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Clockwork Terror Continued



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Fri Oct 20, 2006 12:01 pm
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deleted6 says...



“There, I told you there was new shop here," he looked smugly at him.

He sighed…

“Okay, I get it Gary, but I swear when I walked passed here yesterday it was still a burnt out shell.”

“Maybe they worked fast”, he no longer looked so smug.

He looked at the building. A while back it had been a mortgage place. It had been burnt down in some accident; luckily no one was in it at the time. He looked now at the new building. Heck, it looked like it had just been built. All the windows were clean and new and there was not a sign of fire. It looked just like a new shop. He looked at the sign and saw bright blue lettering, saying: Toy Emporium Apart from that, it also looked bigger. No day work could do this, he sighed...

Gary was pulling at his arm “Come on David lets go and look inside.”

He sighed beaten “Okay Gary just stay by me, I have a bad feeling about this place.”
Gary ran inside ignoring everything David had said. David pushed open the doors and what met his eyes was amazing there were thousand of selves of toys from Lego to play-mobile but the biggest aisle had a big banner saying Let your kids have a glance at the past let your kids play with toys you may have played with, let them play with clock work toys as you did. He saw his brother in that aisle, he ran up to him “Hey Gary don't run off like that please.”
His brother looked at him annoyed “Sheesh David stop worrying about me I’m 13 for ---- sake and looks at these toys who would want to play with them and… suddenly David looked round and saw a grim faced man looking down at his brother, he looked very old but walked with a precise step he looked blind and deaf but he heard them talking. “Really! So you think these toys are not good enough, why don’t I give you a free one and by next week you’ll be back at this store the man smiled as if he had told a joke. He handed Gary one the toys, it was a pirate wielding a cutlass and what was scary about it he thought was it looked like it was grinning.

Gary looked round when David handed him the toy the man looking like he had accomplished something, David thought.
“I said I didn’t want it…” he replied angrily.
“Bu…but Gary the man gave it to you, the lease you can do is be more considerate.”

"What man? David, you're starting to scare me. It's only us here," Gary looked around wearily.
David looked around too. Gary was right, the man had vanished. Now he thought about it he never heard any footsteps.
“Well David say I do believe you, and I don’t this toy is now rightfully mine”, he then spun his finger around his ear.
“Bu.bu.but there was a man here I swear” David stammered.
“Whatever David I’m going back to the orphanage, and you can act freaky like this in here all day if you want, later” Gary pulled up his hood over his short spiky blond hair grabbed an extra toy and ran out.
David cursed him under his breath why his parents have too die in that car crash he could vaguely remember it all the blood all the glass his father had almost survived, but when trying to get him out his Father had suddenly had a heart attack dying on the spot.
David turned round to leave and saw all the clockwork toys grinning at him. He shivered his imagination playing tricks with him that all he thought, but why does it look like there moving. He started to run he had idea why he ran he was scared something about those toys was scary he looked at the time on his green strapped digital watch. It was 6:00 he ran for the door trying to open it, was locked he shivered he didn’t want to spend a night in here so he ran too the window trying to find a way out, Then he heard a noise that made him shake like hell a sound of a key being wound and then tick tock, tick tock, tick tock
And then he saw tiny feet moving out the darkness. This can’t be happening he thought this couldn’t be happening.

There were hundreds of them all grinning like crazy, and all wielding a weapon of some sort. He backed against wall and prayed for a miracle. Then David thought they are tiny, I can handle them so he picked up a baseball bat and charged at them and swung. He hit loads of them but when ever he hit them more came from selves to join them. Then he felt them climbing all over him cutting him everywhere his leg his head his arm. Suddenly just as fast they begun they stopped and fell down. David breathed a sigh of relief. He then smashed a window with the bat and ran out. He did not care if he cut himself now he did not care if he was late those things could have killed them why did they stop he needed to know that. He sat down and looked at him self they had cut him up bad his leg was covered with those little wounds so much so it looked like one big wound. He sighed and limped back to the orphanage.

