Young Writers Society

(please help me improve.)

Lucius Cain, a soldier in the glorious army of the Warfront, had fought many battles and wore the wounds that covered his body as proof. The newest His newest addition to his collection was a scar that came over his left eye, went down next to his nose and ended above his mouth. He was proud to say that no wounds were found on his back as to show that he has never turned from the battlefield.

Cain followed on simple saying, which was EON. Its either everything or it is nothing. If something is worth dying for, it’s everything, and something worth killing is nothing.

He lived in a time were it was neither past, present nor future. It was a time where were mechanical giants fought alongside the soldiers, but steam and gunpowder had just been discovered.

Long ago, long before far before he was born, Earth's Earths movement and rotation changed that caused permanent day in one half, and night in the other.

Many inventions were created to cause artificial eclipses, and electricity was invented before its time. But world war broke out to claim better lands, especially those that lived in dusk and dawn. An ice age was eventually created in the night-side that decreased the survival chance, and also increased war to claim warmer places.

This is when the Warfront was made, a civilization that fights for survival and is located on day-side. Its soldiers know that the Warfront is everything, and anyone who opposes it is nothing!

Chapter one

Cain and nineteen other men were patrolling the road that slithered through the great forest. They had not fought a battle for a week and a half and were becoming suspicious, since they were they’re usually up to their necks in fighting.

Their silver armor reflected the light that breached through the cracks in the forest's forests natural roof. The trees were rooted into the ground that had no rocks or plants covering it, only the leaves that fell from above. The forest seemed to reach into the horizon endlessly.

Bright yellow and orange leaves were gently gliding to the ground that made a thin layer that covered most of the forests floor.

The trees were rooted into the ground that had no rocks or plants covering it, only the leaves that fell from above.

Animals lived happily in this forest, since battles rarely took place in the vicinity due to these large trees and one will usually be fought in an open plain. But none of the soldiers dared to take notice, rather pay attention to any movement. < 'rather pay attention to any movement' This seems weird. Did you mean 'the soldiers paid attention to all movement in the forest'? If so, the way you've communicated it is odd, and I'd have to reread it to make my point clearer - which I'm not doing - too tired. Now, onward! The enemy can easily surround them (Should be 'The enemy could easily surround them' You used present tense this time.)

Also, 'them' who? It seems like you're saying 'The enemy could easily surround the enemy' because of the way you've written it. You need to introduce the good guys into this -if that's what you meant to do-: 'The enemy could easily surround the soldiers' if they make < made, not make - You used present tense again use of the cover that the forest offers < offered - Present tense again! them.

The soldiers of the warfront wore bright red scarves that covered their nose, ears and mouth with helmets with plumes made out of sharp needles and blades. Their weapons consisted mostly of their < The second 'their' in this sentence isn't needed. We already know it's theirs. ranged gunpowder guns and long spears.

Cain stopped and his glare narrowed. He had heard a branch snap under the Wight < weight? If so, take out the capital letter. of a person or animal. None of the warfronts If the Warfront is a civilisation, you can capitalise it, because it is a proper noun. Change it to: 'the Warfront's' - you also need to show that it is the possessor of the soldiers with the apostrophe. soldiers could be the source of the sound since they are Wrong tense. 'they were' trained not to make such a clumsy mistake. I'd change the above sentence completely: "The Warfront's soldiers couldn't have been the source of the sound, as they were trained to avoid making such clumsy mistakes." Not perfect, but better.

All of the men stopped and strained their ears to listen. Even the general of the party stopped, trusting one of his best men.

The soldier that had stepped on the twig was a Vancan, one of the Warfront's Warfronts most hated enemies enemy. He had got split up from his fellow soldiers and was standing behind a large oak. He clenched his teeth and tried not to breath. He knew he would be caught, and if he’s < he's is shorthand for 'he is' - present tense. 'He would be' lucky they might take him as a prisoner. He let out a slight whimper before realizing the mistake he had made, < Why would he let out a whimper -before- he realised his mistake? Suggestion: 'a slight whimper when he realised...' for he could hear 20 pares < 'twenty pairs of feet' Numeric symbols aren't allowed! of feet running towards the tree that had made the sound.

The soldier closed his eyes and only dared to open them when the sound had stopped, only to find himself encircled by Warfront soldiers. “Mercy! I’m unarmed!” he yelled. A large soldier that bore many scars and suited in heavy armor was talking to what looked like a general. He had a close shaved beard and had no hair on his < No hair on his what? Head?whispering so that the soldier did not hear a word they were saying.

He could only hear a few words like “…prisoner” and “spy” which narrowed down the options they have: either execute him as a enemy and a spy, or take him as a prisoner. He had made a worthy decision on throwing away his weapons when he saw the oncoming patrol since he was outnumbered, he might even have a chance to live he may now even give him a chance to live.

A sudden and horrible thought entered his mind: “what if the < they just handed me one of their swords?” but the thought faded away as a drowsiness overcome him, and soon went into a deep sleep whilst the two soldiers were deciding about his fate.

