Young Writers Society

Here is chapter 2 of my book

please comment I NEED IT

there is an edited version out there somewhere look for it

Chapter 2
The Meeting


As Rone woke up he couldn’t remember anything except he knew he had a pain in his ankle and a headache. He saw he was in the middle of charred area of grassland. Then he recalled what had happened. He looked around to see if the scroll was still there and saw it in the middle of the charred grassland

As he tried to get up, he felt a stabbing pain in his left shoulder and fell back down. He took his hand to search for anything there. He felt the knife and was about to take it out when he remembered what he read in a book about injuries. “When something has pierced your skin, do not pull it out until you have the proper medical attention.”

Rone dragged himself over to a tree and got himself to a
standing position. He walked over to the scroll and picked it up. After he put it in his pack he noticed something. He heard nothing. No screams. No sounds of fighting. No sounds of destruction.

He stood there a moment, pondering whether he should go back to town. After a while he remembered his sister’s tattered corpse. He felt extremely sad thinking of his sister. He wanted to cry but he couldn’t anymore. He decided if anyone had survived that devastation, he would try to save them. He decided to go back to Valeria to search for survivors and supplies.

As he was walking back, Rone heard some bushes being brushed up against. He reached into his bag and grabbed a scroll. He thought it was the flame scroll from before, but he didn’t realize he had grabbed a different one. He opened the scroll and was ready to throw it on the ground when a skinny girl with brown silky hair appeared from the bushes.

“Stand down. My name is Sisilia. We’re here to find out what happened to Valeria,” said Sisilia, in a calm peaceful tone.

“My name is Rone. How did you guys survive?” asked Rone
after seeing a buff teenager with black hair and black eyes come out of the brush.

“My name’s Wyvern and we weren’t in the city when it was attacked. The way you look, it seems like you were in a fight,” said Wyvern noticing Rone was limping when he walked and he was grabbing his shoulder.

“Yea, I was in the library when the attack started. The attackers called themselves the order of the Ankishi. Me and the librarian were able to get out of the city, but we were ambushed and the librarian was killed,” said Rone looking down with slumped shoulders.

“We heard a huge explosion. Do you know what it was?” asked Sisilia in an urgent tone.

“No, we were out of the city when the explosion went off, but I think it was there final strike on Valeria,” said Rone slowly still cringing with pain.

“What’s with the scr…?” asked Wyvern after a while trying to continue the conversation.

“Wasn’t the explosion a while ago? Why are you guys only investigating it now?” asked Rone a little confused not meaning to cut off Wyvern.

“We didn’t want to get there while the attack was happening and get killed,” said Sisilia a little defensive.

“I…” before Rone finished he grabbed Sisilia and Wyvern and
dropped the scroll hoping they would survive like the librarian’s body. The scroll, instead of setting off a fire bomb, created a cylindrical shield that stretched to the top of the tree line with different colors of lightning.

“Well this is different,” said Rone, a little surprised.

“How did you know it would do that?” asked Wyvern completely shocked.

“I didn’t. I was expecting a ball of flame,” said Rone, while
chuckling as he looked in his bag at the fireball scroll.

“HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” yelled a voice out in the woods.

“Identify yourself,” ordered Sisilia.

“I’m Sendoma and that girl over there is Alexandria,” said Sendoma calmly coming out of the brush pointing to Alexandria on the opposite side.

A conversation started between Rone, Sisilia, Wyvern, Sendoma, and Alexandria that was pretty much the same as the conversation between Rone, Sisilia, and Wyvern. Finally, Rone said, “I think we should go back to Valeria and search for survivors and supplies.”

“I agree,” said Sisilia and Alexandria at the same time with Sendoma noticing the stare they gave each other.

“I don’t care just as long as I don’t die,” said Sendoma.

“No! There might be more of them waiting for survivors to return,” said Wyvern with a rush of intelligence.

“Ya know big foot has a point there,” said Sendoma joking about Wyvern’s buff body.

“That makes sense, but we still need to get supplies and rescue
any survivors so let’s come up with a plan,” said Rone already thinking of a plan.

