Young Writers Society

This is an excerpt from a story my sister and I were collaborating on awhile ago. The idea has been partially dropped, but I'm so in love with the characters that I'm having a hard time letting it go. Here is an excerpt from around the middle-end of the second book, where Vincent has hidden the main heroine--Eva--from his wicked and savage father. Both men are powerful mages known as Teravu [taer-ah-voo] (made up by my sister and I), and despite their young appearances are actually quite old.The story itself revolves around their ability to stay young and become "immortal" through sharing souls with young humans. These vessels are known as Shiveah [sih-vae-hah]. This connection is possible through learning the human child's True Name, given to their souls before birth. Vincent's father--Xavier--uses other Teravu's Shivehas in experiments with his magic, usually by ripping apart the soul connection between Teravu and Shiveha. This is where the expert begins.


“You know I enjoy games and all Síla, but my patience is wearing thin,” Xavier removed his hand from over the globe, causing it to rotate lazily. His dark, brooding eyes fell on Vincent. “Where is she?”

Vincent kept Xavier’s gaze steadily, his lip threatening to curl up in a sneer. He’d called him by his forbidden name.
To rile me up. He told himself. I mustn’t let him get to me. Lose my temper, and all this will be for nothing. Instead Vincent smirked, masking his anger perfectly.

“If you mean Eva, she is not here. I disposed of her long ago,” he bluffed, lifting his arms in a delicate shrug. Xavier’s gaze wandered over Vincent, calculating and cold, and did the last thing Vincent ever expected him to do.
He laughed.

“Liar,” he chuckled, running a hand through his raven black hair. “You forget I’m the one who taught you how to cloak your true thoughts. Didn’t you think I could see through them as well?” He took an easy step forward, and Vincent fought not to take a similar step back. “Why won’t you just tell me where she is? Are you afraid I’ll break your new toy?”

“Shut up,” Vincent growled. He could feel the heat begin to roll down his back as the magic responded to his anger. Calm down, calm down…

“Or is she more to you than that?” Xavier stopped advancing, a perplexed look crossing his cocky expression. “You haven’t fallen in love with her, have you? Good God, son! Perhaps you’re more like Adamon after all-“

“Shut up!” Vincent snarled, lunging for Xavier with full force. He didn’t bother holding back the magic squirming under his skin. He wanted Xavier to feel his power, to know what he had gained over these torturous years.

One second Xavier was in front of him, and the next he wasn’t. Before Vincent had time to stop himself he punched through the bookcase, setting paper aflame and reducing hard wood to splinters. He turned ready to strike again, when Xavier rammed a hand through his stomach. Vincent coughed, vomiting blood as his body began to reform around Xavier’s fist. Xavier extracted his hand with a jerking force, reopening the wounds already beginning to heal and sending Vincent into another round of screaming agony. Vincent fell to his knees, clutching the red hole in his torso as he fought to breathe past the pain. He could already feel the hole closing as his body healed itself, but the amount of magic it was taking to fix him was draining. Between that and his sudden loss of blood, the room was violently spinning.

Xavier stood over his fellow Teravu, a small smile twisting the corners of his mouth. He placed a hand above Vincent’s right temple, and all Vincent could do was lean into it. He cursed.

“Now, show me where you’re keeping our little songbird,” he murmured. His hand generated an intense light as he released his magic. Vincent cried out, the light penetrating his brain until he was sure his skull was melting. He tried to pull away but found he had no more physical strength to do so.

Eva? He called in his mind, hoping to God she heard him.

Even when his world went black, the pain didn’t cease.

What do you think? Is this intriguing enough to keep the idea around? Your thoughts are deeply appreciated.

-P

Hey Dino! It's Spork, and I'll review this today.(: Red is spelling, green is word choice, and purple is my commentary.

