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Wed Jun 20, 2007 12:27 am
Felicita says...



Well, here it is! My first story. I hope you like it! Oh, and as for the names of the characters? Lol I didn't pick them because I met or favor any of you. The people in this story are all friends of mine,(Antonio, Daniel, Zack, Alohra, Jack, Me, Kyle, and Kiki) not the members of this site. :lol: Rated PG-13 for future chapters!!!
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Set in present time.

The sun rested on the edge of the hill, peeking just over the top of it. A soft glow melted into the church through the tall window panes, washing over the many pews of people. Down the middle of the aisle, a long white carpet extended from the back of the church, up to the altar. Flower pedals were scattered at random along the carpet: a mixture of pink, red, and purple. The sunlight made the carpet appear as a soft cream, warm as a spring morning.

Standing before the altar stood a handsome man, his usual shoulder length brown hair trimmed neatly up to his ear. He smiled adoringly at the woman that stood before him. She stood aglow in her long white gown, a veil covering her face, and her long honey locks curled and fanned out around her shoulders.

An elderly man smiled sweetly at the couple that stood in front of him; he stood before the large crowd of family and friends that sat fanning themselves and cleared his throat before speaking cheerfully, "Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of God – and in the face of this company – to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

All was silent.

The minister nodded and looked back down to the holy book held in his hands, "Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind. It is intended for their mutual joy – and for the help and comfort given on another in prosperity and adversity. But more importantly – it is a means through which a stable and loving environment may be attained..."
"Fee?" The groom spoke gently.

The bride furrowed her eyebrows together questioningly and quickly glanced to the minister; he stood there, still reciting as though he didn't even notice the interruption. Her attention averted back to her beloved, whispering, "Not now."

Again he spoke, his voice smooth, "Fee?"

The bride glanced back to the minister; he stood oblivious and continued reading. She whispered to her husband-to-be, eyes still locked solely on the minister, "Jack! Not. Now!"

He stepped closer, his cerulean eyes tinted with concern, "Felicity? Fee, can you hear me?" He grabbed her shoulder and shook it gently, "Felicity!"


----------

"Felicity, wake up!" Her lids slowly fluttered open. A blur of brown was visible at her left, and a blur of jet black was blurred at her right so she blinked a few times and groaned silently. She rubbed her eyes and re-opened them once more, the fuzzy vision beginning to clear.

Two people leaned down over her, a man and a woman; she looked to the left, "Jack?" He nodded and rubbed his thumb over her forehead. She looked over to her right and smiled, "And Kiki?"

Kiki grinned, her dimples making her cheeks sink in, "Yup! Time for you to get up, Sleeping Beauty, it's almost 10:30."

Felicity reached up and took Jack's hand in her own, rubbing it down her cheek, "Really?"

In unison, both Jack and Kiki replied, "Yes, Miss Lazy."

Fee giggled and closed her eyes again, releasing Jack's hand, "I am not lazy!"

Kiki ruffled Felicity's hair as Jack yanked the covers back. Fee moved Kiki's hand away from her hair and sat up pouting, "Why can't I just go back to sleep and you can wake me back up right before we have to leave?"

Jack patted her knee, "Because it's your turn to get breakfast." he said, "Kyle and I want a McGriddle, Zack and Antonio want a chicken biscuit from Chick-Fil-A, Kiki here wants a sausage and egg biscuit from Burger King-"

"A cup of coffee too, please," Ki interrupted.

"-and Daniel and Alohra want a Breakfast Scrambler from Krystal." He finished.

Felicity scratched her head and sighed, "Alright." She clambered out of bed and stretched her hands high above her head, "When do we leave?"

"Three o' clock."

Fee yawned and nodded, "Ok."

Jack and Kiki walked toward Fee's bedroom door, opened it, and said, "See you downstairs." before walking out and shutting the door quietly behind them.

----------

A few minutes later, Felicity's bedroom door was re-opened and Fee herself made her way down the hall and to the bathroom to wash. She stopped by the laundry room and picked up a clean towel and wash cloth, "Tony, what happened to all the soap?" She yelled.

Heavy footsteps could be heard coming upstairs, followed by a male's voice, "Why are you asking me?" He questioned, stopping in the laundry room. Antonio stood in the doorway and leaned against the doorframe, "I didn't touch it."

Fee bent over and searched through the old purple basket that they kept all of the soap bars in, "But you were the last person to shower."

He walked further in and stepped on a small spider with his boots along the way, "You don't know that." He walked up behind her and gave her a light spank on the butt, "Lovely view, by the way."