When the soldier awoke he found himself being carried on someone’s shoulder. He still felt sleepy and had a headache. They must have hit him over the head when he was asleep. His thoughts were scrambled in the maze that was his head. He slightly looked up < He looked up slightly and immediately noticed that he was staring into the face of the scarred one < , he quickly let his head go limp again, as if he had lost consciousness. and then quickly dropped his head as if he had lost consciousness.

He felt the scarred one’s gaze burn into his skull and suddenly had the urge to look into his eyes but when he eventually lifted his head once more he saw that the he had walked to another soldier and was talking, lifting his massive sword and pointing it at him from time to time.

He rubbed his head and tapped the warrior’s back in a attempt to be put on his feet and as if a reply < as if in reply was dropped to the ground , cushioned by the forest floor. but luckily landed on the soft forest floor. He quickly stood up and saw that no one was paying attention to him, except for a few men with war-powder guns that kept eyeballing him.

“They’ll shoot me if I run.” He thought. “What if I talk to them?” he walked up to one of the swordsmen and asked where they were going. The reply was simple, and given trough a mouth that oozed of hatred. “Warfronts main military base”.

Lucius Cain, a soldier in the glorious army of the Warfront, had fought many battles and wore the wounds that covered his body as proof. [s]His[/s] The newest addition to his collection was a scar that came over his left eye, went down next to his nose and ended above his mouth. He was proud to say that no wounds were found on his back as to show that he has never turned from the battlefield.

Cain [s]followed on[/s] believed in a simple saying, [s]which was EON.[/s] You don't need this Its either everything or it is nothing. If something is worth dying for, it’s everything, and something worth killing for it's nothing.

He lived in a time [s]were [/s] where it was neither past, present nor future. It was a time [s]were[/s] where mechanical giants fought alongside the [s]soldiers[/s]men sounds better, but steam and gunpowder had just been discovered.
Long ago, far before he was born, the Earths movement and rotation changed [s]that[/s]this caused permanent day [s]in[/s]on one half of the planet, and night [s]in[/s]on the other. Many inventions were created to cause artificial eclipses, and electricity was invented before its time. [s]But [/s]world war broke out to claim better lands, especially those that lived in dusk and dawn. An ice age was eventually created in the night-side that decreased the survival [s]chance[/s]rate, and [s]also[/s] increased war [s]to claim[/s]over warmer places. This is when the Warfront was made, a civilization that fights for survival and is located on day-side. Its soldiers know that the Warfront is everything, and anyone who opposes it is nothing!

Chapter One

Cain and nineteen other men were patrolling the road that [s]slithered[/s]wound sounds better through the great forest. They had not fought [s]a battle[/s] for [s]a[/s] weeks [s]and a half[/s] and were becoming suspicious, since [s]they’re usually up to their necks in fighting.[/s]This just sounds a bit awkward. Try: the enemy frequently patrolled this area.
Their silver armor reflected the light that breached through the cracks in the forests natural roof. The trees were rooted into [s]the[/s] ground that had no rocks or plants covering it, only [s]the[/s] leaves that fell from above. The forest seemed to reach into the horizon endlessly. Bright yellow and orange leaves were gently gliding to the ground [s]that made[/s]making a thin layer that covered most of the forest[s]s[/s] floor. Animals lived happily in this forest, since battles rarely took place in the vicinity [s]due to these[/s]beacause of the large trees and one will usually be fought in [s]an[/s]some open plain. [s]But[/s] none of the soldiers dared to take notice, rather pay attention to any movement. The enemy can easily surround them if they make use of the cover [s]that[/s] the forest offers them.
The soldiers of the Warfront wore bright red scarves that covered their nose, ears and mouth, [s]with[/s] had helmets with plumes made out of sharp needles and blades. [s]Their weapons consisted[/s]They were armed mostly [s]of their[/s]with ranged gunpowder guns and long spears.
New Paragraph here
Cain stopped and his glare narrowed.[s] He had heard[/s] A branch snapped under the weight of a person or animal. None of the Warfronts soldiers could [s]be the source of the sound since they are trained not to make[/s]have made such a clumsy mistake. All of the men stopped and strained their ears [s]to[/s] listening, Even [s]the[/s]their [s]general[/s] A general is a bit too high up, a captain would be better [s]of the party[/s] stopped, trusting one of his best men. The [s]soldier[/s]man [s]that[/s]who had stepped on the twig was a Vancan, one of the Warfronts most hated [s]enemy[/s]enemies. He had [s] got split up[/s]been seperated from his fellow soldiers and was [s]standing[/s]cpwering would be better in this situation behind a large oak, [s]He[/s] [s]clenched[/s]clenching his teeth and [s]tried[/s]trying not to breath[s]. He knew[/s]knowing he would be caught, and if he’s lucky [s]they[/s] might [s]take him as a[/s] taken prisoner. He let out a slight whimper,[/b[] before realizing the mistake he had made, for he could hear [s]20 pares[/s][b]twenty pairs of feet running towards the tree that had made the sound. The [s]soldier[/s]Vancan closed his eyes and only dared to open them when the sound had stopped, only to find himself encircled by Warfront soldiers.
New paragraph
“Mercy! I’m unarmed!” he yelled.
New paragraph
A large soldier that bore many scars and suited in heavy armor was talking to what looked like a [s]general[/s]Too high up, use 'Captain'. He had a close shaved beard and had no hair on. Add the full stop [s]his[/s]He was whispering so that the soldier did not hear [s]a word[/s]what they were saying. He could only hear a few words like “…prisoner” and “spy” which narrowed down the options [s]they have[/s]he had: he would eitherbe executed [s]him[/s] as a enemy and a spy, or take[s] him as a[/s] prisoner. He had made a worthy decision on throwing away his weapons when he saw the oncoming patrol since he was outnumbered, [s]he[/s]they may now even give him a chance to live. A sudden and horrible thought entered his mind: [s]“[/s]what if the just handed me one of their swords?[s]”[/s] but the thought faded away as a drowsiness overcome him, and soon [s]went[/s]fell into a deep sleep whilst the two soldiers were deciding [s]about[/s] his fate.