After a while Sendoma said, “I got it. We come into the city at different times, but we make sure we can see each other. The thing is we need a base camp.”

“The library,” Rone said quickly.

“Wha…why?” asked Wyvern completely dumbfounded.

“Well the first thing it is in the center of the town. Secondly with all the tables in there we can create fortifications. And thirdly I need to use the books to translate these scrolls I have.”

“The library it is,” said Sisilia and Alexandria at the same time with Sendoma noticing the look they gave each other again.

“I’ll go in front to lead the way. Last is the most dangerous so you guys argue over it,” said Rone already beginning to sound like a leader.

“I’ll be last,” said Sendoma surprising everyone.

“Why?” asked Alexandria.

“Well the academy taught me magic that I have no talent in. None of you know how powerful my magic is and I think I am more powerful than most of you right now.”

“Okay I agree Big Mouth’s in the back,” said Wyvern right after Sendoma was finished.

“Okay it’s decided. See you in the library,” said Rone, a little concerned for Sendoma.



Rone walked slowly, turning around constantly scanning the area looking for traps. As Rone got deeper into the town, he started getting more relaxed and went faster. After a while Rone reached the library. It was exactly the way he had left it with the two Ankishi’s bodies greeting him as he walked in. He went in and started moving the tables to create a small fortress. As he was setting up the last table, Sisilia walked in.

“Need any help?” she asked surprised at how much Rone had done.

“Yea, can you start gathering translation books? Any language,” said Rone, admiring his fortress.

As Sisilia was searching the shelves for translation books, Rone was searching them for survival and guide books.

“Hello? Anyone here?” shouted a voice from the entrance.

“Wyvern, you’re so stupid. What if there were enemies in here. You would have just announced yourself to them,” shouted Sisilia extremely angry.

“Geez. Sorry.”

“Wyvern, help Sisilia with searching for translation books,” said Rone, not even fazed by Sisilia’s outbreak.
“Okay.”

After a while neither Sendoma nor Alexandria had entered the
library, so Rone was getting nervous.

“Whew. I thought that you guys were caught. You should at least have someone standing there to welcome the others or enemies,” said a voice right above Rone.

Rone looked up and saw Alexandria standing on the top of the
book shelf he was looking at. “What took you so long? I was starting to get worried,” said Rone as he let out a sigh of relief.

“I got side tracked a little bit.”

“How about you wait for Sendoma?”

“Okay. Oh and nice fairyland castle you’ve set up here.”



As Sendoma was walking through the city, he noticed something that he hadn’t yet. Valeria was still intact. He thought the explosion from before was large enough to destroy most of the city, but most of the buildings were still up.

After he was done looking at the buildings he noticed that he had stopped and was out of sight of Alexandria.

“Why’d I volunteer to be last? I don’t even know the way to the library,” whispered Sendoma to himself.

“How’d you survive?” said a commanding voice several feet behind Sendoma.
As Sendoma turned around, he saw a guy in black clothing with eyes on fire.

“Hello my name is Sendoma. What is your name?” said Sendoma sarcastically.

“My name is Makajeh and I am the leader of the Ankishi, the army that destroyed this town. So how did you survive?” responded Makajeh impatiently.

“I was out of the city when it was attacked. How’d you destroy this city?”

“I had infiltrators come in and destroy the gate. Then my army of four thousand came in and killed everyone. Also we blew up the palace before the council and guards could get out.”

“How did an army of four thousand destroy a city of twenty thousand elite magic users?”

“We found a way to make ourselves immune to magic. However, we did have about twenty casualties. Now, I need to kill
you.”

Immediately after Sendoma heard that, he got ready to defend himself. Makajeh drew his bastard sword and charged at Sendoma. Sendoma raised his hand in the air and waited for Makajeh to get closer to him. As soon as Makajeh was five feet away, Sendoma aimed his hand at the ground. A pillar of fire spiraled around Sendoma and hit the ground. When it hit the ground, it erupted into a curved beam like the end of a parenthesis. It then traveled on the ground quickly toward Makajeh. Makajeh, barely having time to respond, jumped out of the way and slashed at Sendoma. Sendoma ducked and thrust his fist into Makajeh’s gut. Makajeh was stunned by the attack. Sendoma saw the chance and took it. He kept punching Makajeh until Makajeh jumped backward and started dodging. Sendoma backed out of reach of Makajeh and his bastard sword

“You’re tougher than I thought. I will spare your life this once, but next time the battle won’t even be half as long,” said Makajeh panting a little.

