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untitled a novel chapter one, i have revised this chapter



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Wed Oct 17, 2007 7:11 pm
Kim says...



i have revised this chapter, please go to Something Out There, there are now 4 chapters posted.

this is the first time i have tried to write, please be honest and find my mistakes. thanks kim


untitled

Chapter One



The night air was crisp, as was the ground under Seth's footsteps. Fall had finally made its entrance. The trees had let go of their leaves, as if they knew they were no longer needed for beauty.

Seth loved this time of year, it was one of the few times his footsteps made a sound as he walked,and tonight he purposely let his feet touch ground, just so he could hear the leaves crackle under his steps.

His mind was in turmoil, he had to get this figured out, but he could not grasp the reasoning. He ran his fingers through his long golden hair, what was it? There is always a purpose, ALWAYS! Why was this one kept from him?
He continued to walk slow, he willed his mind to match his footsteps. But his mind wouldn't slow to the pace.

How could he exist with out his charge? This child that was given to him to protect from the moment he entered his mothers womb. Seth had steadfastly guarded Christian, who now celebrated his 10th birthday. He loved this boy with everything that was in him. Christian with his soft, brown curly hair and eyes that matched. His boy had a way of melting your heart by just being in the same room with him. He also knew that Christian was different then other children his age. But that was something Seth kept to himself. he shut his eyes tight, and could not control the tears that trickled down his face.

Seth did not see the scrawny black arm with long, pointed finger nails, strike out and make him fall to the ground. As he laid in a heap, The creature crawled away with a sneer, leaving a sulfuric mist in the air.

He just stayed there, there was no energy left to get up, nor was there a will. All he could feel right now was a sadness so deep, that it cut to his soul. Only one other time had he felt this way and that was thousands of years ago. The feeling of helplessness was not something Seth was used to.

The park was full of tree's, it gave a feeling of being in the forest and not in the center of a city. It was full of small animals, and it was Christian's favorite place to be. He loved feeding the squirrels and chipmunks.

"Stop it!", Seth screamed in his mind, trying to keep the memories from surfacing. This is not going to get you answers.


Aronn floated just barely at the top of the tree line, just enough to keep hidden. His massive wings tucked in, so their light would not give away his presence. The darkness of night helped to shroud his large form.


His green eyes stood out against his black hair. He was unaware of his beauty, but not his strength.

He wrapped his cloak tighter around himself as he watched Seth, he was trying to understand the emotions that Seth was emanating. It confused him. Where was Seth's strength? He looked pitiful just laying there! It filled him with disgust.

Aronn also saw the creature following Seth, It would take but a blink of an eye to end its disgusting existence, but he could not draw his sword to send it back to the depths. If he did, it would give away his presence. And that small of a demon was not worth showing himself. Not yet anyway.

He stayed where he was for what seemed like eternity , not moving even an inch, observing the entire park. His job right now was to keep an eye on Seth. He would rather be anywhere but here. His passion was going into battle, that is what he was designed to do, not being a babysitter for a guardian, and a pathetic one at that. But he would stay, and follow orders.

Seth was still just lying there, the only thing that moved was his robe in the wind. Aronn was getting extremely annoyed by this, when suddenly something else moved in the dark. it was about 10 feet from the tree Aronn was above. He knew it wasn't one of his kind by the way it crawled along the edges of the bushes. It was larger then the one that had been trailing Seth earlier,much larger. Why would they be interested in Seth? This didn't make sense, one this size didn't waste their time on anything but countries and nations. Not parks, and definitely not guardians.

Aronn drew his sword, something didn't feel right. Does he stay in place, or show himself. He was told to protect Seth but to do it without being seen. His skin crawled as the creature got right beneath him, it didn't look up, its red eyes were only on Seth. It watched him silently, unaware that it had been seen. Its mouth spread in an uneven grin.
Last edited by Kim on Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:41 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Wed Oct 17, 2007 8:37 pm
jonny911 says...



O.K., it looks like you need a lot of help. First of all, you really shouldn't post a story one paragaph long. There isn't near enough detail for people to really comment on your story. I'm assuming by the "I don't know how to make another paragraph part", that you haven't used Word before. Try double pressing enter, hitting tab, and then typing the next paragraph. That's what most people on YWS do. If you need any more help PM me.
"Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A felon!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yah! This kid at school says they get all the girls!"
"I should try that..."
  





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Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:13 pm
BigBadBear says...



Hey! It is a great story, but I am not sure what you mean by when you said you need help ending and beginning a paragraph. Do you mean like literally ending it, and hitting enter twice, or like how to sum up a good paragraph? Anyway, if you add more, people will be more likely to help you. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear

if you need me, you can alway PM me.


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Fri Oct 19, 2007 7:13 am
lysolstinks says...



wow, this one grabbed me from the beginning, for your first time i will go easy. some of your paragraphs could be combined into the sentence. it seems to broke up with so many short sentences. but hey thats just my opinion, dont quite understand the top comments , it seemed long enough to me.
  





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Fri Oct 19, 2007 7:16 am
Kim says...



thanks for your honest comments, the reason for the first two was because i had only posted the first few paragraphs to get feed back. i took their advice and added the rest.
  





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Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:27 am
B r i a s a u r u s says...



Its very good kimmy :]

I love it :D
Cant wait for more ;D

Plus, You inspired me to... try to write my own haha :]


ILOVEYOU!
  





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Mon Oct 29, 2007 3:12 pm
just_intoxicated03 says...



this is really cool, and it intrigued me from beginning to start. although the time when the perspectives changed from seth to aronn kind of confused me. i was kinda expecting more from seth, and it didn't seem proper that it be cut off by
This is not going to get you answers.
a follow up on that thought would have been nice. some lines could've melded into one of the paragraphs, to make the idea stronger. anyways, over-all this is good, can't wait to find out what happened to seth :D keep on writing great stuff!
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is. --Homer Simpson
  





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Mon Nov 26, 2007 12:43 am
xyberangel says...



Hey Kim, I think this is quite an intersting story, I like how you captured my attention right from the begginning. Though i dont understand this line.
Kim wrote: This child that was given to him to protect from the moment he entered his mothers womb.
Maybe you should make it clearler if the him was Seth or Christian because this line could be interpreted both ways. Is it that Seth was protecting Christian when Christian was just born, or that even since Seth was in his womb, his purpose was to protect Christian.
  








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