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Minders



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Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:28 pm
Jessa says...



Spoiler! :
Alright, this is my attempt at a sci-fi story. I was forced to write one for my creative writing class and this is what I came up with. Let me know what you think!


“I need something that rhymes with away…May, gray, display, day…hmm a word that rhymes with away but means the same as sleep, nap, exhausted. Ugh, none of these words work!”

“Hit the hay, end of day, lay. It all depends on what exactly you are trying to say. Oops, I didn’t mean for that to rhyme. Good luck on your poem,” Kaitlyn says in her head.

“I got it!” Chelsea exclaims as she turns to look at her best friend Kaitlyn.

“What did you got?” Kaitlyn says mocking her.

“My poem, I could not think of a word that rhymed with away…” Chelsea begins.

“But then I told you what to say?” Kaitlyn says interrupting Chelsea without even opening her mouth.

“Ugh, that was you?!” Chelsea exclaims. “And you know what Kaitlyn, I hate it when you make me sound stupid by answering my questions in my head. You make it seem like I am talking to no one!”

“I’m sorry. Over the years my brain has learned to just automatically tap into your thoughts. It is kind of hard to stop.” Kaitlyn thinks.

“Whatever,” Chelsea says storming away.

“Chelsea! I’m sorry. I’ll stop,” Kaitlyn pleads as Chelsea is walking down the hallway.

“Kaitlyn, just please stop!” Chelsea screams as she turns around to yell back at Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn knows she always hurts Chelsea’s feelings. She hates it when she does things to upset her, especially when it has to do with reading her mind. It is so frustrating. Kaitlyn promises herself she will not tap into Chelsea’s brain ever again, or if she does that she will stay silent.

♦ ♦ ♦

As Chelsea enters the lunch room she scans the crowded tables for a place to sit. She sees Kaitlyn sitting all alone in the corner, but there is no way she is going to sit there. She is sick and tired of Kaitlyn’s mind tricks. Finally, she locates a place to sit next to her brother, Logan, and all of his friends. Chelsea places her lunch tray, full of worthless food that she is never going to touch, on the table next to Logan and does not utter a word.

“I can’t believe she thinks she can just take advantage of me. She does not respect me at all!” Chelsea screams in her head.

“Do you want to talk about it?” a deep voice responds to Chelsea.

“Wow, you really think I’m going to fall for that? Just leave me alone! Get out of my thoughts!” Chelsea demands.

The voice goes quiet.

“Kaitlyn, I know you’re still there and if you don’t leave right now I am going to stand up on the table and yell to everyone in the entire cafeteria that Kaitlyn Camdenson has the ability to read minds!” Chelsea says sternly.

“Whoa, Kaitlyn Camdenson can read minds too?” the voice replies back.

“CHELSEA! WHO DID YOU TELL?!” Kaitlyn screams having tapped into the conversation at just the right time.

“Kaitlyn, has it been you this whole time?" Chelsea asks slowly.

“No! I have been leaving you alone, just as you wished. Who did you tell?” Kaitlyn asks as she stands up and storms over to her best friend.

“Umm, I don’t know, I didn’t tell anyone. I was just thinking to myself and then I got angry because I thought you were listening…but it wasn’t you?” Chelsea asks starting to feel bad for telling a stranger about her best friend’s secret.

“No, it was not me. But I swear to you Chelsea, if whoever you told spills my secret, I am never speaking to you again,” Kaitlyn says sternly.

“You know Kaitlyn,” the voice says. “If the whole school knows your secret, you’re going to want someone to talk to.”

“Who are you and why haven’t I come across you before?” Kaitlyn asks confused.

“Our duty is to keep our identity a secret, but your friend here already seems to know which means you violated the oath. I’m going to have to report you, Kaitlyn Camdenson,” the deep voice says.

“What are you talking about? I never took an oath…” Kaitlyn says trying to think back into her past.

“Oh, you must be one of the mortals...” the voice realizes.

“Yes, I am mortal…are you immortal? Who are you?” Kaitlyn asks very confused.

“Yeah, I am immortal, and I am sorry Kaitlyn, but I cannot reveal myself.” The voice says.

“Well, can you at least tell me if you are in the same room as me or what your name is?” questions Kaitlyn.