Chapter 2


When David buzzed to be let into the orphanage, he wanted nothing more than to go get in without a big fuss, but no such luck. One of the workers saw him and immediately launched into a thousand questions thought David
“Are you okay? What Happened? Why are you late?” She looked really concerned.
David’s brain boiled. “Let me in, then I’ll say why I was bloody late and why I’m bleeding badly,” he grimaced angrily.
She moved away and then a sudden dizziness hit David. He felt like he could not move another inch. He wobbled slightly, and then the ground met his face. He heard a scream, and then fell unconscious.
When he woke up and looked around, he saw that he was in a bed. Next to him were chocolates and other gifts. He looked around and realized he was in a hospital. He went to grab a grape when he saw something. It was the clockwork toy that Gary been given and it was grinning at him. It moved closer, surely he imagined it. No, it was closer. David could no longer stand it. He screamed as loud as he could.
He felt a needle in his arm and relaxed.
“Your safe now,” said the bodiless voice.
David looked around groggily ad saw a nurse. She was quite pretty with long black hair tied up in a pony tail, innocent eyes and an affectionate smile. “What happened too me, how did I get here?” David asked.
She laughed and smiled. “Well what happened to you we’re not sure, but you lost a lot of blood causing you to faint. Your brother gave you some of his blood though, so now he's literally your blood brother.”
David grinned, it was a bad joke, but he had a nice nurse so he didn’t mind if her jokes were bad. Then he remembered about the toy and was about to ask about it, but it was gone; nothing there except a clockwork key. He was about too scream again, but the nurse put her hand over his mouth and calmed him down.
“Now what the heck is up with you? You looked up at that table and almost screamed again,” she said calmly.
“Clockwork toy, clockwork toy,” David stuttered.
The nurse sighed sadly and went to speak to the doctor. David must have hit his head quite hard. He seemed quite sane at first, but now the nurse wasn’t so sure. She needed to talk to the doctor to see if he could be let out.
David tried to sleep, but all he could hear was his breathing and the slow tick tock of the clock. He could swear the clock was louder. Maybe he was losing it. He tried to sleep one more time and fell fast asleep. He dreamt he was back in the toyshop, but there were no windows and no doors. All he heard was tick tock, tick tock. Then he felt excruciating pains everywhere. He felt like he was being tortured and screamed, but no one heard him, he was alone. Then the torture stopped and the man came.
“Your mine now David, you and your brother belong to me.”
David felt his limbs stiffen and saw his hands were now tiny and painted. He gasped and saw the man as a giant.
David shot up. He was sweating. His dream had seemed so real. He had to get out of the hospital. He ran for the door, pushing the nurse flat on her face. He was sorry, but had no time to tell her, so he ran, but realized he was going nowhere. He looked round and saw that Gary had his hand gripped on his bed robe.
“Calm down man, you’re losing it. You’re here for your own good,” Gary explained reassuringly.
David stopped, agreed, and was about to walk back when he saw that Gary had the toy in his pocket, the one he had been given by the man. Its little hands were moving in a cutting throat gesture and then it mouthed one word, “soon.”
David opened his mouth too scream, but no sound came out. Standing beside him was the nurse and Gary looking unhappy. In the Nurses, hand was an empty needle. David was angry and started to feel woozy and once again, fell flat on his face.

Chapter 3

David woke up, but he was not in a bed, he was on a shelf. He saw all the toys. He tried to move, but could not. He looked down at himself. His red Adidas hoody was painted on and his pale blue eyes did not move, they remained open. His short brown hair, the thing he liked about himself, was just painted fast, no perfection. His jeans were also painted on. He felt something sore in his back and knew that his fate had been decided from the moment he set foot in that shop.
David looked around the shelves and saw kids from countless ages, dating straight back too when clockwork toys were first made, and all of them had the same sad expression. He could guess why.

they knew their was no chance for any of them. Just then he heard a loud sob from behind him he managed to turn round and saw a pretty Edwardian girl he could tell cause unlike Gary he tried hard in school. The girl was wearing a very lavish blue dress and was wearing silk gloves her hair was long and brown. She saw him looked at him

“Who are you too look at me like that? My father is very rich and… she stopped why are you dressed like that?

