Young Writers Society

Sami crouched down, trying to slow her breath. It sounded loud and laborious in the silence. Her heart was pounding, and sweat dotted her forehead. The hair that wasn’t pulled back into a high pony clung to her cheeks and lips. She peeked around the large pillar she was behind to check what was in her path. She made a mental list. The carver was about thirty strides away and the spikes were only ten. An Indiana Jones was ten strides past the carver, she could tell by the faint outline of a square on the floor, and there was a carrier hanging on the wall by the Indiana Jones.
She was about to step out from behind her pillar when she remembered Kallie. She glanced up and thanked god for Kallie.

Balloons.

They looked harmless, but Sami knew better. She wasn’t sure what they were, but she knew they could be deadly. Thinking of Kallie’s gruesome death made her heart sink. She had been so sweet, so innocent.

But that was yesterday, and if Sami had learned anything in the two days she had been in this twisted game, it was that you couldn’t lose your focus. Losing your focus meant dying. Sami wasn’t going to die though; she was bent on making it back home, to her warm house that smelled like cinnamon, back into her mom and dad’s welcoming, reassuring embrace and her dog’s wet slimy tongue.

Sami stood up, ready to run. She took a deep breath, and heard a crunch behind her. It wasn’t one of her allies; they had a call to avoid situations like this. Slowly she grabbed her dagger from her belt. She gripped the handle tightly and closed her eyes.

Please don’t be right behind me. Please don’t be right behind me, she prayed.

She didn’t feel like stabbing anyone. She whipped around, swinging the knife, hoping that she wouldn’t have to feel the sickening pierce of skin and the scream of another fellow human being. There would be the blood, so much blood. Sami still remembered how much there had been when Drew stepped on the Indiana Jones. She felt her eyes tearing up, so she turned her attention to the person standing in front of her.

It was Zeet.

He was creeping up with his own dagger held up above his head. Zeet was big and strong, but slow, the exact opposite of Sami. He had, however, helped her. He had saved her life back in the first level. She didn’t want to kill him; he really was a big gentle giant. He was threatening to kill her, but she knew it was just his alliance. He really didn’t want to kill anyone, just like Sami. She looked him in the eyes. She saw fear, sorrow, and a bit of crazy. He squeezed them shut, preparing for her knife.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw an approaching shadow. No crunch, no call, just a shadow. Her adrenaline spiked and her heart thumped in her chest. She tightened her grip on her dagger, took a step towards Zeet, and lunged.

Well, wowee *whistles admiringly*

Reg, you just definitely keep writing this. It helps that you gave a bit of background, but of course you wouldn't have to do that for a novel.

For now, I have to wonder what it's doing in fantasy, when it simply looks like a work of fiction but this has potential.

I love your writing style; it was easy to read and cut to the chase. I could feel her emotions and thoughts easily and even though you didn't say who Kallie was and what the ballons meant, it was effortless to read into your meaning. Very nicely done.

Please, please continue this and send me a pm when you do?

Tanya

Thank you! This was just kind of a random idea that popped into my head, so I wrote out a prologue... I'm not entirely sure where this is going yet, but we'll see wont we!? As for why it's in fantasy novels, I can't figure out how to send it to action novels without using up my points... Any ideas? Hahaha well thank youu!!

ah. Well. I have absolutely no idea. Try asking one of the junior mods running around (people in green names). I'm sure they'll be able to

So, this to me is a very interesting idea. I won't bother going through nitpicks, though I will help you try and improve what you already have. (Sorry, only those who request a review get my sticky little nitpicks, but no worries, I couldn't really find anything of worse in here).

Alright, so it's action packed and thrilling - I LOVE IT! But it's rather short and a prologue atleast had to be one page and more, though I'll help you straighten it. You could add more things for example. I never actually feel Sami's emotion. What I'm getting from her is haste to leave and that is definitely need but you also need something else, like fear, sadness and hate. Maybe you were intending to place them into the prologue but actually into the first chapter, but I am telling you, fear right no is needed!

She made a mental list, the carver was about thirty strides away, but the spikes were only ten, an Indiana Jones was ten strides past the carver; she could tell by the faint outline of a square on the floor, and there was a carrier hanging on the wall on the Indiana Jones.

This sentence doesn't entirely make sense to me and I cannot help it but mention that you've used the semi-colon wrong. It doesn't truly matter, but a semi-colon is only used when you want to join to seperate sentences together. But anyway onto what I do not get. Firstly, you could've gone into a lot more detial here. I dont' actually know where she is so you could've said something about the appearance of things around her. It's a timeless filler and it really works. But what really struck me about this sentence was the repition. It just dulls down the whole setence.

This is how I would fix that particular sentence (my example). Sorry, I just found that there were quite a lot of problem with this. But that's okay because it was just this one sentence that really stumped me. The rest is pure ACE! Ooo almost forgot, I've said this to another person before but layering will be your best bet.

Layering: This is where you go through your work and add as much detial as you can or place in stuff that you find best.

She made a mental list. The carver was about thirty strides away, but and the spikes were only ten,.

This is just an example of what you can do. You don't have to use to this and can go through layering on your own account, but that is all to you.

An Indiana Jones was ten strides past the carver; she could tell by the faint outline of a square on the floor; and there was a carrier hanging on the wall on the Indiana Jones.

The last sentence I would just go rid of. I don't particularly know what and Indiana Jones is but whenever I read it, I keep getting well the man Indiana Jones. Either change it to another machine or get me a dictionary, but I do not see its relevance as for now. But that may only be me and I'm an idiot.

Overall, this is a very good start and a very interesting idea. I wouldn't be surprised if I saw it in the books shops. Keep working at this, layering wise I mean. You will benefit from it and even the number of pages will grow.

Apple

The names are made up by Sami, and the Indiana Jones is a machine that shoots out arrows from the wall when you step on a pressure point, which is a booby trap in Indiana Jones I believe. As for the other things, I'll get on it! Thanks for your review, Regan.

Here as requested!

Upon reading the spoiler, the first thing that I thought was: The Hunger Games. The whole, "Random people thrown together in a game who have to kill each other or die themselves". With such popular books, people are going to notice the similarities, so you're going to have to work like crazy to eliminate as many of them as you can. I loved the Hunger Games, but no one wants to see a re-hash, so I hope you can keep this original! I'm sure you can.

As far as prologues in general go, I've always been a bit iffy about them. This seems like an awkward scene to make your prologue, since it's right in the middle of a lot of things. It uses terminology and references we're not familiar with-- Indiana Jones (not used this way, at least), Kallie, the carver, spikes, the significance of the balloons, etc. It's one thing to have a unique prologue that raises questions, but this kind of shoves readers in the middle of something we have no experience with and expects us to pick it all right up.

I suggest you cut some of the code words/references and try to focus more on introducing Sami as a character with emotions-- how she's feeling, her impression of the situation, the significance of being aware in this kind of situation. What's it like to lose Kellie during these circumstances? If you focus more on a person, it'll be more relatable and easier to follow as a prologue.

Or you could always cut the prologue! They're so often unnecessary. Off to Chapter One!

~Evi