“Wait, before you leave where’s the library?”

Makajeh, annoyed, said words that gave Sendoma chills and teleported away.

“I was serious. I have no idea where the library is,” yelled Sendoma.

“Who are you talking to?” said a female voice behind Sendoma.

“Oh, no one, just the leader of the enemy,” said Sendoma sarcastically after he noticed it was Alexandria.

“Really. Well everyone’s waiting so come on,” said Alexandria not really believing him.

i am posting this cause my other stuff when they got commented their veiws soared!

Hallo!

Finally found time for your second chapter!

(comments)
[insert]

As (I think 'when' would work better here.)Rone woke up he couldn’t remember anything except he knew he had a pain in his ankle and a headache. (this is quite a mouthful of a sentence. I suggest omitting the 'he knew' and saying he didn't remember anything except the pain in his ankle etc.) He saw he was in the middle of [a] charred area of grassland. Then he recalled what had happened. He looked around to see if the scroll was still there and saw it in the middle of the charred grassland (you repeat charred grassland a little too much here. Also, you are describing what Rone sees here, but you're not giving any insights into his reaction to his surroundings, and other senses. I suggest expanding perhaps a little more. Charred grassland is an intriguing notion and it deserves to be expanded upon.)
As he tried to get up, he felt a stabbing pain in his left shoulder and fell back down. He took his hand (he took his own hand? sounds a little strange.) to search for anything there. He felt the knife and was about to take it out when he remembered what he read in a book about injuries. “When something has pierced your skin, do not pull it out until you have the proper medical attention.” (first, your sentence structure is quite uniform in this paragraph. Second, I think it would sound better if you omitted 'in a book about injuries' and added a 'had' before read. Think about it.)
Rone dragged himself over to a tree and got himself (you say himself twice in the same sentence.) to a standing position. He walked over to the scroll and picked it up. After he put it in his pack he noticed something. He heard nothing. No screams. No sounds of fighting. No sounds of destruction. (Good)
He stood there a moment, pondering whether he should go back to town. After a while he remembered his sister’s tattered corpse. He felt extremely sad thinking of his sister. (this would be much more powerful if described more creatively) He wanted to cry but he couldn’t anymore. He decided if anyone had survived that devastation, he would try to save them. He decided to go back to Valeria to search for survivors and supplies.
As (you use 'as' a lot. explore more words like when or while) he was walking back, Rone heard some bushes being brushed up against. He reached into his bag and grabbed a scroll. He thought it was the flame scroll from before, but he didn’t realize he had grabbed a different one. He opened the scroll and was ready to throw it on the ground when a skinny girl with brown silky hair appeared from the bushes. (Okay, in this paragraph and the one before it, I suggest looking at the beginning of each sentence.. what do you see? lots of he's. The sentence structure is very uniform and seems to drag on because of it. You are relaying Rone's actions in a very objective manner as well. Unless you don't want us to know about Rone's feelings yet, I suggest adding some emotion to what he does.)
“Stand down. My name is Sisilia. We’re here to find out what happened to Valeria,” said Sisilia, in a calm[,] peaceful tone.
“My name is Rone. How did you guys survive?” asked Rone after seeing a buff teenager with black hair and black eyes come out of the brush. (the part about him seeing the teenager sounds like an afterthought and seems very passive. I suggest saying 'asked Rone, watching..' so we get the impression he is actively involved)
“My name’s Wyvern and we weren’t in the city when it was attacked. The way you look, it seems like you were in a fight,” said Wyvern noticing [that] Rone was limping when he walked and he was grabbing his shoulder. (the 'he was grabbing his shoulder' part doesn't sound right. How about 'noticing how Rone limped and grabbed/clutched his shoulder'?)
