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Young Writers Society


The Shapeshifter- Chapter 1



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202 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 14895
Reviews: 202
Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:17 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



Spoiler! :
I'm not doing too good for reviews on this story so far. I don't know, does this story make sense? Any and all comments appreciated!



“Forget safety, let’s just take the sonic-train to school!” Kevin mutters. He pulls his shoulder strap up higher and shifts his weight impatiently. The huge dome ceiling, complete with skylights, looms over the station platform. People walk in front of him, in a hurry to start their day. High heels, boots, polished shoes, but not very many sneakers. Which means that there aren’t a lot of kids at the station, which means they’re not taking the trains to school, which means they have other means of getting there.
Unlike me. Kevin thinks bitterly.
Most thirteen-year-olds would have some other method of getting to school. Kevin’s only option, however, is the sonic-train.
Huge flat screens hang from the ceiling, blaring the mid-morning news over the multitude of pedestrians. Something on the big words at the side of the screen catches Kevin’s attention. A woman reporter is standing in front of a totalled building that appears to have been a bank. From what can be heard over the echoing station area, the words ‘robbery’ and ‘altered-ability’ stand out. Kevin furrows his eyebrows at the mention of the politically-correct term for people with mutations. The camera moves on to show the shattered doorway and then the inside. The destruction is incapable of being caused by any ordinary human with a weapon. Shredded offices chairs, charred desks, even one of the support pillars litter the once-elaborate bank.
Then they play interviews with several people on the street. One woman shakes her head, looking quite upset. “All I want is the safety of my children, and if they’re going to allow these . . . animals to run the streets, then I just might be leaving!”
Kevin lowers his eyes from the monitors. He masks his face in an unconcerned expression. The mutant situation didn’t matter to him. People leaving Nita did. If they leave, the company his father commands will lose billions of dollars. Which means more tension in the Starskye apartment. Not like there wasn’t enough now.
He jolts to attention by the hissing air brakes as the train pulls in the station. Pulling his shoulder bag up again, he makes his way through the people and onto the train. He holds his pass up to the scanner by the door and steps in. The train is busy today. Actually he can’t think of a time when it wasn’t. There’s an empty seat near the back without anyone sitting beside him. Once he drops into the high-backed seating, he pulls his handheld computer from his pocket to check his messages. There’s over twenty; he ignores them and puts the device back to sleep mode.
There’s a dull hum as the train’s quadruple engines warm up. An alarm sounds to warn people to stay away from the track. They take off, in seconds they’re out of the station and quickly picking up speed. Kevin gazes out the window at the city flashing by. Huge skyscrapers carve the horizon into a jagged line. The late morning sun glints off millions of windows. He stares as a particularly enormous scraper appears. It’s so wide things almost feel in slow motion. Then it’s gone and things resume blurring by. He sits back in his seat and looks up. Protecting the entire city is a dome that is made out of a combination of electricity and ultra-fibred glass. Nita’s yellow sky is visible through it. The dome is the most important thing to keep humans alive. It enhances oxygen to breathable levels, it protects from the frequent meteor showers, controls temperature, and keeps gravity to a liveable level. The dome has never failed, and probably never would. There were more backup generators than the times his dad had broken a promise.
Another thing about Nita is its twenty-four-hour days. The massive size of the planet not only caused too much gravity, it also cause longer periods of light or dark. Basically, every other day was dark out. A night day, as it’s called.
He sits, gazing out the window for a while. Nothing but the sound of the occasional muttering between people and the quiet whirring of the train. Without warning, Kevin’s vision whirls. He blinks it away. Seconds later it happens again, this time worse. He gasps in confusion, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he brings a shaking hand up to eye level. It refuses to come into focus, his whole body is trembling now.
He stands up, in a daze and hardly knowing what he’s doing. “Help,” He says, barely audible. The floor curves up to meet him. Then sleep.
Panicked voices. Gentle nudging of the shoulder. Why is dad waking him up already? He wants to sleep more. “Go ‘way,” he mumbles. The nudging persists. With much effort, his eyelids flutter open. A young man leans over him, light brown eyes looking over his face in concern. “Are you okay? Do you feel any pain?”
Kevin blinks, still trying to figure out where he is. Red carpet, chrome paneling- the train!
“Are you hurt?” The young man asks again. He has very light accent that is undistinguishable.
“No. I’m fine.” Kevin goes to sit up on one elbow and immediately sucks his breath in between his teeth. It hurts. A lot. Every muscle, every limb, every inch of skin hurts.
“Can I help you up?”
“Okay.”
He’s hauled to his feet. The dizziness has gone, and it only takes a few staggering back-steps to regain his balance. The man lets go of his wrists.
“Will you be alright?” It seems he can only ask questions.
“Yes. I think so.” Kevin smiles and tries not to flinch from it. As long as they think he’ll be okay, they’ll leave him alone.
“Alright people, back to your seats.” The stewardess says. The onlookers obey. Kevin does the same. Soon the whole car is back to normal, as if nothing happened. The stewardess comes up to him.
“Are you sure you don’t need anything? Perhaps you should be checked at the hospital.”
Kevin stares at her. “No thanks, ma’am. I’m sure I’ll be just fine.”
She nods and leaves, a strong scent of too much perfume left behind.
Already the pain is wearing off. It’s really weird, Kevin has to admit, nothing like this has ever happened to him.
He wants to tell Matilda. She’s been his friend since he was ten, and ever since they’ve been inseparable. Give or take a few arguments.
After a few more minutes, the sonic train began to slow for it’s destination. Kevin set his shoulder bag in his lap and jumped up when they stopped moving. He got off the train with the swarm of passengers and made his way outside, down the crowded street, and toward the school.
  