“I am in the same room as you, and to keep my identity a secret, we will say that my name is Dillon,” the voice replies.

“Oh my gosh, can you two please get out of my head?!” Chelsea says frustrated.

“Oh yeah, sorry Chels. Dillon, pick our new host.” Kaitlyn demands.

“We can’t let anyone else know about this. Since Chelsea already knows, I guess she is our only option.” Dillon explains.

“Well, then how about you come over to my thoughts?” Kaitlyn suggests.

“Wow, you really are a mortal. It doesn’t work like that Kaitlyn. We both have shields; we cannot communicate unless we have a host.” Dillon said.

“We can talk to each other in person,” Kaitlyn suggests.

“We can, but then my identity is revealed,” Dillon says contemplating her suggestion.

“But, you already know who I am and what is the big deal about our identity?” Kaitlyn asks.

“Okay, you obviously need someone to explain the rules to you so I will leave you a note in your locker as to where and when we will meet,” Dillon explains.

♦ ♦ ♦

Chelsea suddenly can not stay away from Kaitlyn. She wants to hear all about ‘Dillon’ and when they are going to meet. Kaitlyn is happy that her best friend has forgiven her, but she knows her intentions are wrong.

“Did he leave you a note yet?” Chelsea whispers.

“Nope,” Kaitlyn says.

“Will you tell me when he does?” Chelsea presses.

“Nope,” Kaitlyn replies.

“Are you listening to someone right now?” Chelsea asks trying to figure out why her best friend is so detached from their conversation.

“I’m always listening to someone,” Kaitlyn says frustrated with Chelsea.

“Wait, like always?” Chelsea asks suddenly more curious about Kaitlyn and her strange ability. “You mean like you are never able to just be by yourself?”

“I can, but it hurts my head because all I hear is screeching,” Kaitlyn says annoyed.

♦ ♦ ♦

Once Kaitlyn arrived at her locker after sixth hour, she found a piece of paper folded into a very small square. It is from ‘Dillon’.

Kaitlyn,
I am sorry, but I need to keep my identity a secret so we cannot meet in person. I will explain as many of the rules and questions you might have in this note. First of all, we need to keep our identity a secret because if a lot of people know who we are and what we are capable of then we will be heavily recruited to help the CIA or FBI. Helping investigation groups is against our code.

What is our code? Our code is to be helpful to others when they face difficulties or to be there for someone when they fall on hard times. (You have obviously figured this out over the years.) Our leader Victor takes great pride in this. He believes if we don’t use what we know to help others then we are simply wasting our abilities.

What are our abilities? We are able to hear the thoughts of one other person at a time and communicate with them as if they are hearing their own thoughts. Having this ability allows us to put our code into effect. Another ability we have is to talk to each other. Although, as you learned today, we need to have a host to talk through. This does not happen often because we need to keep our identity a secret (as I said before). Sometimes there is a rare case where we are able to communicate to each other through a common host who knows a little about our secret (Chelsea). When this happens, we need to be careful about what we say so that our host does not learn too much about us.

To assist us with keeping our abilities a secret, Victor has created a code word for us. If you are within a host and you sense there is a third person present, we say the letter “V” with an echo on it. Being that you are fifteen years old and have been a Minder for four years, I would assume you are able to communicate with an echo. If you are unsure what I am talking about, try it. First you say the word and then follow the word with an internal voice inflection. This will not alarm your host. More times than not, they will not even pick up on it. Okay, now that I have officially freaked you out, you are probably wondering what we are. We are not superheroes, we are not villains, and we are not gods, no we are known as Minders. To put this in perspective, we are supernatural. (Much like the characters in those crazy Twilight books that most teenagers your age have read).

How many Minders are there? I have personally met around five hundred Minders in my lifetime, but Victor says there are roughly six thousand of us. How have I been able to meet five hundred Minders? The answer is immortality. Victor usually finds us when we are around seventeen years of age. (And if Victor does not find you then one of us other Minders will).