“Yea, I was in the library when the attack started. The attackers (better word for attackers?) called themselves the order of the Ankishi. Me and the librarian (should be 'the librarian and I') were able to get out of the city, but we were ambushed and the librarian was killed,” said Rone looking down with slumped shoulders. (good image)
“We heard a huge explosion. Do you know what it was?” asked Sisilia in an urgent tone. (the last time she talked you mentioned tone as well; perhaps varying how you express the emotions behind her words would be good.)
“No, we were out of the city when the explosion went off, but I think it was there (their) final strike on Valeria,” said Rone slowly[,] still cringing with pain.
“What’s with the scr…?” asked Wyvern after a while[,] trying to continue the conversation.
“Wasn’t the explosion a while ago? Why are you guys only investigating it now?” asked Rone[,] a little confused [and] not meaning to cut off Wyvern.
“We didn’t want to get there while the attack was happening and get killed,” said Sisilia[,] a little defensive.
“I…” before Rone finished he grabbed Sisilia and Wyvern and dropped the scroll hoping they would survive like the librarian’s body. The scroll, instead of setting off a fire bomb, created a cylindrical shield that stretched to the top of the tree line with different colors of lightning. (*blinks* This was confusing. What just happened?)
“Well[,] this is different,” said Rone, a little surprised. (but he didn't he just... he - ah. I'm confused! didn't he just grab Sisilia and Wyvern?)
“How did you know it would do that?” asked Wyvern completely shocked.
“I didn’t. I was expecting a ball of flame,” said Rone, while (I think you can omit 'while')chuckling as he looked in his bag at the fireball scroll.
“HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” yelled a voice out in the woods.
“Identify yourself,” ordered Sisilia.
“I’m Sendoma and that girl over there is Alexandria,” said Sendoma calmly coming out of the brush pointing to Alexandria on the opposite side.
A conversation started between Rone, Sisilia, Wyvern, Sendoma, and Alexandria that was pretty much the same as the conversation between Rone, Sisilia, and Wyvern. Finally, Rone said, “I think we should go back to Valeria and search for survivors and supplies.”
“I agree,” said Sisilia and Alexandria at the same time with Sendoma noticing the stare they gave each other. (that was a bit awkward. Rephrase?)
“I don’t care just as long as I don’t die,” said Sendoma.
“No! There might be more of them waiting for survivors to return,” said Wyvern with a rush of intelligence. (with a rush of intelligence? Um... that seems a little strange.)
“Ya know[,] big foot has a point there,” said Sendoma[,] joking about Wyvern’s buff body. (Okay, now I'm really confused. Do Sendoma and Wyvern know each other? How are these new characters here? What's going on?)
“That makes sense, but we still need to get supplies and rescue any survivors[,] so let’s come up with a plan,” said Rone [,]already thinking of a plan.
After a while Sendoma said, “I got it. We come into the city at different times, but we make sure we can see each other. The thing is we need a base camp.”
“The library,” Rone said quickly.
“Wha…why?” asked Wyvern[,] completely dumbfounded.
“Well[,] the first thing it is in the center of the town (rephrase?). Secondly[,] with all the tables in there we can create fortifications. And thirdly [,]I need to use the books to translate these scrolls I have.”
“The library it is,” said Sisilia and Alexandria at the same time with Sendoma noticing the look they gave each other again. (the entire prep. phrase at the end is awkward)
“I’ll go in front to lead the way. Last is the most dangerous so you guys argue over it,” said Rone already beginning to sound like a leader. (you don't need to say he's already sounding like a leader. I think it gives a little too much away. I'm sure you can find better ways to foreshadow it.)
“I’ll be last,” said Sendoma [,]surprising everyone.
“Why?” asked Alexandria.
“Well[,] the academy taught me magic that I have no talent in. None of you know how powerful my magic is and I think I am more powerful than most of you right now.”
“Okay [,]I agree Big Mouth’s in the back,” said Wyvern right after Sendoma was finished. (the last part seems unnecessary)
“Okay[,] it’s decided. See you in the library,” said Rone, a little concerned for Sendoma.