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24 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1051
Reviews: 24
Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:40 pm
Alzora says...



This is a really good story, I think it has potential.:D
Your spaces aren't so great, try to (whenever you hit Enter or Return) make an actual space between words, not just a new line. The dome idea is [i]really cool![i] A couple of sentences have a little to much information in them, most you don't need that much info, others you could make another sentence with. i.e. She nods and leaves, a strong scent of too much perfume left behind. The part 'strong scent of too much perfume' you could shorten to 'overload of perfume' or 'strong scent of perfume'. Either would work. But, all in all, this is so far a great story, most of it makes sense, and it has potential!!

Alzora
My kitty avatar is my minion. She sneaks everywhere and always tells me whats going on.
*kitty avatar sneaks up and whispers in my ear*
Oh... She says it is time...
*grabs you and puts you in box*
Perfect!
  





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Reviews: 8
Tue Oct 05, 2010 1:33 am
guitargirl says...



Hey! :smt001

Pretty Crazy wrote:“Forget safety, let’s just take the sonic-train to school!” Kevin mutters. He pulls his shoulder strap up higher and shifts his weight impatiently. The huge dome ceiling, complete with skylights, looms over the station platform. People walk in front of him, in a hurry to start their day. High heels, boots, polished shoes, but not very many sneakers. Which means that there aren’t a lot of kids at the station, which means they’re not taking the trains to school, which means they have other means of getting there.
Unlike me. You should italicize thoughts of the characters.Kevin thinks bitterly.
Most thirteen-year-olds would have some other method of getting to school. Kevin’s only option, however, is the sonic-train.
Huge flat screens hang from the ceiling, blaring the mid-morning news over the multitude of pedestrians. Something on the big words at the side of the screen catches Kevin’s attention. A woman reporter is standing in front of a totalled building that appears to have been a bank. From what can be heard over the echoing station area, the words ‘robbery’ and ‘altered-ability’ stand out. Kevin furrows his eyebrows at the mention of the politically-correct term for people with mutations. The camera moves on to show the shattered doorway and then the inside. The destruction is incapable of being caused by any ordinary human with a weapon. Shredded offices chairs, charred desks, even one of the support pillars litter the once-elaborate bank.
Then they play interviews with several people on the street. One woman shakes her head, looking quite upset. “All I want is the safety of my children, and if they’re going to allow these . . . animals to run the streets, then I just might be leaving!”
Kevin lowers his eyes from the monitors. He masks his face in an unconcerned expression. The mutant situation didn’t matter to him. People leaving Nita did. If they leave, the company his father commands will lose billions of dollars. Which means more tension in the Starskye apartment. Not like there wasn’t enough now.
He jolts to attention by the hissing air brakes as the train pulls in the station. Pulling his shoulder bag up again, he makes his way through the people and onto the train. He holds his pass up to the scanner by the door and steps in. The train is busy today. Actually he can’t think of a time when it wasn’t. There’s an empty seat near the back without anyone sitting beside him. Once he drops into the high-backed seating, he pulls his handheld computer from his pocket to check his messages. There’s over twenty; he ignores them and puts the device back to sleep mode.
