Young Writers Society

Via goodmorningandgoodnight

.

They're all so far from home, lost somewhere in the darkness beyond Earth. Memories of that place as distant as the broken pieces of a morning dream.

She sits with the vast, bland, expanse of space before her -- toes propped up on the console pad, mug of reconstituted coffee between her knitted fingers.

When she was a child she dreamed of growing tall, of reaching out and plucking stars right from the sky, keeping them in a jar by her bed to keep the nightmares at bay. One of the overheads above her lists them as they pass, pinpricks of light reduced to a series of numbers and codes. Try as she might, there's no magic to be found in HD 4806.

A creak as the entrance hatch opens, a hand on her shoulder.

"Shift's up," he says, plucking the coffee from her hands, takes a sip and scowls "go sleep."

"If you say so."

She unwinds herself, reluctant to leave the cocoon of switches, blinkering lights, and flickering display screens.

"If you're still having problems," he takes another sip, "go see the doc', we can't have you collapsing out of exhaustion or anything."

"Whatever you say, Cap'n," she gives him a jaunty salute, swings the entrance hatch closed behind her.

The nightmares come every time she closes her eyes. The sights and sounds are lost upon waking, but the sweat on her skin and that knot of fear in her stomach remain.

She wanders down the lonely steel corridors, the low, reassuring hum of machinery for company. Will he be watching her? Some console to show her tiny dot of life, personnel out of place? A warning -- unauthorised access -- do you want to proceed with security measures Y/N?

It would be easy to resent this reason they were out drifting here in the night. A capsule, some small share of the life from back on Earth, a fresh start for somewhere new. A Second Chance. Behind the thick membrane there are multitudes of fish, brief flashes of colour, like stars, emerging from the watery darkness, and beyond the cresting surface, the distant call of sea-birds.

She presses an ear to their precious cargo, feels the memories of the wind breathe across her skin. He says that "home is where the heart is" and hers is here; soft asleep in the womb of the Earth.

Hiya! I'm Luxe and I'm going to review this for you.

I very much liked the storyline that you've got going. There were several grammar errors that are easy fixes, such as adding commas before you go into dialogue. That was about it in the way of grammar. As for how you executed your story, I thought you started out well. I would have liked a little more background on what happened to Earth and why they had to leave. It might be good to explain where they are going. Unless you want it to be that they don't know where they are going. Then you'll have to make that more clear. Aside from that I thought that you used good imagery; I can actually see the whole ship in my head. That's very good. Keep writing!

Cheers,
Luxe

Okay, you are going to hate me, but I wanted to point out a short story on YWS that reminds me of yours:

Keeping the Green by smaur

Now!

The concept is really awesome. What can I say? I love spaceships and stuff and I love it when life on Earth is juxtaposed with life on the spaceship. It's neat! Now, I think the main problem with your story is that nothing really happens. It's a shot vignette, true, but besides her wanting to go to Earth and not liking the spaceship, there is really not much else.

So, why not expand it? There are several Big questions that are just begging to be answered here. For instance, what did she leave at Earth? Who did she leave at Earth? What sort of life did she have before? What sort of life will she have now? What was her purpose at Earth? What about now? Who is she spending time with now? What is she doing now? What can she do? What are the things she can do that she chooses not to? Before this, does she have faith? What does she believe in? Has she lost her faith or has she kept it? What effect does this decision have on her? What does she miss the most?

So, basically, with this sort of story you need to have a before and after sort of thing. You need to make known what she has now and what she has before. And that way, you can make this good.

Another thing you can try doing is to tweak the styles that you use when writing about this, so when she talks about the Earth, it can be lush and when she talks abut the spaceship, all is sterile. One thing I was wondering about is the guy who takes her shift. I was thinking that it could be a romantic love interest, but he didn't treat her that way at all. In fact, he didn't seem to have any regard to her whatsoever. So, it would be interesting if she left a love interest behind and she has this "relationship" if you can call it that -- not in the romantic relationship sense, I am speaking strictly that she has a connection with this one human that is devoid of feeling whatsoever.

So yeah. Basically, I want you to play around with this a lot and test your limitations.

Have fun!

It's merely a pet peeve of mine, but writing down dreams that the character forgets is kind of frown-worthy.

Although I don't normally like space stories, this one was very interesting. I loved your decriptions! They were really vivid and beautifully worded. I thought your excicution was fine, if not very good. Keep writing!

To be honest I had no clue what's going on towards the end the first time I read it but I can't say I care. I really like the feeling this has about it of a kind of homesickness. It reminds me of a nonspecific story from a Flight anthology (graphic short stories). The tone is very nice, I like it.

It is an interesting description of feeling and surroundings. There isn't necessarily a running plot, which is why I say this. I was a little confused. If more was added to this story and this was just the beginning of a novel, I'm sure a plot would fit in snugly. The writing is elegant and graceful, so I wouldn't worry about that. Over all, a great piece of writing! Keep it up!

"Memories of that place as distant as the broken pieces of a morning dream." This line made me smile. Excellent way of capturing that feeling of waking up...

I really like this. Excellent description and imagery. We're also getting a good sense of the characters, I think, personality-wise, and how they're feeling.

One thing that I'd mention, as others have, is that I'd like more information on why they had to leave Earth. Are there still people alive back on their home planet, or are they and ships like them all that are left? Do they have a specific goal in mind, or are they aimlessly wandering space, hoping to find a place to settle down and release their fish and birds? It occurrs to me that Earth wildlife could either crowd out or be eaten by any native life at any place they touch down, but... The concept is still good, I think.

I really loved the line about wanting to put a star in a jar, and then the contrast between how she thought as a child and how she thinks now. ^^ Just that I'd put that out there.

Really nice job. My main thing is that I'd just like to see more.

Keep writing.