After you are found, you are given the option to keep your abilities and become immortal or lose your abilities and all memories of having them and remain mortal. As you probably can guess this is where I have to ask you whether you want to remain mortal or be given the freeze of immortality. Of course you do not have to decide at this very moment. You have until your seventeenth birthday. On this day, Victor will come to find you and you can tell him your decision. You will also tell him what age you want to be frozen at. So it is a good thing I found you now, you have plenty of time to decide what you want for your seventeenth birthday. I hope this clears up a few of your questions and I hope to actually meet you in two years at our annual conference. But ultimately, the choice is up to you.
Happy Minding,
-“Dillon”
Last edited by Jessa on Mon Mar 28, 2011 3:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Love is like a butterfly, it settles upon you when you least expect it.
Drew Marrymore

~Jessa~
  





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Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:58 pm
kathy45662 says...



Hey, this was a little confusing at first but then I realized they were reading minds. Then I understood after the first few lines.

I understand what they're talking about and everything. Where are they? Are you going to have more to this story? I keep wondering if they're at school , maybe I missed it and you did mention it? Oh, okay, yes I forgot the lunchroom. I want to know what they're having for lunch!? lol. What's the cafeteria smell like and look like?

I think the story is interesting and hope to read more soon. Have fun reading my long short story lol.

I hope this helped you with your writing. I need critiqued on my critiques I think.
90% of writing is re-writing!
  





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Thu Mar 24, 2011 5:00 pm
kathy45662 says...



Have you ever read the book series by Lisa McMann Wake, Fade, and Gone. Very nice series. This girl can see others' dreams. If not, it's pretty good reading!
90% of writing is re-writing!
  





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Thu Mar 24, 2011 6:09 pm
Jessa says...



Yes I have read those books! They are amazing! I love to read, although now that I have started writing more I find it challenging to read books because I am always questioning why the characters are acting the way they are or I criticize the plot because it is not how I would make them end up...it just takes all of the joy out of reading. Ironically those books are not what inspired this short story though.

I will look at it again and add more senses. The reason I couldn't on this draft is because my teacher said it could not be longer then five pages...and I already cheated the margins, font, and spacing to make this fit in five pages.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this! I appreciate it! :)

-Jessa
Love is like a butterfly, it settles upon you when you least expect it.
Drew Marrymore

~Jessa~
  





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Fri Mar 25, 2011 1:23 am
ultraviolet says...



Okay, I'm not actually out to give a full-blown review here (though if you want one, just ask and I will). I just have a couple of little quick things.

One: If Dillon is trying to keep himself a secret, then why did he respond to Chelsea's thoughts? Sound pretty dunder-headed of someone who doesn't want their presence known.

And second:

“I’m always listening to someone,” Kaitlyn says frustrated with Chelsea.

“Wait, like always?” Chelsea asks suddenly more curious about Kaitlyn and her strange ability. “You mean like you are never able to just be by yourself?”


If they've been friends for a while and know each other well and stuff, then why exactly doesn't Chelsea know this about Kaitlyn's mind-reading powers? It seems like something she'd just know.

Which, you don't want to do stuff like that. Don't have one person tell someone else something if person one should already know it - unless there are certain circumstances that are not present here, like the person is reminding them or mocking them or something.

Well, that's all I have time for now.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

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Fri Mar 25, 2011 5:26 am
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Snoink says...



JESSA! NO. You are not allowed to put this in the short stories section! You must put it in the novels section, and you will COMPLETE this story or I will hunt you down and make you complete it! This is just a really good introduction. And I want to know what happens next. :D

So, basically, if you want me to move this into the novels section, I would be happy to oblige. ;)

Now! As far as the nitpicky stuff go, you don't have to have anything other than "said" as a dialogue tag. So you don't have to have "Chelsea presses" or "Chelsea whispers." It can just be "said." That way, we can focus more on the dialogue and less on the tags!

Also, in the beginning, you started out in past tense, but then you switched to present tense. Keep it in present.

I want mooooore! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Fri Mar 25, 2011 6:52 am
Jessa says...



Haha that review made me smile! I am really glad you liked it! I will seriously try to add more to the story...I have a few ideas of how to continue.

Oh and you said I had some past tense in the beginning? Could you show the edits to me please because the main requirement for this assignment is that we write it in present tense, so I obviously missed these edits :)

Thank you!!
-Jessa
Love is like a butterfly, it settles upon you when you least expect it.
Drew Marrymore

~Jessa~
  





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Fri Mar 25, 2011 6:55 am
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Snoink says...



