Young Writers Society

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Hey there!

As far as the rating goes, I'd just just do 12+ (if you want to be sure) since the content isn't too graphic, but still contains violence. To change it, click the 'edit' button when viewing your story in the upper right-hand corner. Then under the 'description' box and above the box where your story is, there's a section called rating. Click the bubble next to 12+ and you're good to go!

I like this story. I think the plot is well thought out and interesting, but you need a bit more description. Just a bit because you don't want to overdo it. There are a few parts that need work especially.

When you're starting off a story like you did, pointing out everything all at once, as if your main character is narrating his life, you want to be sure to include all elements that we may need to know. You can't just say 'I have a mechanical arm and eye and leg' and expect us to be satisfied. To make the beginning of your story a bit more interesting, I'd say tell us the story of how he got that. Was he born with it? Did they put it in him to save his life?

Then, the job situation.

There is no law here and less order. That usually gives me enough work to pay the bills but it’s been a quiet week.

What? I don't understand. What usually gives him enough work to pay the bills? And why does it? If you're talking about him being hired by independent contractors, then specify. We need to know such things to understand.

Then last, the aliens. I felt like I was reading a really cool futuristic tale, with a kind of Treasure Planet atmosphere. Then you mention aliens. The first thing I think of is large scaly, slithery green things. Like those ugly monsters from Halo. But then they seem almost human-like, wanting to steal a diamond. I mean, really, what kind of alien would want a diamond, and why? So it would be nice if you explained it. Like, will this diamond fuel their power-source or something? A little cliche for me, so come up with something awesome!

Overall, this story kept me interested. I'd like to see a bit more of your character's personality. Is he grungy and sarcastic with wit? Or is he quiet, reserved and mature? I have no idea. I like the computer part of him, though. The way you make him speak makes sense for a computer. Just a bit more description and narrowing down certain aspects of your story, and it should be good-to-go with whatever you'll do with it.

Keep writing,

Classy

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Hey, I'm Tr3x.
So, I really liked the idea of two personalities in one body, especially since one is a machine, but I'd have liked more of a back story as to how that happened. As for the plot, I felt it was a little lacking. I get that he's after the diamond, the aliens have the diamond, and the android wants to split it fifty - fifty, but what was the original owner of the diamond hiring him for? What was the android doing there? Was the android involved? The character was nice, with a lot of personality and a rough and ready attitude, but he seemed gullible in believing the android, and that clashes with his expected personality. Also, more background description would have been nice. Where are they? On Earth, another planet or a space station? How are there aliens there? What is the position of society in this universe?
The idea is great, but the story needs a lot of work.
I usually cannot write a story until I know every detail of my own fictional universe, and every detail makes sense.
I hope I haven't been too critical of your work, I really liked the storyline, and think it would have done well as a comic.
Yours faithfully,
Tr3x

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Hello, here to review as requested! ^.^

Right away, I'll say that this story has plenty of potential - but it is very, very lacking in some aspects.

For example; you have description - but the only thing it describes is what's going on. You didn't really explain what anything looked like, so it was hard to picture in my head. He's in a tunnel, that's great. There are aliens. Also wonderful. Yay aliens. But, like Classy, I was wondering what the aliens looked like, what the tunnel looked like - why he had a cyborg arm, leg and personality, and multiple other things.

Not to mention that as I read, the whole thing seemed a bit dry and completely void of emotion. The dialogue wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either - and that's all it was. Somebody arguing with his cyborg personality. Was he screaming, was his voice cracking under the pressure, or trembling because he was afraid? Is it high-pitched at points because he's nervous, or low because he's trying to keep quiet? What was he doing while he was speaking?

You told everything that happened fairly well, but it was quite boring to read and I found myself skimming. Why? Because this guy doesn't seem to have any emotion whatsoever. There was nothing in this piece that told me what he was feeling or really thinking. You don't get his motivation, you don't know what's going on in his head other than "DESTROY THE ALIENS" and there's got to be something more than that. He's been running for a while, and the whole scene where he confronts the aliens has to be a little nerve-wracking for him, right? Was he getting sweaty palms, was it making the grenades and weapons hard to hold onto? Was his arm trembling, affecting his aim? Was he afraid, what was the atmosphere in the room like?

So, in a nut-shell, I can't relate to your character because he seems to feel absolutely nothing. And, part-cyborg or not, no matter how stony cold or selfish a person is, we all have thoughts and emotions. I want to see a little bit of that.

Another thing that struck me was that this guy seems pretty much perfect. The alien's defeat seemed to be super easy for him to handle - I mean, he didn't even break a sweat or feel any fear for his own life. A few shots, a little running and bang. One detective with a few weapons just killed a group of aliens - no sweat. It was unrealstic and made your character seem like a bit of a Gary-Sue. Sure, defeating the aliens isn't a bad thing - but it couldn't possibly have been as easy as you made it seem.

I do like the general idea of the story, but it could use quite a bit of work. Throw some personality and emotion, something to attatch me to the character, along with a little more detail and conflict, and you've got it made.

Thanks for the request, and sorry if this seemed harsh,
~~Ish.

Hi there! I have come, as requested. *bows*

You've already gotten some great reviews here, and they really seem to have covered most of the biggest issues, so I'm not sure if I can say much that will be helpful to you--but I'll try my best.

First off, there are a lot of awkward phrases and little typos and things like that scattered all over this piece. I would go and point them out for you, but I really haven't got the time to do that right now, and I think you can probably find them yourself. It takes a lot of nit-picky work to find that kind of thing in your own writing, but I suggest you invest in it--it will be worth it. Maybe try reading this out loud, or having someone read it out loud to you? I find both of those tremendously helpful for this kind of thing.

