 30-90 minuted depending on the type of cigar, if you're smoking one slowly to appreciate it properly (I'm not totally jealous that my friend bought one recently and he has not at all been rubbing it in my face...) so, to me at least, ten in a single morning seems like an awful lot.

In general, this scene seems to repeat the same things several times, the smell of sulphur (which I've personally never associated with fireworks so maybe that's why it stands out to me more) the watch being mentioned in a memory, and then by Faith. At the moment it seems like things aren't really flowing properly, they're disjointed and it feels a little like you're overemphasising the point this watch is important! Remember it!. It's not too subtle.

As an aside, you have some sentences that feel pretty awkward, a few examples:

Smoke exhaled through my stern, tense lips making a ring that hung against the brim of my Stetson, then dispersed at the edge.

As the smoke cleared, the snow resembled a million pieces of ash falling from a fire in the sky.

Faith cupped my hand with the watch and smiled.

---

With a flick, the match plopped into the black water of the river, hissing venomously; if only I could capture that sound in a jar, this life would have been so much easier.

Aside from the concept of that sound making things easier (I don't really understand it) I love that imagery.

I have to admit, I being to switch off here. The story in general is moving very slowly and we've reached another point full of explanations, about Little Manhattan and about Mr Eli and the Samaritans, and again nothing is actually happening during this period. Explanations are necessary, but it's always a danger in science-fiction that they're dumped all in one go because it's things that in a sense the reader needs to know to make understand this new setting. I think in this way I agree with you that this is something more suited to a novel, or at the least a longer piece; it would give you more opportunity to set these things out at a more even pace and to distribute them in a manner than doesn't leave the reader ploughing through chunks of information.

I'm also a little confused by the time-line at this point: we start off with Hattrick waiting for his ride, then we have a flashback with Faith, then the meeting with Mr Eli just before the first scene, and then we're back to waiting, right?

Also! The sudden news that we're waiting at docks by the river knocked me a little, in my mind, in the first scene, I had us standing by a dirt path, in the barren wilderness of a dilapidated city with the snow falling all around us, waiting for something with wheels, rather than something like a boat.

I took the pocket watch out and stared at the back. With a flick of the wrist it flew over the river and in my other hand my laser pistol aimed and fired. A clean shot through the middle; my aim was still true if nothing else.

I think this annoyed me, perhaps there's meant to be some symbolism here; the watch representing Hattrick's old life in Little Manhattan, his memories of Faith and his Grandfather and Hattrick destroying it. It just seems to be done so flippantly, especially with the way that its supposed importance had been built up so far throughout the piece.

---

I'm really sorry to say it, MMM, but I really struggled to get through this. Once Hattrick boarded the White River I was pretty much forcing myself to read the rest, but I found myself skipping over paragraphs that were filled with needless description which was slowing down an already slow story, my mind was soon wandering onto other things and by the end I had pretty much switched off completely. At the moment this is extremely dense in the same manner that a cake might be, it's heavy and rich and moist and you can only manage a little at a time before it really becomes too much. There's so much explanation and back story in comparison with so little actually happening. It makes it very difficult to visualise and keep up with the story, it seems like all that is happening is people standing around, either waiting or talking or smoking, with Hattrick occasionally shooting things. It reminded me a little of Night Watch in a way; the book contains a lot of text that is the main character, Anton, philosophising about his situation and various politics of the story (I think that and him walking in on other characters sleeping with each other makes up the entire second section of the book if I recall), but it's balanced out with sections that are extremely fast paced and full of action and things happening and excitement and the like. I think that's my problem with this, it feels very unbalanced and I can really understand what you mean when you say that it feels like there's something more pushing at the seams.

If you have any questions or anything (I'm not always the best at explaining myself ;___;) just shoot me a PM or something, my good chum.

-Tinny

I'm really sorry to say it, MMM, but I really struggled to get through this. Once Hattrick boarded the White River I was pretty much forcing myself to read the rest, but I found myself skipping over paragraphs that were filled with needless description which was slowing down an already slow story, my mind was soon wandering onto other things and by the end I had pretty much switched off completely.

Don't apologize Tinny, I respect your attempt at getting through it, and, you did you poor creature! It's resoundingly annoying getting any worthwhile opinions, real life or not, that can help shed light on something. You've said a number of things I agree with and didn't think of either. I'm thinking of whittling this down to its barest bones, just enough description, and a nice intimate close-up instead of a grandiose view in a....short story. At the same time it could stand to be a novel, but I have to, HAVE TO, in my opinion toss some of these half-a$$ed ideas and characters.

Thanks for taking the time Tinny.

edit:since you mentioned it is like Night Watch, I must now do anything I can to erase that feeling. I can't stand those books.

Sorry I took so friggin' long to get this done!