“Ahem, you stupid girl your Dad dead welcome to the 21st Centaury, you’re a toy and so am I so live it” David shouted at her.

“Well not much has changed then if this is different year woman and still disrespected she replied stamping her foot in protest.”

Oh great thought David she in a bloody huff. “Criminy girl woman are more represented than you think it just your annoying me like hell acting all high and mighty”

“My name is not girl she replied angrily it is Felicity Richardson and my father is a candidate for Prime Minister”

“Was corrected David he very dead now I think, anyway why were you sobbing?”

"This was an extremely expensive dress. My father purchased it from America. Now it is just painted on," she wept.

David looked at her “Coughvaincoughveryvaincough”

“Pardon are you trying to offend me?” She replied sternly.

“Well looks like Narcissus hit the nail on the head David replied sarcastically.”

“How dare you my Father is very…”

“Dead interrupted David.”

“I was going to say influential she replied annoyed

“Well he dead and influential can’t get any better than that.”

“Well don’t see what so happy about she snapped your parents are probably dead too”

“Happy do I sound happy I’m miserable and I rather face the fires of hell than be in this room with you and also yes my parents are dead, but they had more decentcy in their pinky than you have in your whole body David replied livid.

“Are you being funny, guys like you would kill for someone as beautiful as me?”

“That was then this is now”, replied David now getting totally bored of this girl who was like wallpaper, she was pretty but very boring.

Felicity just started to cry again “So what else had changed I guess woman have rights now…”

“They have rights yes, but I’m not going to tell you the whole of history you missed no way sister.”

The next part is what i've added

The lights flashed on lighting up the whole shop he saw young children and adults from various ages from Victorian straight to 20th Centaury. Then a voice loomed out of nowhere "Hello my children i gather that you had a good night. Slowly a the man he'd seen earlier walked out the shadows then walked up to the shelve he was at "Welcome David i am your master now you'll kill for me you'll do everything i ask."
"I am called Fatum Tempus i control your fate and time it self. I go back whatever centaury, year, month, and day i choose."
David tried to speak but his mouth couldn't move.
"No one could understand why i do this though David your smart so i'll tell you."

I was born in Ancient Rome, i was a inventor of sorts i discovered the skill of making things work by clockwork. Yes clockwork mechanism are that old, but it wasn't to happen no one trusted me i was trying revolutionise Rome to help my country."
i had just finished recallibrating the mechanism when the Emperor Legionare burst in demanding i quit all my work now or you will be consider a traitor and deciever of Rome. I was desperate and tried to explain the advances this could bring i told them this "You have to understand master legionare with this advance we could make the whole world our empire." He nodded and asked me to show more work it would have all been fine except for that one curious legionary. "Hey sir look at this now he screamed."
I knew then i was doomed but i couldn't fail so i ran to where the scream was. I had been crypt robbing a a dangerous thing but i had plans to make these bodies walk again. The problem was i wasn't ready to show these soldiers off yet. The clockwork mechanism didn't keep them mobile long enough i wanted these to be able to at least walk for five to ten hours i had discovered a way to get the blood running through the body again too so bodies wouldn't decompose. It was all going well I has some working as servants in other rooms. The legionares ran in and saw them "He pushed me against the wall and screamed at me saying that these were abomation unto Jupiter and even Pluto wouldn't except them. I tried to explain how we could do so much with these if i could just finish them he shook his head and spat on me.

He dragged me across the street accusing me of betraying Rome he took me straight to the Senate and demanded that i was to be made a non human. I was hoping the greed of Senate would understand my goal.
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]
  





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Tue Oct 24, 2006 10:07 pm
meanderingthru says...



Chapter One Crit -

OVERVIEW: Despite a good, interesting idea, you have a lot of issues with commas - they're never where they should be! :) Also, there are huge amounts of run-ons, and other grammatical errors. The idea's good, but you really need to learn the rules of grammar. There are some spots where you lost me. I see a lot of potential, though, don't get me wrong, but there are some parts (especially towards the end) where it doesn't seem like you even looked this over at all.