Felicity squealed and abruptly stood up right. She giggled and punched him in the shoulder, "Stop it!"

He childishly mimicked her in a falsetto voice, "Stop it!" In return, he received another half-hearted punch in the shoulder from Felicity.

"Quit! And, yes, I do know that you were the last person to shower. You are always the last person to shower!" She moved to bend back over but thought better of it when she was suddenly reminded that she may be smacked again, so instead, she squatted down so that she could dig through the three or four small baskets of cloths.

Antonio too squatted and helped her, "That may be true, but there is always room for change, you know." He stated. "Aha! Here we go." Antonio cried triumphantly as he tossed Fee the soap bar, "Dove for the dove." He winked.

Fee rolled her eyes and chuckled, "Tony, behave." The two stood up and walked towards the door. Along the way, Fee snatched up a red wash cloth and dark green towel, "I will tell Jack and Daniel if you don't."

Antonio chuckled and flicked off the laundry room light before they stepped out. He pulled Fee into hug and softly kissed the side of her neck; he whispered, "What they won't know won't hurt them."

Fee laughed and pushed him away, "Tony stop! God! I thought you were gay."

He grinned, eyes twinkling, "I am, but I can make an exception for a fine lady such as yourself."

She gasped in shock, "Dio anto! Are you serious?"

He stared down into her brown eyes for a while, his face emotionless before it cracked into a wide grin and he clutched his stomach, laughing, "Hell no! I was only kidding!" He chuckled, "I couldn't cheat on Daniel, especially not with...you."

Her mouth hung agape, "What's that suppose to me?"

Antonio smiled and softly patted her cheek, "You're so adorable, Fluffy." He said, turning around to walk back downstairs, "And don't forget to get me some honey mustard to go with my chicken sandwich!"

She shook her head and rolled her eyes, a smirk crossing over her lips, "He's so strange."

----------

Felicity had left the house thirty or so minutes ago to pick up the food. As usual, she left her Coach purse on her night stand and only took her cell phone and wallet. Jack and Kyle sat in the living room, staring up at the ceiling as they watched the fan go around and around, "Hey, Kyle?"

"Yeah." He replied.

Jack sat up on his elbows and stared down at Kyle, "Is it just me, or does Felicity seem a bit...off all of a sudden. I mean, she's still her, but she's acting strangely. Sleeping later, not eating as much anymore, snapping a lot, and being a bit more isolated."

Kyle sighed and turned over on his stomach; he looked back up at Jack, "No, it's not just you; she has been acting oddly. Both Kiki and I noticed it about a week ago, but we didn't want to say anything. We didn't want to offend her and, like you said, she's been all snippy snappy as of late."

"Hmm," Jack hummed quietly to himself. What was her problem? Was she hiding something? Was she going through some stage? Maybe she... "Oh my God!" Jack cried, sitting up all the way, "She's pregnant!"

Kyle stared up at him and laughed, sitting up as well, "Could be. Have you two...erm..." He fumbled, flopping his hands this way and that way. Talking about this kind of stuff was always uncomfortable for Kyle.

"Had sex?" He finished.

"Yes, that." Kyle said, relieved that he didn't have to say it himself.

"Nope. That doesn't mean anything, though, she could have slept around with Daniel."

Kyle furrowed his brows, "He's gay and 'Licity is straight."

"And? When you're caught in the heat of the moment, anything could happen!"

Kyle laughed and laid back down, "I doubt it. You know how Fee is. The whole 'abstinent until marriage' and 'staying loyal' thing. I've known her since kindergarten and I know how her mind works. Trust me, Jackeroo, she isn't pregnant, just weird."

"Who's weird?" Questioned a new voice. Both Kyle and Jack looked to the living room entryway as Zack came sauntering in, playing his Game boy.

"Felicity." Replied Kyle.

"Psh," Zack said, "Even I could have told you that!" He took a seat on the couch and tapped the game buttons furiously, "Come, stupid! Jump! Jump!"

Jack laughed quietly, "What are you playing?"

Zack was silent for a while as he concentrated on winning his level. He had been trying to beat the same level since last week, and now, he had lost again. He let out a frustrated growl and fell onto his side, as though his head were too heavy to stay up, "Well I was playing Pirates: Dead Man's Chest, but I can't get past the level with the cannibals. Oh well." He tossed the Game boy to the side and sat up straight, "So, how's Fee weird?"

Jack shrugged, "Just the way she's been acting lately. Not eating, snapping, sleeping late, blah, blah, blah."