There’s a dull hum as the train’s quadruple engines warm up. An alarm sounds to warn people to stay away from the track. They take off, and in seconds they’re out of the station and quickly picking up speed. Kevin gazes out the window at the city flashing by. Huge skyscrapers carve the horizon into a jagged line. The late morning sun glints off millions of windows. He stares as a particularly enormous scraper appears. It’s so wide things almost feel in slow motion. Then it’s gone and things resume blurring by. He sits back in his seat and looks up. Protecting the entire city is a dome that is made out of a combination of electricity and ultra-fibred glass. Nita’s yellow sky is visible through it. The dome is the most important thing to keep humans alive. It enhances oxygen to breathable levels, it protects from the frequent meteor showers, controls temperature, and keeps gravity to a liveable level. The dome has never failed, and probably never would. There were more backup generators than the times his dad had broken a promise. <-- Ha, I liked that analogy
Another thing about Nita is its twenty-four-hour days. The massive size of the planet not only caused too much gravity, it also cause longer periods of light or dark. Basically, every other day was dark out. A night day, as it’s called.
He sits, gazing out the window for a while. Nothing but the sound of the occasional muttering between people and the quiet whirring of the train. Without warning, Kevin’s vision whirls. He blinks it away. Seconds later it happens again, this time worse. He gasps in confusion, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he brings a shaking hand up to eye level. It refuses to come into focus, his whole body is trembling now.
He stands up, in a daze and hardly knowing what he’s doing. “Help,” He says, barely audible. The floor curves up to meet him. Then sleep.
Panicked voices. Gentle nudging of the shoulder. Why is dad waking him up already? He wants to sleep more. “Go ‘way,” he mumbles. The nudging persists. With much effort, his eyelids flutter open. A young man leans over him, light brown eyes looking over his face in concern. “Are you okay? Do you feel any pain?”
Kevin blinks, still trying to figure out where he is. Red carpet, chrome paneling- the train!
“Are you hurt?” The young man asks again. He has very light accent that is undistinguishable.
“No. I’m fine.” Kevin goes to sit up on one elbow and immediately sucks his breath in between his teeth. It hurts. A lot. Every muscle, every limb, every inch of skin hurts.
“Can I help you up?”
“Okay.”
He’s hauled to his feet. The dizziness has gone, and it only takes a few staggering back-steps to regain his balance. The man lets go of his wrists.
“Will you be alright?” It seems he can only ask questions.
“Yes. I think so.” Kevin smiles and tries not to flinch from it. As long as they think he’ll be okay, they’ll leave him alone.
“Alright people, back to your seats.” The stewardess says. The onlookers obey. Kevin does the same. Soon the whole car is back to normal, as if nothing happened. The stewardess comes up to him.
“Are you sure you don’t need anything? Perhaps you should be checked at the hospital.”
Kevin stares at her. “No thanks, ma’am. I’m sure I’ll be just fine.”
She nods and leaves, a strong scent of too much perfume left behind.
Already the pain is wearing off. It’s really weird, Kevin has to admit, nothing like this has ever happened to him.
He wants to tell Matilda. She’s been his friend since he was ten, and ever since they’ve been inseparable. Give or take a few arguments.
After a few more minutes, the sonic train began to slow for it’s destination. Kevin set his shoulder bag in his lap and jumped up when they stopped moving. He got off the train with the swarm of passengers and made his way outside, down the crowded street, and toward the school.