Siegfried wrote:"There, I told you there was new shop here," he looked smugly at him.

He sighed...


There are too many repetitions of male pronouns here. Change it up a bit - if you don't want to use their names just yet, perhaps stick in something along the lines of "the other boy."

"Okay, I get it Gary, but I swear when I walked passed here yesterday it was still a burnt out shell."


This should be "Okay, I get it, Gary," because Gary is the one being talked to, so should be separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma. It also seems kind of long to me... if I were you, I'd end the sentence at Gary and then make 'but' the start of a new sentence. You're not supposed to do that in text, but since it's dialog it's not that big of an issue.

"Maybe they worked fast", he no longer looked so smug.


The comma should be inside the quotations. Also, I don't really think this fits together as a sentence well. I would try this, at the very least: "Maybe they worked fast." He no longer looked so smug. But you might want to throw in a 'Gary said/stated/replied/etc' as well.

Another thing I noticed is that all of the first sentences began with 'he.' Try changing it up some. :)

accident; luckily no one


'Luckily' should have a comma after it, because it's an introductory element.

Heck, it looked like it had just been built.


I would end this with an exclamation mark for emphasis, but that's just me.

All the windows were clean and new and there was not a sign of fire.


I'm not sure what it is about this sentence that irks me, but something doesn't sit right. Maybe change "not a sign" to "no sign."

saying: Toy Emporium Apart


Period after 'Emporium.'

No day work could do this, he sighed...


No day's work, and he sighed should have another period after it if you're not going to continue that same sentence.

Gary was pulling at his arm "Come on David lets go and look inside."


There needs to be a period after arm, and 'David' should be separated from the rest of the sentence with commas, because he's being addressed.

He sighed beaten "Okay Gary just stay by me, I have a bad feeling about this place."


There should be a comma after 'sighed' and a period after beaten to end the sentence. Once again, Gary is being addressed, so the 'Gary' needs commas. Also, 'sighed' keeps getting repeated a lot. No one sighs that much! xD Think of some other actions you could use to convey how your characters are feeling to the reader.

Gary ran inside ignoring everything David had said.


I think there should be a comma after inside. I'm not sure if you have to have one or not, but I think it'd be nice.

David pushed open the doors and what met his eyes was amazing there were thousand of selves of toys from Lego to play-mobile but the biggest aisle had a big banner saying Let your kids have a glance at the past let your kids play with toys you may have played with, let them play with clock work toys as you did.


Major run-on here! :P End the first sentence after 'amazing' and make 'there' the start of a new one. Selves should be shelves, and toys should have a comma after it. Play-Mobile should be capitalized like this, as it's a proper noun, and should also have a comma after it. Oh, just let me type out what it all should look like:

"David pushed open the doors and what met his eyes was amazing. There were thousand of shelves of toys from Lego to Play-Mobile, but the biggest aisle had a big banner saying, 'Let your kids have a glance at the past! Let your kids play with toys you may have played with, let them play with clock work toys as you did!'"

You might want to also change one of the forms of 'big' to large, so that you're not using the same word over and over again.

He saw his brother in that aisle, he ran up to him "Hey Gary don't run off like that please."


Again, you over use male pronouns here. After awhile it gets confusing, and the reader may wonder exactly which 'he' you're talking about. So stick some names in there! :) Also, put a period after him. Then, David's speech should look like this: "Hey, Gary, don't run off like that, please." You have the option of ending the sentence at Gary, but you don't have to. Again, 'Gary' should be separated from the sentence by commas because he's being addressed, and 'Hey' should have a comma after it because it is an introductory element. 'Please' should also be separated by a comma.

His brother looked at him annoyed “Sheesh David stop worrying about me I'm 13 for ---- sake and looks at these toys who would want to play with them and


Again, I see the repetition of 'he' and other male pronouns a lot. Maybe describe your characters a bit, so that if you don't want to keep using their names, either, you can always through in a "the fair-haired boy," or something of the sort. Also, you need commas! And end the sentence before you have a character start speaking. You'll want to type out thirteen and 'God's.' Otherwise it's unprofessional. If you're worried about using 'God,' maybe use goodness's instead. Try this:

"Gary looked at his brother, annoyed. 'Sheesh, David, stop worrying about me! I'm thirteen for goodness's sake!'"

