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Young Writers Society


A Deadly Game



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Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 12
Wed Feb 23, 2011 4:15 am
Ladynagrom says...



Eetoo stood on his square of the stage-wood painted white, worn over the years by the feet that tread upon it-, his fist clenched and his jaw set. He examined the double rows of criminals across from him. Each one was dressed in white, some wearing ridiculous costumes. The harsh voice of the prison guard caught his attention, and he watched as the boy next to him- dressed in black, the same as himself- stepped forward two squares, coming to rest on another black square. Eetoo's gaze passed over him with curiosity. The child couldn't be older than thirteen, and yet he stood on this stage, in the same row as Eetoo no less! Only the worst of the worst made it onto Eetoo's row in this game, they were the ones with the highest chance of being tapped out. The prison guard opposite Eetoo's own shouted a command and a tall man dressed in white, made taller by a top hat, strode diagonally, squeezing in between two others dressed in the same color and made his way to a new square. His face was pale and Eetoo watched with pity as the man leaned over and retched. Eetoo felt his own stomach turn, and clenched his stomach. All the prisoner's nerves were stretched taut, and this would be a common sight through the rest of the time. Two commands later and the top hat man moved again, this time squeezing past Eetoo and stopping in front of a large woman dressed in a dyed black soldier uniform.


The woman backed away, shouting. The top hat man reached out a shaking hand and tapped her on the shoulder. Guards appeared from seemingly nowhere and grabbed at the struggling woman. Eetoo watched in horror and sympathy as she disappeared off the stage. Several moments later a gun shot rand through the sky, and the crowd surrounding the stage roared with approval. Eetoo fought the revulsion and rage that swept through him. How could they enjoy this? How could these people crowd around the stage and watch as mostly innocent people were killed? How could they stand by and cheer as a lowly con received the same punishment as that of a murderer?

You were one of them. The ever present, ever nagging voice in the back of Eetoo's head reminded him. Yes, but I'm a murderer. I'm SUPPOSED to like death, he shot back. The voice silenced, but still left Eetoo with a feeling of heavy guilt and hypocrisy. He had as well. He had been just as bad as them, cheering when someone was tapped out, throwing cruel taunts when someone cried or puked. The game progressed quickly and he watched with intensity, waiting for himself to be commanded to move. The crowd hushed in anticipation as a young woman dressed in all white, very fancy clothes walked forward. She stood just in front of a short man in a black dress suit. She quickly tapped him on the shoulder, mouthing the words:


"I'm sorry," as he was dragged away. The next moment a woman in equally regal clothes stepped in front of her, her black dress contrasting against the other woman's white. The order was called, and the woman in white tapped her victim. Immediately, the black dress woman was gone, and the one in white stepped forward.
An order, this time from Eetoo's side.
A man in rich black clothing tapped the woman in white's shoulder.
The guards appeared once more, dragging her away.
A few moments passed.
A gunshot rang in the air.
Cheers could be heard for miles, Eetoo guessed.
The game continued, one command, one gunshot, one death after another.


How had he gotten there? How had he become caught in the web that was the public's favorite game, and the government's favorite way to make room in the prisons? He had an anger issue, sure, but that couldn't be enough to get everyone's favorite radio DJ thrown in jail, could it? Depending on what happened because of it, then yes. Yes it could
Eetoo's head snapped up at the sound of cheering. An older woman dressed the same as him was now being adorned in beautiful black robes. A smile curved across the broken man's lips.
"Congratulations." He whispered hoarsely. Perhaps now he had a chance to live. His team had slowly lowered to him and three others. With this girl's promotion, perhaps they could win. Perhaps he could go free, perhaps he would be able to taste the sweet, wonderful, fresh air. Perhaps he could beg forgiveness from his in-laws for-
A chubby man dressed in white stepped next to him, and he felt his heart stop. No. It couldn't- he couldn't- it wasn't possible-


"No!" He yelled, his voice lost over the yells of the crowd. A command from his side and he watched as one of his teammates strode forward, throwing him a pitying glance. His prison guard had ignored his danger. He couldn't believe it. "No!" He yelled again, falling to his knees. It wasn't fair! He had been so close! So close to that freedom he had so dearly craved. So close to being free for the first time in years. He didn't hear the command, nor feel the tap on his shoulder. He felt the rough arms of the prison guards on his and immediately pulled forward with all his strength. Sadly, all his strength wasn't even enough to pull the guards forward even slightly. He struggled as they pulled him back, held back tears burning his eyes. The crowds jeers assaulted his ears as he was pulled off the stage.
"No! Please!" He screamed, pulling forward. The rough arms pushed him through a curtain, and placed him firmly into a chair. His legs were timed down, and his arms held back. A gag cut into the sides of his mouth as they tied it tight, and blind folded him. The wardens voice began to speak.


"Eetoo Pnaw, five years ago you were sentenced to the New York state penitentiary for the remainder of your natural life for the murder of your wife Lillith Pnaw, and Ricard Marst. Due to over population within the prison, you were given the chance for early parole. Because you failed at attaining this parole, you have been sentenced to death, effective immediately. May God have mercy on your soul."
Mercy on his soul?
Please. He couldn't even survive a game of chess.
"I take a long time in the bathroom. It's what girls do. Excuse me for my gender." - Me to my brother
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 6
Wed Feb 23, 2011 8:22 pm
Amissa says...



Hello Ladynagrom! I thought this story was really great. When I first started reading, I felt confused but intrigued. I had an inkling of what was going on, and I wanted to learn more. I would have liked to know more about what crimes the other criminals had committed, like the young boy described in your first paragraph. What kind of criminal would get to play the King, the most protected piece on the board? Your main character is very interesting. He seems to find the game barbaric, but only because now he's one of the pieces. Before that, he thought it was great fun and had no real sympathy for the people who were killed. He doesn't even feel sorry for the murders that he's committed and only wants to save himself. He doesn't even seem to have much to lose since he is doomed to either die in prison or die in the game.

