Young Writers Society

Earths defenses were being mobilized, great turrets attached to the planet twisted to face the approaching ships, Soldiers on the ground loaded there weapons and changed into thick white armor, The bull-tanks were fueled and checked And the weapon the government had been working on for thirty years was being revealed; nine colossal mechanical robots moved out of the war factory, Dark green Armour protected there structures ,They were armed and piloted. This was it , the great war was to begin.

In the back of a war-truck the tensions were high . Henry sat with seven other marines , no one spoke , the only sound was the humming of the engines . All eight of them were armed with rapid fire machine guns and a close combat blade which will soon be put to use .
From the edge of the bench came the throaty voice of the squadron-leader “ On arrival, the truck turrets will provide some cover , enough time to get into the crab position . Any Kraid that comes into the twenty meter radius should be destroyed, after the formation of our front lines occur , we take there first waves head on , Each militia will be aided by one Mech and fifteen tanks” The marines had heard it several hundred times before but on this occasion , it meant something , these orders will soon be carried out. Henry was shaking benath the heavy armour, he wasnt scared for his life but for those of his children and wife. He had joind the defence to protect them, and if he failed . they would all die. The kids , he told himself , trying to visualize his two dauters faces , the kids , do it for them .

The truck came to a halt, everyone stood up. The leader pushed the doors wide open.
A cold dessert wind filled the truck compartment, the scene was terrifying, spider like robots swarmed the dessert landscape, many of the marines were already ingaged in the war, there armour was useless against the scything pincers and yellow beams which imited from the ships hie up ,blood was already spilt and the carcasses cluterd the sand fields .

Henry leapt out ,and forgeting everything the comander told him, he charged.

I know its cliche but i just felt inspired at the time.

Ultamate Randomness contest in the contest forum , if you go to it you cd win 100p

Hey,

This was good yeah maybe cheese like but most people love cheese!*unless your like my brother* Yeah well, I loved how the detail was so vivid that I could see what was going on in my head,*prolly not the same picture as u, but hopefully close* Anyway this is good.

Guns beard?

I have to comment on this sentence: "Its realy cheesy i know , but just imagine it was real and not fake."

As a writer, you are supposed to deliver what is fake and present it as real. So, even if you're writing about a talking donkey who likes to eat pencils, you want to make it seem as realistic as possible. This can be achieved through several ways. Remember to describe what is important to the scene to make it believable, and remember to attach a character to the story so that the reader has something to pity. You tried this for a certain extent, but not nearly enough to make it not cheesy. So just relax. Create a character that is belivable and interesting and then lead us, the readers, through what is happening.

Good luck!

you should try to continue it. The white armor and melee blades reminded me of SW though.

Yeah, its ok. Im with Snoink - THat sentence seemed a little off.

right ill change that . ill also take some time to improve it. thanks for the comments

What caught my eye first were the few grammatical errors. There are also a few punctuation errors, but those too are easily fixed.

In the part where you mention the new weapons being revealed, I think it should go "had been working on for the past thirty years". Just my opinion

And the "humming" of the engines? Wouldn't a military truck be louder than that? Maybe roar? It just sounded a bit odd to me.

Other than that, it sounds good. Like an excerpt from a book. I'd love to see what you do with this piece, being an inspired spur of the moment work. A little backround on the war and Henry and you can make this little cliche into an original story .

nice editing. i know it was just kinda inspired but i think you should try and add more. It could turn out to be a pretty cool story.

Thanks , I thought this story was dead.

To Torpid:I might continue it after i finish what im currently working On, but for now ill just let it die off .
Thnks anyway



Rise my minions!, MWAH HA HAAA!, RISE !, BREED!, BREED TILL THE DAWN OF TIME....im sorry

I liked it. It was very thick with Sci-fi. Like if you lifted it up the Sci-fi would drip from it, but that's how I like my storys.

MARINES!!! Finally, a writer on YWS incorporates the Marines into one of their stories! Oorah!

Seriously, nice work.

this is cool, lots of potential as everyone said, and marines rock. This reminds me very much so of a game called starcraft. Cool game, but old. Yea, very cool, keep it up, maybe a bit more description would be good (of whats happening and the vehicles and things). try giving things names other than just a "mech" or aurtomatic rifles. Those add allot to the "awsome factor" of a war story.

just cuz halo yall are now super duper marine fans. Golly, thats so silly.

Army's way better and in this instance everyone except maybe the Navy would be defending earth. Think about it

Halo's "marines" suck. The real Marines, the U.S. Marine Corps, is the best regular fighting force in the free world. If you want to know why I think this, then read Making the Corps, by Thomas E. Ricks. It takes an unbiased view at the Corps and the U.S. military, and compares the USMC with the Army.


btw, they're the First to Fight.

D Day, when the marines rolled up on the beach they were greated by lanes and signs the Army Corps of Engineers left there previously telling them which way to go, becasue they had cleared out mines a few days before.

but, yea our Military in general is freakin awesome, everybody, but im an army brat so i just like the army the best.

But this is Blobs stories forum so we should stop talkin bout it.