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The opening sentence sounded a bit cliche, for me, and it could have been more gripping. Something that will draw the reader in and make them want to read more.thunderviolet wrote:One day,on a summer evening, there sat a girl.
Okay, so I noticed a lot how you sort of dumped all the information onto the reader without having anything really to work with, if that made sense. Also, if you do choose to say that I might say "Her name was Moonlace Ravenburt." And also, book should be books.thunderviolet wrote:She was Moonlace Ravenburt.Moonlace had no friends that actually spent time with her,just copied her homework, since she was a genius by reading book instead of watching T.V.
Okay, first of all, in my opinion, you could have used more descriptive words other than mean and angry, considering that soon after that you say she was the nicest person in fifth grade.thunderviolet wrote: Even though sometimes she was very mean and angry,she was perhaps the nicest person in the fifth grade. and must I say, the most intelligent ever since Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
thunderviolet wrote:Her life was dull, so dull, she almost ran awy from her room in a grand house.
"No colorful colors" sounds a bit odd, repetition!thunderviolet wrote:Her room was on the very top of the house with absolutely no windows,no colorful colors,no toys such as a phone, stuffed toy,or a D.S.
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