Okay dokey, now onto to the overall review. I'm Lise by the way. :] Great idea for a story! I don't know, I never read your prologue, so I don't know how hard to follow that is, but this wasn't that hard to follow. I mean, this boy, Kevin is on his way to school, and he all of the sudden falls to the ground for some reason. But, mainly one thing that bugged me about this is the overload of details that you can slowly bring into the story later on. Like, the day-night thing. [Ugh, I can't find it again, but I think that's what it's called] But again, good idea, and keep writing! PM me with any questions/comments/when you post more :]

--Lise
"Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out you're safe,
From the weight of the world,
Just take a second to set things straight,
I'll be fine, even though I'm not always right,
I can count on the sun to shine,
Dedication takes a lifetime, but dreams only last for a night."
-All Time Low
  





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73 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 262
Reviews: 73
Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:37 am
psudiname says...



great story, you should definatly continue writing, as i would be glad to read more of this as you write it. anyway, i know what the other people said, but i kind of like your style of moving along fast, as i find storys get stagnent when not enough info is added. liked your use of the "more generators than times my father has broken a promise" analogy, so try to use more of those if you continue writing. also dont be afraid to use flowery adjectives, because, while that shouldn't be the main attraction of your story, it definatly adds flavor.
--- your bro,
Psudiname (see what I did there...)
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





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20 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1051
Reviews: 20
Sat Oct 09, 2010 12:39 am
twiggers says...



I think its a good start. I want to read more. This is a great story, it's deffinatly got potential. Please, checkout my post, it's called, 'Reilly Soar'. Check it out, I need some feed-back on it! The start of this story is great, and I love the name Kevin... it's a normal name, but you don't hear it often, like the name Megan or Emma or Grae or Quinn... I absolutly want to read ch. 2, so be sure to check the feedback on that one, too! Great start, Power to the Pen! (or pencil...)
Pa-pa-paastaa! Roma-tomay-tahh! Garlic, oo la la! I'm so delicious!
*Courtesy to Annoying Orange*
  





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321 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12611
Reviews: 321
Sat Oct 09, 2010 5:23 pm
Flower~Child says...



