Young Writers Society

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Interesting. So the dark wizard died? Natilie is his sister right? Now you can post the 5th chapter! I just have one thing that I would like to point out. "worth with their combined strength and talons perhaps one hundred and half again in ordinary human soldiers." This sentence is a bit confusing the way it is stated. Explain in plainer terms. Post next chapter!!! Writergirl.

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In the dell below, they saw a good three dozen tuatara, worth with their combined strength and talons perhaps one hundred and half again in ordinary human soldiers.
This sentence is a bit confusing...

Oh, wow, writergirl beat me to it. Hehe,


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In the dell below, they saw a good three dozen tuatara, worth with their combined strength and talons perhaps one hundred and half again in ordinary human soldiers.
This sentence is a bit confusing...


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It was worsened by the construction of a big red tent – obviousl the highest commander’s private stay.
‘Obviously’

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\The tuataras are strong, dangerous foes, and we must take no chances, especially knowing that their unseen leader must have some lethal powers to have command over such fiends.”
Nothing wrong with this sentence, really, but doesn’t it sound a bit… melodramatic?

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Almost instantly, the kensai could feel his sharply honed will chaffing against Draven’s psychic bonds, as if his very nature was resistant to such constraints.
This doesn’t sound right… I’m not 100% sure, but wouldn’t ‘felt’ be better instead of ‘could feel’? Again, I’m not sure.

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Then, slithering, rustling, almost angry, an arm of vines blasted from the earth and caught the silvery spear. Old and thin, they were shredded apart and the spear kept moving, but much of its force was gone.
This is a bit confusing. At first you are talking about the vines, as if from their point of view, then suddenly you switch to the spear. Oh, I don’t know, I just find this sentence a bit confusing… Read it aloud to yourself, maybe you’ll find something wrong.

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He remembered.
I think that you should merge this into another sentence, not just leave it off like that.

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Crowds parted where he walked, whether others understood his deepest nature or not.
‘Deepest nature’?

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But then, he was given a task. A danger, a threat to his guild and their plans. He was assigned to destroy this threat, and he failed.
The second sentence is not necessary. What was a danger? What was a threat? If you write about it now, explain it NOW.

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Power had been a cruel, unforgiving master, over one single, frustrating obstacle.
This is not entirely clear. I mean, I understand what you mean, but…


I have to admit that I have not read anything of yours, so I was a bit lost at some points. However, I liked what I read; it was interesting and had a flow. Writing from different points of view was a good idea, but watch out and don't get lost and try not to tell the reader what he does not necessarily need at the moment. (Which does not mean that you have problems with it, lol)

Okay, so that's it. I'm a bit tired, so sorry if I overlooked some mistakes. Off to bed or to read other chapters, that is the question...

So, you told me that if I write about it now, explain it now. Uh, no. Bad writerly advice. Teasers are part of many novels. Then you tell me not to overwhelm the reader with too much, which kind of contradicts itself. But, I know what you mean . . . Although I really don't think the information in this story is overwhelming. I could be wrong, of course.

I also notice a lot of the time that you suggest changes on things that are part of my style, a pretty common thing, all in all. I realize not everyone will like or agree with my style, but just understand that I might not incorporate some changes because they're changing elements of my writing style that I don't want changed. Don't take that the wrong way or anything; it's good that you're reviewing, and I want you to, I just want you to know that so that you'll understand if not all of your suggestions appear in the prose itself. Incidentally, many of the changes will, though. When I get the time.

Anyway, thanks again!

Sorry for the suggestions in style, but again, those are only suggestions, lol. For my part I will just say that I always had an subjective point of view (subjective - thats an english word? It might be that I'm mizing english with polish right now, hehe)

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But then, he was given a task. A danger, a threat to his guild and their plans. He was assigned to destroy this threat, and he failed.
The second sentence is not necessary. What was a danger? What was a threat? If you write about it now, explain it NOW.

I guess I should explain myself. The second sentence seems (for me) out of place there. The examples of why where not necessarily, uhm, good? Correct? (Can't find the word )

And no, its not that overwhelming (The information, that is).

The beeeest is that I get to read the novel before its published, muahaha

-elein

Hey Scribe. I kind of think that this chapter is a bit confusing. I just didn't recognize some of the names, I guesse. I don't know what it was about it, but something just didn't flow. I didn't quite know what they were fighting for. It's cool that you have so many fight scenes, but only if each one is a pretty big deal. What I'm trying to say, is that if you put in a whole bunch of quarrels, and their kind of just in there to get your 'chapterly' dose of action, it's going to take away from the climax Fight scene that, judging from your writing, is going to inevitably happen. Maby you could just lie low for a while and let things calm down, so that next time you fight, it will be something to get excited about, and not just 'one more.'
I hope you don't think that I'm contradicting myself when I tell you this. I know that I've told you I admire how much action this book has, I just hope that you don't put in too many.

I just read your reply to my critique on Chapter 3. You asked me to keep giving you grammar errors that I find, so here are a few for Chapter 4:
Page 1, line 28 - ...obviousl the highest...
Page 2, line 5 - ...all that in the cam (I'm
what this is supposed to be, but I
thought it was wronge. Sorry if It's not.
Page 3, line 31 - ...and you cant ... (you
forgot an apostraphie)
Page 4, line 41 - woman hada began...
Page 6, line 6, - ... just a little ore time...

Thanks for listening, Scribe.

No quarrel is just thrown in. Nothing in any of my stories is "just thrown in," lol. The fight between Phasmatis and Draven is pivotal. I understand that you don't have the whole history of what happens between the two characters, but I think enough is implied to understand the basic plot: Draven has been out to get Phasmatis. In fact, if you read the Prologue, this fact is pretty much laid out in black and white. I think you missed the prologue for some reason, which might be adding to your confusion?

I reread the prologue, and I don't believe that I missed anything. I love all of your fight scenes, and I think they are very well written, don't get me wrong. I was just saying I think they should be a little more spaced out.
I understand that everyone has different writing styles, and if you want yours to be action paced to the end, Kudos to you.
What ever your style is, I admire your writing. I just printed out Chapter 5 and 6 a few minuets ago, and am planning on reading them just as soon as I get off line.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my critique.