“You know I enjoy games and all, Síla, but my patience is wearing thin,” Xavier removed his hand from over the globe, causing it to rotate lazily. His dark, brooding eyes Technically, there's nothing wrong with this phrase. But every YA book I've read since the whole Twilight fiasco uses this phrase, and so it's quickly becoming a cliche. I just thought I'd point that out. :p But it's your call if you wish to keep it.fell on Vincent. “Where is she?”

Vincent kept Xavier’s gaze steadily, his lip threatening to curl up in a sneer. He’d called him by his forbidden name.
To rile me up. He told himself. I mustn’t let him get to me. Lose my temper, and all this will be for nothing. Instead Vincent smirked, masking his anger perfectly.

“If you mean Eva, she is not here. I disposed of her long ago,” he bluffed, lifting his arms in a delicate shrug. Xavier’s gaze wandered over Vincent, calculating and cold, and did the last thing Vincent ever expected him to do.
He laughed.

“Liar,” he chuckled, running a hand through his raven black This is very, very, very cliche. I suggest finding a different way to illustrate his dark hair. Obsidian, tar, inky...whatever. hair. “You forget I’m the one who taught you how to cloak your true thoughts. Didn’t you think I could see through them as well?” He took an easy step forward, and Vincent fought not to take a similar step back. “Why won’t you just tell me where she is? Are you afraid I’ll break your new toy?” Plot Hole. If he can see his thoughts, then he could know where Eva was anytime he felt like tuning into Vincent's thoughts, because Vincent would have been thinking of it, not knowing Xavier could get past the "cloak."

“Shut up,” Vincent growled. He could feel the heat begin to roll down his back as the magic responded to his anger. Calm down, calm down…

“Or is she more to you than that?” Xavier stopped advancing, a perplexed look crossing his cocky expression. “You haven’t fallen in love with her, have you? Good God, son! Perhaps you’re more like Adamon after all-“ Again, isn't it possible he'd already know such a thing?

“Shut up!” Vincent snarled, lunging for Xavier with full force. He didn’t bother holding back the magic squirming under his skin. He wanted Xavier to feel his power, to know what he had gained over these torturous years.

One second Xavier was in front of him, and the next he wasn’t. Before Vincent had time to stop himself he punched through the bookcase, setting paper aflame and reducing hard wood to splinters. He turned ready to strike again, when Xavier rammed a hand through his stomach. Vincent coughed, vomiting blood as his body began to reform around Xavier’s fist. Xavier extracted his hand with a jerking force, reopening the wounds already beginning to heal and sending Vincent into another round of screaming agony. Vincent fell to his knees, clutching the red hole in his torso as he fought to breathe past the pain. He could already feel the hole closing as his body healed itself, but the amount of magic it was taking to fix him was draining. Between that and his sudden loss of blood, the room was violently spinning.

Xavier stood over his fellow Teravu, a small smile twisting the corners of his mouth. He placed a hand above Vincent’s right temple, and all Vincent could do was lean into it. He cursed.

“Now, show me where you’re keeping our little songbird,” he murmured. His hand generated an intense light as he released his magic. Vincent cried out, the light penetrating his brain until he was sure his skull was melting. He tried to pull away but found he had no more physical strength to do so.

Eva? He called in his mind, hoping to God she heard him.

Even when his world went black, the pain didn’t cease.

As for my thoughts, I think the universe of the story itself seems very intriguing. I'd love to read more about this. That said, I noticed a potential gaping hole in your plot, something you might want to look at. I could be wrong of course, but still. Other than that the grammar was great and spelling lovely. You have the technical aspect down to a science, now for the fun part---the actual content.

Keep Writing!

I can always count on you, Spork. :'D

As for the plot hole... it really isn't a plot hole. it's more like a poor choice of words on my part. :/ Xavier can't actually read Vincent's thoughts, more like his emotions. Again, poor choice of words for me to use. I'll go back and fix them when I have the time.

Thank you for pointing out that confusion for me! As for the cliches... yeah, I was bothered with them, too. But then again, this passage is quite old (about seven or eight months old. le sigh.) but as satated, I'll fix this up later when there is more time on my hands (:
Thanks so much for your review!

-dino