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Give Your Immortality to Me



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Sat Mar 26, 2011 11:54 pm
Dcmc says...



Give Your Immortality to Me



The air always held a gray ambience. A rusty scent lingered on every corner and through every street. The sky affected the people. Sons were drafted and taken from families, land was destroyed, civilization was killed. Society itself was turning gray.

These, of course, were the effects of the fifth world war. The year was 2098, and the chances of America surviving were twenty-eight to thirty-five percent. These statistics said by Mathew Novak, the most popular news personality as of the beginning of the war. He referred to the war as “Moby Dick”, as did all of America.

“We need Moby Dick. It needs us to help our allies and defeat our enemies. After all, we are the previous superiority.”A television speaks, with Mathew Novak on the screen. Novak had recently moved, along with his news station, to Britain.

“We, America, are aware of Moby Dick’s negative effects on us, and yet we continue. This is because we know we can get so much from it.” He doesn’t speak of his move, he doesn’t alert the public of Russia’s manufacturing of a new nuclear attack, nor does he tell about the money he makes from the government by withholding information.

A shrill voice, no smarter than a junior-high student, speaks in a small cottage of a house. “If we still had elections, I believe I’d want Mathew Novak to run. I know I’d vote for him. Can’t you see him as a leader? Sitting on the television like that, telling us everything. That’s what I like about Mr. Novak, he’s honest. He loves his country. Don’t you think?”

“Um” says Harrison McKoy, an elderly man, the husband of the dunce.

“Well, I can see him being perfect. Everyone already loves him. I bet he’d do good.”

Unfortunately for the McKoy’s, the desert next to their town recently became a weapon testing facility. The fumes and clouds of hazardous gas swarmed into their homes and fumigated the few good aspects of living that existed. People would move, but the war has taken so many men that nearly all families had lost their main source of income.

“The minimum age for drafting is once again being reduced. Now fifteen-year-old males can bask in the joy of protecting their families. Mothers, be proud of your husbands and sons, they’re fighting for you!” buzzes the television.

In the distance, Harrison hears a booming sound. He feels the sensation as his shack, plaster on top of plaster, shakes.

“Gee, that one was a doozy. Wasn’t it?” speaks the wife.

“Yep,” says Harrison. The aftershock shakes the house a second time, windows rattle, cupboards knock against one another.

“This just in, the maximum age for drafting is also being raised to 55. We are giving more and more men the opportunity to fight for our rights.”

“I sure do wish they didn’t come into that desert and start up all this weapon testing. I bet Mr. Novak wouldn’t allow it; he’d make them go somewhere more excluded. Wouldn’t that be nice?” Mrs. McKoy adjusts the rug that had been moved by the vibrations.

“Yes, I guess it would.” Harrison says, feigning a hopeful smile to his wife.

“I always do wonder what they’re doing over there,” her eyes focusing on the window overlooking the outstretched desert. “Must not be too safe, all those booming sounds, must be making plenty of explosions.”

“They are testing weapons that are meant to kill. I don’t think their intentions are safety.”

“Yes well. . . I don’t know. I worry for the soldiers that have to guard the facility, what if a test goes wrong?”

Harrison shrugs and fixes his foggy glasses. The month was July and the clock had just clicked at two o’clock, yet it didn’t feel like July. No one wanted to believe that this was their summer. Wives, young children, and men aged enough to not be included in the draft were the ones who really experienced the war, as only twenty-nine percent of those who fought survived, including the injured. Only twelve percent of those returned to their homes, the ones not critically enough injured would be sent back into a battle.

“Moby Dick requires sacrifice, but sacrifice gives great rewards.” Mathew Novak says in a commanding manner, his voice only slightly distorted from the static.

“They say,” Mrs. McKoy sneezes quickly then continues, “They say our governor got replaced again. Last one, what’s his name, spoke about us not having much money.”

“That so?”

“That’s just what they say though.”

“Well,” Mr. McKoy begins “I believe I’m going to check if we’ve grown anything.”

“Okay Hun’, do tell me how it is.”

Harrison nods and rises from his seat, followed by removing himself from their house, and into what remains of his yard behind the shack. His once blooming garden has turned rustic. His tomatoes and radishes, his beloved carrots and spinach, the onions and the peppers had withered into dried hollow mutations.

Harrison shuffles to his dying creations, and slowly, somewhat painfully, bends over to grab onto a tomato that still holds some pinkish tint. On impact of his hand, the tomato collapses into itself, revealing a dry jack-o-lantern. Always smiling, always lit.

A series of bursts shoot from the desert, not as loud as before, but plenty of them; Harrison winces. His eyes scan over the peeled paint that surrounds his low home and the homes next to his. Harrison struggles with tears as the world scans through his mind, the destruction. The man remains in that state for several minutes before he is able to return indoors.



Later that day, after the colorless sun had sulked down and a dim, hidden moon had risen, Mr. and Mrs. McKoy were laying in the bedroom of their two room home. Harrison was mildly enjoying one of the few government approved novels that had been published. The television was on, and Mathew Novak was preparing to end today’s show in five minutes.

Mrs. Novak turned to speak to her husband about Novak, but stopped as she noticed his fogged glasses, puffy face, and watery cheeks.

“Oh dear, are you okay? You look like you’ve been sobbing.”

Harrison smiles at his wife, wiping both his cheeks with the back of his hands. “Yes love, I’m fine.” He moves to hold her, a kiss on her forehead, fingers wrapped around her arms. Harrison feels happiness in this moment of silence.