Okay. Lots of new characters. As you can tell, the entire part with the scroll making lights and the new characters popping up really confused me. They seemed to come out of nowhere and I just didn't get the scroll thing. Making that more clear would be very beneficial.

Your grammar has improved greatly. There were a few problem spots, but I think you can learn from what I inserted above.

Okay...

Awkward phrasing. Probably your biggest problem right now. Read everything aloud and read a lot; if it sounds strange to you, it will probably sound just as strange if not stranger to the reader. Keep working on it.

Clarity. Well, I think I've already talked about this. The only pointers I can give here are 1. be careful not to be too abrupt. 2. when you describe, make it precise and succinct if need be. 3. get lots of people to read it.

Commas. The only consistent error I saw was no comma after words 'well' and 'okay' at the beginning of sentences. Remember, any interjectives before a sentence need commas.

Keep your characters consistent. I haven't talked about this yet. Now, this may just be me, but at least in the last chapter, Rone didn't seem like the leader-type who would help organize saving his city in the fray of his city just being destroyed. Just be careful. I don't know your characters as well as you do, but let them dictate a lot of their actions and dialogue. Just be careful.

Overdone Foreshadowing. Yeah, the entire 'already sounding like a leader' thing.

This is more of a minor thing, but you use lots of ellipses in here and I love ellipses. I mean, I love ellipses. My English teacher read the second draft (yes, the second draft - the second draft as in 'I'm going to die of embarrassment this is so terrible') of Flames, and she firmly told me that my love of ellipses had to be tempered. So she told me to use long dashes for when people are being cut off and stopping in dialogue abruptly. And, well, now I'm in love with dashes and use them every other paragraph, but oh well. I digress. Moral of the paragraph? Dashes are fun - use them in conjunction with ellipses.

Despite my criticism, this was enjoyable to read. If you haven't noticed yet, I am being very nitpicky (but it's for your own good. ). Please keep writing this and tell me if you edit this 'cause I want to understand what happened with the scroll thing. Nicely done and please keep writing. PM me if you need anything.

Haha... totally didnt' see the other two sections. I'll look at those too...

Rone walked slowly, turning around constantly[and] scanning the area looking for traps (this is a lot. splitting some of these ideas might be good. Also I don't like the word 'constantly'). As Rone got deeper into the town, he started getting (this is quite passive. Just saying he slowly relaxed involves him as a character more.) more relaxed and went faster. After a while Rone reached the library. It was exactly the way he had left it with the two Ankishi’s bodies greeting him as he walked in. He went in (repetition of prep. in makes it strange) and started moving the tables to create a small fortress. As he was setting up the last table, Sisilia walked in.
“Need any help?” she asked [,]surprised at how much Rone had done.
“Yea, can you start gathering translation books? Any language,” said Rone, admiring his fortress.
As Sisilia was searching the shelves for translation books, Rone was searching them for survival and guide books. (again, was searching is very passive.)
“Hello? Anyone here?” shouted a voice from the entrance.
“Wyvern, you’re so stupid. What if there were enemies in here.[?] You would have just announced yourself to them,” shouted Sisilia [,]extremely angry.
“Geez. Sorry.”
“Wyvern, help Sisilia with searching for translation books,” said Rone, not even fazed by Sisilia’s outbreak.
“Okay.”
After a while neither Sendoma nor Alexandria had entered the library, so Rone was getting nervous. (I think Rone getting nervous could be phrased more powerfully)
“Whew. I thought that you guys were caught. You should at least have someone standing there to welcome the others or enemies,” said a voice right above Rone.
Rone looked up and saw Alexandria standing on the top of the book shelf he was looking at. “What took you so long? I was starting to get worried,” said Rone as he let out a sigh of relief.
“I got side tracked a little bit.”
“How about you wait for Sendoma?”
“Okay. Oh[,] and nice fairyland castle you’ve set up here.” (giggles)