After that, you lose me, though. Did you forget to close the quotations? "and looks at these toys who would want to play with them and" That whole part isn't very clear. Is Gary still talking? Is he looking at the toys and thinking about how he wants to play with them? Try to clarify it a bit more.

suddenly David looked round and saw a grim faced man looking down at his brother, he looked very old but walked with a precise step he looked blind and deaf but he heard them talking.


'Suddenly' is a new sentence, and also an introductory element, so it should be capitalized and followed by a comma. The sentence should then end at brother. Male pronouns are used too much here, so instead of 'he' maybe use 'the man.' Old should also be followed by a comma. That sentence should then end at 'step.'

Also, might I inquire upon how one 'looks' blind and deaf? I certainly can't tell by looking at a person if they are blind or deaf. A way to show a blind character would be to have him be missing his pupils and irises, yet I don't think there's anyway one can 'look' deaf. However, 'deaf' should be followed by a comma, because the next word is 'but.'

"Really! So you think these toys are not good enough, why don't I give you a free one and by next week you'll be back at this store the man smiled as if he had told a joke.


You forgot to end the quotations. Also, it's a run on. I think the use of 'are not' is somewhat awkward, because most people use contractions in speech. 'This' could stand to be changed to 'the.' It just seems a little obvious which store they're talking about, considering they're in a store. But those two things are up to you. Rewritten, at the very minimum, this should look like: "Really! So you think these toys are not good enough? Why don't I give you a free one. By next week you'll be back at this store!"

After that point, it's a new sentence. So "the" should be capitalized. An option you have is to put a comma before 'as if,' but you don't have to. It would just make the piece flow a tad bit better.

He handed Gary one the toys, it was a pirate wielding a cutlass and what was scary about it he thought was it looked like it was grinning.


Once again, this is a run-on. It should be: "He handed Gary one of the toys. It was a pirate wielding a cutlass. What was scary about it, Gary thought, was it looked like it was grinning."

The first two sentences could be combined, but it would have to look like: "He handed Gary one of the toys, a pirate wielding a cutlass."

Gary looked round when David handed him the toy the man looking like he had accomplished something, David thought.


'Round' is missing an 'a'. ^-^ It's a run-on again, but you have an option of ending it one of two places. First, you could end it at 'around.' Second, you could end it at 'toy.' But regardless of that, it should say 'the man looked' instead of 'looking.'

"I said I didn't want it..." he replied angrily.
"Bu..but Gary the man gave it to you, the lease you can do is be more considerate."


Trailing off like that with the '...' doesn't make David appear that angry. You ought to use an exclamation point instead. Also, you should use 'Bu-but' to imply stammering, either that or separate the 'Bu...' foam the 'but.' Gary should once again be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas. 'Lease' should be 'least.'

"What man? David, you're starting to scare me. It's only us here," Gary looked around wearily.


Good! I like this snippet. :) The only thing is that you should change the comma after 'here' to a period.

Now he thought about it he never heard any footsteps.


Now that he thought about it comma ;) he had never heard any footsteps.

"Well David say I do believe you, and I don't this toy is now rightfully mine", he then spun his finger around his ear.


"Well comma David comma say I do believe you - and I don't! - this toy is now rightfully mine period" He then spun his finger around his ear.

Uhm... why is Gary spinning his finger around his ear? Just wondering, I haven't seen anyone do that before.

"Bu.bu.but there was a man here I swear" David stammered.


I like your adjective use, but it should be:

"Bu-bu-but there was a man here, I swear!" David stammered.

"Whatever David I'm going back to the orphanage, and you can act freaky like this in here all day if you want, later" Gary pulled up his hood over his short spiky blond hair grabbed an extra toy and ran out.


Separate David with commas. The sentence should end at want. 'Later' can stand alone, but should have a period after it. Also, you have a different kind of comma issue this time. Commas are used to separate adjectives, but here you're not using any. It should look like 'short, spiky, blond hair' instead. You also are missing a comma after 'hair.' You need one there to separate the first action from the second.