The television buzzes, “So, society, let me finish with this: Who deserves your pity more, a king given all the marlin he wishes for, or the fisherman who learns to catch the whale?”
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:07 am
Elinor says...



Hi there!

So, I see that you circulate a lot of very interesting ideas in this story. Sci-fi is my favorite genre, and I especially enjoy either apocalyptic or post-apocalyptic ones. You definitely know the characters and what you want to achieve. My problem with it, though, is that it seems too vague, like an outline as opposed to a fully developed and fleshed out story.

For instance, I couldn't really tell whether this was during or after the apocalypse of the fifth world war. You make it seem like the latter towards the beginning, and when the character of the wife says, "If there were still elections". However, it seems a bit like the government is still actively functioning. I'd add some more details. For instance, how long has this war been going on? If there were two other world wars before this, what ended them? Why was this the one that would end the world? I would also talk more about Novak and why he is so popular with the remnants of the country, why they follow him and listen to him.

Overall, I think you have an interesting idea, but you just need to expand on it a bit more. Hope this helps! Feel free to drop me a note if you have any further questions.

~ Elinor

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-- Walt Disney
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 6:45 am
Jenthura says...



Hey, Dcmc, I found this very interesting and, like Elinor, I love sci-fi!
I had a little trouble when reading the first paragraph, however. In it, you speak of many things, sky, air, people, drafting, etc. What was wrong, however, is that none of the sentences were connected in any way. You said, "The sky affected the people." yet you do not explain how they were affected. I know that you go on to say that sons were drafted, but that is still not explaining how; it is explaining what. You get me?
Anyways, aside from the first paragraph (and assorted spelling and grammar errors) you did a good job. It does get somewhat slow towards the end, though, and I don't understand why the people were so infatuated with the Markov guy.
Work on that and you should be fine.
I know this isn't a very good review, but I'm rushed right now.
Jenth
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Sun Mar 27, 2011 9:11 am
writerwithacause says...



The air always held a gray ambience. A rusty scent lingered on every corner and through every street. The sky affected the people. Sons were drafted and taken from families, land was destroyed, civilization -- killed. (it sounds better without that repetition of the verb) Society itself was turning gray. (love this last sentence in the paragraph)

These, of course, were the effects of the fifth world war. The year was 2098, and the chances of America surviving were twenty-eight to thirty-five percent. These statistics made maybe this verb works better?) by Mathew Novak, the most popular news personality as (no as needed here) of the beginning of the war. He referred to the war as %u201CMoby Dick%u201D, as did all of America.

"We need Moby Dick. It needs us to help our allies and defeat our enemies. After all, we are the previous superiority," a/one television speaks, with Mathew Novak on the screen. Novak had recently moved, along with his news station, to Britain.

"Um," says Harrison McKoy, an elderly man, the husband of the dunce.

"Well, I can see him being perfect. Everyone already loves him. I bet he%u2019d do good."


I haven't found any mistakes in the rest of your story. Your style is good, grammar and vocabulary are fine as well. This was a well-written story.
Julie, a sucker for romance, historical fashion, medieval fairs and blues music. Add photography and you already know me 50%. The rest of me you'll discover through my writings and my photos.

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Sun Mar 27, 2011 5:40 pm
midnightpoet21 says...



Mrs. Novak turned to speak to her husband about Novak, but stopped as she noticed his fogged glasses, puffy face, and watery cheeks.
Right here, you called her Mrs. Novak, but I thought her last name was McKoy? That was really the only thing I saw wrong with it that hasn't already been mentioned by someone else. I really loved your work, though.
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Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:42 pm
Dcmc says...



Well thank you all, I'll be going through and making some revisions and what not according to what people have said. :D
Give me a second - I'm a little busy being cerebral
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 8:17 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hello hi!

Why exactly is the war referred to as "Moby Dick"? It seems like there should be an interesting reason behind it, but why exactly? What was the reasoning behind it originally?

I had a hard time getting into this. It seemed more like a vehicle for the idea of the destruction, rather than making the destruction and stuff make sense. What about the characters? Why should we feel sorry for them other than this is where they live? Why don't they just move? You mention the draft having taken all the able-bodied men away and that making for difficult living conditions for everyone else, but today's economy isn't solely dependent on men anymore. How is this older couple making a living? They don't seem to have jobs and I'm pretty sure if the government is fighting WWV, then there isn't going to be any social security or anything.

The questions like this drew me out of the story as I tried to think about them, and then there was nothing to draw me back in as there was really nothing going on. Everything was just exposition, rather than action, and I had no characters or drama to really make me care.

I like the idea of this setting. I really do. But I want to explore it through a character's proactiveness rather than have it narrated to me as a melancholic memory. What if the Novaks were to move? What hardships would they face? It would make an interesting story, following an older married couple through a near-apocalyptic world.

~GryphonFledgling
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Sun Mar 27, 2011 9:47 pm
Nike says...



strongly DISLIKE
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Sun Mar 27, 2011 11:37 pm
SoLaNgE says...



Hello there!

It's a well written story. I could imagine the scenery with very vivid iimages. The idea of this story seems ver interesting , but I was slightly lost about how it all came to be. I'm not sure how world war five arose in this story and I'm not clear n some facts. One of them is who exacttly is Mr. Novak? Over all I did enjoy the story, because it was well writen, but could do with some more explaining

Hope I could help.
Andreia- Am I not gorgous?
Carmen- No.
Andreia- Who asked you?
Carmen- You did.
Andreia- Oh yeah. Am I not gorgous?


...and that's how grapes were formed.
  








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