“Forget safety, let’s just take the sonic-train to school!” Kevin mutters. I don't really get what you mean by "forget safety" here. What is so unsafe about a sonic-train? He pulls his shoulder strap up higher and shifts his weight impatiently. The huge dome ceiling, complete with skylights, looms over the station platform. People walk in front of him, in a hurry to start their day. High heels, boots, polished shoes, but not very many sneakers. Which means that there aren’t a lot of kids at the station, which means they’re not taking the trains to school, which means they have other means of getting there.
Unlike me. Kevin thinks bitterly.
Most thirteen-year-olds would have some other method of getting to school. Kevin’s only option, however, is the sonic-train.
Huge flat screens hang from the ceiling, blaring the mid-morning news over the multitude of pedestrians. Something on the big words at the side of the screen catches Kevin’s attention. A woman reporter is standing in front of a totalled building that appears to have been a bank. From what can be heard over the echoing station area, the words ‘robbery’ and ‘altered-ability’ stand out. Kevin furrows his eyebrows at the mention of the politically-correct term for people with mutations. The camera moves on to show the shattered doorway and then the inside. The destruction is incapable of being caused by any ordinary human with a weapon. Shredded offices chairs, charred desks, even one of the support pillars litter the once-elaborate bank.
Then they play interviews with several people on the street. One woman shakes her head, looking quite upset. “All I want is the safety of my children, and if they’re going to allow these . . . animals to run the streets, then I just might be leaving!”
Kevin lowers his eyes from the monitors. He masks his face in an unconcerned expression. The mutant situation didn’t matter to him. People leaving Nita did. If they leave, the company his father commands will lose billions of dollars. Which means more tension in the Starskye apartment. Not like there wasn’t enough now.
He jolts to attention by the hissing air brakes as the train pulls in the station. Pulling his shoulder bag up again, he makes his way through the people and onto the train. He holds his pass up to the scanner by the door and steps in. The train is busy today. Actually he can’t think of a time when it wasn’t. There’s an empty seat near the back without anyone sitting beside him. Once he drops into the high-backed seating, he pulls his handheld computer from his pocket to check his messages. There’s over twenty; he ignores them and puts the device back to sleep mode.
There’s a dull hum as the train’s quadruple engines warm up. An alarm sounds to warn people to stay away from the track. They take off, in seconds they’re out of the station and quickly picking up speed. Kevin gazes out the window at the city flashing by. Huge skyscrapers carve the horizon into a jagged line. The late morning sun glints off millions of windows. He stares as a particularly enormous scraper appears. It’s so wide things almost feel in slow motion. Then it’s gone and things resume blurring by. He sits back in his seat and looks up. Protecting the entire city is a dome that is made out of a combination of electricity and ultra-fibred glass. Nita’s yellow sky is visible through it. The dome is the most important thing to keep humans alive. It enhances oxygen to breathable levels, it protects from the frequent meteor showers, controls temperature, and keeps gravity to a liveable level. The dome has never failed, and probably never would. There were more backup generators than the times his dad had broken a promise. I like how you compared these things. It really gives some idea of how the character really is.
Another thing about Nita is its twenty-four-hour days. The massive size of the planet not only caused too much gravity, it also cause longer periods of light or darkness. Basically, every other day was dark out. A night day, as it’s called.
He sits, gazing out the window for a while. Nothing but the sound of the occasional muttering between people and the quiet whirring of the train. Without warning, Kevin’s vision whirls. He blinks it away. Seconds later it happens again, this time worse. He gasps in confusion, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he brings a shaking hand up to eye level. It refuses to come into focus, his whole body is trembling now.
He stands up, in a daze and hardly knowing what he’s doing. “Help,” He says, barely audible. The floor curves up to meet him. Then sleep.
Panicked voices. Gentle nudging of the shoulder. Why is dad waking him up already? He wants to sleep more. “Go ‘way,” he mumbles. The nudging persists. With much effort, his eyelids flutter open. A young man leans over him, light brown eyes looking over his face in concern. “Are you okay? Do you feel any pain?”
Kevin blinks, still trying to figure out where he is. Red carpet, chrome paneling- the train!
“Are you hurt?” The young man asks again. He has very light accent that is undistinguishable.
“No. I’m fine.” Kevin goes to sit up on one elbow and immediately sucks his breath in between his teeth. It hurts. A lot. Every muscle, every limb, every inch of skin hurts.
“Can I help you up?”
“Okay.”
He’s hauled to his feet. The dizziness has gone, and it only takes a few staggering back-steps to regain his balance. The man lets go of his wrists.
“Will you be alright?” It seems he can only ask questions.
“Yes. I think so.” Kevin smiles and tries not to flinch from it. As long as they think he’ll be okay, they’ll leave him alone.
“Alright people, back to your seats.” The stewardess says. The onlookers obey. Kevin does the same. Soon the whole car is back to normal, as if nothing happened. The stewardess comes up to him.
“Are you sure you don’t need anything? Perhaps you should be checked at the hospital.”
Kevin stares at her. “No thanks, ma’am. I’m sure I’ll be just fine.”
She nods and leaves, a strong scent of too much perfume left behind.
Already the pain is wearing off. It’s really weird, Kevin has to admit, nothing like this has ever happened to him.
He wants to tell Matilda. She’s been his friend since he was ten, and ever since they’ve been inseparable. Give or take a few arguments.
After a few more minutes, the sonic train began to slow for it’s destination. Kevin set his shoulder bag in his lap and jumped up when they stopped moving. He got off the train with the swarm of passengers and made his way outside, down the crowded street, and toward the school.[/quote]


I didn't really comment much on the story in general, because I liked it so much. It's very good, but it doesn't give much background. I think that you need to let us relate to your main character more. Right now we don't have much relation to him. Other than that it's great. Some things seem somewhat repetitive, but otherwise very nice.
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.

  





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11 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1081
Reviews: 11
Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:24 am
megefford says...



I really like the story- after I review this I am going to look for chapter 2. Okay just a few things jumped out at me:
"There’s an empty seat near the back without anyone sitting beside him." The 'him' suggests that the seat is a male.
"He gasps in confusion, eyebrows furrowed in confusion" repetition can be good, but when it is like this is looks like you couldn't find another word. Try bewilderment or puzzlement or something. A thesaurus is really helpful- I love mine.
  








I like anchovies~ but nobody calls me that.
— alliyah