I would like to know more about the audience. Is the game broadcast over television, or is it an event that people must pay for a ticket to see? The best suggestion that I can give is to maybe add a few more details about other characters, the prisoners, the audience, and even the prison warden. Maybe the prison warden has a grudge or past relationship against your protagonist and that's why he let him get taken. Maybe he's just a jerk like that, or maybe he just wasn't paying very good attention. There are also some parts that you might want to polish up for spelling and grammar, but overall this was a fantastic story, and I was happy to read it.
  





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Mon Mar 21, 2011 6:01 pm
Phaix says...



ooooo
myyyy
gooossshhhh

This was wonderful, I really enjoyed it. Very, very good. You are an excellent writer, and this is shaping up to be an excellent story. (That is, of course, if it continues.)
I loved the idea behind it, the futuristic and sadistic game of chess that seems like an equivilent of Roman gladiators :) Fantastic.

A few pointers; firstly, there were many, many typos in this piece. Go over it very carefully, reading it outloud. Something as silly as spelling mistakes can pull down a nigh on perfect piece. Keep an eye out!

She quickly tapped him on the shoulder, mouthing the words:


"I'm sorry," as he was dragged away.


You dont need a new paragraph here before the dialogue, but you do need one at the end of the sentence. This is the only structural fault I noticed.

Another thing; Eetoo's reaction to "losing" the feels overly dramatic. Obviously, it is a dramatic moment, but even after only knowing him a few paragraphs I felt that he wouldnt fall to his knee's, for example. But he is your character and it is all up to you! Just food for thought!

All in all this is wonderful and I am intrigued by it :) Please write more!!
I will live forever, even if I die trying.
  





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Tue Apr 05, 2011 2:53 am
UnicornNerd says...



Oh. My. Goodness. Wow! This totally boggled my mind! It was amazing and scarry and dark and funny, all at the same time! It reminded me of the Hunger Games. The ending was the most amazing and wonderful thing of the entire story. There is absolutely no better way to end it.
  





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Tue Apr 05, 2011 10:03 pm
PixieStix says...



I really like it. I think that you had no mistakes in grammar, but you are always a true writter. (I would guess, based on this story.)Great job!!!


~ PIxie2~
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!
  





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Sun May 08, 2011 5:34 pm
silentpages says...



"Only the worst of the worst made it onto Eetoo's row in this game, they were the ones with the highest chance of being tapped out." This sentence should be divided up more where the comma is right now, either with a period or a semicolon... Something.

"The prison guard opposite Eetoo's own shouted a command" It took me a second to understand this. I thought that the prison guard was directly across from Eetoo, and was thinking 'own what?'. I understood after a moment, but it wouldn't hurt to make this part more clear.

" He had as well." This sounds odd, though I understand what you mean. Perhaps you could benefit from changing it to something like, "He had been the same as them." Or something. XD

"He had an anger issue, sure, but that couldn't be enough to get everyone's favorite radio DJ thrown in jail, could it? Depending on what happened because of it, then yes. Yes it could." The thing about him being a radio DJ surprised me, mostly because I forgot that this was a sci-fi story and had a straight-up fantasy vibe in my head. I had to readjust my idea of what the setting was, which took me out of the story a bit. Maybe include some more technology references earlier on? Soft, classical music playing from speakers on each corner of the stage... The flashing lights of cameras from the stands... *shrug* Or maybe it was just me, and you're fine with what you've got. XD

His hope for freedom seems to appear quite suddenly. If his team is losing this chess match (which is the impression I got), then one person's promotion doesn't seem like it would affect him so strongly. His team was still losing, and yet he seems to feel that he was 'so close'... I don't know. It struck me as odd.

"His legs were timed down, and his arms held back. A gag cut into the sides of his mouth as they tied it tight, and blind folded him. The wardens voice began to speak." Tied down. Warden's. And also, maybe you could just say that the warden began to speak?

""May God have mercy on your soul."
Mercy on his soul?
Please. He couldn't even survive a game of chess."
I like that last line, about not being able to survive a game of chess, but I'm not entirely sure how it's supposed to relate to the thing about God having mercy on his soul. I think God could still have mercy on him, regardless of his ability at chess... Is there a way you can make a more appropriate statement with the same idea? I'm trying to come up with suggestions, but nothing really pops... *shrug*

Anyway, I really liked this. It was an interesting concept, and the writing was pretty good... One thing I would've liked to see more of is information on how this situation came about. Why would they pick chess to decide who lives and who dies? What happened to trials, and hearings and stuff? Are the guards actually trying to win against each other, or do they just fool around on the board until enough people are dead?

I'm getting a little bit of your character, but not a whole lot... I'm starting to connect to him, but I'm not all the way there yet. Aside from a brief reference to him killing his wife and some other guy who I assume was her lover, we don't really know why he killed her. And what about the other people on the board? Mostly faceless, all of them nameless. And being that they're quite literally just pawns on a chess board, I guess that kind of makes sense. But I thought you were going to give us a little more information on the young boy who you described towards the beginning, or the girl in white who mouthed 'I'm sorry.' But nope. They all just died. Were any of them cellmates of Eetoo's? Did he know or know of the old woman who was promoted, and he's happy for her? Does he have a friend on the other side of the board? A friend on his side of the board who's in a position to save Eetoo, but can't because the guard won't give the order? Does Eetoo's guard have a grudge against Eetoo for something, or a reputation as the worst chess player in the prison?

This is a good piece as is, but there a lot of little things that you could do to make it stronger, and more connectable to the reader. :]

Keep writing! :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  








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