First of all, you have a fabulous sense of writing. Your style and vocabulary is wonderful. I can certainly tell you enjoy writing. However, there are a lot of glaring grammar and spelling errors that, unfortunately, detract from that. If you would like me to do a grammar edit on your final draft of this piece, I would most certainly do that for you. In a more timely fashion too!
What I struggled most with this was the pace, and the large paragraphs really bogged that down. I feel like this should be much more suspenseful. Someone's stalking the MC! They want to do who-knows-what to the main character. It's an opportunity to scare the wits out of your readers, but we spend so much time with elaborate sentences about the scattered glass and apparently blazing fire that we forget to be scared of this bad guy. xD I even found myself bored sometimes. Perhaps look into shortening some sentences or deleting some description and get on with the action.
I also wasn't a fan of the battle scene. We finally got into some real action, and there were a few points that made me double-take. xD For instance, this entire paragraph threw me off:
I reached the first step and was abducted by fear, my heart pounded loudly as I pivoted on the carpet to confirm my safety. I sighed, he was still staring at the monitor but inside the frame was a reflection of eyes I knew only to well staring back at me. My stomach dropped. I licked my lips. Starting at those vile eyes I ran. I could hear him pursuing me. I tripped on the wet, slick, floor scraping the top of my foot and falling on my hands, almost hitting my head on the elaborate staircase. The wood railing next to me transformed into charcoal black with a a gaping cavity. The bullets rapidly embedding themselves on the banister i covered my head and sprinted. My lungs seemed always empty, legs unrested. I looked back at my hunter as I rounded a corner to my ship, his flaming eyes were to close, his fingers were too happy on the trigger. I saw patience in his wicked smile; I knew he would wait until he was close enough to strike.
Bold -- Bad guy's on the computer (which I'm already at a loss to -- explained later), so who looked at her? I'm so confused.
On the computer, how did bad guy get into it? Why is that computer not turned off or password protected? Or actually, why isn't it just broken? I assume no one's living here. If there is someone living here, I think they'd take greater care in locking the computer, let alone the house. If no one lives here, I don't think electricity is going to work, and thus the computer will not work. (They have to pay for the electric bill, right? ;D)
Underlined -- If bad guy is patient, why is he trigger-happy? That was confusing as well.
He stepped forward, as if he didn't want to miss. I reached back where I left my gun and fired. He lunged back and screeched, clutching his left eye.
I thought this was a stupid move by the bad guy. xD Did he not see her weapon laying right next to her? I think he'd make an extra effort to kick it out of her reach. Or at least pick it up and use it himself.
So that's my spiel on the battle scene.
Moving on, I would love to guess what was actually going on. I feel like this was written for the battle scene, not for the plot. Why was the MC there? Why is the MC being hunted? Is bad guy actually the bad guy or a police officer? Who was bad guy talking to on the monitor? The MC, I think, said they knew. The reader doesn't though. Also, I think a little more characterization would be lovely. What kind of person is the MC? How should the reader relate to them? Strengths? Weaknesses? I feel like bad guy was done much better than the MC since he's meant to be creepy. But the MC is the most important character since the reader is following them through the entire thing. Since you don't have a lot of thought dialogue (which is totally okay, I swear!), show us with their actions. You show us a little bit with the glass and such. The quick pick up of the glass before they re-hid themselves. That was awesome! Keep doing some of that.
Other than those points I had, I think you have an awesome story. I'm very interested in what you've got. I kinda started thinking of the Disney movie Treasure Planet. Not sure if that was intentional. I love that movie to bits. Anyway, I think you can definitely clean this up. Your friend will love it!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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