David cursed him under his breath why his parents have too die in that car crash he could vaguely remember it all the blood all the glass his father had almost survived, but when trying to get him out his Father had suddenly had a heart attack dying on the spot.


Oh dear, you're going to call the giant hideous run-on people down upon us! xP Just kidding. But you get the idea. Try this, instead:

"David cursed him under his breath. Why did his parents have to die in that car crash? He could vaguely remember it. All the blood... all the glass. His father had almost survived, but when the rescuers were trying to get him out of the car his father suddenly had a heart attack. He died on the spot."


This is as far as I got, sorry! I have homework to do. All in all, it's good, you just need to get some of the rules down.
  





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Tue Nov 07, 2006 12:42 pm
Myth says...



Green = Commet/Correction
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*

He sighed…


What was the use of ellipses here?

Gary was pulling at his arm “Come on David lets go and look inside.”

‘lets’ = let’s

David pushed open the doors and what met his eyes was amazing there were thousand of selves of toys from Lego to play-mobile but the biggest aisle had a big banner saying Let your kids have a glance at the past let your kids play with toys you may have played with, let them play with clock work toys as you did.


Meandering’s suggestion: David pushed open the doors and what met his eyes was amazing. There were thousand of shelves of toys from Lego to Play-Mobile, but the biggest aisle had a big banner saying, 'Let your kids have a glance at the past! Let your kids play with toys you may have played with, let them play with clock work toys as you did!'

It would be better if ‘thousand’ had ‘s’ at the end to show that there were literally thousands of shelves. Plus, the repetition of ‘of’ wasn’t necessary as you could have gone for: There were thousands of shelves filled with toys from Lego to Play-Mobile ... etc, etc.

I had a suggestion from the TSR critique which you may or may not consider using:
Instead of the whole slogan printed on one banner you can divide it and have three banners in total so it should look something like this: ‘Let your kids have a glance at the past,’ the next banner read ‘Let your kids play with toys you may have played with,’ and the last one read ‘Let them play with clockwork toys as you did.’

One more thing, in your title you have no space between ‘clock’ and ‘work’, you should continue this throughout the entire piece.

His brother looked at him annoyed “Sheesh David stop worrying about me I’m 13 for ---- sake and looks at these toys who would want to play with them and…


Another comment from TSR:
Are the dashes replacing a swear word? If so you should include it and rate your work other wise you don’t need to have a swear word. Replace the ‘and’ with a full stop, take out the ‘s’ in ‘looks at these toys’ and you have forgotten the end speech marks.

suddenly David looked round and saw a grim faced man looking down at his brother, he looked very old but walked with a precise step he looked blind and deaf but he heard them talking.


I agree with meandering. No one can ‘look’ blind/deaf as you can’t really tell. If the man appears blind/deaf then instead of using ‘looked’ you can have ‘appeared’ or ‘seemed’. On the other hand, if the man is blind and deaf you could show this by having him wear glasses and an ear piece which the boys notice.

“Really! So you think these toys are not good enough, why don’t I give you a free one and by next week you’ll be back at this store the man smiled as if he had told a joke.


Meandering’s suggestion: Really! So you think these toys are not good enough? Why don't I give you a free one. By next week you'll be back at this store!

‘this store’ doesn’t really sound too good. You could try: ... you’ll be back here ... etc, etc because that is where they would naturally return.

David turned round to leave and saw all the clockwork toys grinning at him. He shivered his imagination playing tricks with him that all he thought, but why does it look like there moving. He started to run he had idea why he ran he was scared something about those toys was scary he looked at the time on his green strapped digital watch. It was 6:00 he ran for the door trying to open it, was locked he shivered he didn’t want to spend a night in here so he ran too the window trying to find a way out, Then he heard a noise that made him shake like hell a sound of a key being wound and then tick tock, tick tock, tick tock
And then he saw tiny feet moving out the darkness. This can’t be happening he thought this couldn’t be happening.


This section needs to be revised over, make sure to use connectives, commas/semi-colons.