I looked it over and I realized I only found one in past tense. Yay for over-reacting! It's here:

“My poem, I could not think of a word that rhymed with away…” Chelsea began.


Began should be begins.

And yayyy! Keep me posted when you post more of the story, okay? :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Sun May 08, 2011 6:19 pm
silentpages says...



In the beginning, I thought that Chelsea knew who was giving her the thought. If you're going to make her think that the thought was her own, maybe you should take off the tag that says it was Kaitlyn.

This fight seems very abrupt, and frankly a little important. Not the kind of major fight that would make Kaitlyn promise herself to never tap into Chelsea's thoughts ever again... More like a little squable between sisters, or something.

"“Whoa, Kaitlyn Camdenson can read minds too?” the voice replies back" How convenient... And... How? Why do they have this ability? When did Kaitlyn find out that she has it?

"No! I have been leaving you alone, just as you wished." Until she tapped into Chelsea's head. Again.

That big section of thought dialogue where Kaitlyn and Dillon are figuring stuff out? It... needs work, I think. Dillon doesn't sound like an immortal, and I'm not sure their reactions are particularly realistic... :/
Plus, how does this look to the rest of the lunch room? Kaitlyn randomly got up and stormed over to Chelsea's table, and is now standing there randomly glaring at her with neither of them saying anything.

"Kaitlyn is happy that her best friend has forgiven her, but she knows her intentions are wrong." Why? What are Chelsea's intentions? At this point, I have no idea, because you never gave us any kind of hint that she was 'attracted' to Dillon or anything. There wasn't even that much of a reaction when he said that he was immortal.

Whose point of view is this story told from? At first I would've said Chelsea's, but I'm also getting a lot from Kaitlyn. Pick a character and stick to it, not letting us know anything that that character wouldn't know themselves.

" First of all, we need to keep our identity a secret because if a lot of people know who we are and what we are capable of then we will be heavily recruited to help the CIA or FBI. Helping investigation groups is against our code." Why? Wouldn't helping crime-fighting organizations to stop crime be a good thing? A better reason would be, oh, I don't know, EVIL people trying to use them. Or average people trying to take advantage of them, swarming them 24/7.

"Our leader Victor takes great pride in this." Is Victor his actual name? Because if it is, then why is 'Dillon' (under an assumed name) blabbing about it? Unless... He IS Victor! o.o Dun dun duuuun...

V with an echo? Really? :/ That's not even really a code word, it's just a letter. And if I randomly thought 'VVvv..." I think I would notice it. XD

"We are not superheroes, we are not villains, and we are not gods, no we are known as Minders. To put this in perspective, we are supernatural. (Much like the characters in those crazy Twilight books that most teenagers your age have read)."
GAWR PLEASE DON'T MENTION TWILIGHT EVER EVER NEVER EVER NO!!!!
Seriously, please take that line out. Not just because I hate Twilight, but also because it's irrelevent, it dates the story, AND you may tick off Twilight-despisers like myself.
That said, I like the first part of this land. Maybe you could change it a bit. "We are not superheroes, we are not villains, and we are not gods. But we aren't humans, either. We are Minders."

"you are given the option to keep your abilities and become immortal or lose your abilities and all memories of having them and remain mortal." Uh... Why? How? How do they have the ability to make people immortal, and/or take away abilities and memories? Can I get a legit explanation, here?

This is a little rough. I'm not really connecting to the characters, Dillon's letter is a bit of an info-dump, and I'm not really getting explanation for how or why any of this is happening... I think it would be better if you elaborated more on certain things, like I mentioned before.

It's an intriguing start, and I think with a few more drafts, you can make this an even better piece. :]

Keep writing. ^^

PS: I was glancing through your comments, and saw this --
"I love to read, although now that I have started writing more I find it challenging to read books because I am always questioning why the characters are acting the way they are or I criticize the plot because it is not how I would make them end up...it just takes all of the joy out of reading."
I find that the opposite is true for me. :) Questioning characters' motives, figuring out why they act the way they do, and trying to predict where the author is going... Thinking about what you would've done differently? Those are some of the best things about writing! And a good book can inspire a great story by you, too. ;) I guess it's probably different for everyone, but I'm just saying... Don't not enjoy reading just because you like writing. :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  








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