Zack sat there for a while, thinking, "She could be cycling?"

Kyle cocked his head to the side, confused, "Eh?"

Zack rolled his eyes, "You really are stupid sometimes, Kyle," He stated, "I mean that she may be on her period."

Jack nodded to Zack but kept his eyes on Kyle, "I'm going with Zacky's word on this one. He's had more experience with women, being as he's dumped and dated almost every girl on the planet." He turned to Zack and grinned, "Am I right?"

Zack shoved him in the head and laughed, "Whatever!" Just then, the front door opened and Fee came in toting four bags of food and a cup of coffee. Jack, Kyle, and Zack got up and took the bags from her hand, so she wouldn't drop them, and took them to the kitchen, "Alohra, Antonio, Daniel, Kiki! Food's here!" Zack yelled.

On their way to the kitchen, Jack leaned over to Kyle and whispered, "We'll talk about it later," He set the McDonald's bag down on the table and took a seat, "Time to eat, and then we're off to Florida!"

TBC...

Note: Dio anto is Italian for Oh my God.
  





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Wed Jun 20, 2007 12:48 am
Jennafina says...



Set in present time.

Show, don't tell!

You say carpet a lot in the first paragraph. Maybe you could vary it up?

He stepped closer, his cerulean eyes tinted with concern,

I don't like the word cerulean in here. There's a time and place for it, but in this sentence, it interrupts the flow.

she blinked a few times and groaned silently.

Is that possible? It seems kind of weird.

Jack and Kiki walked toward Fee's bedroom door, opened it, and said, "See you downstairs." before walking out and shutting the door quietly behind them.

There should be a comma instead of a period after downstairs.

picked up a clean towel and wash cloth, "Tony, what happened to all the soap?" She yelled.

The comma after cloth should be a period, and the she shouldn't be capitalized.

He walked further in and stepped on a small spider with his boots along the way, "You don't know that." He walked up behind her and gave her a light spank on the butt, "Lovely view, by the way."

How is the spider relevant? It made me stop and wonder why you were mentioning it, which slowed down your story. Also, the commas after way and butt should be periods.

Felicity squealed and abruptly stood up right. She giggled and punched him in the shoulder, "Stop it!"

Period, instead of comma after shoulder.

Her mouth hung agape, "What's that suppose to me?"

I think you might mean, "What's that supposed to mean?" Also, there should be a period instead of a comma after agape.

"Yeah." He replied.

Should be: "Yeah," he replied.

"Is it just me, or does Felicity seem a bit...off all of a sudden. I mean, she's still her, but she's acting strangely. Sleeping later, not eating as much anymore, snapping a lot, and being a bit more isolated."

This sounds like he's listing off the symptoms of clinical depression. If that's what she has, I'd disguise it a little more. It's not always that easy.

I'm not going to do any more line-by-lining, but there are a lot of grammar errors that need correcting. For dialogue punctuation, there are lots of great articles in the writing tips section of this site. :D

I think the main problem with this story is that it has so many characters, and they're hard to keep track of. It might help if you introduced the secondary characters one by one, and gave each of them a very distinct personality. Also, some more description would help.

Thanks a lot for posting this, and good luck with the editing! ^_^ It looks like you've got a good start, it just needs a little tidying. Let me know if anything in my review doesn't make sense.
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Wed Jun 20, 2007 1:00 am
Felicita says...



Thanks Jenna!! That was a lot of help.

This sounds like he's listing off the symptoms of clinical depression. If that's what she has, I'd disguise it a little more. It's not always that easy.
I don't get what you mean by disguise the way she...well I (lol) have been acting.

Grazie!!!

-Felicity
"You're like a bad novel, you know. Every chapter of it is horrible from beginning to end."
  





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Wed Jun 20, 2007 1:18 am
Lady Sydney says...



I agree with Jenna about the grammar and such. Watch out for those!! Other than that, I enjoyed it. I look forward to more!!

~Sydney
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.
  





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Sat Jun 23, 2007 5:00 am
Enigma says...



Going with what everyone was saying before, your chapter needs just a little work. :wink: I don't know much about your characters, other than Daniel and Antonio are gay. :lol: Other than that, though, your characters are just names. Hope that didn't sound too harsh. :(

I personally think that this story has potential and with just some work in the description section, this could turn out to be really nice. Not that it isn't or anything, but it could be better I'm sure. :)

Good luck and best wishes!
:)
-Nic
"You spell stupid S-T-YOU-P-I-D!!!" - LoveAlways,Rose.
  








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