There were hundreds of them all grinning like crazy, and all wielding a weapon of some sort. He backed against wall and prayed for a miracle.


‘a’ missing between ‘against’ and ‘wall’.

Then David thought they are tiny, I can handle them so he picked up a baseball bat and charged at them and swung.


David’s thoughts need to be in italics. You need to learn to separate thoughts from the actual scene/actions. This here should look something like:
They are tiny, David thought. I can handle them.
Then you would start another paragraph to describe his actions.

He hit loads of them but when ever he hit them more came from selves to join them.


Repetition of ‘them’. ‘when ever’ shouldn’t have a space. To improve this all you have to do is rephrase it, it isn’t very difficult and use synonyms and such to keep the reader interested.

Then he felt them climbing all over him cutting him everywhere his leg his head his arm. Suddenly just as fast they begun they stopped and fell down. David breathed a sigh of relief. He then smashed a window with the bat and ran out. He did not care if he cut himself now he did not care if he was late those things could have killed them why did they stop he needed to know that. He sat down and looked at him self they had cut him up bad his leg was covered with those little wounds so much so it looked like one big wound. He sighed and limped back to the orphanage.


This is another section that can be so easily changed by carefully going through it and adding commas where they are needed. Try to vary your sentence lengths. Keep some short and others longer, right now it is very difficult trying to grasp what you have written.

David’s brain boiled. “Let me in, then I’ll say why I was bloody late and why I’m bleeding badly,” he grimaced angrily.


David says ‘bloody’ in front of an adult? Most grown-ups would have been furious at him so I don’t think that was really necessary.

It was the clockwork toy that Gary been given and it was grinning at him.


‘had’ missing from between ‘Gary’ and ‘been’.

It moved closer, surely he imagined it.


Place a period after ‘closer’ and end ‘surely he had imagine it’ with a question mark.

David looked around groggily ad saw a nurse.


‘ad’ = and

She was quite pretty with long black hair tied up in a pony tail, innocent eyes and an affectionate smile.


What do you mean by ‘innocent eyes’?

“What happened too me, how did I get here?” David asked.


‘too’ = to

they knew their was no chance for any of them.


Capitalise ‘they’. ‘their’ is referring to people, it should be ‘there’.

“Well not much has changed then if this is different year woman and still disrespected she replied stamping her foot in protest.”


This is dialogue and action and you seem to have rolled it into one. It should be: “Well, not much has changed then. If this is the future I see women are still disrespected,” she replied, stamping her foot in protest.

Oh great thought David she in a bloody huff. “Criminy girl woman are more represented than you think it just your annoying me like hell acting all high and mighty”

“My name is not girl she replied angrily it is Felicity Richardson and my father is a candidate for Prime Minister”

“Was corrected David he very dead now I think, anyway why were you sobbing?”


I honestly have no idea what has gone on here because this just confuses me.

David looked at her “Coughvaincoughveryvaincough”


You wouldn’t really need to put ‘cough’ in there. Here is a suggestion: David looked at her and then coughed, but in between the coughs he said what sounded like ‘vain’.

#_# I'm exhausted.

I think this ought to be rated. The ending is possibly what ruins your work. You have through the grammar book out the window and have ignored the rules. ‘i’ will always be capitalised and you haven’t done that. Use spell check and you will have to go through your work and figure out what you have done wrong.

I suggest you print this out and use markers for highlighting what needs to be changed. You don’t seem to know where a sentence ends and another begins, please try to check out books on writing, they help with all sorts of grammatical errors and such.

When a character speak you have dialogue, don’t add actions within the speech marks, which you have done towards the end, and you didn’t change much from my last critique. I’ve pointed out most of the errors, but as this is repeated too often I have left other parts out. I’m sure you can edit it yourself after reading comments made by myself and meandering.

You could do something with this, as I have said it was an interesting read, especially the creepy owner and his clockwork toys.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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33 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 33
Wed Nov 08, 2006 7:48 pm
Soldier boy jack says...



okay can anyone write anymore than the last two peeps but they said it all good storyline
i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care!
  








Mudwesterner
— BlueAfrica