Young Writers Society

Removed, but thanks for all of the advice!

This was really great. I loved everything. The plot is very strong... I can't think of a way to improve it. It's just right the way it is. Great job. Write on. A+ for this.

I appreciate your comment, but is there a way to improve this story? Specifically concerning plot, because I'm considering writing a practice novel with a little of this idea.

Hey, DarkRain. First off I would just like to say that this was a very original and organic sounding piece. There was nothing remotely cliche about it. I appreciate that most I suppose. ^-^ It further added to the quality of your work.

Also, the way you depicted death being, it was very interesting to read. It gave me those sort of side thoughts, like, 'What could be in charge of this type of afterlife?' Definitely nothing religious or godly. Maybe a superior form of intelligence? Aliens? Who knows, but it was pretty cool.

The way you tied in the romance and loves' eternity, that was very beautiful and simple. I enjoyed the ending very much. Some things I think you could work on would probably just be sentence structure and the gathering of your thoughts and feelings. This part here for example: (Edits are in red.)

I sorted through my mind. “I remember having suicidal thoughts,” I said. “I had to have (Note: Or you could just spell it, to've, as a compound.) been so depressed that I began drinking alcohol from my brother’s stash, when I became so drunk that I actually went through with the suicidal thoughts.” Neither of us spoke. We stood there in silence(,) until Abbey walked over to me, and gave me a light hug.

Your character seems to be gathering far too coherent thoughts. Maybe make this conclusion a little more subtle? A little more painful to decipher? That's my opinion on it. There were also a few more areas I ran into that could use some editing. I'll point those out for you real quick.

I was waking up in some other room, I hadn’t seen it before. (This sentence would sound smoother written just as: "I was waking up in some other room I hadn't seen before."

It was rectangular(;) around the size of a regular bedroom for a teenager my age.

Looking around, I counted a total of four doors in the room(.) Each were metal, futuristic looking. Kind of like from star wars, but the size of a regular door. (I would alter the last sentence to make it sound a little more smoother.. -mature. Still using the example of the Star Wars though if you like.)

I didn’t know where I was(.) In fact, I couldn’t remember much about the night before.

. .I would have spent the rest of eternity with her if I could have. (You can also write this as simply could've)

The room felt like it was at the perfect temperature(;) not hot, not cold.

I walked over to it,(no comma needed here.) and pulled the keyboard and mouse out from under the device. At once(,) the machine came to life,(remove comma here.) and displayed text “Hello, Jacob Browning.

But did they have information of me? My family?

The computer took me to a screen with all of the information I could ever want(Change "want" to "wish". It sounds better.) to know.

I was starting to get creeped out. (It would also sound good as, "I was beginning to get creeped out.")

Moments later(,) the text was replaced with

I saw on the television the crash(.) You died. What’s going on here?”

“I did die, Jacob. You had to have died too to get in here,”

“I don’t know the name of this place(.) I’ve only been here a day or so, but from what I’ve been searching through, this place is some kind of connection among those who have died(.) A second life, so to speak.

“We’re looking at one of your memories from third person(.) Specifically a few minutes before your death.”

No more noise, no more cars moving(.) Even the raindrops stopped in mid air.

I have never drank alcohol in my entire life.

I had to've been badly drunk, but was I…?

So that about does it for nitpicks. I think you did a wonderful job with this short story. I enjoyed the read, and I hope my review was helpful. Keep up the good work.

" I realized I was lying on a bed. I felt like I was in my home, lying on my own bed, waking up from any other night. However, as I sat up, I realized I wasn’t in my bedroom. I was waking up in some other room, I hadn’t seen it before." I think these lines can be comined a little more, to make your beginning more grabby and less wordy. Perhaps something like, "I realized I was lying on a bed, but this wasn't my bedroom. I had never seen this room before."

"It was rectangular, around the size of a regular bedroom for a teenager my age. The walls were a silver-metal colored." A teenager my age sounds a bit strange. I think you could probably just say teenager. Also, 'a silver-metal colored' sounds wrong. I think you want either 'a silvery metal color' or 'a metallic silver' or something along those lines.

"in fact, I couldn’t remember much about the night before. I remembered that morning very clearly, however" So, the morning before this one. The morning before the night he can't remember... May want to make that a little more clear.

Can you give us some more emotion when he's talking about his girlfriend's death? Really get into his head. Have everything come crashing back to him. Maybe he doesn't remember her death the second he wakes up, and then when he does remember the pain is worse than ever before.

'My warm, white socks protected me from the presumably cold flooring... The room felt like it was at the perfect temperature, not hot, not cold. " To me, a chilly room will have a chilly floor. And a warm room will have... Well, an adequate floor. *shrug* I don't know. It just sounded odd to me to say that the floor was cold but the room was perfect. And to be honest, I don't even think about the temperature of the floor much if I'm wearing socks.

"I was started to get creped out" Hehe. Crepe'd out. Crepes... They're a food item. XD Anyway, it should be creeped.

"She clicked a few things, and quickly got to what she was wanting." This sentence is meh. 'Got to what she was wanting' is a bit wordy, and 'she clicked a few things'... I don't know. I guess I'm trying to picture it. How is she clicking? Purposefully, like she knows exactly what to do? Or uncertainly, like she's just making her best guess?

"“Take this,” she said, as she handed me some kind of remote" Where did the remote come from?

I agree with SmylinG about the part where he finally remembers what happened. Give us a little space to infer things.

I'm also not sure about the way this ended... The whole 'we'll have eternity' thing is cute, but I'm a little hung up on the whole, 'He committed suicide because his girlfriend died and he was drunk' thing. I was starting to think that you were going to make some artfully subtle point about how alcohol and suicide are bad, but that really didn't happen. It's all depressing that he killed himself, but they don't seem very torn up about it. Instead they're just like, "Well, you're here now. Hurray! 8D" To follow that line of thinking, I almost get the impression that you're saying suicide isn't a big deal. But it is.

What about the people he left behind, back on Earth? Does he feel guilty, or sad to be leaving them behind? You could capitalize on a big inner conflict here to develop his character; he's happy to be with his girlfriend again, but if he had a second chance, knowing what he knows now, would he have done the same things?

That said, I think this has potential to be a great story. In novel form I think you could drag things out a little more, give us more of an impression of the characters and their personalities, histories, etc. You could show us more about what's in control of this sci-fi heaven scenario, and really dig deep into certain aspects of this that are begging to be lingered upon.

Nice job. Keep writing. :]

Nice! I really liked this one! It had a good mysterious opening that left me NEEDING to read what happened. My only peeve is what happened to him? One second he was mourning his girlfriend, and the next he was dead scanning a database? Maybe that is just me, but I loved the idea of this story. Keep up the good work!