That said, I have to tell you that this isn't really my kind of piece. I'm not big into the really action-y battle-scene-ish stuff, generally. It just doesn't hold my attention very well. So if I seem a little unenthusiastic about this story, that's why.

However! Even though I'm not huge on this style of writing, I do think you have potential. For one thing, you clearly have a very clear handle of your world here. You reference things that we don't have in our world, and you reference them as if the reader already knew about them--I like that. It makes the whole thing feel very real and immersive. It makes me feel like the narrator is really someone from that world. Nice. I also think you've got a pretty good premise here--you have a stable idea and setting and all that. A great foundation, I think.

Now I'd just like to see you build on that foundation a little more. This piece, I feel, isn't all that special as a story--it's a bit cliché: aliens are the bad guys, there's a cool, slick good guy, and a glittery diamond MacGuffin. Meh. This isn't that interesting to me--I'm more interested in what sets your idea apart from what anyone else could have written. I'm not saying you have to write about something original, but the way you write it has to be original, otherwise there doesn't seem much reason for me to read it except to read "one of those stories."

How you make it your own is up to you. Personally, if this were me, I would probably work on developing the character a bit more--make him unique, and work on portraying his uniqueness in your story. Another thing I might do would be to work on developing the world more. I can tell you have some interesting ideas here (cyborgs? aliens? cool!) and I'd like to see more of them. I can tell that you're the kind of writer who wants to write action scenes, not descriptions or character development or any of that stuff--and that's fine! But I feel like I need to have some sort of background in order to make me interested in the action. You can give this background without adding in huge descriptive passages, though--just try and let us know a little more about what the character is feeling and why. Is he scared? Does he do things like this every day? I want to know more of that sort of thing, because as it is I don't really care about him or the aliens or the diamond because I just don't know enough about them to care.

Anyhow, nice job. It feels like this could be a scene from a novel or something, and that would be great because I would have had the rest of the novel to gain knowledge and get to know what's going on. I'm also intrigued by the whole Jeckyll and Hyde reference... very intrigued. You've got a good idea here. I'd like to see you elaborate on it!

Please PM me or write on my wall if you want to talk about any of this.

I hope it helps!

a

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Oh my god! I'm so so sorry it took me so long to review this. I'd started to review your story but wasn't able to finish it and then forgot to get back to it. So sorry :S

On to...
Oh crap. Captain Classy, Isha and Azila reviewed before... I'll do a little of fortune telling and predict that I'll be pretty useless XD ha ha. But I'll mention everything I see that needs to be commented on, hopefully something in there will be useful, ha ha.

Cthulhu wrote:My name is Jonathan Hyde. I’m a detective, mostly, but I’ll do just about anything if the price is right. I have a cyborg arm, leg, and personality. He’s named JK11, but I call him Jek. We live on Norn Station. There is no law here and less order. That usually gives me enough work to pay the bills but it’s been a quiet week. Hell, it’s been a quiet month so when I got a call from a man outfitting a treasure hunting expedition my only questions were when, where, and how much?

Okay, this first paragraph is lacking "flow", if you know what I mean. Here the MC describes himself physically, talks about his professions, where he lives and how he thinks. Normally, a person would do this in a specific order and in lots of detail. (despite what people say, everybody likes to talk about themselves) Instead your character talks about loads of stuff, in a chaotic order, in only a few sentences. Not very realistic. I'd extend on this a little.

Cthulhu wrote:“How the hell should I know?” I responded, kneeling over the body.

Cthulhu wrote:strange equipment and stranger machines took up most of the available space (wall space, floor space, ceiling space) and it was at first glance empty.

I suggest you don't use the same/similar words in the same sentence.

Cthulhu wrote:Then something moved in the shadows between two pieces of equipment. I spun, training my gun on the gap.

The fact you mention that your MC had to spin around, then it's safe to say he didn't really see the "something". In that case, I'd specify that he heard something move in the shadow as he couldn't see anything, and so he spun to confront it.

Cthulhu wrote:“We don’t have anything better to do,” Jek reasoned.
“Fine, we’ll do it.”

Whoaaaa. I'm soooo not buying that. Just because he has nothing better to do, doesn't mean he's gonna want to chase after someone for money he's not even really sure he'll get! You need more explaining; this is too simple of an answer.

Cthulhu wrote:“No, we just have to worry about whatever snuck up behind him and crushed his skull.” I retorted.

He he, good point

Cthulhu wrote:“If you’ve got a better idea, tell me!” I snapped while putting a second shell into an especially large one.

Allrighty! Nit-picking done.
I gotta say, you have the ideas for a great story, your just missing a lot of depth to it.
First things first: More description to your characters. That is, physical descriptions for the aliens and android, and more mental description for your main character. Even the bodies, I'd like to know if they are gruesome or not, how they died, and other such things.
#2: More background. Why does your MC have cyborg parts? Why does he just take any job? Why are there aliens and androids in the world? Is this the future? Is it a different dimension? etc...
#3: Make this more about the MC. You make it seem like Jonathan is the narrator, but as you go along, I don't feel like he's the one talking anymore; I feel like I'm some random bystander seeing him and not actually part of his thougths and feelings.
And last but not least, add a little more suspense. Sure, your MC is running away from aliens and seeing dead bodies and all, yet he feels nothing. I feel nothing. I don't feel any suspense as to why there are dead bodies. I wasn't the slightest bit worried that Jonathan was going to die. You need to make the reader feel the danger, make us feel sympathy, fear, puzzlement, whatever, as long as we feel something.

It's not easy things to do, but with some hard work, this could turn out pretty damn good!
Keep writing and good luck to you,
Spitfire