So, first of all, I love this and secondly, I agree with you, it does need to be a novel. 
But before I get into that, I'll get onto my review

""I brought a cigar to my mouth, bit, and aimed my laser pistol at the far end. Best damn firearms ever, apocalypse or not, because they allow the good fortune to shoot a man dead a hundred yards away. No questions asked with a laser shot, it just ate through the body. If you were damn good, you could get the shot square in between his eyes in an instantaneous blur. A sick smell of burning flesh would let light pour through the head, and gave the worms an easy point of entry. ""

This is a good paragraph but it feels...unnecessary...in a way... You go from him lighting up a cigar to a gruesome description of ways to kill with the laser pistol. While it says alot for Hattrick's character, as far as his way of thinking goes, it just seems a little random. I dunno if I'm making sense...
Moving on...

""Nothin’ like a smoke, Hattrick. Soothes the soul.”""
  
I like how he talks to himself, it makes one think he has been alone for quite some time, which gives the reader a sense of sympathy for him, which is always a plus... so... +!! 

""Another drag went smoothly through my parched lips and my face was shrouded in gray hues; sometimes I swear I can see the gods of high in those swirling streams of smoke. ""

I really like this paragraph. It really caught my eye for some reason. 

""More importantly, I needed to clean the half inch layer of crud and dust from the lens. ""

A half-inch?! That's quite alot of crud and dust! ; ) I feel like "crud" considering the immense vocabulary you've given so far is kind of... Weak... Filth or grime could perhaps replace it? And then cut out "dust" completely,  it's redundant :/ 

""“Damned lens had a lifetime guarantee,” I muttered awkwardly, cigar in mouth, fumbling with the watch in my hand, which was marked in worn letters, man fa tur 1955, on the backside. “it's only 2045...” My voice trailed away before I could finish. I took out a match to relight my cigar. A flame sprouted and I puffed.""
 
I like Hattrick's sense of humor, and his personality even though we don't really know him that well yet. "man fa tur" I think this should be either italicized, or put into quotation marks and capitalize the first letters. 

""“Hattrick! Really? I though you quit. You’re going to get lung cancer from that.” ""

Typo? Though should be thought  

""Her shock didn’t surprise""...

...me??

""I would die young, too stupid to have regrets, and idolized by romantics. I could be like Jimmy or Lennon, maybe even Morrison; but I wasn’t them, I’d grown old.""

I like the references you've made here of some of my favorite people, but I notice you said the last names of the last two and left Jimmy with his first name, which I think kinda interrupts the flow of things. Hendrix, Lennon, and Morrison? 

""On this particular day, waiting to go to Gotham, I’d been awake for hours in the early morning. Mr. Eli had called me out at the crack of dawn, and when he told me where I was going, I almost fell over. No one that went to Gotham returned. I didn’t actually want to go, but like everyone else I did as Mr. Eli says because it seems right.  

“Hattrick it’s time for you to move on.” He announced as I walked into his office. He offered me cigars and I helped myself. ""

This bit confused me as far as location and everything goes. Or Is this some kind of transition, like he is  thinking back on what happened earlier that day? 

""I took the pocket watch out and stared at the back. With a flick of the wrist it flew over the river and in my other hand my laser pistol aimed and fired. A clean shot through the middle; my aim was still true if nothing else.""
  
I, too, had a hard time understanding why this happened. Maybe a bit more thought on why?

""

“She’s the only thing I ever loved. Doesn’t it make sense that I still think about her occasionally?” I snapped back at St. Peter, whipping my pistol in the air in front of his face. ""

I feel like Hattrick kind of overreacted...

I didn't see anything wrong with the rest. In all, I think this is a very well-written piece. But it is...lacking... 
   I believe, to make this more of a novel, you would simply have to elaborate the plot and while also making everything more of a mystery. 
So basically, everything happened pretty fast while really barely anything was happening at all when you get down to it. My advice??
   Instead of skipping straight through some locations that could serve as some interesting points for action and dialogue, take your time in writing out scenes there, and show how Hattrick behaves around different societies and environments.
   This is a post-apocalyptic time-period, I feel as if there needs to be more of an apparent struggle for life. 
   Another thing you could do is give us more flashbacks, let us get to know Hattrick a bit more, tell us about his past, tell us what happened to the world in the first place. 
  Maybe you could even throw in a few more characters with backstories of their own and perhaps even slow Hattrick's journey to Gotham down to a walk, just saying. 
   However, don't stretch the story out so that it's totally obvious that you're just trying to fill in space. I've read alot of books that do that (i.e Robert Jordan) and as a reader it's frustrating and boring and it's easy lose interest. 
   So yeah, I say, take your time. Outline some plots and chapters, let them sit for awhile and then go back over them, refine it and THEN try your hand at chapter one

I hope I helped you. I'm crashing from a caffeine high and I barely make sense to myself. If that's the case then feel free to PM me, I'm here all the time day and night. 

Keep it real : ) 

Belle

P.S: sorry if I was too harsh