Young Writers Society

Krain was his title. Raam was the family name held by his ancestors. Yet only he, Ziikra, had been chosen by the Yheerox gods to be their greatest ruler.
The human creatures whom they kept as slaves considered their masters to be monsters, but he was a nightmare among the others. Each of their planet's natives, known as Yheerox, had two spindly arms and legs, plated with bony growths. Ziikra, however, was a mutant. His gripping, grasping, clutching claws numbered four.
As a child, the best doctors on the entire planet came to try to cure his ailment, genetic in origin, but now he was through with them. He would not be a weak, feeble ruler, beset with mysterious disease. When he ascended to the crown, he declared that their divine emperor had been cured miraculously. The Yheerox worshiped him, and suspected nothing as he concealed his worsening affliction.
Under his adamant rule, an entire civilization from another planet was subjugated. The pathetic Earthcreatures who dared to challenge him would soon be joining those they wished to rescue: the humans bred from the original explorers captured by the first Krain from the house of Raam. The rescue mission was doomed to fail, for their war technology was generations behind their own.
He was a war god, feared by man and Yheerox alike.

Very good. Is there more? I would love to read more. I really love the imagery, I can see it. Did you make up the names yourself??

Hi C3B :D

This is pretty short, and as it is there isn't a lot to say because there isn't a great deal happening.

I think you've got an interesting concept, and I can really imagine what the Yheerox might look like, and why the humans would be so scared of them.

The main issue with this is that it's telling rather than showing. I'm sure that you've heard that phrase before, and there are a few threads in the knowledge base and writing tips that you might find helpful such as here, here, and here. But to summarise, instead of just telling us that he has a mysterious disease, why not show us what it looks like? What is it doing to his body? How is it affecting how he behaves. You tell us that the humans consider their masters to be monsters, and that Yheerox is considered to be nightmarish. Why is this? Is it because of the way that he acts towards them? The way he treats them? What was the invasion of Earth like? Did people fight back? These are all the sorts of questions that you could elaborate on and extend this and make it much more interesting and engaging :D

One other things I have a little problem with is the names. I see it a lot in science fiction, and they're just so hard to say! When you're reading something that have words that just aren't formed in the way that you're used to, it makes it a bit more difficult because you're trying to work out how to say them, rather than reading the actual story, y'know?

I hope that I've been helpful :D if you have any questions about anything I've said, or if there's anything you'd like me to elaborate on, feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot!

-Tinny

Sorry, it was horrible of me to enter a character from a book I have not yet posted. I figured I could keep it short since this is only a contest entry.
My book basically goes like this: Humans figure out how to go through a wormhole. (It's harder than you think.) A dozen Humans wind up on the evil aliens' doorstep. The aliens enslave them without a second thought. A hew hundred thousand years later, a distress signal reaches Earth ( they were hundreds of thousands of lightyears away. ) and an ultra high tech Earth sends a rescue mission. The above mentioned evil aliens have built a vast empire on the backs of their human slaves, and soundly whip the Human army without breaking into a sweat. The remnant then manages to free the slaves, who know the superior alien war machines inside and out. The alien warrior king ( Krain'Raam Ziikra) dies of...whatever it was, and the aliens are unable to fight back without a leader. Good guys win. I'd say more, but I like to surprise people.
His disease doesn't affect his appearance, so he could keep it secret easily.
The double letters are like long vowels. 'Krain' is pronounced like 'crane'. Raam is pronounced like CD-Rom Say it like this: Crane rom Zike Ra. I chose the letters for the way they look together, mostly.
None of my other stories really have a villain with a real personality, so he was my option. Go ahead and check.