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Young Writers Society


Dragon Fire



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Points: 1544
Reviews: 169
Wed Feb 21, 2007 12:35 am
Lethero says...



Chapter One
Beginnings






In the early morning hours, with the smell of saltwater in the air Nasaru was shaken awake by his father Gano. “Wah!” said Nasaru.
“Wake up son we need to get out to the water before the other fisherman.” replied his father, “Grab the nets and some food.”

When Nasaru got up looked outside and saw his beautiful home Island of Najo in the Kingdom Kano. Then he went his father’s small storage shack and gathered the nets him and his father use to catch their living, fish. And then went into the house and gathered some food for him and his father’s long day out on the boat.

“Got all the nets,” his father asked, “And a days of food provisions?”

“Yes” replied Nasaru. When they left the house, they started out for the dock where their fishing boat was stored.
When they arrived fishermen were already there loading up the boats.
“Hurry up and load the boat. We need to get out there so none of the good fishing spots are taken.” said Gano.

“Yes, father.” replied Nasaru.

After a few minutes he and his father loaded the boat and started heading out.

A few boats were already out but they managed to get a decent spot. They threw out the net into the water and as they were pulling net out of the water Nasaru looked into the water and saw a young boy looking back almost sixteen with deep blue eyes, brown hair, and physic of a fisherman. “C’mon boy I can’t get this net in by myself.” said his Gano.
And remembering his work Nasaru and started helping his father bring the net.

After a moment of thought knowing it seemed out of place at the time Nasaru asked his father, “What happened to mother?”
“She...she,” his father started trying to find the right words, “died when you were young. You look like her though with your hair and eyes, but you have my great physic.” he half joked, “Now, no more dwelling on the past and get back to work so we can get some money.”

That was always what his father said how his mother died but wasn’t always sure his father was telling the truth. So in years he kept pressing his father for the real information but always got the same reply. He knew is father will eventually tell him with his manhood so near.

After long hours at sea bringing in lots fish Nasaru and his father were done and they started heading back to the island. When they were close to the docks they saw merchants that were waiting to buy what goods they could from any fisherman that returned.

When they reached the dock a merchant ran up to them. The merchant was old with what looked like an expensive looking robe, a long white beard that hung down to his chest, but upon his there was no hair. Looked inside their boat and said,
“Nice hale you brought in.” he said, “Me name be Borkim and who would ye be?”
“My name be Gano and this here is my son Nasaru.” replied Gano.

“Nice to meet you lad.” said Borkim directly and Nasaru.

“Nice to meet you also sir.” replied Nasaru.

“Enough with introductions.” said Nasaru father, “Are you here to do business or engage in friendly talk. If that be the case then we need get home.”
“Oh yes....” replied Borkim and he and Gano got to business of selling the catch, Nasaru sat watching the other fisherman come into the dock.
When Borkim and his father finally reached an agreement Borkim motion to a few men, gave them their orders and they took four of the largest trout Nasaru and his father caught and he gave them two hundred sheins from him.
“Come son.” ordered his father and they went home.
When his father pocketed the money Nasaru and his father loaded up the rest of the fish and started out for their small one story house. They started skinning and salting the fish before they put it in the smokehouse. In that time little was spoken.
“What a nice catch we made today.” complemented Nasaru, “I can’t wait till we get into town and sell what we can.”
“Yes son,” replied his father, “and we also need to get some more rope to repair that net you snagged.” said Gano in a kind of disappointed way. When Nasaru’s father said that he started to blush a little.
After about half an hour planning on what to get in town Nasaru’s father said, “Time for someone to get himself washed an into bed we got a busy day tomorrow.” After washing himself Nasaru climbed into bed and blew out his candles and laid down and went to sleep.
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 52
Wed Feb 21, 2007 1:26 am
Foreseer says...



Definately a beginning chapter. Good way to introduce characters. I feel this sets the ground for the rest of the story. Maybe you could put a little something more memorable, but this is good.
~*~It's Not Faith If You Use Your Eyes ~*~
- Miracle by Paramore
  





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Reviews: 169
Wed Feb 21, 2007 3:22 am
Lethero says...



If you see anything that needs changed please don't keep it a secret I'm new at this and need another readers tip i could use to make my story more interesting.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  





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Wed Feb 21, 2007 3:23 am
TellATaleForTwo says...



Good begining. I would suggest making it bit more exciting though. Not much, just something to make the reader want to keep reading, something that really draws them in.
I like the part about the other boy in the other boat. That was interesting because you didnt elaborate and its something to look forward to you explaining.
Some of the wording and such needs work, but overall its a good story. I look forward to the rest. :wink: :D
"Theoretically, if you go to the past in the future, then your future lies in the past. This is a picture of you in the future - in the past."

~Kate and Leopold
  





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Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:22 pm
jord says...



wow this is really amazing, are you going to carry on and write the rest of the story because i cant wait to read on.
I thought the names were really unusual which was good because it didnt compare the story to our world, if you get what i mean.
  





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Tue Feb 27, 2007 9:08 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



I like it so far. The names are interesting and make you think that there's hidden depths to them. So far the only thing I would change is the last sentence; all the "ands" make it seem awkward. :)
ohmeohmy
  





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Wed Feb 28, 2007 4:29 pm
Esmé says...



Ello DFA,

How’re you? Didn’t really see you around here, are you new? Anyway, I’ll be writing the crit as I read.


Quote:
In the early morning hours, with the smell of saltwater in the air Nasaru was shaken awake by his father Gano.
Okay, first thing that I noticed is that this sentence sounds a bit awkward, at least to me… Consider rephrasing it, maybe. But your choice, really. Next, commas. Add them up there, that sentence is screaming for them, lol.

The bit of dialogue up there - shouldn’t it be separated?

Quote:
“Wake up son we need to get out to the water before the other fisherman.” replied his father, “Grab the nets and some food.”
Uf, grammar punctuation. I don’t remember the link, but Lilyy03 wrote a marvelous article about the topic. PM her for it if you can’t find it. And, commas.

Quote:
When Nasaru got up looked outside and saw his beautiful home Island of Najo in the Kingdom Kano.
You lost a word up there. ‘In the Kingdom Kano’ - sounds awkward there. I’m not saying that the name itself is awkward; the name is ok. The whole part of information is, uh… don’t know how to explain it.


Okay. Sorry. I’m really not in the mood to correct each and every mistake. I suggest you read through this, really.

I’m not saying that this is bad; it’s just hard to read. I’m not going to write any real opinion, as I haven’t read enough to do so. PM me when you’ve cleared this up a bit, if you want. -Grammar, missing words, interpunction etc.

-elein
  





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Reviews: 36
Wed Feb 28, 2007 7:15 pm
Wesley says...



This could be catogorized as fantasy.
  





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Wed Feb 28, 2007 7:59 pm
Jules the jester says...



I enjoyed it. My type of reading.

But i did think it was a bit boring in some places.

he did this, then he did that, then this

Spice it up a bit but over all i enjoyed it =]
  





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Thu Mar 08, 2007 8:55 am
Beleis says...



yeah i like it alot so far so good keep up the good work
some things in life r worth frigthing for
  








Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— Miles Kington