Most of the stuff I mentioned last post applies. Here. I'm going to give you a link to a masterful tutorial by Sureal here on YWS about passive voice. Should help you out: viewtopic.php?t=11631

As Sendoma was walking through the city, he noticed something that he hadn’t yet.(second part really isn't necessary) Valeria was still intact. He thought the explosion from before was large enough to destroy most of the city, but most of the buildings were still up. (up is a pretty general word. Saying they still stood might have more impact)
After he was done looking at the buildings[,] he noticed that he had stopped and was out of sight of Alexandria. (the way you phrased him looking at the buildings makes it sound like he was just doing it casually. Perhaps 'when he averted his eyes from the buildings')
“Why’d I volunteer to be last? I don’t even know the way to the library,” whispered Sendoma to himself.
“How’d you survive?” said a commanding voice several feet behind Sendoma.
As (lots of 'as')Sendoma turned around, he saw a guy in black clothing with eyes on fire.
“Hello[,] my name is Sendoma. What is your name?” said Sendoma sarcastically. (sarcastically? Why sarcastically?)
“My name is Makajeh and I am the leader of the Ankishi, the army that destroyed this town. So how did you survive?” responded Makajeh impatiently.
“I was out of the city when it was attacked. How’d you destroy this city?”
“I had infiltrators come in and destroy the gate. Then my army of four thousand came in and killed everyone. Also we blew up the palace before the council and guards could get out.” (Makajeh is so cool! )
“How did an army of four thousand destroy a city of twenty thousand elite magic users?”
“We found a way to make ourselves immune to magic. However, we did have about twenty casualties. Now, I need to kill you.”
Immediately after Sendoma heard that, he got ready to defend himself. Makajeh drew his bastard sword and charged at Sendoma. Sendoma raised his hand in the air and waited for Makajeh to get closer to him. As soon as Makajeh was five feet away, Sendoma aimed his hand at the ground. A pillar of fire spiraled around Sendoma and hit the ground.(repetition of ground) When it hit the ground, it erupted into a curved beam like the end of a parenthesis. It then traveled on the ground quickly toward Makajeh. Makajeh, barely having time to respond, jumped out of the way and slashed at Sendoma. Sendoma ducked and thrust his fist into Makajeh’s gut. Makajeh was stunned by the attack. Sendoma saw the chance and took it. He kept punching Makajeh until Makajeh jumped backward and started dodging. Sendoma backed out of reach of Makajeh and his bastard sword (watch your uniformity of sentence structure)
“You’re tougher than I thought. I will spare your life this once, but next time the battle won’t even be half as long,” said Makajeh panting a little. (panting a little seems a little... strange. Perhaps describing his labored breaths or something else would sound better)
“Wait, before you leave[,] where’s the library?”
Makajeh, annoyed, said words that gave Sendoma chills and teleported away.
“I was serious. I have no idea where the library is,” yelled Sendoma.
“Who are you talking to?” said a female voice behind Sendoma.
“Oh, no one, just the leader of the enemy,” said Sendoma sarcastically (you don't need to say sarcatically. The reader can guess) after he noticed it was Alexandria.
“Really. Well [,]everyone’s waiting so come on,” said Alexandria not really believing him (how about in disbelief?)

Very humorous. I love how calm Makajeh is about everything.

Anyways, most of the stuff here relates back to my original pointers... just two more pointers.

Passive Voice. Watch for it.

Too much 'as'. You use 'as' a lot. First, look it up in the dictionary. Exactly what does as mean? Then investigate the use of other similar words like 'while', 'when', 'during' etc.

Again, please keep writing! See ya around!

ONE LAST THING! You might want to start formatting your chapters more standardly - an entire line between each paragraph (whether is be dialogue or other). The more dense formatting you are using tends to discourage readers.

3. Have you correctly spaced out your work?
Notice how may paragraphs all have spaces between them? This is considered proper spacing, and makes it easier for the reader. Otherwise, your work looks like one long block of text, and will shy people away. This isn’t too hard to do: in between your paragraphs hit the enter/return key so that there is a space, and it should be good.

from viewtopic.php?t=14315

I think it will help you attract more readers.