When the soldier awoke he found himself being carried on someone’s shoulder. He still felt sleepy and had a headache.[s] They must have hit him over the head when he was asleep.[/s] His thoughts were scrambled in the maze that was his head. He slightly looked up and [s]immediately[/s] noticed that he was staring into the face of the scarred one and then quickly dropped his head as if he had lost consciousness.[s] Everything rushed back to him. How he had got lost, dropping his weapons, being surrounded by the Warfront patrol.[/s] He felt the scarred one’s gaze burn into his skull and suddenly had the urge to look into his eyes but when he eventually lifted his head once more he saw that the he had walked to another soldier and was talking, lifting his massive sword and pointing it at him from time to time. He rubbed his head and tapped the warrior’s back in a attempt to be put on his feet and as if a reply was dropped to the ground [s]but luckily[/s] land[s]ed[/s]ing on the soft forest floor. He quickly stood-upword swap and saw that no one was paying attention to him, except for a few men with war-powder guns [s]that[/s]who kept eyeballing him. [s]“[/s]Put thoughts in italics not speech marksThey’ll shoot me if I run.[s]”[/s] He thought. [s]“What if I talk to them?[/s]” He walked up to one of the swordsmen and asked where they were going. The reply was simple, and given through a mouth that oozed of hatred. “Warfronts main military base”.

Lucius Cain, a soldier in the glorious army of the Warfront, had fought many battles and wore the wounds that covered his body as proof. The newest addition to his collection was a scar that came over his left eye, went down next to his nose and ended above his mouth. He was proud to say that no wounds were found on his back as to show that he has never turned from the battlefield.

Cain believed in a simple saying. Its either everything or it is nothing. If something is worth dying for, it’s everything, and something worth killing is nothing.

He lived in a time where it was neither past, present nor future. It was a time where mechanical giants fought alongside the men of the Warfront, but steam and gunpowder had just been discovered.
Long ago, far before he was born, The Earths movement and rotation changed. This caused permanent day on one half of the planet, and night on the other. Many inventions were created to cause artificial eclipses, and electricity was invented before its time. But world war broke out to claim better lands, especially those that lived in dusk and dawn. An ice age was eventually created in the night-side that decreased the survival rate, and increased war over warmer places. This is when the Warfront was made, a civilization that fights for survival and is located on day-side. Its soldiers know that the Warfront is everything, and anyone who opposes it is nothing!

Their silver armor reflected the light that breached through the cracks in the forests natural roof. The trees were rooted into the ground that had no rocks or plants covering it, only the leaves that fell from above. The forest seemed to reach into the horizon endlessly. Bright yellow and orange leaves were gently gliding to the ground making a thin layer that covered most of the forests floor. Animals lived happily in this forest, since battles rarely took place in the vicinity because of the large trees and will usually be fought in some open plain. None of the soldiers dared to take notice, rather pay attention to any movement. The enemy can easily surround them if they make use of the cover the forest offers them.

He let out a slight whimper before realizing the mistake he had made, for he could hear 20 pairs of feet running towards the tree that had made the sound. The Vancan closed his eyes and only dared to open them when the sound had stopped, only to find himself encircled by Warfront soldiers.

“Mercy! I’m unarmed!” he yelled.

He had made a worthy decision on throwing away his weapons when he saw the oncoming patrol since he was outnumbered, they may now even give him a chance to live. A sudden and horrible thought entered his mind: “what if the just handed me one of their swords?” but the thought faded away as a drowsiness overcome him, and soon fell into a deep sleep whilst the two soldiers were deciding about his fate.

The reply was simple, and given trough a mouth that oozed of hatred. “Our camp”.