Young Writers Society

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Hi Napalmerski! I'm SporkPunk, and I'll review this today. (By the way, I know what you mean by breaking off in the middle of things---it's terrible. xD)

Grammar and things:

Overall, your grammar wasn't bad. However, I did find a few things, which is bound to happen with an unedited piece. I'm going to point them out anyway, because it is possible for you to miss them. xD

Gurkoff Meats Inc.

You want a comma right after the "Meats" and before the "Inc."

respectively of the cheapish and the rather quite expensivish varieties,

I rather like this phrase.

who though

Thought. Just a small typo.

with stolid, respectable cars,

Do you mean stolid? Because that means "impassive" or "emotionless." Or do you mean, "solid?" Because both actually work in that context, though I lean more toward solid as being better because your narrator just spoke of the land ship of the sedan.

unknown provincial figure;

You use "provincial" four times in three paragraphs. I can't tell whether it's for emphasis or because you seem to have misplaced a thesaurus. The repetition wouldn't serve any purpose in this context. It looks much less like emphasis since it's so spread out, and more like, as I said, a lack of a thesaurus.

There are other things, but I'm not going to rip apart something that's unedited.

Plot and other content things:
Your first sentence fails to capture the reader's attention. The following paragraph does little to redeem the opening line. Readers are finicky creatures, and you have to do something unconventional to get them to read. Most writers plunge right into the action, which is fail-safe. Or they go for an unconventional angle. For example, your opening lines could be:

Edward Ballard: a man of diplomacy, a man of business. A man of sitting in the backseat of a sedan trying to convince himself that at any moment, he would start preparing for the meeting.

This is just a suggestion though. It's totally your call.

Content-wise, the rest of the chapter wasn't bad, but it didn't really stand out, either. That could be because of you taking a break from writing, but it really doesn't stand out.

Later on, your final line. Not good. In writing, you want to show people your story. Not tell them what to think, or what to expect, or what to feel. Your final line gives away any sort of suspense or foreshadowing you could have been building up. It tells them what's going to happen. And that, sadly, can ruin a story. If you want to keep it, keep it, but I very, very highly suggest getting rid of it and instead SHOW the reader what could be coming. You started that with the animals, but I think went in the wrong direction. If there is going to be some sort of apocalyptic event, you could SHOW the characters noticing the lack of animals, like, no cicadas buzzing or no squirrels scampering around. Animals pick up on natural disasters faster than humans do, so showing something like that as foreshadowing is certainly an option.

Overall:
Interesting premise, the primitive tribe thing. Of course, your grammar could use some work, but that's to be expected with an unedited piece. However, your first and last lines almost destroy your story. The first line fails to capture attention, and the last line ruins any suspense or interest in the coming chapters. This piece could be wonderful, original, everything. But, in its current state, it isn't. It has potential though.

If you have questions, or would like an elaboration on any of my points, feel free to PM me!

---SporkPunk

Too right Sponk, as it is, it ain't elegant enough to be read for the joy of reading, and there aren't any hooks to hold the wandering attention of the reader. When editing I'll have to sprinkle some gold coins here and there to make the unweary reader follow the trail into the narrative woods. I do disagree about the 'givaway' at the end of the chapter. That's exactly how Clive Cussler and Sidney Sheldon do it (well, exactly is a strong word, but kinda exactly), and they are world renown masters of the thriller. One gets away with it if one delivers the implied promise, so I guess I better try to deliver.. Ho-hum... Anyhow, I'll take you up on the kind offer and notifiski you when the whole thing is finishski.

AH! You responded! Thank you very much!

I love when people whose pieces I review let me know what they think. And disagreeing is completely fine---unfortunately, I haven't read much Cussler, and only a little Sheldon so I've only run into the "Little did [he/she/it/they/we] know..." thing once or twice. In all honesty, looking at the ending line again, I think you could pull it off. You'd definitely have to come through, like you said. And yes, please do notify me.

---Spork

pretty good story, especially charecter development. that will certainly come in handy if the main charecter's life is ever threatened, because if you develop his charecter enough, the readers might actually fear for his saftey as if he his real. i'm interested to see how you deliver your promise of action in the final sentence, because i soon thirsted for more upon reading it.
please PM me when your next chapter is out, and please check out a couple chapters of my story.
---your freind
Psudiname

NApal! Tsk...you didn't tell me you posted this chap by chap. *gasp*

On contre, dear Jashie, this is the preliminary version, just to exhibit something while I was working on the rest. And the aforementioned rest is in Advanced Critiques only... yup... indeedee... 'fraid so... such as it is... B-)